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In an intimate relationship, we deserve to feel appreciated and supported, just as our partner deserves the same from us. Sexual coercion within relationships tends to be part of a pattern of controlling behaviors. To protect yourself and your partner, whatever your respective sexes and genders, learn what a healthy relationship looks like—and which behaviors will never work. Take the quiz and click on your answers to see if your relationship passes the test.
1.
She wants to make out. You tell her you’re on an assignment deadline. What does she say?
“I get it. Thank you for taking care of yourself.”
This response is reasonable and respectful. Acknowledge your partner’s support, thanking her for allowing you the space and time you need to finish your work. Then figure out when the two of you can get intimate (if you both want it).
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“Whatever, it’s always about you.”
This is a bad sign. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty. Having an unsupportive partner might be a red flag. In an unhealthy relationship, “your partner might actively sabotage your goals,” says Casey Corcoran, program director of Futures Without Violence, an organization working to end domestic abuse.
2.
Why is he reading your texts from other people?
“I’m driving. I asked him to.”
That’s a double win for you. You weren’t texting while driving (high five?), and you communicated your needs to your partner. In healthy relationships, partners respect each other’s privacy and don’t look at each other’s phones or pry without permission.
.
“He doesn’t like me talking about our relationship with anyone else.”
Reading your texts without your permission could be a way of controlling whom you talk to. “If he starts to notice that your family and friends are concerned about your relationship, he may be looking to keep you away from them,” says Dr. Dana Cuomo, assistant professor of Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality studies at Lafayette College.
3.
“I don’t want you to wear a condom.” Why is she saying this?
She can be manipulative.
This could be a sign of the repeated sexual pressure that can occur in abusive relationships. “When your partner doesn’t respect your decisions around sex, she may try to manipulate or blame you,” says Corcoran. For example, “Why do we need to use a condom? Is it because you’re sleeping with someone else?” You shouldn’t need to justify safer sex.
You are trying to have a baby together.
Assuming you are both responsible and 100 percent on board with this decision, then this would be step one in trying to conceive. Just make sure you’ve both been tested for and discussed sexually transmitted infections before having unprotected sex. Remember, bringing a child into the world is a life-changing decision. Make sure you are both as ready as possible.
4.
He’s driving and you want him to slow down. Why?
We’re approaching a speed trap.
This seems reasonable except that he shouldn’t be speeding in the first place. If he follows your advice and slows down, it sounds like he’s treating you with respect. Remind him to stay within the speed limits for both of your safety..
.
I’m nervous, and he finds that funny.
If a partner is trying to make you nervous or uncomfortable, it may be a deliberate power tactic. There’s no excuse for driving recklessly. If he’s intending to scare and disempower you, this is abusive. “In unhealthy relationships, your partner does things that are meant to make you fearful,” says Corcoran.
5.
One minute she’s loving and sweet, the next she’s pulling away and yelling. What’s going on?
We’re watching the game. The other team just scored.
Gently point out that it’s not your fault and not a reason to withdraw affection. She may be the biggest Iowa State fan in history (go Cyclones!), but her team isn’t always going to win every point or every game. Such is life.
Another misunderstanding. I need to be more careful about how I say things.
Do you often feel like you’re walking on eggshells? This is a red flag. “You may feel as though you are on a roller coaster all the time,” says Corcoran. “One minute everything is fine, and the next she’s yelling.”
6.
She’s upset about your sexual history. What’s going on?
I just told her I have an STI.
In healthy relationships, partners appreciate each other’s openness about their sexual health. That said, she may be understandably concerned. Many relationships will make it through a situation like this. The key is to be informed, open, and honest, and make sure everyone is doing their best to protect each other’s health. Check the facts about your STI and learn how to discuss it.
She really loses it when she gets jealous. We’re working on that.
You may run into someone you’ve been intimate with before, and when your partner finds out, she gets very upset: “This happens when the abuser sees you as their property,” says Dr. Cuomo. “This can be a sign of a bigger issue, especially if your partner becomes physically or emotionally abusive when they lose it,” says Corcoran.
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7.
He suggests you move in together. What’s the context?
We had a fight and he wants to make up.
Over-the-top gestures can be part of a pattern of abuse and making up. This often happens during what’s called the “honeymoon” stage in abusive relationships. “This is the time when the abuser tries to regain control,” says Dr. Cuomo. “The cycle has three stages: The tension builds, it turns into a fight, and then they apologize and say they’ll never do it again.”
We’re in a committed relationship; it’s the natural next step.
If the two of you feel fulfilled in this relationship and agree that it’s the right time to move in together, congratulations. To maintain a healthy relationship while cohabitating, try to each have your own personal space (however small) in your new home together and carve out some time each week to do your own thing (sans your partner).
8.
He doesn’t want you to wear that outfit. What’s that about?
At first he liked this on me. Now he says it’s too revealing.
This behavior may be rooted in jealousy. He may be thinking that “you’ll draw the attention of another guy and that will be your fault,” says Dr. Cuomo. “It is very manipulative because it isn’t your fault; it’s because he doesn’t trust you not to act on another [person’s] advances.”
He’s worried I’ll get a sunburn—and he’s probably right.
Ask him to help you put sunscreen on—a water-resistant broad-spectrum sunscreen that protects against UVA and UVB rays, with a sun protection factor (SPF) of at least 30 (American Academy of Dermatology guidelines). Maybe throw on a hat too for good measure.
Chat, call, or text for help: Love is Respect
Learn about dating violence: Break the Cycle
Help a friend: Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness
Advocate against campus assault and harassment: Know Your IX
Article sources
Casey Corcoran, program director, Futures Without Violence, San Francisco and Boston.
Dana Cuomo, PhD, assistant professor of Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality studies, Lafayette College, Easton, Pennsylvania.
Joleen Nevers, M Ed, CHES, AASECT Certified Secondary Education, sexuality educator, health education coordinator, University of Connecticut.
Tara Schuster, MS, MCHES, coordinator of health promotion, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, New York.
American Academy of Dermatology. (2015). Sunscreen FAQs. Retrieved from https://www.aad.org/media-resources/stats-and-facts/prevention-and-care/sunscreen-faqs
Boyes, A. (2013, January 22). 50 characteristics of healthy relationships. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/50-characteristics-healthy-relationships
Love is Respect. (n.d.). Dating abuse statistics. Retrieved from http://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/dating-violence-statistics/
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (2014, September). Psychological abuse. Retrieved from http://www.ncadv.org/images/Psychological_Abuse.pdf
University of Michigan. (n.d.). Dating and domestic violence on college campuses. Retrieved from http://sapac.umich.edu/article/311