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Romantic relationships can be a great source of joy and fulfillment. But when a relationship is unhealthy or abusive, it can cause major harm. Relationship abuse is characterized by a pattern of control, disrespect, and emotional manipulation. Sometimes that pattern involves sexual or physical assault or coercion.

“My boyfriend refused to listen to my explicit ‘Nos’ or even ‘It hurts,’” wrote an undergraduate in New Hampshire. “At the time, I didn’t realize it was considered sexual assault. I thought that because we were dating, that wasn’t a thing.”

When sexual assault or coercion happens within the context of a relationship, it is still sexual assault or coercion. Most likely it isn’t an isolated incident but instead part of a pattern of abusive behaviors. “After I broke up with him, I started to realize how abusive the relationship was and how badly it impacted my self-esteem and grades,” the student said (in a recent survey by SH101). “It took a long time for me to realize that this problem did not have to define my time in college.”

Abuse can be emotional or physical

Sexual assault or coercion within relationships is only one category of abusive relationship behavior. It is common for abuse to be entirely or largely emotional, not physical. That said, studies suggest that sexual violence by partners is not rare. Like all unmistakable signs of abuse, it tends to happen out of sight. We are more likely to witness the “small things”—incidents of disrespectful or belittling behavior by one partner to another. These may signal that abuse is happening, or will happen in future.

We can look out for each other

Most of the steps for supporting a friend are actions that people appreciate whether or not they are experiencing abuse. Being an active bystander is about the things we do every day to look out for our friends and communities. In short: Know the warning signs of relationship abuse, and if you’re not sure, check in anyway.

Why does this matter so much? Unconditional support via social networks is vital to coping with relationship abuse, research shows. Supportive friends may be especially important for people of color, who tend to receive less backup than white women (Women’s Studies International Forum, 2004).

Abuse does not target any one type of person

Research has traditionally focused on abuse experienced by women in heterosexual relationships. Male and LBGTQ survivors have been overlooked until relatively recently. Men and women may experience emotional abuse at similar rates, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2014). “Anyone can be in an abusive relationship: female/male, gay/straight, any ethnic or cultural background, any physical size, ability, or strength,” says Dr. Rachel Pain, a professor of human geography at Durham University in the UK, who studies relationship abuse. “We all have a strong tendency to think it would never happen to us, but abusive partners are not abusive when we meet them.”

Common signs of abuse

You don’t have to be sure that this is abuse, but it’s helpful to know the signs. Abusive behaviors form a pattern of control, disrespect, and emotional manipulation. Click for info and examples.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Social manipulation and surveilance” tab_id=”1497276299453-ee3216f2-c859″][vc_column_text]Isolating the other person from friends and family
In a healthy relationship, each person talks to and communicates with their friends as they’d like. Abusive behaviors include preventing a partner from spending time alone with friends or family, or constantly calling or texting to keep tabs on a partner. “If he starts to notice that your family and friends are concerned about your relationship, he may be looking to keep you away from them,” says Dana Cuomo, coordinator of victim advocacy services at the University of Washington. (Because of this dynamic, don’t give up on your friend if they stop calling you—be there for them and stay supportive.)

Checking the other person’s phone, email, or social media without permission (or pressuring them for access)
In a relationship, each partner is entitled to privacy. Violating that privacy is a major warning sign.

Intruding on another person’s private communications may also be a means of changing or influencing their decisions and opportunities. “Maybe you get a job interview, but your partner deletes the email so that you never know about it,” says Casey Corcoran, a program director of Futures Without Violence, an advocacy organization working to end violence against women and children.

Red flags include:

• Checking a partner’s emails, texts, social media, and so on without their permission
• Obsessively keeping tabs on the partner via texting, calling, or social media
• Monitoring where a partner goes, whom they see, or what they do
• Making personal decisions on behalf of a partner, or pressurizing them in their decisions, such as who to hang out with, or where to study or work

Using social status or peer pressure to manipulate the other person
Abusive partners may use the threat of social pressure, gossip, or lies to manipulate their partners. Often, they’ll also claim to be the authority on how men or women, or romantic or sexual partners, are supposed to behave. This is a way of justifying their own behaviors or condemning their partner’s.

Leveraging their power as “gatekeeper” to a social community
Some partners provide an important link to a social community (e.g., a group of friends, a club or organization based around a shared interest or identity, or an academic or professional group). Abusive partners may try and use that community link as a way to pressure their partner to stay in the relationship. Abusers may similarly use financial resources or pressure to control their partner.

Example  “If a partner who’s abusive is someone’s main link to an LGBTQ community, or maybe was that person’s first same-gender partner, that relationship can be very much tied up in their sexual identity,” says Gabe Murchison, senior research manager at the Human Rights Campaign, an LGBTQ advocacy organization. “They may be especially afraid to end that relationship, and they may feel they’ll lose a concrete part of their LGBTQ identity by ending it.”[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Emotional manipulation” tab_id=”1497276299495-93dbede2-0759″][vc_column_text]Making belittling comments and put-downs
Calling a partner names, making them feel small or ashamed, or humiliating them are common warning signs. No one should use shame to control their partner.

Getting angry suddenly
“This can be a sign of a bigger issue, especially if your partner becomes physically or emotionally abusive when they ‘lose it,’” says Corcoran.

Example  You can’t ever be sure you’re saying the right thing. It seems like anything might set your partner off. “You may feel as though you are on a roller coaster all the time,” says Corcoran. “One minute everything is fine, and the next he’s yelling.” In these cases, you feel like you can’t relax because you don’t know what to expect.

Being possessive and jealous
Warning signs include suddenly becoming jealous or angry, or making false accusations of infidelity.

Example  You’re at the bar and run into someone you’ve been intimate with before. When your partner finds out, they get very upset. “This happens when the abuser sees you as their property,” says Cuomo. “It is part of the pattern of power and control in abusive relationships in which you aren’t allowed to make choices about your own life.”

Those choices may include what you wear. They may be thinking that “if you’re wearing something sexy or flirty, you’ll draw the attention of another person, and that will be your fault,” says Cuomo. “It is very manipulative because it isn’t your fault at all; it’s because they don’t trust you not to act on another person’s advances.”

Making over-the-top gestures
Expensive gifts at the beginning of a relationship, or a rush to spend a ton of time together, can be red flags. Overcompensating is a distraction tactic—maybe she doesn’t want you looking too closely at other aspects of the relationship—and can also be used as leverage.

Extravagant gestures can also be part of the pattern of abuse and making up, which is common in abusive relationships. For example, “He might get so angry that he hits you during a fight. Then later he brings you a bouquet of flowers,” says Corcoran.

These episodes of kindness and hope can position the targeted person to deny the fear and anger that they feel toward the abuser, research indicates (Feminism & Psychology, 2011). “This is the time when the abuser tries to regain control,” says Cuomo. “The cycle has three stages: The tension builds, it turns into a fight, and then they apologize and say they’ll never do it again.”

Engaging in “gaslighting”
“Gaslighting” (the term references a 1938 play) is when an abusive partner manipulates the other by trying to make them doubt their own reality, experiences, and emotional health. The abusive partner might say, “It’s in your head,” or “It didn’t happen like that.” They may trivialize their partner’s emotions or pretend not to understand what they are talking about.[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Physical or sexual pressure or violence” tab_id=”1497276367713-3923c413-7b01″][vc_column_text]Using physical violence, the threat of violence, or fear
This can mean anything from destroying possessions—phones, glasses, tables, or other property—to physically harming a partner. Sometimes violence will be used or threatened in connection to sex. Some abusers threaten self-harm as a kind of manipulation.

Making someone nervous or uncomfortable can be a deliberate power tactic. “In unhealthy relationships, your partner does things that are meant to make you fearful,” says Corcoran.

Example  There’s no excuse for driving recklessly, especially with someone else in the car. If it’s intended to frighten the other person, this is abusive.

Pressuring or forcing sex
This includes sexual pressure, coercion, or force. It is common in physically abusive relationships, research shows. For example, in a 2005 study, two out of three women who’d been physically assaulted by a partner had also been sexually assaulted or coerced by that partner (Department of Justice).

Red flags include:

• Threatening or using alcohol or drugs to pressure a partner to have sex
• Ignoring a partner’s lack of interest in sex or even their explicit “nos” to sexual activity
• Demanding sex in return for a gift
• Refusing to use condoms or other kinds of birth control

Example  “When your partner doesn’t respect your decisions around sex, she may try to manipulate or blame you,” says Corcoran. “Why do we need to use a condom? Is it because you are sleeping with someone else?”[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]

8 steps to supporting a friend in an abusive relationship

People experiencing abusive encounters and relationships tend to tell a friend, studies show. If you are that friend, you can make a difference. If you are experiencing abuse, these steps can help outline what seeking support may look like.

1   Be there and listen

This sounds simple, and it goes a long way. Abusive relationships often function by isolating the abused person from their support network, especially friends and family. Being present for your friend can be powerful in and of itself, counteracting the isolation they experience.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”What to know about listening” tab_id=”1497276613089-d76974d4-c05b”][vc_column_text]When people reach out for support, it’s usually to a friend. For example, in a small study of college women who had experienced unwanted sexual contact, three out of four had disclosed the assault or abuse—the vast majority to a friend, according to Feminism & Psychology (2012).

Listening has many benefits. In a classic study of abuse survivors, people said they had valued the opportunity to talk and vent about their experiences, to receive comfort and emotional support, and to observe their friends’ anger toward abusers (Feminism & Psychology, 1993).

Be aware of factors and feelings that may make it harder for someone to disclose. Frequently, people in unhealthy relationships minimize the abuse they are experiencing (“It’s no big deal”); this may be especially likely if the abuse does not involve extreme physical or sexual violence. Some are concerned that others won’t understand and/or may respond in unhelpful ways. Some may be held back by embarrassment or shame, or fear for their safety if they tell anyone.

Self-blame is another powerful obstacle. In a 2015 study, people who had experienced sexual violence and understood it was not their fault were more likely to disclose it than were those who blamed themselves (Violence Against Women).[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]2  Be open to individual experiences

Stay attuned to your friend’s needs, regardless of whether or not their relationship conforms to what you’ve heard before about abuse. Be alert to common misconceptions about what abusive relationships look like and who they happen to.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Stereotype-busters to keep in mind” tab_id=”1497276685585-df489ac5-69b3″][vc_column_text]While abusive relationships have similarities—the pattern of controlling behavior, for example—no two are the same.

Keep in mind:

• Abuse can take place in relationships of all types.
• Abuse can take place in relationships involving people of any sexual orientation and/or gender combination.
• Abuse can happen to anyone. Men can be abused in relationships. Outwardly strong, assertive people can be abused in relationships. Experts on relationship abuse can be abused in relationships.

How professionals moved past victim blaming
Professionals’ understanding of relationship abuse has shifted in recent decades. “In the mid-20th century, psychiatrists believed that only certain types of women ‘fell into’ abusive relationships,” says Dr. Pain. “Now it’s widely recognized that they were mistaking the symptoms of being abused (especially the mental health effects) for factors that predisposed certain people to being abused. This was a kind of medically sanctioned victim blaming that meant hefty challenges for the women’s movement and others trying to end relationship abuse. It also left men and LGBT victims out of the picture until relatively recently.”[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]3  Be clear that your friend is not to blame

Part of your role is to emphasize that the abuser is responsible for the abuse. Aggressors try to shift the blame: “I wouldn’t have to shout if you listened the first time”; “It wouldn’t be like this if I could trust you.” Self-blame is a common and powerful obstacle to disclosing abuse and seeking help.

4  Show your support

Ask: “What can I do to help?” The answer may be something seemingly small, like having breakfast with your friend regularly or walking them to class. Maybe you can help schedule an appointment with a doctor or counselor. In any case, follow your friend’s lead on how to help. Avoid saying anything that might trivialize your friend’s experience.

5  Remind yourself that your friend is in charge

Abusive relationships often involve repeated violations of a person’s autonomy. It is crucial that you not replicate that dynamic when you offer help. Your friend is (and should remain in) the driver’s seat. The decision of what to do and when is theirs.

6  Resist advising your friend to leave the relationship

Dumping the abuser may seem like a no-brainer. But many people find this advice unhelpful, in part because it can come across as victim blaming. Consider asking for guidance: “I’m not here to tell you to leave. That said, if you ever want to leave, I’ll support you. I’ll have your back, whatever your decision.”[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Why leaving can be so difficult” tab_id=”1497276789340-dce4a058-c521″][vc_column_text]It may seem baffling that someone does not immediately walk away from an abusive relationship. Researchers have found that the dynamics of abuse, and the decision to stay or leave, are highly complicated (Behavior and Social Issues, 2005).

People’s reasons for staying in abusive relationships are often rational and considered (for example, relating to safety, children, and finances), studies show. Individuals’ sense of belonging is important in deciding how to respond to abuse. For nonwhite people, the decision to leave a family or community can be especially seismic, research suggests (Women’s Studies International Forum, 2004). Researchers now understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a process and may take multiple attempts (Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 2003).

Is it ever helpful to advise someone to leave?
Here’s the caveat: Some people report that the advice to leave an abusive relationship was helpful. This difference appears to depend on where each individual is at, research suggests. In a 2011 study, some women who had already considered leaving or had made preparations for leaving found it helpful to be advised to leave (Feminism & Psychology). For those who had not considered leaving, the same advice was unhelpful. Check in with your friend and ask what kind of support they need.[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]

7  Suggest helpful resources

Suggest additional sources of support that might help your friend. These may be on campus, in the community, or online. Whatever you suggest, the decision on how to proceed belongs to your friend.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Where to start with accessing support” tab_id=”1497276882686-3e92a6a5-55e0″][vc_column_text]Researching the available support resources is a quick and practical way to help a friend. For example:

• On campus: Your friend could consider discussing the situation with a counselor, the Title IX coordinator, a trusted dean, or an RA. Most campus staff and faculty have reporting obligations that require them to share any reports of violence or abuse with the Title IX coordinator. You may want to ask staff or faculty about this before disclosing.
• In the community: Your friend may be interested in discussing their experiences with a rape or sexual assault crisis center, or other victim advocacy organization.
• Online: Your friend may find it helpful to talk with an advocate via an anonymous, confidential hotline or online chat service. This may be a general relationship abuse resource or one that supports a specific community (e.g., LGBTQ). For resources, see Find out more today.

When is it OK to take the decision to seek further help out of their hands?
Only if someone is experiencing an acute threat or might harm themselves or others. In that case, talk to a campus counselor, the campus safety office, or Title IX staff.[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]8  Seek out support for yourself too

Supporting a friend through an abusive relationship can take a toll on you. Seek support whenever you need it from friends, family, mentors, or professionals. Relationship abuse hotlines are for you too (see Find out more today). Respect your friend’s privacy throughout.

Why it’s important to reach out

You may have noticed similarities between abusive relationships and abuse or misconduct in other contexts. You can likely tell when someone is experiencing pressure, disrespect, or unwanted attention. This makes your job as an active bystander that much easier.

What to do when you’re not sure this is abuse—and why their relationship is your business
Recognizing troubling dynamics within established relationships is not much different from recognizing such dynamics elsewhere. Whether the interaction involves a couple, acquaintances, or strangers, you can likely tell when someone is experiencing pressure, disrespect, or unwanted attention.

What if I’m not sure this is abuse?
You might be thinking of a friend whose relationship is not entirely respectful or fulfilling. Low-level disregard and disrespect are not the same as a pattern of controlling behaviors. Still, we should be wary. Everyone deserves to have their boundaries and desires respected. As a good friend, you would still be concerned for your friend, their well-being, and their happiness. These skills and strategies—listening, being present, showing support—are still useful in these contexts.

And what if it’s actually abusive?
The negative consequences of relationship abuse are far-reaching, both for individuals, communities, and society. These examples may surprise you:

Mass shootings
“Many high-profile mass shooters are also domestic abusers, and most ‘mass shootings’ are actually domestic violence incidents,” reported Vox, following the shooting at Fort Lauderdale airport in January. Researchers are exploring the parallels between relationship abuse and acts of terror. “While the two forms of violence are different in important ways, they are similar in the way that they work: largely, through fear,” says Dr. Rachel Pain, who co-directs the Centre for Social Justice and Community Action at Durham University, UK. “The physical incidents of violence are only part of the story; the threat of violence is used to exert control. And the fear that creates—either for the individual, children, or for a wider community—is one of the most important effects.”

Economic impact
Relationship abuse accounts for enormous costs in healthcare services, lost productivity, missed work, homelessness, and the ripple effects of intergenerational trauma (the impact on children and teens who are exposed to relationship abuse in their families). In the US, the cost of relationship abuse exceeded $5.8 billion a year, in a 2003 study for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_pageable no_fill_content_area=”1″ active_section=”1″ pagination_color=”black” tab_position=”top” title=”Students share: What we learned about relationship abuse” css=”.vc_custom_1497278014814{padding: 20px !important;background-color: #e8e8e8 !important;}”][vc_tta_section title=”Here’s why social support matters” tab_id=”1497277220059-d9c77296-9bcd”][vc_column_text]Here’s why social support matters

“Much of what he did was very subtle, but he also said things that were flattering but aimed to control me (‘We should get married;’ ‘We love each other so condoms aren’t necessary, besides I haven’t used one in years’). After I got away, he stalked me via phone and email for two years. To this day, when I see someone who looks like him I tense up.

“People in my community said I was making the whole thing up. That was the hardest thing in the world. They invited him to come into spaces where I normally would be, so I had to always be on guard. It might not be the most dramatic story, but it lingers. There are people who I don’t speak to because of how they dealt with those issues. There are places I still don’t feel comfortable because I associate them with that time in my life.”
—Graduate student, Canadian university[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Talking to someone is huge” tab_id=”1497277220184-487c451d-c5dc”][vc_column_text]

Talking to someone is huge

“It isn’t your fault. It can happen to anyone. It happened to me. It helps to talk to someone you trust when it first happens. I wish I had.”
—Fourth-year student, Ashford University (online)

“Victims of trauma and abuse have a tendency to blame themselves and downplay their experience because someone had it worse. It is important to realize that your pain and anger are valid.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Kwantlen Polytechnic University, British Columbia

“Being a friend to someone, especially a victim, is the best thing one can do. Knowing when to take a step back, when to ask for help from someone more experienced, and finding the proper resources is the best way to help someone. There is always someone who can help.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Suffolk University, Massachusetts

“Don’t be ashamed to report the abuse and be vocal. Your voice establishes others’ rights.”
—Third-year graduate student, University of Windsor, Ontario[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Quality partners value mutual enthusiastic consent” tab_id=”1497277222542-811a8fe7-2751″][vc_column_text]

Quality partners value mutual enthusiastic consent

“Some days I think I was sexually abused in my last relationship. I felt that he knew I didn’t want to but went ahead anyway, knowing I wouldn’t speak up or call him out on it. Other days I just think I’m over-thinking it. I’ve never spoken out about it because I’m not sure if it was my fault.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Florida International University

“A previous sexual encounter with someone is not an all-access pass which excuses forceful or threatening behavior.”
—First-year graduate student, Ashford University (online)

“Out of my 5+ relationships there have only been two partners that completely respected my boundaries and asked for consent.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Recognizing abusive behaviors can be a process” tab_id=”1497277223629-cec5b4a8-4e54″][vc_column_text]

Recognizing abusive behaviors can be a process

“About two months into the relationship, I was beginning to notice how controlling and emotionally manipulative he was. I was drinking at his house with him and some friends. After I drank too much, he became angry. He wanted to have sex with me. I told him I felt sick, saying over and over again that I did not want to. He got on top of me anyway and I was too intoxicated to push him off. I stayed with him for six more months. There were several instances of him pushing me to do things and have sex with him. I regret that I pretended that what he did was OK. I have learned to never stay silent about sexual abuse and assault.”
—Second-year undergraduate, University of Central Arkansas

“Looking back on it, what my ex-boyfriend was doing was more subtle than coercion. He was very manipulative and I fell into the trap of wanting to please him all the time, which led to thinking I wanted to have sex with him, but after, I felt really icky. My subconscious was telling me to leave and that I didn’t want to have sex with him, but I ignored it. I don’t like thinking about it. I would tell anyone to listen to those thoughts and free yourself. It’s OK if you let down the other person. You have to protect yourself.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, University of California, San Diego[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Ending an abusive relationship can be a process, too” tab_id=”1497277224472-dbe67b6b-4628″][vc_column_text]

Ending an abusive relationship can be a process, too

“I told the guy that I felt awful. Rather than comfort me [when I was sick], he took my hand and put it on his penis. I told him that was ridiculous and made it clear I did not want him to come to [my campus apartment] any more. He called me a bitch and told me I was making everything about myself. It took him weeks to understand I had dumped him. He kept telling me to ‘think about it,’ as if my breaking up with him was not real. I never allowed him to see me again. I don’t feel bad about dumping him in a text rather than making a scene in public or risking myself in my apartment.”
—First-year graduate student, Kutztown University of Pennsylvania

“A boyfriend forced me to have sex with him even after I had said no. He kept insisting and I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t give in. So I just did what he wanted. It happened on a Sunday and I ended the relationship on Monday. It took months to get rid of him fully, and he still haunts my dreams now and then. I never filed charges or reported it. [I felt] no one would believe it was rape. I still feel violated, and this happened years ago.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Ashford University (online)[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”When intimacy feels like an obligation—red flag” tab_id=”1497277225351-7b020782-2f46″][vc_column_text]

When intimacy feels like an obligation—red flag

“I have a friend who felt obligated to comply with his sexual demands because they were dating. We had to pull her out of the situation ourselves.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Collin College, Texas

“My boyfriend when I was younger had a bad temper and would hit walls or do really mean things. He was also fairly forceful in bed and made me feel guilty when I said no.”
—Second-year graduate student, University of Washington

“It is really frustrating to feel obligated to have sex with someone you love. When I am overwhelmed with tasks, my significant other does not recognize the hints I give him to back off. He had the audacity to act upset after I firmly said no, I would not interrupt my work to satisfy his urges. Later, after telling him I needed to sleep because I needed to be up in four hours, I finally just gave in. I love him, but it never feels good to be coerced into sex.”
—First-year student, Des Moines Area Community College, Iowa[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Intimacy is not about pressure or proof” tab_id=”1497277226099-2c082d67-6b49″][vc_column_text]

Intimacy is not about pressure or proof

“We broke up over the course of a year, and we still had sex sometimes, as if we were still together. It was assumed that I was always comfortable with it, since they were the one wavering in our relationship and I was not. I wasn’t all right with it, though. I did want it to work out eventually, and felt that meant maintaining intimacy through everything.”
—Third-year undergraduate, University of Victoria, British Columbia

“When I was married, my husband made it clear that if he wanted it and I didn’t, his desire would rule, because it was my duty to meet his needs and any lack of desire was my problem. I quickly learned to dread sex. Now that we are divorced, I’m worried that I will continue to view it as a negative experience.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Metropolitan State University of Denver, Colorado[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Trauma can be long-term—and support is available” tab_id=”1497277226835-ae0c011f-745e”][vc_column_text]

Trauma can be long-term—and support is available

“My first relationship was when I was 14 years old. The boy was such a charmer and no one knew what was going on. The first three months he was sweet as can be, but then he changed. He said the reason our relationship was bad was because I wouldn’t have sex with him. He did some sexual things against my will that are too painful to go into detail about. Because of him, I believed I was stupid, unlovable, and ugly.

“One day he said that he was unhappy and it was my job to make him happy. So I said we were through. I lost friends because he said I lied and cried rape. I was bullied on social media. I have PTSD from the abuse. This past year I feel into a deep dark place. I wanted to kill myself. I realized I had been running from the pain and never dealt with it. I am on medicine now, and working with someone on my anxiety, PTSD, and depression. Everyday is a battle that I slowly am winning. I refuse to let the butthead continue hurting me. Those sexual assault videos always like to quote that ‘1 in 4’ statistic; what many don’t realize is for me that isn’t just a statistic, it’s my life.”
—Second-year graduate student, California State University, Stanislaus[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Keep going and seek help—happiness is possible” tab_id=”1497277227945-4650bb50-4ae4″][vc_column_text]

Keep going and seek help—happiness is possible

“My first husband beat and raped me and went to prison for it. I got addicted to opiates shortly after and lost my home. It took me years to come to terms with it. The most helpful thing was my comfort animal.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, Portland State University, Oregon

“I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. My sight was thwarted because I was in love; it was very confusing. I knew something was not right but couldn’t place my finger on it. After this relationship, my subsequent relationships were unbalanced. I had lost the potential for innocence and trust. It was not until the birth of my now year-old daughter, and extensive therapy, that I have achieved a harmonious relationship. I am ecstatic!”
—Second-year undergraduate, Berea College, Kentucky

In a recent survey by SH101, most stories of relationship abuse were reported by female students describing heterosexual relationships. This is the most common abuse dynamic, research shows. That said, relationship abuse can happen to anyone. This slideshow includes comments from students of varying genders and sexualities.[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_pageable][vc_column_text]The frequency and health impact of sexual assault by partners
Abuse of all types can affect people in relationships of any sexual orientation or gender-identity. The research on sexual assault and coercion within relationships is limited. Existing studies focus primarily on women experiencing abuse in heterosexual relationships.

• Sexual assault and coercion in relationships is not rare: In several studies of women who had been married or cohabiting, 8 to 23 percent reported having been sexually assaulted by an intimate partner, according to a 2003 review in Trauma, Violence, & Abuse. The study definitions of intimate partner and sexual assault varied.
• Sexual violence may be relatively common in young people’s relationships: In a UK study involving teens, 31 percent of girls and 16 percent of boys reported some form of sexual coercion or assault (NSPCC, 2009).
• Physical and sexual violence may go together: Many abusive relationships that involve physical violence involve sexual violence too, research shows (Department of Justice, 2005). Within relationships, the mental and physical health impact of sexual assault can be worse than the harms caused by physical violence, according to the same study. Sexual assaults by partners are more likely to cause physical injury than sexual assaults by strangers or acquaintances are (Partner Abuse, 2012).
• Sexual assault by partners can cause serious physical and emotional harm: Women who have been sexually assaulted within relationships had more post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms, more pregnancies resulting from rape, more sexually transmitted infections, and more suicide attempts, compared to women who had been physically but not sexually assaulted by partners, according to the 2005 study for the Department of Justice.
• Sexual assault by partners is a risk factor for drug use: In the 2005 study, 27 percent of the women began or increased their use of nicotine, alcohol, or illicit drugs (usually cocaine) after they were sexually assaulted by an intimate partner.
• The sexual assault risk can vary according to circumstances: Women who are disabled, pregnant, or attempting to leave their abusers are at greatest risk for intimate partner rape, says the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse.

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