9 ways to deal with an overbearing friend
Reading Time: 8 minutes What to do if a friend becomes too much.
Reading Time: 8 minutes What to do if a friend becomes too much.
Reading Time: 5 minutes How to best keep the peace with the people you live with.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Sometimes you can tell in your gut if your relationship is going well. But other times, itâs not so easy to figure out.
Whether your life in your shared space is smooth and easy, filled with an occasional bit of trouble, or a near-daily battle of âthis is not really happening,â we could all benefit from some tips on how to make (and keep) the peace with the people we live with. If you fall into that last category, youâre not alone. About half of all first-year college students struggle with roommate issues frequently or occasionally, according to 2009 research from the Higher Education Research Institute at the University of California, Los Angeles. And thatâs significantâa stressful home situation can affect you in real ways.
How you feel: Your connection with your roommate helps shape your mental well-being and your ability to adjust at college, according to research published in 2014 in Journal of Student Affairs Research and Practice. College students who reported frequent roommate issues had higher stress levels than those who peacefully shared their spaces, according to a 2005 study in the Journal of American College Health. Thereâs also data showing that poor relationship dynamics can trigger an uptick in anxiety and depression, says Dr. Amy Canevello, an assistant professor at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte and a researcher on roommate relationships.
Some of the most common complaints among roommates are things weâve all had to deal with at some point. OK, theyâre also probably things we have all done at some point, including shirking basic responsibilities (like cleaning those crusty coffee mugs), snagging snacks, and showing a lack of respect for the space and the other person in it (like that time your girlfriend moved in for three weeks). Sound familiar?
So, rather than brushing things under the (unswept) rug, how can you set things up so you both feel comfortable bringing up whatâs bugging you?[/vc_column_text][vc_column_text][/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]
Yes, there is a right way. It includes making and sticking with a plan from day one. Hereâs how:[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”1. Get together to discuss the details” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]âResearch in many contexts tells us that people will be more likely to abide by rules that they themselves develop,â says Dr. Linda Stamato, co-director of the Center for Negotiation and Conflict Resolution at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey. So get together and develop them. Make sure everyone chimes in on what they want for the space and agrees on the details, including what happens when rules turn into loose suggestions. Because they will.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”2. Put it on paper…or Google drive” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Living on campus? Your school might require that you sign a roommate agreement. Living in an apartment off campus? Yeah, youâre not off the hook either. Donât shrug off the details here. Be clear about your expectations from the get-go. âYou may think itâs obvious to clean a dish after you use it, and someone else may not. They may think itâs normal to leave a pile of dirty clothes in the corner, and someone else may find that disgusting. We are all human, so we probably will fall short on a few things once in a while, but itâs good to know that there is a standard set by each of you [that] can keep you accountable,â says Daniella C., a third-year graduate student at Emory University in Georgia and a former resident advisor.
[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”3. Commit to communicate” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Real talk: If you can figure out how to break down the awkward and talk about the stuff that bugs you early on, youâre setting yourself up for a roommate situation that works. Struggle with speaking up? Try jotting it down. âIt could be helpful to make a list of your concerns that can be shared with a roommate,â says Dr. Michelle Jefferson, campus dean of students at Douglass Residential College at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey. Just be sure to have a plan for dealing with the concerns in person once theyâve been brought up.You nailed down the details, made the agreement, spoke up when things were on your mindâand thereâs still a problem. Weâve all been there. So now what?
First, bring it up as quickly as possible. If you donât talk about it, your frustration will fester, and thatâs a loss for everyone. Here are some ways to approach it:[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Keep blame out of it” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Launching into a gripe session about everything your roommate has ever done wrong means theyâll probably tune you out ASAP. Youâll do better by framing a problem as something to solve togetherâstart off by introducing the issue using âIâ statements. When you start talking solutions, use âweâ rather than âyou.â Feeling that everyone is responsible for improving the relationship can help all of you be more responsive, Dr. Canevello says.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Listen better” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]It seems so much easier than it actually is. Active listening means concentrating on and processing what someone is saying without simultaneously prepping your comeback. Take time to understand their words rather than blurting out the response that you spent the last five minutes crafting, Dr. Canevello says. And remember that most of us have good intentions. Just because your roommate is falling short on dish duty doesnât mean theyâre trying to intentionally set you off. Weâre all doing the best we can, and it helps to keep that in mind when you hear them out.
[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Aim to understand” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]We overestimate our own contributions to keeping our living space clean (and peaceful) and simultaneously underestimate what our roommates do, according to behavioral economist Dr. Dan Ariely. And that can lead to some not-so-good feelings about the people youâre living with. Dr. Ariely explains that because weâre intimately familiar with the details of our own tasks (think about the smell of the moldy cheese you pulled out of the refrigerator drawer), we minimize the things that others do. And then we resent them for it. âThe particulars of our own chores are clear to us, but we tend to view our partnersâ labors only in terms of the outcomes. We discount their contributions because we understand them only superficially,â Dr. Ariely told the Wall Street Journal.How can you fix it? Either change up your chores every now and then so you get acquainted with the details of their tasks or simply ask your roommates to share the gruesome details of their choresâstep-by-step. Once you hear all about it, you may view them in a whole new light.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Come at it with compassion” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]OK, weâre not all going to love our roommates; itâs just life. But you can make a conscious choice to care about their well-beingâand that can make a big difference in how you interact. âIt changes how you construe problems and how you approach them,â Dr. Canevello says.
Roommates who had âcompassionate goals,â or goals related to othersâ well-being and happiness, were less stressedâand they gave and received greater supportâthan those whose goals focused on themselves, according to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2010).
Sometimes you just canât solve this stuff on your own, and thatâs where your RAs, counselors, staff, faculty, and others on your team come in. Reach out to them; theyâre there for you, and they know how to help. Hereâs what that might look like:[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”A third-party mediation situation” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]This could be an RA, a fellow student, a staff member, your dog. (Probably not that last one, though.) An unbiased third party can listen to problems and help construct resolutions. âUsing mediators allows students to surface issues that they may be uncomfortable talking about directly with the person(s) with whom they are in conflict,â Stamato says.
âRoommate issues were one of the most common issues I dealt with while I was an RA,â says Samantha E., a fourth-year student at the University of North Dakota. âAlmost all of my residents who ever came to me about these types of issues were able to resolve them and form a better relationship by talking it out.â
[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Revisit your roommate contract” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Remember that? Surpriseâitâs actually helpful. If yours included things such as watch Game of Thrones every night while devouring pizza, you might want to make some changes to address the stuff that keeps coming up. Talk to your RA, other staff members, or another third-party mediator about how to make it work this time around, and agree to reference it if issues come up in the future.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Know when itâs time to bow out” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Sometimes, a living situation just canât be resolved, and you need to find new accommodations. Live on campus? Talk to your RA or resident life office about how to amicably make the switch so that everyone can live happily ever afterâjust not together. Live elsewhere? Read through the terms of your lease and the consequences of breaking it. You may be able to sublet your room or pay a nominal fee, both of which can be a worthy exchange for peace of mind.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] [school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,counselingservices, studentsucess, studentsucess, helpdesk’] Get help or find out moreRoommate basics: Saint Louis University
How to be a good roommate: University of Missouri
4 ways to solve roommate conflict: The Ohio State University
How much do you know about being a good roommate?: My Room Solution
Amy Canevello, PhD, assistant professor, department of psychological sciences, University of North Carolina at Charlotte.
Michelle Jefferson, PhD, campus dean of students, Douglass Residential College, Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey.
Linda Stamato, PhD, co-director, the Center for Negotiation and Conflict Resolution, Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey.
American College Health Association. (2016). American College Health AssociationâNational College Health Assessment II: Reference Group Executive Summary, Spring 2016. Hanover, MD: American College Health Association.
Ariely, D. (2017, April 12). When chores go unappreciated. Wall Street Journal. Retrieved from https://www.wsj.com/articles/when-chores-go-unappreciated-1492017015
Crocker, J., Canevello, A., & Breines, J. G. (2010). Interpersonal goals and change in anxiety and dysphoria in first-semester college students. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(6), 1009â1024. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/44642305_Interpersonal_Goals_and_Change_in_Anxiety_and_Dysphoria_in_First-Semester_College_Students
Dusselier, L., Dunn, B., Wang, Y., Shelley, M. C., et al. (2005). Personal, health, academic, and environmental predictors of stress for residence hall students. Journal of American College Health, 54(1), 15â24.
Erb, S. E., Renshaw, K. D., Short, J. L., & Pollard, J. W. (2014). The importance of college roommate relationships: A review and systematic conceptualization. Journal of Student Affairs Research and Practice, 51(1), 43â55. Retrieved from https://mason.gmu.edu/~jshort/Erb%20Roommate%20Relationships.pdf
Ruiz, S., Sharkness, J., Kelly, K., DeAngelo, L., et al. (2010). Findings from the 2009 administration of the Your First College Year (YFYC): National aggregates. Higher Education Research Institute, Graduate School of Education and Information Studies, University of California, Los Angeles. Retrieved from https://www.heri.ucla.edu/PDFs/pubs/Reports/YFCY2009Final_January.pdf
University of Missouri. (n.d.). How to be a good roommate. Retrieved from https://reslife.missouri.edu/roommate
Washington College. (n.d.). Roommate conflict tools. Retrieved from https://www.washcoll.edu/offices/residential-life/roommate-conflict-tools.php