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Most of us have supported friends through difficult times, such as a break-up, academic pressure, or family issues. But how do we step up and provide support when friends and loved ones experience sexual assault and other forms of sexual violence? Especially when the person who experienced the assault is male?

Social pressure and stereotypes about gender can make it particularly challenging for men who’ve been assaulted to talk about their experiences. If one of your male friends or loved ones is assaulted, it’s important that you know you’re in a position to help.

Many of the challenges men face reflect social pressure: ideas that sexual assault makes them less masculine, that women can’t assault men, or that “real men” don’t talk about or get help for painful experiences. “Some men fear that they’ll be seen as less of a man,” says Dr. Jim Hopper, a researcher, therapist, and instructor at Harvard Medical School. “If they’re heterosexual, they may fear people will doubt their sexuality. And if they’re gay or bisexual, they may blame the assault on their sexuality in a way that further stigmatizes their being gay or bisexual.”

Addressing stereotypes

A common belief is that sexual violence only affects women. In fact, many men have unwanted sexual experiences, as both children and adults. One in six men in the US is sexually assaulted before age 18, according to studies from the 1980s to the early 2000s. In 2015, seven percent of men reported being sexually assaulted while attending college, according to a study by the Washington Post and the Kaiser Family Foundation. Regardless of the targeted man’s sexual orientation, both men and women perpetrate these assaults, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (2013).

“Sex, gender identity, and race can all influence how an experience like this affects someone, but it’s very important you have no presumption about what it feels like to your friend—so listen,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in Connecticut.

Talking to your friend about what happened

Everyone is different. People’s varying personalities and circumstances affect how they respond to an unwanted sexual experience and what we can do to help. For example, some people want lots of hugs, while some prefer verbal support. The most important thing is to relate to your friend in a way that can help him feel empowered and connected. As a friend, you’re in a great position to do this.

When a friend discloses an experience of violence, it’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions, such as shock, confusion, sadness, or anger. In the moment, keep the conversation focused on your friend’s emotions, not your own.

“Many people who experience sexual violence also experience some degree of self-blame,” says Dr. Boyd. “Partially, that’s just what people do when something bad happens: We go over the events in our head, hunting for things we could have done differently. It’s a way of regaining a sense of control. In the case of sexual violence, though, survivors also have to contend with victim-blaming patterns that run through our culture. So it’s important that friends help them push back against that. Be careful not to say or ask anything that might suggest blame—and affirm for your friend that he did the best he could in a difficult, complicated situation.”

Here are four ways you can be there for your friend

As challenging an experience as a sexual assault may be, it’s not as though your friend has become an entirely different person. The “othering” of people who’ve been assaulted—treating them differently—can be just as dangerous as ignoring or minimizing unwanted sexual experiences, according to researchers Nicola Gavey and Johanna Schmidt (Violence Against Women, 2011). Avoid thinking of the assault as something that cuts your friend off from the rest of the world; in fact, it’s up to you to be supportive and counteract that.

• Because of stereotypes about gender and sexual violence, male survivors may feel particularly othered: They might worry that people won’t take their experiences seriously, or that they’ll be viewed as weak. “It took me almost two years to come to terms with it, and I still feel like the few that I told sort of wrote it off because I’m a male,” said Chris*, a second-year undergraduate at the University of Kansas. To avoid othering, you can demonstrate that you take your friend’s experience seriously by using phrases like “that wasn’t okay” or “that sounds really messed up.”
• While it’s important to give your friend opportunities to talk about his experience of violence (if he chooses to), remember to maintain the other parts of your friendship too. It may be a relief to your friend to spend some time on normal activities that he enjoys. You can try statements like, “I’m happy to talk more about this if you want, but it’s also fine if you want to take a break from processing and go for a run together.”

Make sure to listen and focus on your friend’s feelings. “Pay attention to their specific issues,” says Dr. Boyd.

• Avoid pushing your own ideas. “Allow them to talk without being interrupted, and especially don’t put any more pressure on them (e.g., telling them that you think they need the police or a therapist),” says Tom*, a third-year undergraduate at Ripon College in Wisconsin. “Ask what you can do to help.”
• Don’t try to investigate the situation. It’s not important for you to find out exactly what happened or to delve into the details beyond what your friend wants to share.
• Avoid questions that might feel blaming (e.g., “Were you drunk?” or “Did you say no?”). “Being reminded that I wasn’t the one at fault felt reassuring,” said Taylor*, a second-year undergraduate at Wake Technical Community College in North Carolina.
• Don’t speculate about what you would have done in the situation (e.g., “If someone tried to do that to me, I’d fight them off”) or project emotions onto your friend (e.g., “You must feel like a whole different person”). Let your friend lead the conversation, and respect what he’s feeling.

Try statements like…

Avoid pronouns that assume the gender of the perpetrator or that make other assumptions about the experience. “I think one of the most important issues is breaking down the stereotype that only women are abused,” said Lena*, a second-year undergraduate at Tarrant County College in Texas.

• Make clear that you’re not making presumptions about your friend’s experience based on his identity. In particular, avoid assumptions about your friend’s sexual orientation or gender identity. “Drop in phrases or words that don’t put them on the spot but that signal your openness to hearing a more complex narrative, about, for example, ‘people of all genders,’” says Dr. Boyd. “Pay attention to what’s going on for the person in front of you.”
• It’s not your role to define the experience for your friend. Some people don’t use the word “rape” or “assault” to describe what may seem to you to be sexual violence, or relate to the terms “victim” or “survivor.” “You want them to feel like you’re connecting with their experience, not trying to impose your views or language on them,” says Dr. Hopper.

“As a friend, you want to relate to them in a way that gives them power, including by giving them choices and respecting whatever choices they make on whatever timeline,” says Dr. Hopper.

• Your friend might be interested in working with the police, pursuing disciplinary action, or working with other university resources. It’s up to him to decide. While it’s not your job to steer him to the police or school administrators, providing information about his options can be a great way to help. Figure out what resources your school has, such as hotlines, therapists, heath care providers, disciplinary processes, chaplains, or survivor advocates. “Since I was assaulted, I have learned that it wasn’t my fault and that therapy does help,” said Josh*, a second-year undergraduate at the College of the Desert in California.
• Talk with your friend about what makes him feel empowered and safe. Everyone’s different, so whether your friend feels like watching TV, working out, or flirting with someone at a party, you should ask and see how you can help. Sometimes people want to spend time on their own, sometimes people want to be social. It’s not your job to judge, but to be supportive. 

Look after yourself

“Supporting someone through the healing process can be stressful, hard, and exhausting. That’s why it’s important for supports to take of themselves,” says Bella Alarcon, a bilingual clinician at the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center who facilitates a support group for partners, friends, and family of people who’ve experienced sexual violence. Paying attention to your own needs isn’t selfish. “If you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, you’re not going to be able to support the survivor,” says Alarcon.

Be mindful of your own needs, and make sure that you’re getting support.

• “It’s okay to set limits and boundaries. If you need a break, it’s okay,” says Alarcon. If you’re finding a conversation with your friend overwhelming, say so. Try language like, “I really want to be here for you, but I’m finding it hard to handle this conversation. I want to be able to support you as well as I can, and I think I can do that better if I take a break for a few minutes.”
• Reach out to university resources for support. Consider speaking to a trusted mentor, a dean, a survivor advocate, or a health professional about how you’re doing. Respect your friend’s privacy by not sharing their story with peers or classmates.
• “Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself: Take a bath, go to the gym, have a cup of tea, go out with friends, have fun, have a good cry, take a deep breath, or get your own counseling,” says Alarcon.

*Names changed

Strategies developed by the Communication and Consent Educator program at Yale University.

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What are we talking about when we talk about stalking? The word has become a reference to nosing around each other’s Facebook timelines—or to unhealthy but not persistent choices, like that one miserable weekend when you drove past your ex’s place three times. We’re not here to talk about those. We’re talking about patterns of behaviors that cause substantial emotional distress to another person and may seriously compromise their sense of safety. Sometimes, these behaviors escalate to attempted sexual assault or other kinds of violence.

Stalking is more common on campuses than off, studies show. It is widely underreported and can affect anyone. “Most stalking is by men of women, but men can be stalked too,” says Detective Mark Kurkowski of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department’s Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri. Students who are transgender, genderqueer, or gender nonconforming may be especially vulnerable, a 2015 survey suggests (AAU Climate Survey on Sexual Assault and Sexual Misconduct).

Although stalking is a crime in all 50 states, it is often missed or minimized—even by people whose lives are disrupted by it. See Students’ stories; Stalking it over (next page).

Would you recognize stalking?

Most definitions of stalking come from the Violence Against Women Act and its 2013 reauthorization. “Stalking’ means engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to (A) fear for his or her safety or the safety of others, or (B) suffer substantial emotional distress.”

Two things are important about this, experts say:

1. Stalking is a “course” of conduct; a pattern of unwanted behaviors. It may include persistent texts and calls, online harassment, physically or digitally tracking or following the targeted person, and more.
2. This legal standard judges the effects of stalking—a person’s fear for their safety or substantial emotional distress. People sometimes get caught up on the question of what constitutes “substantial emotional distress,” says Jennifer Landhuis, director of social change at the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. “Does substantial emotional distress mean they have to go to counseling? No, it could be changing how they go to classes, feeling like they have to look over their shoulder—that kind of stuff.”

What stalking may look like

Why stalking can be difficult to spot Who's being stalked and by whom What to do if your obsessive thoughts about someone else are driving your behavior

8 ways to help a friend who’s being stalked

Chances are your friend isn’t quoting the Violence Against Women Act. They may not even use the word “stalking.” Even so, it’s important to take seriously initial concerns about stalking behaviors, and to act early, says Detective Mark Kurkowski, of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department’s Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri. “Respond to stalking cases before [they involve] violent threats or [run to] years of stalking,” he says. Here’s how to do that:

1. Listen to your friend’s story and believe it

Allow them to tell their story the way they want to tell it. Do not underestimate how powerful listening is.

“Allow them to tell their story the way they want to tell it,” says Jennifer Landhuis of the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. Do not underestimate how powerful listening is. “Sometimes the trauma will make them minimize what’s been happening, because they’re in the middle of it. That outside touchstone can make a big difference.”

2. Recognize that you are not in a position to say what they should do

All the methods they’ve tried have failed.

… or what you think they should have done to make the stalking behavior stop. “By the time stalking victims are reaching out and telling people about what’s going on, all the methods they’ve tried have failed,” says Landhuis.

3. Consider their full context and situation

As their friend, you’ll have some idea of what other challenges they may be facing; the stalking might be one part of a difficult semester.

Your friend is your friend, not just a stalking victim. As their friend, you’ll have some idea what other challenges they may be facing; the stalking might be one part of a difficult semester. All the pressures and challenges in their life are important in how you think about helping. “Unless you try to consider everything they come to the table with, you might not be able to help,” says Landhuis.

4. Help them explore their options and access to resources

Stalking resources are less familiar to most of us than sexual assault; options are available on and off campus.

• Although many of us are learning what resources exist for people affected by sexual assault and domestic violence, stalking resources are less well known.

• If the victim or others is (or feels) threatened with violence, call the police. “Whenever you have a credible threat, law enforcement should be involved,” says Det. Kurkowski.

• Check out the reporting, advocate support, and counseling options on campus. A good place to start is your campus counseling center or public safety/security office. Even if the stalking is also reported to the police, the school has responsibilities under Title IX. Look for a campus advocate, such as a residence assistant or someone in school administration, like the Title IX office. Your job as a friend may be finding which advocate on campus is best equipped to help. Advocates on campus can help in various ways:

• Accessing accommodations, such as getting the person being stalked into a different residence hall or classes
• Taking action through the school’s disciplinary process, and/or going to the police, with a view to interventions such as no contact orders. “Sometimes campus stalking codes are stricter than state law, and the university can hold the offender accountable in a number of ways, like suspension,” says Det. Kurkowski. “And just because you’re going to talk to someone about it doesn’t mean it’s going to get reported to law enforcement.” (Before reporting to a campus authority, ask about the school’s policies and procedures for involving local law enforcement.)

5. Activate your friend network

Check out these 4 ways to harness the power of your social network.

Social networks are powerful. Here’s how to harness that power:

• When someone who’s been stalked talks to a friend, they may find someone who’s been through the same thing and knows what to do, says Det. Kurkowski.

• If you know people who are friends with the stalker, they might be able to help. Landhuis says, “You can absolutely engage whatever peer group might have influence on the person who’s conducting the behavior.”

• Help protect the victim’s privacy. It’s not realistic to ask your friend to get off social media, but you can be very aware of how you use your own. “What kinds of information is the victim or their friends sharing?” asks Landhuis. “Often a stalker finds out where a victim is because the victim’s friends have posted on social media that they’re going out.” To strip online posts of automatic location information, search “how to disable geotagging on [phone make/model].”

• Actively support your friend’s safety when you’re together. If you’re heading to a bar with your friend who’s been stalked, ask your crew, “How are we going to keep an eye on them? What kinds of bystander supports are going to keep our friend feeling safe?”

6. Make a safety plan and check out safety apps

Safety plans and apps can help.

“In any stalking situation, you should be doing safety planning,” Det. Kurkowski says. Safety plans use what a victim knows about a stalker to reduce the risk of harm to themselves and those around them. For example, avoid places where the stalker tends to hang out; if the stalker shows up, have a safe exit plan ready. In addition, look for evaluated safety apps that can address your friend’s needs.

7. Document the pattern of stalking

This is essential to any disciplinary process or police report.

“Documentation is key—whether it be text messages, emails, Facebook postings, whatever. Don’t erase anything, don’t delete anything, make sure there’s a way to prove that this happened over a period of time,” says Det. Kurkowski. Take screenshots of social media posts and learn how to download a copy of Facebook messages.

8. Help others understand what stalking is

Avoid using language that minimizes how harmful and dangerous stalking can be.

Some victims minimize the behaviors that threaten their safety, or blame themselves. In that case, look at those behaviors: Is someone following them around, tracking them somehow, or not taking “no” for an answer? “Many people who don’t use the word ‘stalking’ will say, ‘That is happening to me,’” says Landhuis. “Help to educate your friend. What does stalking look like, what does it feel like, what does it sound like?”

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