Want to help protect against sexual assault? Make respect the norm
Reading Time: 7 minutes Hereâs what can you do to foster a more positive and respectful campus culture.
Reading Time: 7 minutes Hereâs what can you do to foster a more positive and respectful campus culture.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Sometimes you can tell in your gut if your relationship is going well. But other times, itâs not so easy to figure out.
Whether your life in your shared space is smooth and easy, filled with an occasional bit of trouble, or a near-daily battle of âthis is not really happening,â we could all benefit from some tips on how to make (and keep) the peace with the people we live with. If you fall into that last category, youâre not alone. About half of all first-year college students struggle with roommate issues frequently or occasionally, according to 2009 research from the Higher Education Research Institute at the University of California, Los Angeles. And thatâs significantâa stressful home situation can affect you in real ways.
How you feel: Your connection with your roommate helps shape your mental well-being and your ability to adjust at college, according to research published in 2014 in Journal of Student Affairs Research and Practice. College students who reported frequent roommate issues had higher stress levels than those who peacefully shared their spaces, according to a 2005 study in the Journal of American College Health. Thereâs also data showing that poor relationship dynamics can trigger an uptick in anxiety and depression, says Dr. Amy Canevello, an assistant professor at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte and a researcher on roommate relationships.
Some of the most common complaints among roommates are things weâve all had to deal with at some point. OK, theyâre also probably things we have all done at some point, including shirking basic responsibilities (like cleaning those crusty coffee mugs), snagging snacks, and showing a lack of respect for the space and the other person in it (like that time your girlfriend moved in for three weeks). Sound familiar?
So, rather than brushing things under the (unswept) rug, how can you set things up so you both feel comfortable bringing up whatâs bugging you?[/vc_column_text][vc_column_text][/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]
Yes, there is a right way. It includes making and sticking with a plan from day one. Hereâs how:[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”1. Get together to discuss the details” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]âResearch in many contexts tells us that people will be more likely to abide by rules that they themselves develop,â says Dr. Linda Stamato, co-director of the Center for Negotiation and Conflict Resolution at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey. So get together and develop them. Make sure everyone chimes in on what they want for the space and agrees on the details, including what happens when rules turn into loose suggestions. Because they will.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”2. Put it on paper…or Google drive” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Living on campus? Your school might require that you sign a roommate agreement. Living in an apartment off campus? Yeah, youâre not off the hook either. Donât shrug off the details here. Be clear about your expectations from the get-go. âYou may think itâs obvious to clean a dish after you use it, and someone else may not. They may think itâs normal to leave a pile of dirty clothes in the corner, and someone else may find that disgusting. We are all human, so we probably will fall short on a few things once in a while, but itâs good to know that there is a standard set by each of you [that] can keep you accountable,â says Daniella C., a third-year graduate student at Emory University in Georgia and a former resident advisor.
[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”3. Commit to communicate” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Real talk: If you can figure out how to break down the awkward and talk about the stuff that bugs you early on, youâre setting yourself up for a roommate situation that works. Struggle with speaking up? Try jotting it down. âIt could be helpful to make a list of your concerns that can be shared with a roommate,â says Dr. Michelle Jefferson, campus dean of students at Douglass Residential College at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey. Just be sure to have a plan for dealing with the concerns in person once theyâve been brought up.You nailed down the details, made the agreement, spoke up when things were on your mindâand thereâs still a problem. Weâve all been there. So now what?
First, bring it up as quickly as possible. If you donât talk about it, your frustration will fester, and thatâs a loss for everyone. Here are some ways to approach it:[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Keep blame out of it” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Launching into a gripe session about everything your roommate has ever done wrong means theyâll probably tune you out ASAP. Youâll do better by framing a problem as something to solve togetherâstart off by introducing the issue using âIâ statements. When you start talking solutions, use âweâ rather than âyou.â Feeling that everyone is responsible for improving the relationship can help all of you be more responsive, Dr. Canevello says.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Listen better” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]It seems so much easier than it actually is. Active listening means concentrating on and processing what someone is saying without simultaneously prepping your comeback. Take time to understand their words rather than blurting out the response that you spent the last five minutes crafting, Dr. Canevello says. And remember that most of us have good intentions. Just because your roommate is falling short on dish duty doesnât mean theyâre trying to intentionally set you off. Weâre all doing the best we can, and it helps to keep that in mind when you hear them out.
[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Aim to understand” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]We overestimate our own contributions to keeping our living space clean (and peaceful) and simultaneously underestimate what our roommates do, according to behavioral economist Dr. Dan Ariely. And that can lead to some not-so-good feelings about the people youâre living with. Dr. Ariely explains that because weâre intimately familiar with the details of our own tasks (think about the smell of the moldy cheese you pulled out of the refrigerator drawer), we minimize the things that others do. And then we resent them for it. âThe particulars of our own chores are clear to us, but we tend to view our partnersâ labors only in terms of the outcomes. We discount their contributions because we understand them only superficially,â Dr. Ariely told the Wall Street Journal.How can you fix it? Either change up your chores every now and then so you get acquainted with the details of their tasks or simply ask your roommates to share the gruesome details of their choresâstep-by-step. Once you hear all about it, you may view them in a whole new light.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Come at it with compassion” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]OK, weâre not all going to love our roommates; itâs just life. But you can make a conscious choice to care about their well-beingâand that can make a big difference in how you interact. âIt changes how you construe problems and how you approach them,â Dr. Canevello says.
Roommates who had âcompassionate goals,â or goals related to othersâ well-being and happiness, were less stressedâand they gave and received greater supportâthan those whose goals focused on themselves, according to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2010).
Sometimes you just canât solve this stuff on your own, and thatâs where your RAs, counselors, staff, faculty, and others on your team come in. Reach out to them; theyâre there for you, and they know how to help. Hereâs what that might look like:[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”A third-party mediation situation” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]This could be an RA, a fellow student, a staff member, your dog. (Probably not that last one, though.) An unbiased third party can listen to problems and help construct resolutions. âUsing mediators allows students to surface issues that they may be uncomfortable talking about directly with the person(s) with whom they are in conflict,â Stamato says.
âRoommate issues were one of the most common issues I dealt with while I was an RA,â says Samantha E., a fourth-year student at the University of North Dakota. âAlmost all of my residents who ever came to me about these types of issues were able to resolve them and form a better relationship by talking it out.â
[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Revisit your roommate contract” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Remember that? Surpriseâitâs actually helpful. If yours included things such as watch Game of Thrones every night while devouring pizza, you might want to make some changes to address the stuff that keeps coming up. Talk to your RA, other staff members, or another third-party mediator about how to make it work this time around, and agree to reference it if issues come up in the future.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Know when itâs time to bow out” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Sometimes, a living situation just canât be resolved, and you need to find new accommodations. Live on campus? Talk to your RA or resident life office about how to amicably make the switch so that everyone can live happily ever afterâjust not together. Live elsewhere? Read through the terms of your lease and the consequences of breaking it. You may be able to sublet your room or pay a nominal fee, both of which can be a worthy exchange for peace of mind.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] [school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,counselingservices, studentsucess, studentsucess, helpdesk’] Get help or find out moreRoommate basics: Saint Louis University
How to be a good roommate: University of Missouri
4 ways to solve roommate conflict: The Ohio State University
How much do you know about being a good roommate?: My Room Solution
Amy Canevello, PhD, assistant professor, department of psychological sciences, University of North Carolina at Charlotte.
Michelle Jefferson, PhD, campus dean of students, Douglass Residential College, Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey.
Linda Stamato, PhD, co-director, the Center for Negotiation and Conflict Resolution, Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey.
American College Health Association. (2016). American College Health AssociationâNational College Health Assessment II: Reference Group Executive Summary, Spring 2016. Hanover, MD: American College Health Association.
Ariely, D. (2017, April 12). When chores go unappreciated. Wall Street Journal. Retrieved from https://www.wsj.com/articles/when-chores-go-unappreciated-1492017015
Crocker, J., Canevello, A., & Breines, J. G. (2010). Interpersonal goals and change in anxiety and dysphoria in first-semester college students. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(6), 1009â1024. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/44642305_Interpersonal_Goals_and_Change_in_Anxiety_and_Dysphoria_in_First-Semester_College_Students
Dusselier, L., Dunn, B., Wang, Y., Shelley, M. C., et al. (2005). Personal, health, academic, and environmental predictors of stress for residence hall students. Journal of American College Health, 54(1), 15â24.
Erb, S. E., Renshaw, K. D., Short, J. L., & Pollard, J. W. (2014). The importance of college roommate relationships: A review and systematic conceptualization. Journal of Student Affairs Research and Practice, 51(1), 43â55. Retrieved from https://mason.gmu.edu/~jshort/Erb%20Roommate%20Relationships.pdf
Ruiz, S., Sharkness, J., Kelly, K., DeAngelo, L., et al. (2010). Findings from the 2009 administration of the Your First College Year (YFYC): National aggregates. Higher Education Research Institute, Graduate School of Education and Information Studies, University of California, Los Angeles. Retrieved from https://www.heri.ucla.edu/PDFs/pubs/Reports/YFCY2009Final_January.pdf
University of Missouri. (n.d.). How to be a good roommate. Retrieved from https://reslife.missouri.edu/roommate
Washington College. (n.d.). Roommate conflict tools. Retrieved from https://www.washcoll.edu/offices/residential-life/roommate-conflict-tools.php
How can you respond if you or a friend is harassed online? How can you make sure your own online presence is positive? The prevalence of trolling, roasting, stalking, and other forms of harassment gives us all opportunities to intervene. Online behavior is contagious, studies show. We are all well positioned to model respectful behavior on social networks, influence a comment thread thatâs veering toward abuse, and help build more positive online spaces in which everyone can participate freely. Leaders in the tech industry have our backs on this as they work to make online spaces more accommodating for all. For six steps to keeping the cyber-peace, see below. For resources and tools, see Get help or find out more. For guidance on how to argue constructively online and off, see Tame the tension: Science-backed ways to talk it out in this issue.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”” collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Is this harassment? What it looks like and how to know” tab_id=”1501702782877-15431f5c-f54f”][vc_column_text]Online harassment includes one-time incidents as well as cases of cyberbullying that unfold over months or years. It includes attacks based on race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, religion, appearance, and more. Severe harassment online has been linked to notorious controversies, such as âGamerGate,â when harassers targeted women in the video game industry. In a polarized political environment that has seen documented increases in hate crimes, online harassment has made for alarming headlines, as when the writer Milo Yiannopoulos was banned from Twitter for inciting racist abuse.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Online harassment takes various forms:” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23000000″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]
Quiz:Â Is it cyberbullying? (Affordable Colleges Online)[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Who is commonly harassed online?” tab_id=”1501702783048-d6ece98f-4712″][vc_column_text]Some communities are targeted by cyberbullying more frequently than others. Young people, women, and LGBT youth report especially high rates of harassment online. Hereâs what that looks like:
In the online environment, we can choose to be anonymous, a factor that lowers the behavioral bar. That can make it easier for even those of us who are generally well- intentioned to dish out sarcasm or insults, and disconnect from othersâ feelings. In our survey, many students acknowledged that theyâd done this and regretted it.
The research paints a predictably unflattering picture of some habitual online harassers. Perpetrators may be motivated by the following:
The majority of our online presence is communal. Every contribution we make adds to the overall tone of the online space. Kindness is contagious. By engaging respectfully with others, you reinforce the expectation that others do the same.
Disagreeing with a friendâs opinion or disputing someoneâs argument is all well and goodâdepending on how we go about it. For a guide to constructive arguing and how to influence someoneâs opinion, see Tame the tension: Science-backed ways to talk it out in this issue of SH101.
If you hear that you have hurt someone, apologize. Communicating digitally can sometimes obscure the very real three-dimensional people who are reading and hearing our words. Itâs important to remember that, even in the midst of heated or highly charged conversations. If the platform allows you to delete, retract, or qualify a contentious comment, do so.
If you donât know why what you said was hurtful, you can ask for clarification. To the best of your ability, do so with respect and compassion. You could say something like, âIâm sorry that I upset you with my comment. Could you tell me why that word is hurtful? I want to be sure I donât make the same mistake again.â
Resist calling people out personally with inflammatory and divisive terms. If you think a comment has racist or sexist implications, try assuming those were unintentional and pointing them out gently. By the same token, if you see yourself as a fair person and someone says that your comment was discriminatory, try to resist getting defensive. We are all coming from our own complex places. If youâve asked for clarification and didnât get it, reiterate that your intention was positive, and let it go.
Platforms and sites rely on their users to report abusive or disrespectful behavior that violates community standards. You can help create a safer environment by reporting harassment and abuse when you see or experience it.
If youâre the administrator or moderator of an online group, forum, or list, take initiative to set the tone for positive, respectful interactions. You can do so by:
In recent years, the tech industry has been taking a more active approach to preventing and addressing cyberbullying and harassment. There are several great initiatives you can learn from and support, including:
Facebookâs Bullying Prevention Hub
This online resource, developed in partnership with the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, offers information on and strategies for addressing cyberbullying. It includes detailed and practical conversation starters and step-by-step plans for students, parents, and educators looking to address a bullying incident, whether they are speaking with the person being bullied or the person inflicting the bullying. This resource also offers concrete strategies for proactively preventing online harassment and cyberbullying.
Hack Harassment
This coalition, led by Intel, Vox Media, and Lady Gagaâs Born This Way Foundation, aims to build a more inclusive and supportive online community. You can get involved and commit to building that more inclusive and supportive online community through the Hack Harassment website. There, you can sign up to be a Campus Ambassador, host a #HackHarassment hackathon, or apply for a grant to fund your own harassment-hacking project.
People who are harassed online tend to turn to trusted friends, teachers, and family members for help, according to a 2012 study in the Journal of School Violence. Receiving support, both online and off, can have a tremendously positive impact on how someone copes with and responds to online harassment. Hereâs how to go about it:
âYour goal might be to approach a friend involved in a bullying incident, but you donât know how to approach them or what to say. Or you might choose to report something that you see online that seems unsafe for one of the people involved,â says Dr. Robin Stern, associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence at Yale University, Connecticut.
You can reach out directly to the person experiencing harassment. Express your alarm at whatâs happened and ask what you can do to help. Bear in mind that responding with emojis or âlikesâ can sometimes be misleading.
If you see insults or attacks onlineâfor example, against a writer discussing sexual violenceâconsider contributing some positive words. Offering encouragement and support is a simple way to mitigate the effect of online harassment. Manners (good and bad) are contagious. Modeling civility and constructive commentary online can potentially dissuade others from trolling, according to a 2017 study by researchers at Cornell University. That saidâĶ
If you want to confront the aggressor or request an apology on behalf of the person whoâs been wronged, this is not a decision to make alone. Work with the targeted person and respect their wishes about how to proceed. They might prefer to not confront the aggressor, or to report the issue to the relevant site directly. Except for situations of acute danger, do not take action on their behalf if you have not been asked to do so.
âIt is important to reflect on your own feelings before talking with someone affected by a bullying incident because you want to make sure that you are in a place where you can have that conversation,â says Dr. Stern. âIf you yourself are emotionally activated, which is understandable and may well be the case, then you wonât be able to have that conversation from a place of calm. If you lower your own emotional activation, you are going to be able to more effectively help the person in the interaction regulate their own emotions.â
âIt is important to talk it through with someone you trust and who you believe is wise about this sort of thing. You might turn to a trusted peer or RA or dean who can help you think about how to approach the incident, depending on your goal,â says Dr. Stern. Tell someone you trust and who is in a position to help. Alternatively, you might report the incident to the site or platform, group administrator, or moderator. If someone is being harmed, about to be harmed, or threatening harm, take that seriously and get help immediately.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”” collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Is this harassment? What it looks like and how to know” tab_id=”1501703774364-60ace7e4-0c2c”][vc_column_text]Most online platforms give you tools to curate what content you see and with whom you interact online. Explore the options available to you and decide what you share online and who can see it. These approaches can help:[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Take advantage of customization tools” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23000000″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Online platforms frequently give you control over the level of connection you want to have with someone. You can choose to block content or people whose content you donât want to see. On some platforms, this decision can be separate from whether you remain friends with those users (e.g., on Facebook you can unfollow a personâs posts without unfriending the person).[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Pick your friends” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23000000″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]There is a lot to be said for trying to work through differences with people who hold varying opinions and making sure weâre exposed to viewpoints that are not the same as ours. However, if you are experiencing harassment from a user online, especially someone you donât know or donât have a strong relationship with off-line, you can choose to prevent that user from contacting you.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Protect your privacy” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23000000″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Review your privacy settings on all social media. You have control over who sees your posts and what online activity is viewable to others.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Consider making online magic” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23000000″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Several free software options and plugins allow you to make more customized and creative choices about what you see online. For example, Sweary mary is a Chrome Extension that replaces swear words with witty alternatives.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Be aware that not all sites are created equal” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23000000″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Some platforms do a better job than others of giving their users the tools and support they need to have a safe and fulfilling online experience. As an informed user, you can decide which sites you want to trust with your time and information, and which youâd rather pass on.[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]
Infographic guide to cyberbullying: Affordable Colleges Online
How to advocate on campus: Hollaback!
Why we troll: The Conversation
Info and tools for resisting cyberbullying: Hack Harassment
Safety guides to online platforms and self-care: Hollaback!
Policies and resources: Bullying Prevention Hub/Facebook
Exploration of free speech online: Family Online Safety Institute
Robin Stern, PhD, associate director, Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, Yale University, Connecticut.
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