How healthy is your relationship? Take the quiz
Reading Time: 5 minutes Is your partner’s behavior normal or a big red flag that they might be controlling or abusive? Take our quiz to see if you’re in a healthy relationship.
14 ways to build better money habits today
Reading Time: 12 minutes Easy ways to stop spending all your money.
7 steps to pain-free budgeting
Reading Time: 6 minutes As a student, sometimes the money goes out faster than itâs coming in. Learn how to track your spending with this step-by-step guide. (Your future self will thank you.)
Know how to protect yourself from getting sick? Take the quiz
Reading Time: 3 minutes Test your knowledge of how to prevent common infections with this quiz.
3 reasons why you should get the flu shot this year
Reading Time: 5 minutes The flu virus is contagious, so how much can our healthy habits help us compared to getting the flu shot?
Upgrade your sleep: Simple bedroom solutions
Reading Time: 9 minutes From decor, to temperature, to white noise, fellow students offer their tips on how to make your bedroom a sleep-happy space.
9 ways to support a friend in an abusive relationship
Reading Time: 17 minutes Do you suspect your friend is in an abusive relationship? Here’s how you can help.
7 ways to lower your risk of STIs
Reading Time: 12 minutes Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are increasingly common among young people. Here are seven simple ways you can lower your STI risk.
How you can help prevent sexual assault of people with disabilities
Reading Time: 10 minutes Studies of sexual assault consistently show a higher rate of victimization of people with disabilities compared to nondisabled people. The good news? You can get involved.
How to empower students to intervene when someone they know is experiencing intimate partner violence
Reading Time: 6 minutes
[survey_plugin]
Article sources
When young people experience intimate partner violence (IPV), they’re most likely to disclose it to their friends. Therefore, itâs critical that we give students the tools to support a friend who may be experiencing IPV. These four strategies can help.
1. Focus on strategies for intervening
Focus on ways students can help each other. Overemphasizing the warning signs of abuse risks sending the message to students that they must determine definitively whether they’re witnessing an abusive interaction as a prerequisite to helping. That said, itâs important that students have some familiarity with the signs of relationship abuse.
2. Train students to intervene early, subtly, and frequently
We want students to intervene when they witness obvious abuse and violenceâbut we donât want them to hold off until they see that. We also want them to intervene much sooner and in much less severe situations: when they witness or experience casual disrespect, sexual pressure, or disregard for personal boundaries. Hereâs why this works:
- Intervening subtly and frequently feels more doable than larger, one-time interventions. Itâs what students already do as good friends: checking in, listening, showing support.
- Students are more likely to witness disrespectful behavior, like a belittling comment or low-level pressure, than they are to witness unmistakable abuse, like a sexual assault or physical battery.
3. Keep your examples diverse
Relationship abuse is difficult to address in part because of common misunderstandings about why and how abuse happens, and who it happens to. In workshops and other educational messaging, use stories featuring people of diverse genders, sexualities, races, and socioeconomic classes. If you use gender-neutral examples, be alert to whether students are âfilling inâ the missing information according to gender stereotypes.
4. Be prepared for students to disclose to you
When students disclose assault and abuse, it’s typically to friends. That said, students, or friends of students, experiencing intimate partner violence may turn to a faculty member, administrator, or trusted mentor for help accessing resources. The strategies in our article provide guidance for that conversation. In addition, familiarize yourself with the intimate partner violence resources on your campus and in your local community. Students aren’t always comfortable using campus-based resources, so it helps to have backups. Know your reporting obligations under Title IX to ensure that you and your students are aware of the limits of confidentiality.
Read the article to learn more.
Get help or find out moreTrained advocates 24/7: National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Help for deaf callers: National Domestic Violence Hotline
Video phone 1-855-812-1001
TTY 1-800-787-3224
Multiple organizations and resources: WNYC
Chat, call, or text for help: Love Is Respect
Learn about dating violence: Break the Cycle
Help a friend: Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness
Resources for LGBTQ people experiencing IPV: The Anti-Violence Project
Advocate against campus assault and harassment: Know Your IX
Hana Awwad and Evan Walker-Wells contributed to this article.
Melanie Boyd, PhD, assistant dean of student affairs, Yale University, Connecticut.
Casey Corcoran, MAT, program director, Futures Without Violence, California.
Dana Cuomo, PhD, coordinator of victim advocacy services, University of Washington.
Rachel Pain, PhD, professor, Department of Geography; co-director, Centre for Social Justice and Community Action; Durham University, UK.
Anderson, D. K., & Saunders, D. G. (2003). Leaving an abusive partner: An empirical review of predictors, the process of leaving, and psychological well-being. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 4(2), 163â191.
Barnett, O. W. (2000). Why battered women do not leave, part 1: External inhibiting factors within society. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 1(4), 343â372.
Barnett, O. W. (2001). Why battered women do not leave, part 2: External inhibiting factorsâsocial support and internal inhibiting factors. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 2(1), 3â35.
Barrett, B. J., & St. Pierre, M. (2011). Variations in womenâs help seeking in response to intimate partner violence: Findings from a Canadian population-based study. Violence Against Women, 17(1), 47â70.
Barter, C., McCarry, M., Berridge, D., & Evans, K. (2009, October). Partner exploitation and violence in teenage intimate relationships. NSPCC. Retrieved from https://www.nspcc.org.uk/globalassets/documents/research-reports/partner-exploitation-violence-teenage-intimate-relationships-report.pdf
Bell, K. M., & Naugle, A. E. (2005). Understanding stay/leave decisions in violent relationships: A behavior analytic approach. Behavior and Social Issues, 14, 21â45.
Bennice, J. A., & Resick, P. A. (2003). Marital rape: History, research, and practice. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 4(3), 228â246.
Beres, M. A. (2014). Rethinking the concept of consent for anti-sexual violence activism and education. Feminism and Psychology, 24(3), 373â389.
Beres, M. A. (2010). Sexual miscommunication? Untangling assumptions about sexual communication between casual sex partners. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 12(1), 1â14.
Bergen, R. K. (1996). Wife rape: Understanding the response of survivors and service provider. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
Brieding, M. J., Smith, S. G., Basile, K. C., Walters, M, L., et al. (2014, September 5). Prevalence and characteristics of sexual violence, stalking, and intimate partner violenceâNational Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, United States, 2011. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 63(SS08), 1â8. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss6308a1.htm?s_cid=ss6308a1_e
Burke, J. G., Gielen, A. C., McDonnell, K. A., OâCampo, P., et al. (2001). The process of ending abuse in intimate relationships: A qualitative exploration of the Transtheoretical Model. Violence Against Women, 7(10), 1144â1163.
Carmody, M., & Ovenden, G. (2013). Putting ethical sex into practice: Sexual negotiation, gender, and citizenship in the lives of young women and men. Journal of Youth Studies, 16(6), 792â807.
Casey, E. A., Querna, K., Masters, N. T., Beadnell, B., et al. (2016). Patterns of intimate partner violence and sexual risk behavior among young heterosexually active men. Journal of Sex Research, 53(2), 239â250.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2003). Costs of intimate partner violence against women in the United States. CDC, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control: Atlanta, GA. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/ipvbook-a.pdf
Clark, S., & Hamby, S. (2011). Challenges and resources of survivors of domestic violence. [Presentation]. Retrieved from https://dspace.sewanee.edu/handle/11005/266
Crockett, E. (2017, January 10). Many mass shooters have a history of domestic violence. Itâs time to pay attention. Vox. Retrieved from https://www.vox.com/identities/2017/1/10/14213164/mass-shooters-gun-violence-domestic-violence
DeKeseredy, W., Rogness, M., & Schwartz, M. (2004). Separation/divorce sexual assault: The current state of social scientific knowledge. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 9, 675â691.
Edwards, K. M., Dardis, C. M., & Gidycz, C. A. (2012). Womenâs disclosure of dating violence: A mixed methodological study. Feminism & Psychology, 22(4), 507â517.
Enander, V. (2011). Leaving Jekyll and Hyde: Emotion work in the context of intimate partner violence. Feminism & Psychology, 21(1), 29â48.
Goldenberg, T., Stephenson, R., Freeland, R., Finneran, C., et al. (2016). âStruggling to be the alphaâ: Sources of tension and intimate partner violence in same-sex relationships between men. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 18(8), 875â889.
Humphreys, C., & Joseph, S. (2004). Domestic violence and the politics of trauma. Womenâs Studies International Forum, 27, 559â570.
Kelly, T., & Stermac, L. (2012). Intimate partner sexual assault against women: Examining the impact and recommendations for clinical practice. Partner Abuse, 3(1), 107â122.
Lindgren, K. P., Parkhill, M. R., George, W. H., & Hendershot, C. S. (2008). Gender differences in perceptions of sexual intent: A qualitative review and integration. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 32(4), 423â439.
Mabry, D. (2015, September 16). Seeking an end to cycles of abuse. Radio Rookies. WNYC. Retrieved from https://www.wnyc.org/story/seeking-end-cycles-abuse/
Mahlstedt, D., & Keeny, L. (1993). Female survivors of dating violence and their social networks. Feminism & Psychology, 3, 319â333.
McFarlane, J., & Malecha, A. (2005). Sexual assault among intimates: Frequency, consequences and treatments. Research report for US Department of Justice. Retrieved from https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/211678.pdf
Miller, B., & Irvin, J. (2016). Invisible scars: Comparing the mental health of LGB and heterosexual intimate partner violence survivors. Journal of Homosexuality. doi.org/10.1080/00918369.2016.1242334
Montalvo-Liendo, N. (2009). Cross-cultural factors in disclosure of intimate partner violence: An integrated review. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 65(1), 20â34.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (2015). Facts about domestic violence and sexual abuse. Retrieved from https://www.ncadv.org/files/Domestic%20Violence%20and%20Sexual%20Abuse%20NCADV.pdf
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Love is respect. Retrieved from https://www.loveisrespect.org/
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2014, May 29). What is gaslighting? Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/
OâByrne, R., Hansen, S., & Rapley, M. (2008). ââIf a girl doesnât say ânoâ. . .ââ: Young men, rape and claims of âinsufficient knowledge.â Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, 18(3), 168â193.
OâByrne, R., Rapley, M., & Hansen, S. (2006). âYou couldnât say âno,â could you?â: Young menâs understandings of sexual refusal. Feminism & Psychology, 16(2), 133â154.
Orchowski, L. M., & Gidycz, C. A. (2015). Psychological consequences associated with positive and negative responses to disclosure of sexual assault among college women: A prospective study. Violence Against Women, 21(7), 803â823.
Rainy. (2015, September 16). Why do I stay? Radio Rookies. WNYC. Retrieved from https://www.wnyc.org/story/why-do-i-stay/
Rausch, M. A. (2016). Systemic acceptance of same-sex relationships and the impact on intimate partner violence among cisgender identified lesbian and queer individuals. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 11(3â4), 270â284.
Rennison, C. M. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992â2000. Retrieved from https://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf
Stith, S. M. (2006). Future directions in intimate partner violence prevention research. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 13(3â4), 229â244.
Taylor, L. R., & Gaskin-Laniyan, N. (n.d.). Sexual assault in abusive relationships. NIJ Journal, 256. Retrieved from https://www.defendyourself.org/documents/jr000256d-sexualAssault.pdf
Tina. (2015, January 25). When youâre the abuser. Represent. Retrieved from https://www.youthcomm.org/story/id/FCYU-2015-01-24.html
Tina. (2015, September 16). Living both sides of abuse, and choosing neither. Radio Rookies. WNYC. Retrieved from https://www.wnyc.org/story/living-both-sides/
Tjaden, P., & Thoennes, N. (2000). Extent, nature, and consequences of intimate partner violence: Findings from the national violence against women survey. US Department of Justice. Retrieved from https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/181867.pdf
van Schalkwyk, S., Boonzaier, F., & Gobodo-Madikizela, P. (2014). âSelvesâ in contradiction: Power and powerlessness in South African shelter residentsâ narratives of leaving abusive heterosexual relationships. Feminism & Psychology, 24(3), 314â331.
WNYC. (2015, September 16). Where to find help. Retrieved from https://www.wnyc.org/story/where-find-help/
Woodyatt, C. R., & Stephenson, R. (2016). Emotional intimate partner violence experienced by men in same-sex relationships. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 18(10), 1137â1149.
Yale Sexual Harassment and Assault Response & Education Center. (n.d.). Sexual MisconductâIntimate Partner Violence. Retrieved from https://sharecenter.yale.edu/information-about-sexual-misconduct/forms-sexual-violence/intimate-partner-violence
5 strategies for reducing the incidence of sexual assault among people with disabilities
Reading Time: 4 minutes
Article sources
Students with disabilities are at heightened risk of sexual assault and abuse, and are less able to access support services and legal justice, research shows. The same is true of students with emotional health conditions who may not identify as disabled. How can colleges help prevent these students from being targeted and support those who have experienced sexual assault and abuse? These five strategies can help:
1. Conceptualize disability broadly
Around 11 percent of US undergraduates identify as disabled, according to the Department of Education. This largely excludes students experiencing severe loneliness or anxiety, depression or chronic illness, or past trauma. Emotional health issues and disability can increase studentsâ isolation and vulnerability to sexual assault, experts say. âCommunity power dynamics have enormous impact,â says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs at Yale University. âSocial status can dictate who gets targeted, who is granted the right to advocate for themselves, [and] who is seen as a legitimate self-advocate.â
2. Ensure that sexual consent policies are inclusive
Colleges can help build a culture in which everyoneâs bodily autonomy and communication is respected. Sexual assault policies should recognize every adult studentâs right to consensual sex, and the right to be heard and presumed competent, with or without disabilities.
Learn more about disability and consent
3. Guide students in establishing inclusive social norms and practices
âHow do you address peopleâs vulnerabilities without reaffirming those in some way? Build structures and practices that accommodate them without calling them out,â says Dr. Boyd, who oversees Yaleâs Consent and Communication Educators program. This means helping students reconsider the social accessibility of experiences such as school dances or half-time at the big game. Inclusive cultural norms support all student populations.
4. Keep the needs of survivors with disabilities in perspective
Survivors with disabilities have largely the same needs as those without disabilities, says Colby Bruno, senior legal counsel at the Victim Rights Law Center, a legal service in Massachusetts representing sexual assault victims. âSexual assault victims [may have] suicidal ideologies and think they are to blame,â says Bruno. Skilled advocates and health care providers can help meet studentsâ disability-specific needs (e.g., HIV prophylaxis treatment following a sexual assault may interact with other medications).
5. Build supportive networks for students with disabilities
Mentor relationships and disability-informed support services can be protective against assault and improve studentsâ access to resources. Support networks should include designated faculty, advocates, office hours and spaces, disability-informed counseling, and representation in student government.
[school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,wellnesspromotion, healthservices, studentservices, studentlife, counselingservices, studentsucess, titleix’] Get help or find out moreSupport for disabled survivors: RAINN
Guide to supporting survivors with disabilities: Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape
A survivorâs story of healing: Pandoraâs Project
Tools for supporting disabled survivors: Washington State Coalition Against Disabled Violence
LGBTQ hotline and meet-up groups: Trevor Project
Deaf domestic violence hotline: Abused Deaf Womenâs Advocacy Services
Help for survivors: National Sexual Assault Hotline and Online Hotline
Melanie Boyd, PhD, assistant dean in student affairs; lecturer in womenâs, gender, and sexuality studies, Yale University, Connecticut.
Colby Bruno, Esq., JD, senior legal counsel, Victim Rights Law Center, Massachusetts.
Michael Glenn, LICSW, clinical social worker and sex educator, Massachusetts.
Isabelle HÃĐnault, PhD, director, Clinique Autisme et Asperger de MontrÃĐal, Quebec.
Albrecht, G. L., & Devlieger, P. J. (1999). The disability paradox: High quality of life against all odds. Social Science and Medicine, 48(8), 977â988.
American College Health Association. (2016). American College Health AssociationâNational College Health Assessment II: Reference Group Executive Summary Spring 2016. Hanover, MD: American College Health Association.
Balderian, N. (1991). Sexual abuse of people with developmental disabilities. Sexuality and Disability, 9(4), 323â335.
Brieding, M., & Amour, B. (2015). The association between disability and intimate partner violence in the United States. Annals of Epidemiology, 25(6), 455â457.
Brown-Lavoie, S. M., Viecili, M. A., & Weiss, J. A. (2014). Sexual knowledge and victimization in adults with autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 44(9), 2185â2196.
California Coalition Against Sexual Assault (CALCASA). (2010). Creating access: Supporting survivors of sexual assault with disabilities. Retrieved from https://www.calcasa.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/821/2010/12/Disabilities-Info-Packet-Final-Upload-12.29.10.pdf
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2006). Behavioral Risk Factor Survey 2006: Survey data and documentation. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/brfss/annual_data/annual_2006.htm
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). Key findings: Prevalence of disability and disability type among adults, USâ2013. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/disabilityandhealth/features/key-findings-community-prevalence.html
Francavillo, G. S. R. (2009). Sexuality education, sexual communication, rape myth acceptance, and sexual assault experience among deaf and hard of hearing college students. DRUM, University of Maryland. Retrieved from https://drum.lib.umd.edu/handle/1903/9937
Johnson, I., & Sigler, R. (2000). Forced sexual intercourse among intimates. Journal of Family Violence, 15(1), 95â108.
Khan, A. (2015, February 12). The hidden victims of campus sexual assault: Students with disabilities. AlJazeera.com. Retrieved from https://america.aljazeera.com/articles/2015/2/12/the-hidden-victims-of-campus-sexual-assault-students-with-disabilities.html
Keilty, J., & Connelly, G., (2001). Making a statement: An exploratory study of barriers facing women with an intellectual disability when making a statement about sexual assault to police. Disability & Society, 16(2), 273â291.
Martin, S. L., Ray, N., Sotrez-Alvarez, D., Kupper, L. L., et al. (2006). Physical and sexual assault of women with disabilities. Violence Against Women, 12(9), 823â837.
Mitra, M., Mouradian, V. E., & Diamond, M. (2011). Sexual violence victimization against men with disabilities. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 41(5), 494â497.
National Center for Education Statistics. (n.d.). Fast facts: Students with disabilities. Retrieved from https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=60
Obinna, J., Krueger, S., Osterbaan, C., Sadusky, J. M., et al. (2005). Understanding the needs of the victims of sexual assault in the deaf community. Researching Sexual Violence Project. Retrieved from https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/212867.pdf
Sobsey, D., & Doe, T. (1991). Patterns of sexual abuse and assault. Sexuality and Disability, 9(3), 243â259.
Stimson, L., & Best, M. C. (1991). Courage above all: Sexual assault against women with disabilities. Toronto Disabled Womenâs Network: Toronto.
Stockburger, S., & Omar, H. A. (2015). Women with disabilities: Reproductive care and womenâs health. International Journal of Child Health and Human Development, 8(4), 429â447.
CampusWell survey, November 2016.
Sullivan, P. M. & Knutson, J. F. (1994). The relationship between child abuse and neglect and disabilities: Implications for research and practice. Omaha, NE: Boys Town National Research Hospital.
Tame the tension: Science-backed ways to talk it out
Reading Time: 6 minutes
Rate this article and enter to winÂ
How often are you baffled by someoneâs refusal to share (or even see) your point of view? As a species, humans are not terribly effective at changing other peopleâs minds, a frustration that all of us have likely encountered online and in person, or maybe in class. Commonly, we react to the other personâs point of view rather than listening and responding thoughtfully. As a result, we often donât hear othersâand arenât heard ourselves. Part of this is about human brain baggage: Psychological research has revealed the subconscious biases that make us resistant to unwelcome evidence. That said, itâs not hopeless. The following techniques can help us communicate more effectivelyâstrengthening our relationships, reducing our stress, and setting us up for the Nobel Peace Prize (or at least a good grade for class participation).
1. Decide whether itâs worth the effort
Not every annoyance is worth a fight, according to Jonathan Herring and Leigh Thompson in Learn the Art of Logic and Persuasion (FT Press, 2013). If you argue about everything that bothers you, âyouâre going to end up stressed out, frustrated, and damaging your relationship,â they write. Be selective with your arguing energies. If an issue is causing you emotional distress, thatâs a clue that it may be worthwhile to talk it through.
2. Pick a good time
Instead of telling the person that you want to talk, ask if now (or later, or tomorrow) would be a good time. âWhen you ask someone if they want to talk, it makes them feel like youâre being considerate of them,â says Tracy Hornig, director of mediation at the Center for Resolutions, a nonprofit providing dispute resolution services in Pennsylvania.
3. Jot down your points
Write a letter to the person or notes for yourself. This can help you work out what to say and think about how it may come across. Realizing what not to say is useful too. For example, itâs OK to talk about the impact of abolishing taxes or outlawing guns, but donât make assumptions about the other personâs intentionâwe commonly get this wrong.
4. Determine a backup plan
Decide beforehand that if you start to feel out of control, youâll take time out. âOne thing people do in conflict is react,â says Hornig. âWhen things are getting heated, the ability to get grounded is key.â Try listening to music, watching some funny videos, or talking with a supportive friend.
1. Reframe your frustration
Itâs OK if you donât manage to change someoneâs mind. Humans are quirky creatures, and our quirks include a resistance to evidence that seems to threaten our own worldviews. âWhen your deepest convictions are challenged by contradictory evidence, your beliefs get stronger,â blogged David McRaney, author of You Are Not So Smart (Gotham, 2011)âa phenomenon known as the âbackfire effect.â Itâs OK to disengage from an argument and reconvene later (or not). Often, your time and energies can be used more productively elsewhere.
2. See what you can learn from it
Think about your experience through the lens of the five steps outlined in this article. We can all benefit from becoming better listeners, finding common ground, and seeing positive elements in positions that donât work for us overall. We can gain a better sense of where someone is coming from without having to agree with their conclusions. Sometimes, we wonât see eye-to-eye no matter how hard we try, and itâs OK to agree to disagree. This isnât necessarily about giving ground. These are skills that can help us personally and professionally throughout our lives. Arguments arenât going awayâweâll all get plenty of opportunities to practice.
3. Use mechanisms for preventing future feuds
If your argument is with the people in your life, look for solutions that can satisfy all parties. For example, if youâre arguing with roommates over who should do the chores, you might not agree on whose turn it is, but you can probably all agree that the house should be kept cleanâso suggest that you create a chore schedule to assign tasks and avoid future conflict. For a roommate agreement template, see Get help or find out more.
1. Use âIâ statements
Statements that start with âI feelâ or âI thinkâ will help you avoid giving the impression that youâre blaming or accusing. âItâs hard for someone to tell you that what youâre feeling or what you think is wrong,â says Hornig. âAfter saying how you feel, explain why you feel that way.â
2. Pay attention to your language and tone
âThink about the words youâre choosing and how youâre responding, because it will affect how they respond,â says Hornig. Considered, thoughtful responses are more effective than quips, according to a 2016 study by researchers at Cornell University. Avoid insults and blameworthy phrases like, âYouâre wrongâ or âJust calm down.â (Probably no one in history has ever calmed down because they were told to.) This is where those âIâ statements come in handy.
3. Donât quote the person youâre arguing with
This can be hard to resist. But quoting the other person comes across as nitpicky. It can also be unfair, because we all use language casually sometimes. After all, these are conversations and comment threads, not legal briefings. If youâre homing in on their wording, youâre unlikely to influence their opinion, according to the 2016 Cornell study.
4. Address points that the other person didnât
Say the other person isnât impressed by the concept that same-sex marriage is about equal rights. Try talking instead about love and family. This strategy worked effectively for LGBTQ campaigners. In the 2016 Cornell study, online arguments were relatively effective when their points and themes were different from those of the original poster.
5. Use real-life examples and anecdotes
Abstract concepts, such as âjusticeâ or âracism,â are less compelling than real-life examples, according to research. Similarly, we tend to find personal stories more affecting than statisticsâalthough statistics can help show that the stories weâre telling arenât unusual.
6. Team up
Arguments are more persuasive when theyâre coming from a group, according to the 2016 study. That said, donât make the other person feel targeted. Social dynamics are as relevant online as they are face-to-face. âThere are lots of social group formation, hierarchies, and dynamic structures that can have considerable effects on how things move and evolve both online and consequently in the off-line world,â Dr. Taha Yasseri, a researcher at the Oxford Internet Institute in the UK, told the Washington Post.
5 steps to constructive conflict
1. Let the other person make their point
Really pay attention to what the other person is saying or writing. Let them finish their thoughts. âActive listeningâ includes concentrating on (and understanding) the other personâs position, instead of making assumptions about their intention and thinking about what youâll say next. When itâs your turn to talk or comment, ask them to do the same.
2. Summarize their position
âWhat I heard you say wasâĶ.â Aim to be clear, vivid, and fair. Ideally, the other person will wish theyâd put it that way. This time-honored advice came from the late social psychologist Anatol Rapoport and was among his key rules for constructive arguing. Rapoportâs rules are the best way to avoid caricaturing and mocking your opponent, says the philosopher Daniel Dennett.
3. Mention any points of agreement
The other person will be more receptive if they know you recognize where your perspectives overlap, especially on points that donât already have widespread acceptance. For example, we can all agree that life is fairer when everyone is able to reach their potential. Whatâs harder is agreeing on the best ways to make that happen. If you and the other person are in sync on parts of this, point that out.
4. Acknowledge what you have learned from your opponent
We can learn from each other even when weâre not in full agreement. Again, this is about demonstrating that youâve considered their points and are approaching this in good faith. This approach makes your opponent more receptive to your dissent, as Dennett points out in Intuition Pumps and Other Tools for Public Thinking (Norton, 2013).
5. Then give your response
Only now should you venture into rebuttal, disagreement, or criticism. And yes, how you handle this matters. Some strategies may be familiar to youâothers likely wonât.
Get help or find out more
[survey_plugin]
Article sources
[school_resource category='studentservices, counsellingservices']
Difficult Conversations [book summary, pdf]: Stone, Patton, & Heen
“The Backfire Effect”: David McRaney
6 ways to win any argument or at least end it: Psychology Today
Tracy Hornig, director of mediation, Center for Resolutions, Pennsylvania.
Anuradha, L. R., & Yagnik, V. S. (2012, April). Improving positive mental wellness among adolescents: Current need. Delhi Psychiatry Journal, 15(1). Retrieved from https://medind.nic.in/daa/t12/i1/daat12i1p22.pdf
Deffenbacher, J., & Spielberger, C. (2011, October). Strategies for controlling your anger. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx
Dewey, C. (2016, February 11). How to win a Facebook argument, according to science. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-intersect/wp/2016/02/11/how-to-win-a-facebook-argument-according-to-science/?utm_term=.1e47ee6f9eb5
Gallo, A. (2014, June 16). Choose the right words in an argument. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2014/06/choose-the-right-words-in-an-argument
Hashmi, S. (2013). Adolescence: An age of storm and stress. Review of Arts and Humanities, 2(1). Retrieved from https://aripd.org/journals/rah/Vol_2_No_1_June_2013/2.pdf
Herring, J., & Thompson, L. (2012). Learn the art of logic and persuasion. New Jersey: Pearson Education.
Maiese, M. (2003, October). Negotiation. Beyond Intractability. Retrieved from https://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/negotiation
McRaney, D. (2011, June 10). The backfire effect. You Are Not So Smart. Retrieved from https://youarenotsosmart.com/2011/06/10/the-backfire-effect/
Overton, A. R., & Lowry, A. C. (2013, December). Conflict management: Difficult conversations with difficult people. Clinics in Colon and Rectal Surgery, 26(4), 259â264.
Popova, M. (2014, March 28). How to criticize with kindness: Philosopher Daniel Dennett on the four steps to arguing intelligently. BrainPickings. Retrieved from https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/03/28/daniel-dennett-rapoport-rules-criticism/
Segal, J., & Smith, M. (2016, November). Conflict resolution skills: Building the skills that can turn conflicts into opportunities. Helpguide.org. Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
Tan, C., Niculae, V., Danescue-Nikulescu-Mizil, C., & Lee, L. (2016). Winning arguments: Interaction dynamics and persuasion strategies in good-faith online discussions. Proceedings of the 25th International Conference on the World Wide Web, 613â624. Retrieved from https://dl.acm.org/citation.cfm?id=2883081
University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire. (2012, September 14). Building healthy relationships. Retrieved from https://www.uwec.edu/Counsel/pubs/selfhelp/bhr.htm