Students share: What we learned about relationship abuse

“Much of what he did was very subtle, but he also said things that were flattering but aimed to control me (‘We should get married;’ ‘We love each other so condoms aren’t necessary, besides I haven’t used one in years’). After I got away, he stalked me via phone and email for two years. To this day, when I see someone who looks like him I tense up.

“People in my community said I was making the whole thing up. That was the hardest thing in the world. They invited him to come into spaces where I normally would be, so I had to always be on guard. It might not be the most dramatic story, but it lingers. There are people who I don’t speak to because of how they dealt with those issues. There are places I still don’t feel comfortable because I associate them with that time in my life.”
—Graduate student, Canadian university

“It isn’t your fault. It can happen to anyone. It happened to me. It helps to talk to someone you trust when it first happens. I wish I had.”
—Fourth-year student, Ashford University (online)

“Victims of trauma and abuse have a tendency to blame themselves and downplay their experience because someone had it worse. It is important to realize that your pain and anger are valid.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Kwantlen Polytechnic University, British Columbia

“Being a friend to someone, especially a victim, is the best thing one can do. Knowing when to take a step back, when to ask for help from someone more experienced, and finding the proper resources is the best way to help someone. There is always someone who can help.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Suffolk University, Massachusetts

“Don’t be ashamed to report the abuse and be vocal. Your voice establishes others’ rights.”
—Third-year graduate student, University of Windsor, Ontario

“Some days I think I was sexually abused in my last relationship. I felt that he knew I didn’t want to but went ahead anyway, knowing I wouldn’t speak up or call him out on it. Other days I just think I’m over-thinking it. I’ve never spoken out about it because I’m not sure if it was my fault.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Florida International University

“A previous sexual encounter with someone is not an all-access pass which excuses forceful or threatening behavior.”
—First-year graduate student, Ashford University (online)

“Out of my 5+ relationships there have only been two partners that completely respected my boundaries and asked for consent.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario

“About two months into the relationship, I was beginning to notice how controlling and emotionally manipulative he was. I was drinking at his house with him and some friends. After I drank too much, he became angry. He wanted to have sex with me. I told him I felt sick, saying over and over again that I did not want to. He got on top of me anyway and I was too intoxicated to push him off. I stayed with him for six more months. There were several instances of him pushing me to do things and have sex with him. I regret that I pretended that what he did was OK. I have learned to never stay silent about sexual abuse and assault.”
—Second-year undergraduate, University of Central Arkansas

“Looking back on it, what my ex-boyfriend was doing was more subtle than coercion. He was very manipulative and I fell into the trap of wanting to please him all the time, which led to thinking I wanted to have sex with him, but after, I felt really icky. My subconscious was telling me to leave and that I didn’t want to have sex with him, but I ignored it. I don’t like thinking about it. I would tell anyone to listen to those thoughts and free yourself. It’s OK if you let down the other person. You have to protect yourself.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, University of California, San Diego

“I told the guy that I felt awful. Rather than comfort me [when I was sick], he took my hand and put it on his penis. I told him that was ridiculous and made it clear I did not want him to come to [my campus apartment] any more. He called me a bitch and told me I was making everything about myself. It took him weeks to understand I had dumped him. He kept telling me to ‘think about it,’ as if my breaking up with him was not real. I never allowed him to see me again. I don’t feel bad about dumping him in a text rather than making a scene in public or risking myself in my apartment.”
—First-year graduate student, Kutztown University of Pennsylvania

“A boyfriend forced me to have sex with him even after I had said no. He kept insisting and I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t give in. So I just did what he wanted. It happened on a Sunday and I ended the relationship on Monday. It took months to get rid of him fully, and he still haunts my dreams now and then. I never filed charges or reported it. [I felt] no one would believe it was rape. I still feel violated, and this happened years ago.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Ashford University (online)

“I have a friend who felt obligated to comply with his sexual demands because they were dating. We had to pull her out of the situation ourselves.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Collin College, Texas

“My boyfriend when I was younger had a bad temper and would hit walls or do really mean things. He was also fairly forceful in bed and made me feel guilty when I said no.”
—Second-year graduate student, University of Washington

“It is really frustrating to feel obligated to have sex with someone you love. When I am overwhelmed with tasks, my significant other does not recognize the hints I give him to back off. He had the audacity to act upset after I firmly said no, I would not interrupt my work to satisfy his urges. Later, after telling him I needed to sleep because I needed to be up in four hours, I finally just gave in. I love him, but it never feels good to be coerced into sex.”
—First-year student, Des Moines Area Community College, Iowa

“We broke up over the course of a year, and we still had sex sometimes, as if we were still together. It was assumed that I was always comfortable with it, since they were the one wavering in our relationship and I was not. I wasn’t all right with it, though. I did want it to work out eventually, and felt that meant maintaining intimacy through everything.”
—Third-year undergraduate, University of Victoria, British Columbia

“When I was married, my husband made it clear that if he wanted it and I didn’t, his desire would rule, because it was my duty to meet his needs and any lack of desire was my problem. I quickly learned to dread sex. Now that we are divorced, I’m worried that I will continue to view it as a negative experience.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Metropolitan State University of Denver, Colorado

“My first relationship was when I was 14 years old. The boy was such a charmer and no one knew what was going on. The first three months he was sweet as can be, but then he changed. He said the reason our relationship was bad was because I wouldn’t have sex with him. He did some sexual things against my will that are too painful to go into detail about. Because of him, I believed I was stupid, unlovable, and ugly.

“One day he said that he was unhappy and it was my job to make him happy. So I said we were through. I lost friends because he said I lied and cried rape. I was bullied on social media. I have PTSD from the abuse. This past year I feel into a deep dark place. I wanted to kill myself. I realized I had been running from the pain and never dealt with it. I am on medicine now, and working with someone on my anxiety, PTSD, and depression. Everyday is a battle that I slowly am winning. I refuse to let the butthead continue hurting me. Those sexual assault videos always like to quote that ‘1 in 4’ statistic; what many don’t realize is for me that isn’t just a statistic, it’s my life.”
—Second-year graduate student, California State University, Stanislaus

“My first husband beat and raped me and went to prison for it. I got addicted to opiates shortly after and lost my home. It took me years to come to terms with it. The most helpful thing was my comfort animal.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, Portland State University, Oregon

“I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. My sight was thwarted because I was in love; it was very confusing. I knew something was not right but couldn’t place my finger on it. After this relationship, my subsequent relationships were unbalanced. I had lost the potential for innocence and trust. It was not until the birth of my now year-old daughter, and extensive therapy, that I have achieved a harmonious relationship. I am ecstatic!”
—Second-year undergraduate, Berea College, Kentucky

In a recent survey by SH101, most stories of relationship abuse were reported by female students describing heterosexual relationships. This is the most common abuse dynamic, research shows. That said, relationship abuse can happen to anyone. This slideshow includes comments from students of varying genders and sexualities.