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All relationships come with their fair share of challenges, but long-distance dating can sometimes feel like relationship parkour. Whether you just moved away for college or you’re stuck at home due to a closed campus, you may have found yourself navigating a long-distance relationship (LDR) for the first time. Dating across distance introduces a new set of obstacles for your relationship, but there are plenty of ways to keep the spark alive.
Try these nine tips for making your LDR a success.
Don’t wait for problems to arise. Communicate about any issues as soon as they come up. “It sounds simple, but deep and open communication [is] key,” says Mark S.*, a second-year graduate student at Utah State University in Logan.
Center conversations on what you both want for your relationship, and then consider the steps you can take to help you get there. Ask yourselves these questions:
- What are some things we really value about our relationship? Can we keep any of these going long distance?
- What kinds of communication will work best for both of us (video chats, phone calls, texting)? How often? How will we manage different time zones?
- What are some challenges we anticipate? How can we deal with them as a team?
There’s no doubt that LDRs can be tough, but there are upsides. “Research suggests that long-distance relationships can be satisfying and rewarding,” says Dr. Theresa E. DiDonato, associate professor of psychology at Loyola University in Baltimore, Maryland. “Individuals in long-distance relationships often enjoy independence and autonomy and have the chance to look forward to reunions, which tend to be special times together,” she says.
“You’re going to have to figure out how to have a date. Plan things [you can do] together online,” says Rachael Benjamin, a senior therapist at Tribeca Therapy in New York City. “Maybe read a book together [or] take an online class. You can cook an interesting meal, play a video game, or go to a museum [virtually].”
“To maintain your connection, find time to go on virtual dates, watch a movie online, or do something you both like,” says Esther V.*, a fourth-year undergraduate at Portland State University in Oregon.
“A small gesture or short phone call can go a long way. Even connecting through video chat while each of you are doing separate activities can help [you feel like you’re] next to one another,” says Ella M.*, a fifth-year undergraduate at Queen’s University in Ontario, Canada.
“When my partner and I lived apart, we’d sometimes Venmo each other $3 for coffee. It was quick, easy, and pretty cheap, but it felt really special to treat the other person,” says James R.*, a third-year graduate student at Harvard University in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
What many of us miss most in LDRs is physical intimacy—touch builds connection and allows us to communicate nonverbally. While figuring out how to maintain that connectedness long distance, be sure to have up-front conversations about your boundaries and desires. “It is important for both partners to expressly communicate their boundaries, and if these boundaries change at any point, it’s crucial [to bring it] up right away. Additionally, both parties should maintain respect for each other and avoid being disappointed if the other person raises any objections,” says Adam Z.*, a fifth-year undergraduate at Allan Hancock College in Santa Maria, California.
- How often are you comfortable communicating?
- How will you handle it if one person feels like they want to communicate more or less often?
- What kinds of communication about romance or desire would work well for you?
- What are your boundaries for talking about sex, or exchanging sexual photos or videos?
- How do you want to manage disagreement or conflict?
It’s helpful to set boundaries up-front, but be ready for these to change, especially if you’re moving to a new place or taking on new responsibilities. “Transitions to new places often come with unforeseen demands on time,” says Dr. DiDonato. “Prior to becoming long distance, couples can set up a plan for regular communication to share details of their lives with each other, but should do so knowing that they will each have new demands on their time.”
“We’ve been in a relationship for over five years now, so we know each other’s boundaries pretty well, but maintaining open communication of preferences is still important,” says Isabel A.*, a second-year graduate student at Yale University in New Haven, Connecticut.
Some couples in LDRs choose to sext, share photos, or have sexual video chats. These activities can all be pleasurable parts of an LDR, and like any sexual activity, they carry some risks. If you choose to sext, consider the following:
- Have an explicit conversation about what you’re both OK with. “In general, with long-distance relationships, we have to spell things out a lot more,” says Benjamin. “For example, you could say, ‘I like receiving sexy pictures of you on the weekend; however, it makes me feel uncomfortable to receive them when I am at work,’” says Erin N.*, a fourth-year graduate student at Florida International University in Miami.
- Consider leaving any identifying characteristics out. “I usually keep my face out of photos,” says Danielle I.*, a second-year student at Wake Technical Community College in Raleigh, North Carolina.
- If messages or images are shared without your consent, a university counseling center or Title IX coordinator can provide support and help you explore possible courses of action.
LDRs can be taxing on your energy and mental well-being. Reach out to sources of support beyond your partner, such as a roommate or a friend from high school.
If you feel like your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries—whether they’re texting nonstop, asking for photos you’re not comfortable sharing, or being way too invasive about where you go and what you do—consider reaching out for help. These are all signs of control, and you deserve to have your wishes respected. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, a campus crisis center, or the RAINN hotline (1-800-656-4673).
While romantic relationships are important, they aren’t the only relationships that matter. A 2017 study published in the journal Psychological Medicine found that in a sample of more than 1,000 adolescents, support from friends increased mental health and well-being immediately and in the long term.
Talk with your partner about how you can both make time for your friends. Many of the things that you do to stay in touch with your partner—like watching a TV show together, sending a care package, or sending a “just because” text—are also great ways to stay connected to friends who are far away.
*Names have been changed for privacy.
Long-distance movie night: The Verge
Fun games to stay connected: Parade
Article sources
Rachael Benjamin, senior therapist, Tribeca Therapy, New York, New York.
Theresa E. DiDonato, PhD, assistant professor of psychology, Loyola University, Baltimore, Maryland.
Belus, J. M., Pentel, K. Z., Cohen, M. J., Fischer, M. S., et al. (2019). Staying connected: An examination of relationship maintenance behaviors in long-distance relationships. Marriage & Family Review, 55(1), 78–98.
House, B., McGinty, M., & Heim, L. (2017). Can you handle the distance? A look into social media and the effects on long-distance relationships. Concordia Journal of Communication Research, 4(1), 3.
Van Harmelen, A. L., Kievit, R. A., Ioannidis, K., Neufeld, S., et al. (2017). Adolescent friendships predict later resilient functioning across psychosocial domains in a healthy community cohort. Psychological Medicine, 47(13), 2312–2322.
Waterman, E. A., Wesche, R., Leavitt, C. E., Jones, D. E., et al. (2017). Long-distance dating relationships, relationship dissolution, and college adjustment. Emerging Adulthood, 5(4), 268–279.
