Tame the tension: Science-backed ways to talk it out
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How often are you baffled by someoneâs refusal to share (or even see) your point of view? As a species, humans are not terribly effective at changing other peopleâs minds, a frustration that all of us have likely encountered online and in person, or maybe in class. Commonly, we react to the other personâs point of view rather than listening and responding thoughtfully. As a result, we often donât hear othersâand arenât heard ourselves. Part of this is about human brain baggage: Psychological research has revealed the subconscious biases that make us resistant to unwelcome evidence. That said, itâs not hopeless. The following techniques can help us communicate more effectivelyâstrengthening our relationships, reducing our stress, and setting us up for the Nobel Peace Prize (or at least a good grade for class participation).
1. Decide whether itâs worth the effort
Not every annoyance is worth a fight, according to Jonathan Herring and Leigh Thompson in Learn the Art of Logic and Persuasion (FT Press, 2013). If you argue about everything that bothers you, âyouâre going to end up stressed out, frustrated, and damaging your relationship,â they write. Be selective with your arguing energies. If an issue is causing you emotional distress, thatâs a clue that it may be worthwhile to talk it through.
2. Pick a good time
Instead of telling the person that you want to talk, ask if now (or later, or tomorrow) would be a good time. âWhen you ask someone if they want to talk, it makes them feel like youâre being considerate of them,â says Tracy Hornig, director of mediation at the Center for Resolutions, a nonprofit providing dispute resolution services in Pennsylvania.
3. Jot down your points
Write a letter to the person or notes for yourself. This can help you work out what to say and think about how it may come across. Realizing what not to say is useful too. For example, itâs OK to talk about the impact of abolishing taxes or outlawing guns, but donât make assumptions about the other personâs intentionâwe commonly get this wrong.
4. Determine a backup plan
Decide beforehand that if you start to feel out of control, youâll take time out. âOne thing people do in conflict is react,â says Hornig. âWhen things are getting heated, the ability to get grounded is key.â Try listening to music, watching some funny videos, or talking with a supportive friend.
1. Reframe your frustration
Itâs OK if you donât manage to change someoneâs mind. Humans are quirky creatures, and our quirks include a resistance to evidence that seems to threaten our own worldviews. âWhen your deepest convictions are challenged by contradictory evidence, your beliefs get stronger,â blogged David McRaney, author of You Are Not So Smart (Gotham, 2011)âa phenomenon known as the âbackfire effect.â Itâs OK to disengage from an argument and reconvene later (or not). Often, your time and energies can be used more productively elsewhere.
2. See what you can learn from it
Think about your experience through the lens of the five steps outlined in this article. We can all benefit from becoming better listeners, finding common ground, and seeing positive elements in positions that donât work for us overall. We can gain a better sense of where someone is coming from without having to agree with their conclusions. Sometimes, we wonât see eye-to-eye no matter how hard we try, and itâs OK to agree to disagree. This isnât necessarily about giving ground. These are skills that can help us personally and professionally throughout our lives. Arguments arenât going awayâweâll all get plenty of opportunities to practice.
3. Use mechanisms for preventing future feuds
If your argument is with the people in your life, look for solutions that can satisfy all parties. For example, if youâre arguing with roommates over who should do the chores, you might not agree on whose turn it is, but you can probably all agree that the house should be kept cleanâso suggest that you create a chore schedule to assign tasks and avoid future conflict. For a roommate agreement template, see Get help or find out more.
1. Use âIâ statements
Statements that start with âI feelâ or âI thinkâ will help you avoid giving the impression that youâre blaming or accusing. âItâs hard for someone to tell you that what youâre feeling or what you think is wrong,â says Hornig. âAfter saying how you feel, explain why you feel that way.â
2. Pay attention to your language and tone
âThink about the words youâre choosing and how youâre responding, because it will affect how they respond,â says Hornig. Considered, thoughtful responses are more effective than quips, according to a 2016 study by researchers at Cornell University. Avoid insults and blameworthy phrases like, âYouâre wrongâ or âJust calm down.â (Probably no one in history has ever calmed down because they were told to.) This is where those âIâ statements come in handy.
3. Donât quote the person youâre arguing with
This can be hard to resist. But quoting the other person comes across as nitpicky. It can also be unfair, because we all use language casually sometimes. After all, these are conversations and comment threads, not legal briefings. If youâre homing in on their wording, youâre unlikely to influence their opinion, according to the 2016 Cornell study.
4. Address points that the other person didnât
Say the other person isnât impressed by the concept that same-sex marriage is about equal rights. Try talking instead about love and family. This strategy worked effectively for LGBTQ campaigners. In the 2016 Cornell study, online arguments were relatively effective when their points and themes were different from those of the original poster.
5. Use real-life examples and anecdotes
Abstract concepts, such as âjusticeâ or âracism,â are less compelling than real-life examples, according to research. Similarly, we tend to find personal stories more affecting than statisticsâalthough statistics can help show that the stories weâre telling arenât unusual.
6. Team up
Arguments are more persuasive when theyâre coming from a group, according to the 2016 study. That said, donât make the other person feel targeted. Social dynamics are as relevant online as they are face-to-face. âThere are lots of social group formation, hierarchies, and dynamic structures that can have considerable effects on how things move and evolve both online and consequently in the off-line world,â Dr. Taha Yasseri, a researcher at the Oxford Internet Institute in the UK, told the Washington Post.
5 steps to constructive conflict
1. Let the other person make their point
Really pay attention to what the other person is saying or writing. Let them finish their thoughts. âActive listeningâ includes concentrating on (and understanding) the other personâs position, instead of making assumptions about their intention and thinking about what youâll say next. When itâs your turn to talk or comment, ask them to do the same.
2. Summarize their position
âWhat I heard you say wasâĶ.â Aim to be clear, vivid, and fair. Ideally, the other person will wish theyâd put it that way. This time-honored advice came from the late social psychologist Anatol Rapoport and was among his key rules for constructive arguing. Rapoportâs rules are the best way to avoid caricaturing and mocking your opponent, says the philosopher Daniel Dennett.
3. Mention any points of agreement
The other person will be more receptive if they know you recognize where your perspectives overlap, especially on points that donât already have widespread acceptance. For example, we can all agree that life is fairer when everyone is able to reach their potential. Whatâs harder is agreeing on the best ways to make that happen. If you and the other person are in sync on parts of this, point that out.
4. Acknowledge what you have learned from your opponent
We can learn from each other even when weâre not in full agreement. Again, this is about demonstrating that youâve considered their points and are approaching this in good faith. This approach makes your opponent more receptive to your dissent, as Dennett points out in Intuition Pumps and Other Tools for Public Thinking (Norton, 2013).
5. Then give your response
Only now should you venture into rebuttal, disagreement, or criticism. And yes, how you handle this matters. Some strategies may be familiar to youâothers likely wonât.
Difficult Conversations [book summary, pdf]: Stone, Patton, & Heen
“The Backfire Effect”: David McRaney
6 ways to win any argument or at least end it: Psychology Today
Tracy Hornig, director of mediation, Center for Resolutions, Pennsylvania.
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