Let’s talk about sex: How to share what you both want

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What makes a romantic or sexual encounter great? What do people want out of hookups? Everyone has their own answers—like physical pleasure, feeling connected to their partner, or developing a relationship. One quality, though, is fundamental to all good encounters: mutual desire.

So how can you make your sexual experiences more like your fantasies?

• By emphasizing desire and what you both truly want
• By focusing on quality, not quantity

“Unsexy sex” refers to sexual encounters in which one or both partners are in it for unsexy reasons—such as a sense of obligation, an urge to fit in, or a need to prove something. Good sex is based in genuine desire—the difference between a reluctant yes and an exuberant yes!

In a sexual or romantic encounter, talking or expressing desire doesn’t ruin the mood. Just the opposite—this can bring about some of the sexiest moments. These five steps will help you communicate in ways that deepen the pleasure or connection for you and your partner.

Trust your body language (+ clarifying affirmative consent)

Why body language works
One of the most important things about communication is how basic it is. As two-year-olds, most of us learn to interpret agreement, refusal, and ambiguity. And we only get better at it over time. We’re very good at interpreting—and giving—signs. These may be in words, tone of voice, or body language.

What does that have to do with romance and sex? If you think you’re making it clear with your body, tone, or words that you do or don’t want something, the person you’re talking to or hooking up with can almost certainly tell.

Humans are highly skilled at understanding acceptance and rejection in sexual and non-sexual contexts, according to researchers. “There are indeed miscommunications in sexual activity (as in all of life), and those miscommunications can certainly get in the way of fulfilling, pleasurable experiences. But they do not cause rape or assault,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean in student affairs at Yale University.

Clarifying affirmative consent
Sometimes, people dismiss the idea of communicating about the different parts of a physical encounter as a series of awkward questions: “May I put my hand on your leg? What about on your belly?” But this denies how we communicate during sex. The vast majority of people pick up on and respond to their partners’ signals. And when people ask outright, it only opens partners up to talk about what they want. This is far from a series of clinical questions or doctor’s checklist.

So trust your body language—and think about how to use it to express what you want. Your might place your partner’s hand where you want to be touched. You might create more space between your bodies and take a moment to talk. You might get closer and talk a little less.

All communication skills can be impaired by alcohol and other substances. If you are unsure whether or not the other person (or you) is able to give consent, call a halt. Mutually enthusiastic sex can be rescheduled.

What if understanding nonverbal language doesn’t come easily?

Some people have genuine difficulty interpreting nonverbal language and social cues. This has implications for establishing mutual sexual consent.

What to say to your partner if understanding body language is hard for you
“I don’t always pick up on body language, so if I misunderstand you, it’s not intentional. Please tell me directly what you want and what you don’t want.”

What to say to your partner if understanding body language is hard for them
“Let’s be direct, so we’re sure to understand each other. I’ll tell you what I want and what I don’t want. What do you want?”

How misunderstandings can happen
“This is mainly about the ability to read other people’s intentions and thoughts,” says Dr. Isabelle Hénault, a sexologist and psychologist based in Montreal, Quebec. “Especially with individuals with Asperger syndrome or other autism conditions, they rarely act out with a negative intention. Any problems are most likely about misreading situations.”

+ Why consent is like a cup of tea

Get help developing sexual communication skills

How to communicate clearly 
When one or both people have difficulty interpreting body language and other nonverbal cues, “be very concrete, very explicit, very clear,” says Michael Glenn, a clinical social worker and sex educator based in Massachusetts. He recommends disclosing a relevant diagnosis. “I really believe that at this point in time, enough is known about Asperger’s. You may as well label it and discuss it more openly, and make it sound interesting.”

How to develop sexual communication skills 
For people who struggle with interpreting social cues, intimate communication skills are best learned with support from a clinician, says Glenn: “They really need a professional who they can talk to in an ongoing way.” Therapists and their clients use role-playing and scripting to build skills. Pornography does not represent social norms or rules, and should not be used as a guide.

+ Seek support from Adult Services at the Asperger/Autism Network [AANE]

Talk about your desires (& theirs)

Express your desire
Expressing desire is about showing your own enthusiasm—and it’s about shaping a hookup or encounter for the better. Whether you’re looking for pleasure, a feeling of connectedness, or something else, communication is essential. Expressing your own desire helps your partner understand what you’re looking for, and it’s a chance to talk or figure out together what you each want.

In a recent poll by Student Health 101, more than half the respondents (53 percent) said that what makes them feel most desired is their partner telling them “I care about you” or “I desire you.”

Ask what they want
Talking is key, whether you’re going for physical pleasure, trying new things, feeling connected, empowered, or sexy, or something else. “Furthering the conversation in a positive way is fun,” Twanna A. Hines, the sex writer behind the Funky Brown Chick blog and Twitter account, told Student Health 101. Try questions like these, she says: “What are you into? What’s the hottest thing you’ve ever tried?”

Enthusiastic consent
Sometimes this shared excitement is called enthusiastic consent. This is the idea that when people engage in sexual activity, it’s not simply that you both agree to do it—it is something you both actively want. Focusing on your partner’s enthusiasm and finding where your desires overlap makes any encounter better.

“The ideal is a genuinely mutual, engaged, connected encounter that’s working for both people,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, who runs programming designed to create a more positive sexual and romantic culture at Yale University.

Listen, don’t assume

Listening is always better than assuming
Discussing your desires can feel intimidating. But remember—you are not a mind reader and neither is your partner. Every person comes into a sexual encounter with different goals and experiences. To get to shared desire and enthusiasm, it’s important to be attentive to your partner.

“Hooking up with someone from another country, you know there might be differences you don’t expect, so it’ll be important to communicate well,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean in student affairs at Yale University. “That’s likely to also be true of people whose values and experiences you think you already know.”

When it makes sense to be wary—and when it doesn’t
Listen to your partner. As you signal that you’re open to learning about their desires and what feels good to them, they should respond in kind. If they don’t—pay attention to that. And if your partner stops responding, check in and make sure they’re still OK with this. Remember: quality, not quantity.

Don’t worry about seeming inexperienced or wide-eyed. This kind of open communication will make an encounter more pleasurable, more mutual, more connected.

Talk about the basics ahead of time
Assumptions about what your partner might want are just as likely to prevent mutual engagement and pleasure. And while much communication around desire happens through body language, often things like whether to have sex, or how to do it, need to be talked through. Before you begin a sexual encounter, discuss consent, contraception, and sexually transmitted infections, says sex writer Twanna A. Hines. These conversations can help put people at ease.

To treat your partner as you would want to be treated, go into an encounter trying to understand what they’re looking for and how they want to get there.

Know what you want

Know what you’re looking for
Thinking about what you want out of an encounter or relationship, and about how you express desire, can help you feel clearer and more confident to pursue what you want.

“The research shows that so many young people are dissatisfied with their sex lives because they don’t understand it’s about quality, not quantity,” Jaclyn Friedman, an activist and a survivor of sexual assault, told Student Health 101. “Let go of the idea that sex is an accomplishment, something to collect, a commodity that we trade in, something one person gives up and the other person gets.”

Prioritize two-way communication
It’s important to look for partners with whom you can communicate in ways that work for both of you. Just as you’ll want to signal that you’re open to hearing what their desires are, you should look for partners who make you feel you can share and discuss your desires with them.

People who don’t seem to pay attention to what you want, who disregard your feelings, are unlikely to be ideal partners. And if you can find someone who values pleasure, mutuality, and emotional connection in ways that you do, or make you think about how you value those things—even if it’s only a one-time thing—then you’re on your way to creating more ideal encounters.

“Unsexy sex” refers to sexual experiences that are consensual but not pleasurable or enthusiastic for everyone involved. The term comes from Dr. Nicola Gavey, professor of psychology at the University of Auckland, who researches the ways that cultural norms influence sexual behavior.

Take the pressure off: Dos & don’ts

Ground rules

Know what sounds like pressure
In discussing with a partner what you want out of an encounter, it’s important that you don’t pressure them. After all, an ideal encounter is marked by mutual desire and enthusiasm.

Discuss the ground rules
Discuss ground rules: what you want to try, what you don’t want to try, what you might want to try, and maybe safe words as well. (See below.) “Asking open-ended questions—‘How do we have a lot of fun?’—communicates boundaries and seeks to provide pleasure for both parties,” says Twanna A. Hines of the Funky Brown Chick blog.

If you or they want to “give up control”
Exploring sexual roles involving dominance and submission, to whatever degree, plays on the idea that someone has given up control over their own body and desire. That idea is part of the game, but is not the reality. This kind of sexual encounter again relies on mutual agreement, clear expectations and boundaries, and safe words that signal when someone needs to stop or do something differently. Explicit communication and earned trust are essential. (A safe word is a word or phrase you would never otherwise use during sex; for example, “glitter bomb”. You agree in advance that it means “Stop right now and check in”.)

How students talk about consent

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