4 ways to support a male friend who’s been sexually assaulted

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*Note: In this piece, we will be referring to male-identifying individuals as men/male/him/his/them and female-identifying individuals as women/females. Content warning: This article discusses topics, including sexual trauma, that may be disturbing to some readers.

Most of us have supported friends through difficult times, such as a breakup, academic pressure, or family issues. But how do we step up and provide support when friends and loved ones experience sexual assault, abuse, and harassment—especially when the person who experienced it is male?

Social pressure and stereotypes about gender can make it particularly challenging for men who’ve been assaulted to talk about their experiences. If one of your male friends or loved ones is assaulted or trying to process past abuse, it’s important that you know you’re in a position to help.

Many of the challenges men face reflect social pressure: ideas that sexual assault and abuse make them less masculine, that females can’t assault males, or that “real men” don’t talk about or get help for painful experiences. “Some men fear that they’ll be seen as less of a man, [or that] their masculinity has been robbed or destroyed,” says Dr. Jim Hopper, a researcher, therapist, and instructor at Harvard Medical School in Boston, Massachusetts, who specializes in helping people who have experienced sexual assault and child abuse. 

Men who have been abused by other males may also have confusion or fears about their sexuality. “If you’ve had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences as a boy, the question ‘Am I gay because that happened?’ can bring lots of torment. For straight men, they may doubt that they are ‘really’ heterosexual. For gay and bisexual men, they may wonder if their attraction to men was caused by their childhood sexual experiences,” says Dr. Hopper. 

These feelings are all completely normal and are informed by cultural stereotypes and judgments regarding sexuality and gender identity. 

A common belief is that sexual assault and abuse primarily affects females. In fact, many men have unwanted sexual experiences, as both children and adults. According to a 2016–2017 report on sexual violence by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), at some point in their lifetime, approximately:

• 1 in 4 men reports having been victims of unwanted sexual contact.
• 1 in 9 reports having been sexually harassed in public.
• 1 in 9 reports having experienced sexual coercion and pressure to commit unwanted sexual acts.
  

Regardless of the targeted man’s sexual orientation, both men and women perpetrate these assaults, according to the CDC.

“Sex, gender identity, and race can all influence how an experience like this affects someone, but it’s very important you have no presumption about what it feels like to your friend—so listen,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in New Haven, Connecticut.

Everyone is different. People’s varying personalities and circumstances affect how they respond to an unwanted sexual experience and what we can do to help. For example, some people might want to do an activity together to get their mind off things, while others prefer verbal support. The most important thing is to relate to your friend in a way that can help him feel empowered and connected. 

When a friend discloses an experience of sexual assault or abuse, it’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions, such as shock, confusion, sadness, or anger. In the moment, keep the conversation focused on your friend’s emotions, not your own.

“Many people who experience sexual violence [assault, harassment, and abuse] also experience some degree of self-blame,” says Dr. Boyd. “Partially, that’s just what people do when something bad happens: We go over the events in our head, hunting for things we could have done differently. It’s a way of regaining a sense of control. In the case of sexual violence, though, survivors also have to contend with victim-blaming patterns that run through our culture. So it’s important that friends help them push back against that. Be careful not to say or ask anything that might suggest blame—and affirm for your friend that he did the best he could in a difficult, complicated situation.”

“My most important advice: Take care of yourself, and don’t push him,” says Dr. Hopper. 

1. Be careful not to “other” him

As challenging an experience as a sexual assault may be, your friend is still the same person they always were. The “othering” of people who’ve been assaulted—treating them differently—can be just as dangerous as ignoring or minimizing unwanted sexual experiences. Avoid thinking of the assault as something that cuts your friend off from the rest of the world; in fact, you can be supportive and counteract that.

Because of stereotypes about gender and sexual assault/abuse, male survivors may feel particularly othered. They might worry that people won’t take their experiences seriously, or that they’ll be viewed as weak. “It took me almost two years to come to terms with it, and I still feel like the few that I told sort of wrote it off because I’m a male,” said Chris*, a second-year undergraduate at the University of Kansas in Lawrence. 

To avoid othering, you can demonstrate that you take your friend’s experience seriously by using phrases like “That wasn’t OK” or “That sounds really messed up.” While it’s important to give your friend opportunities to talk about his experience (if he chooses to), it may be a relief to him to spend some time on normal activities, too. You can try statements like “I’m happy to talk more about this if you want, but it’s also fine if you want to take a break and go do something together.”

2. Truly listen and ask questions

Make sure to listen and focus on your friend’s feelings. “Pay attention to their specific issues,” says Dr. Boyd. Here are a few ways to do that:

“Allow them to talk without being interrupted, and especially don’t put any more pressure on them (e.g., telling them that you think they need the police or a therapist),” says Tom*, a third-year undergraduate at Ripon College in Wisconsin. “Ask what you can do to help.”

It’s not important for you to find out exactly what happened or to delve into the details beyond what your friend wants to share. Avoid questions that might feel blaming (e.g., “Were you drunk?” or “Did you say no?”). 

“Being reminded that I wasn’t the one at fault felt reassuring,” said Taylor*, a second-year undergraduate at Wake Technical Community College in North Carolina.

Don’t speculate about what you would have done in the situation (e.g., “If someone tried to do that to me, I’d fight them off”) or project emotions onto your friend (e.g., “You must feel like a whole different person”). 

Try statements like…

3. Be thoughtful about your language

Avoid pronouns that assume the gender of the perpetrator or that make other assumptions about the experience. “I think one of the most important issues is breaking down the stereotype that only women are abused,” said Lena*, a second-year undergraduate at Tarrant County College in Fort Worth, Texas.

Make it clear that you’re not making presumptions about your friend’s experience based on his identity. In particular, avoid assumptions about your friend’s sexual orientation or gender identity. “Drop in phrases or words that don’t put them on the spot but that signal your openness to hearing a more complex narrative about, for example, ‘people of all genders,’” says Dr. Boyd. “Pay attention to what’s going on for the person in front of you.”

It’s also not your role to define the experience for your friend. Some people don’t use the word “rape” or “assault” to describe what happened to them or relate to the terms “victim” or “survivor.” “You want them to feel like you’re connecting with their experience, not trying to impose your views or language on them,” says Dr. Hopper.

4. Give him choices

“As a friend, you want to relate to them in a way that gives them power, including by giving them choices and respecting whatever choices they make on whatever timeline,” says Dr. Hopper.

Your friend might be interested in working with the police, pursuing disciplinary action, or working with other university resources. It’s up to him to decide. While it’s not your job to steer him to the police or school administrators, providing information about his options can be a great way to help. Look into what on- or off-campus resources are available, such as hotlines, therapists, health care providers, disciplinary processes, chaplains, or survivor advocates. “Since I was assaulted, I have learned that it wasn’t my fault and that therapy does help,” said Josh*, a second-year undergraduate at the College of the Desert in Palm Desert, California.

Talk with your friend about what makes him feel empowered and safe. Everyone’s different, so whether your friend feels like watching TV, working out, or going to a party, you should ask and see how you can help. Sometimes people want to spend time on their own, sometimes people want to be social. It’s not your job to judge but instead to be supportive. 

“Supporting someone through the healing process can be stressful, hard, and exhausting. That’s why it’s important for supports to take care of themselves,” says Bella Alarcon, a bilingual clinician at the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center in Massachusetts who facilitates a support group for partners, friends, and family of people who’ve experienced sexual assault and abuse. Paying attention to your own needs isn’t selfish. “If you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, you’re not going to be able to support the survivor,” says Alarcon.

If you’re finding a conversation with your friend overwhelming, say so. “It’s OK to set limits and boundaries,” says Alarcon. Try language like, “I really want to be here for you, but I’m finding it hard to handle this conversation. I want to be able to support you as well as I can, and I think I can do that better if I take a break for a few minutes.”

You can also reach out to university resources for support. Consider speaking to a therapist, trusted mentor, dean, survivor advocate, or health professional about how you’re doing. Respect your friend’s privacy by not sharing their story with peers or classmates.

“Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself: Take a bath, go to the gym, have a cup of tea, go out with friends, have fun, have a good cry, take a deep breath, or get your own counseling,” says Alarcon.

“The better you take care of yourself, the more effectively you can support [your friend],” says Dr. Hopper. “You’ll be able to take a break when you’re getting overwhelmed, manage feelings like anger and sadness, and reach out for help when you need it. You’ll also be modeling self-care for the person you love, and more likely to stick with him (in a way that’s healthy for you) even in the hardest times.”

*Names changed