“A gradual better”: One student’s story of dealing with suicidal thoughts
Reading Time: 7 minutes Learn the warning signs and what you can say or do if someone you know is considering suicide.
Reading Time: 7 minutes Learn the warning signs and what you can say or do if someone you know is considering suicide.
âMy boyfriend refused to listen to my explicit âNosâ or even âIt hurts,ââ wrote an undergraduate in New Hampshire. âAt the time, I didnât realize it was considered sexual assault. I thought that because we were dating, that wasnât a thing.â
When sexual assault or coercion happens within the context of a relationship, it is still sexual assault or coercion. Most likely it isnât an isolated incident but instead part of a pattern of abusive behaviors. âAfter I broke up with him, I started to realize how abusive the relationship was and how badly it impacted my self-esteem and grades,â the student said (in a recent survey by SH101). âIt took a long time for me to realize that this problem did not have to define my time in college.â
Sexual assault or coercion within relationships is only one category of abusive relationship behavior. It is common for abuse to be entirely or largely emotional, not physical. That said, studies suggest that sexual violence by partners is not rare. Like all unmistakable signs of abuse, it tends to happen out of sight. We are more likely to witness the âsmall thingsââincidents of disrespectful or belittling behavior by one partner to another. These may signal that abuse is happening, or will happen in future.
Most of the steps for supporting a friend are actions that people appreciate whether or not they are experiencing abuse. Being an active bystander is about the things we do every day to look out for our friends and communities. In short: Know the warning signs of relationship abuse, and if youâre not sure, check in anyway.
Why does this matter so much? Unconditional support via social networks is vital to coping with relationship abuse, research shows. Supportive friends may be especially important for people of color, who tend to receive less backup than white women (Womenâs Studies International Forum, 2004).
Research has traditionally focused on abuse experienced by women in heterosexual relationships. Male and LBGTQ survivors have been overlooked until relatively recently. Men and women may experience emotional abuse at similar rates, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2014). âAnyone can be in an abusive relationship: female/male, gay/straight, any ethnic or cultural background, any physical size, ability, or strength,â says Dr. Rachel Pain, a professor of human geography at Durham University in the UK, who studies relationship abuse. âWe all have a strong tendency to think it would never happen to us, but abusive partners are not abusive when we meet them.â
You donât have to be sure that this is abuse, but itâs helpful to know the signs. Abusive behaviors form a pattern of control, disrespect, and emotional manipulation. Click for info and examples.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Social manipulation and surveilance” tab_id=”1497276299453-ee3216f2-c859″][vc_column_text]Isolating the other person from friends and family
In a healthy relationship, each person talks to and communicates with their friends as theyâd like. Abusive behaviors include preventing a partner from spending time alone with friends or family, or constantly calling or texting to keep tabs on a partner. âIf he starts to notice that your family and friends are concerned about your relationship, he may be looking to keep you away from them,â says Dana Cuomo, coordinator of victim advocacy services at the University of Washington. (Because of this dynamic, donât give up on your friend if they stop calling youâbe there for them and stay supportive.)
Checking the other personâs phone, email, or social media without permission (or pressuring them for access)
In a relationship, each partner is entitled to privacy. Violating that privacy is a major warning sign.
Intruding on another personâs private communications may also be a means of changing or influencing their decisions and opportunities. âMaybe you get a job interview, but your partner deletes the email so that you never know about it,â says Casey Corcoran, a program director of Futures Without Violence, an advocacy organization working to end violence against women and children.
Red flags include:
Using social status or peer pressure to manipulate the other person
Abusive partners may use the threat of social pressure, gossip, or lies to manipulate their partners. Often, theyâll also claim to be the authority on how men or women, or romantic or sexual partners, are supposed to behave. This is a way of justifying their own behaviors or condemning their partnerâs.
Leveraging their power as âgatekeeperâ to a social community
Some partners provide an important link to a social community (e.g., a group of friends, a club or organization based around a shared interest or identity, or an academic or professional group). Abusive partners may try and use that community link as a way to pressure their partner to stay in the relationship. Abusers may similarly use financial resources or pressure to control their partner.
Example  âIf a partner whoâs abusive is someoneâs main link to an LGBTQ community, or maybe was that personâs first same-gender partner, that relationship can be very much tied up in their sexual identity,â says Gabe Murchison, senior research manager at the Human Rights Campaign, an LGBTQ advocacy organization. âThey may be especially afraid to end that relationship, and they may feel theyâll lose a concrete part of their LGBTQ identity by ending it.â[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Emotional manipulation” tab_id=”1497276299495-93dbede2-0759″][vc_column_text]Making belittling comments and put-downs
Calling a partner names, making them feel small or ashamed, or humiliating them are common warning signs. No one should use shame to control their partner.
Getting angry suddenly
âThis can be a sign of a bigger issue, especially if your partner becomes physically or emotionally abusive when they âlose it,ââ says Corcoran.
Example  You canât ever be sure youâre saying the right thing. It seems like anything might set your partner off. âYou may feel as though you are on a roller coaster all the time,â says Corcoran. âOne minute everything is fine, and the next heâs yelling.â In these cases, you feel like you canât relax because you donât know what to expect.
Being possessive and jealous
Warning signs include suddenly becoming jealous or angry, or making false accusations of infidelity.
Example  Youâre at the bar and run into someone youâve been intimate with before. When your partner finds out, they get very upset. âThis happens when the abuser sees you as their property,â says Cuomo. âIt is part of the pattern of power and control in abusive relationships in which you arenât allowed to make choices about your own life.â
Those choices may include what you wear. They may be thinking that âif youâre wearing something sexy or flirty, youâll draw the attention of another person, and that will be your fault,â says Cuomo. âIt is very manipulative because it isnât your fault at all; itâs because they donât trust you not to act on another personâs advances.â
Making over-the-top gestures
Expensive gifts at the beginning of a relationship, or a rush to spend a ton of time together, can be red flags. Overcompensating is a distraction tacticâmaybe she doesnât want you looking too closely at other aspects of the relationshipâand can also be used as leverage.
Extravagant gestures can also be part of the pattern of abuse and making up, which is common in abusive relationships. For example, âHe might get so angry that he hits you during a fight. Then later he brings you a bouquet of flowers,â says Corcoran.
These episodes of kindness and hope can position the targeted person to deny the fear and anger that they feel toward the abuser, research indicates (Feminism & Psychology, 2011). âThis is the time when the abuser tries to regain control,â says Cuomo. âThe cycle has three stages: The tension builds, it turns into a fight, and then they apologize and say theyâll never do it again.â
Engaging in âgaslightingâ
âGaslightingâ (the term references a 1938 play) is when an abusive partner manipulates the other by trying to make them doubt their own reality, experiences, and emotional health. The abusive partner might say, âItâs in your head,â or âIt didnât happen like that.â They may trivialize their partnerâs emotions or pretend not to understand what they are talking about.[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Physical or sexual pressure or violence” tab_id=”1497276367713-3923c413-7b01″][vc_column_text]Using physical violence, the threat of violence, or fear
This can mean anything from destroying possessionsâphones, glasses, tables, or other propertyâto physically harming a partner. Sometimes violence will be used or threatened in connection to sex. Some abusers threaten self-harm as a kind of manipulation.
Making someone nervous or uncomfortable can be a deliberate power tactic. âIn unhealthy relationships, your partner does things that are meant to make you fearful,â says Corcoran.
Example  Thereâs no excuse for driving recklessly, especially with someone else in the car. If itâs intended to frighten the other person, this is abusive.
Pressuring or forcing sex
This includes sexual pressure, coercion, or force. It is common in physically abusive relationships, research shows. For example, in a 2005 study, two out of three women whoâd been physically assaulted by a partner had also been sexually assaulted or coerced by that partner (Department of Justice).
Red flags include:
Example  âWhen your partner doesnât respect your decisions around sex, she may try to manipulate or blame you,â says Corcoran. âWhy do we need to use a condom? Is it because you are sleeping with someone else?â[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]
People experiencing abusive encounters and relationships tend to tell a friend, studies show. If you are that friend, you can make a difference. If you are experiencing abuse, these steps can help outline what seeking support may look like.
1 Â Be there and listen
This sounds simple, and it goes a long way. Abusive relationships often function by isolating the abused person from their support network, especially friends and family. Being present for your friend can be powerful in and of itself, counteracting the isolation they experience.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”What to know about listening” tab_id=”1497276613089-d76974d4-c05b”][vc_column_text]When people reach out for support, itâs usually to a friend. For example, in a small study of college women who had experienced unwanted sexual contact, three out of four had disclosed the assault or abuseâthe vast majority to a friend, according to Feminism & Psychology (2012).
Listening has many benefits. In a classic study of abuse survivors, people said they had valued the opportunity to talk and vent about their experiences, to receive comfort and emotional support, and to observe their friendsâ anger toward abusers (Feminism & Psychology, 1993).
Be aware of factors and feelings that may make it harder for someone to disclose. Frequently, people in unhealthy relationships minimize the abuse they are experiencing (âItâs no big dealâ); this may be especially likely if the abuse does not involve extreme physical or sexual violence. Some are concerned that others wonât understand and/or may respond in unhelpful ways. Some may be held back by embarrassment or shame, or fear for their safety if they tell anyone.
Self-blame is another powerful obstacle. In a 2015 study, people who had experienced sexual violence and understood it was not their fault were more likely to disclose it than were those who blamed themselves (Violence Against Women).[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]2 Â Be open to individual experiences
Stay attuned to your friendâs needs, regardless of whether or not their relationship conforms to what youâve heard before about abuse. Be alert to common misconceptions about what abusive relationships look like and who they happen to.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Stereotype-busters to keep in mind” tab_id=”1497276685585-df489ac5-69b3″][vc_column_text]While abusive relationships have similaritiesâthe pattern of controlling behavior, for exampleâno two are the same.
Keep in mind:
How professionals moved past victim blaming
Professionalsâ understanding of relationship abuse has shifted in recent decades. âIn the mid-20th century, psychiatrists believed that only certain types of women âfell intoâ abusive relationships,â says Dr. Pain. âNow itâs widely recognized that they were mistaking the symptoms of being abused (especially the mental health effects) for factors that predisposed certain people to being abused. This was a kind of medically sanctioned victim blaming that meant hefty challenges for the womenâs movement and others trying to end relationship abuse. It also left men and LGBT victims out of the picture until relatively recently.â[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]3 Â Be clear that your friend is not to blame
Part of your role is to emphasize that the abuser is responsible for the abuse. Aggressors try to shift the blame: âI wouldnât have to shout if you listened the first timeâ; âIt wouldnât be like this if I could trust you.â Self-blame is a common and powerful obstacle to disclosing abuse and seeking help.
4 Â Show your support
Ask: âWhat can I do to help?â The answer may be something seemingly small, like having breakfast with your friend regularly or walking them to class. Maybe you can help schedule an appointment with a doctor or counselor. In any case, follow your friendâs lead on how to help. Avoid saying anything that might trivialize your friendâs experience.
5 Â Remind yourself that your friend is in charge
Abusive relationships often involve repeated violations of a personâs autonomy. It is crucial that you not replicate that dynamic when you offer help. Your friend is (and should remain in) the driverâs seat. The decision of what to do and when is theirs.
6 Â Resist advising your friend to leave the relationship
Dumping the abuser may seem like a no-brainer. But many people find this advice unhelpful, in part because it can come across as victim blaming. Consider asking for guidance: âIâm not here to tell you to leave. That said, if you ever want to leave, Iâll support you. Iâll have your back, whatever your decision.â[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Why leaving can be so difficult” tab_id=”1497276789340-dce4a058-c521″][vc_column_text]It may seem baffling that someone does not immediately walk away from an abusive relationship. Researchers have found that the dynamics of abuse, and the decision to stay or leave, are highly complicated (Behavior and Social Issues, 2005).
Peopleâs reasons for staying in abusive relationships are often rational and considered (for example, relating to safety, children, and finances), studies show. Individualsâ sense of belonging is important in deciding how to respond to abuse. For nonwhite people, the decision to leave a family or community can be especially seismic, research suggests (Womenâs Studies International Forum, 2004). Researchers now understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a process and may take multiple attempts (Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 2003).
Is it ever helpful to advise someone to leave?
Hereâs the caveat: Some people report that the advice to leave an abusive relationship was helpful. This difference appears to depend on where each individual is at, research suggests. In a 2011 study, some women who had already considered leaving or had made preparations for leaving found it helpful to be advised to leave (Feminism & Psychology). For those who had not considered leaving, the same advice was unhelpful. Check in with your friend and ask what kind of support they need.[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]
7 Â Suggest helpful resources
Suggest additional sources of support that might help your friend. These may be on campus, in the community, or online. Whatever you suggest, the decision on how to proceed belongs to your friend.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Where to start with accessing support” tab_id=”1497276882686-3e92a6a5-55e0″][vc_column_text]Researching the available support resources is a quick and practical way to help a friend. For example:
When is it OK to take the decision to seek further help out of their hands?
Only if someone is experiencing an acute threat or might harm themselves or others. In that case, talk to a campus counselor, the campus safety office, or Title IX staff.[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]8 Â Seek out support for yourself too
Supporting a friend through an abusive relationship can take a toll on you. Seek support whenever you need it from friends, family, mentors, or professionals. Relationship abuse hotlines are for you too (see Find out more today). Respect your friendâs privacy throughout.
You may have noticed similarities between abusive relationships and abuse or misconduct in other contexts. You can likely tell when someone is experiencing pressure, disrespect, or unwanted attention. This makes your job as an active bystander that much easier.
What to do when youâre not sure this is abuseâand why their relationship is your business
Recognizing troubling dynamics within established relationships is not much different from recognizing such dynamics elsewhere. Whether the interaction involves a couple, acquaintances, or strangers, you can likely tell when someone is experiencing pressure, disrespect, or unwanted attention.
What if Iâm not sure this is abuse?
You might be thinking of a friend whose relationship is not entirely respectful or fulfilling. Low-level disregard and disrespect are not the same as a pattern of controlling behaviors. Still, we should be wary. Everyone deserves to have their boundaries and desires respected. As a good friend, you would still be concerned for your friend, their well-being, and their happiness. These skills and strategiesâlistening, being present, showing supportâare still useful in these contexts.
And what if itâs actually abusive?
The negative consequences of relationship abuse are far-reaching, both for individuals, communities, and society. These examples may surprise you:
Mass shootings
âMany high-profile mass shooters are also domestic abusers, and most âmass shootingsâ are actually domestic violence incidents,â reported Vox, following the shooting at Fort Lauderdale airport in January. Researchers are exploring the parallels between relationship abuse and acts of terror. âWhile the two forms of violence are different in important ways, they are similar in the way that they work: largely, through fear,â says Dr. Rachel Pain, who co-directs the Centre for Social Justice and Community Action at Durham University, UK. âThe physical incidents of violence are only part of the story; the threat of violence is used to exert control. And the fear that createsâeither for the individual, children, or for a wider communityâis one of the most important effects.â
Economic impact
Relationship abuse accounts for enormous costs in healthcare services, lost productivity, missed work, homelessness, and the ripple effects of intergenerational trauma (the impact on children and teens who are exposed to relationship abuse in their families). In the US, the cost of relationship abuse exceeded $5.8 billion a year, in a 2003 study for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_pageable no_fill_content_area=”1″ active_section=”1″ pagination_color=”black” tab_position=”top” title=”Students share: What we learned about relationship abuse” css=”.vc_custom_1497278014814{padding: 20px !important;background-color: #e8e8e8 !important;}”][vc_tta_section title=”Hereâs why social support matters” tab_id=”1497277220059-d9c77296-9bcd”][vc_column_text]Hereâs why social support matters
âMuch of what he did was very subtle, but he also said things that were flattering but aimed to control me (âWe should get married;â âWe love each other so condoms arenât necessary, besides I havenât used one in yearsâ). After I got away, he stalked me via phone and email for two years. To this day, when I see someone who looks like him I tense up.
âPeople in my community said I was making the whole thing up. That was the hardest thing in the world. They invited him to come into spaces where I normally would be, so I had to always be on guard. It might not be the most dramatic story, but it lingers. There are people who I donât speak to because of how they dealt with those issues. There are places I still donât feel comfortable because I associate them with that time in my life.â
âGraduate student, Canadian university[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Talking to someone is huge” tab_id=”1497277220184-487c451d-c5dc”][vc_column_text]
Talking to someone is huge
âIt isnât your fault. It can happen to anyone. It happened to me. It helps to talk to someone you trust when it first happens. I wish I had.â
âFourth-year student, Ashford University (online)
âVictims of trauma and abuse have a tendency to blame themselves and downplay their experience because someone had it worse. It is important to realize that your pain and anger are valid.â
âThird-year undergraduate, Kwantlen Polytechnic University, British Columbia
âBeing a friend to someone, especially a victim, is the best thing one can do. Knowing when to take a step back, when to ask for help from someone more experienced, and finding the proper resources is the best way to help someone. There is always someone who can help.â
âSecond-year undergraduate, Suffolk University, Massachusetts
âDonât be ashamed to report the abuse and be vocal. Your voice establishes othersâ rights.â
âThird-year graduate student, University of Windsor, Ontario[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Quality partners value mutual enthusiastic consent” tab_id=”1497277222542-811a8fe7-2751″][vc_column_text]
Quality partners value mutual enthusiastic consent
âSome days I think I was sexually abused in my last relationship. I felt that he knew I didnât want to but went ahead anyway, knowing I wouldnât speak up or call him out on it. Other days I just think Iâm over-thinking it. Iâve never spoken out about it because Iâm not sure if it was my fault.â
âSecond-year undergraduate, Florida International University
âA previous sexual encounter with someone is not an all-access pass which excuses forceful or threatening behavior.â
âFirst-year graduate student, Ashford University (online)
âOut of my 5+ relationships there have only been two partners that completely respected my boundaries and asked for consent.â
âFourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Recognizing abusive behaviors can be a process” tab_id=”1497277223629-cec5b4a8-4e54″][vc_column_text]
Recognizing abusive behaviors can be a process
âAbout two months into the relationship, I was beginning to notice how controlling and emotionally manipulative he was. I was drinking at his house with him and some friends. After I drank too much, he became angry. He wanted to have sex with me. I told him I felt sick, saying over and over again that I did not want to. He got on top of me anyway and I was too intoxicated to push him off. I stayed with him for six more months. There were several instances of him pushing me to do things and have sex with him. I regret that I pretended that what he did was OK. I have learned to never stay silent about sexual abuse and assault.â
âSecond-year undergraduate, University of Central Arkansas
âLooking back on it, what my ex-boyfriend was doing was more subtle than coercion. He was very manipulative and I fell into the trap of wanting to please him all the time, which led to thinking I wanted to have sex with him, but after, I felt really icky. My subconscious was telling me to leave and that I didnât want to have sex with him, but I ignored it. I donât like thinking about it. I would tell anyone to listen to those thoughts and free yourself. Itâs OK if you let down the other person. You have to protect yourself.â
âFourth-year undergraduate, University of California, San Diego[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Ending an abusive relationship can be a process, too” tab_id=”1497277224472-dbe67b6b-4628″][vc_column_text]
Ending an abusive relationship can be a process, too
âI told the guy that I felt awful. Rather than comfort me [when I was sick], he took my hand and put it on his penis. I told him that was ridiculous and made it clear I did not want him to come to [my campus apartment] any more. He called me a bitch and told me I was making everything about myself. It took him weeks to understand I had dumped him. He kept telling me to âthink about it,â as if my breaking up with him was not real. I never allowed him to see me again. I donât feel bad about dumping him in a text rather than making a scene in public or risking myself in my apartment.â
âFirst-year graduate student, Kutztown University of Pennsylvania
âA boyfriend forced me to have sex with him even after I had said no. He kept insisting and I was afraid of what would happen if I didnât give in. So I just did what he wanted. It happened on a Sunday and I ended the relationship on Monday. It took months to get rid of him fully, and he still haunts my dreams now and then. I never filed charges or reported it. [I felt] no one would believe it was rape. I still feel violated, and this happened years ago.â
âSecond-year undergraduate, Ashford University (online)[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”When intimacy feels like an obligationâred flag” tab_id=”1497277225351-7b020782-2f46″][vc_column_text]
When intimacy feels like an obligationâred flag
âI have a friend who felt obligated to comply with his sexual demands because they were dating. We had to pull her out of the situation ourselves.â
âThird-year undergraduate, Collin College, Texas
âMy boyfriend when I was younger had a bad temper and would hit walls or do really mean things. He was also fairly forceful in bed and made me feel guilty when I said no.â
âSecond-year graduate student, University of Washington
âIt is really frustrating to feel obligated to have sex with someone you love. When I am overwhelmed with tasks, my significant other does not recognize the hints I give him to back off. He had the audacity to act upset after I firmly said no, I would not interrupt my work to satisfy his urges. Later, after telling him I needed to sleep because I needed to be up in four hours, I finally just gave in. I love him, but it never feels good to be coerced into sex.â
âFirst-year student, Des Moines Area Community College, Iowa[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Intimacy is not about pressure or proof” tab_id=”1497277226099-2c082d67-6b49″][vc_column_text]
Intimacy is not about pressure or proof
âWe broke up over the course of a year, and we still had sex sometimes, as if we were still together. It was assumed that I was always comfortable with it, since they were the one wavering in our relationship and I was not. I wasnât all right with it, though. I did want it to work out eventually, and felt that meant maintaining intimacy through everything.â
âThird-year undergraduate, University of Victoria, British Columbia
âWhen I was married, my husband made it clear that if he wanted it and I didnât, his desire would rule, because it was my duty to meet his needs and any lack of desire was my problem. I quickly learned to dread sex. Now that we are divorced, Iâm worried that I will continue to view it as a negative experience.â
âThird-year undergraduate, Metropolitan State University of Denver, Colorado[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Trauma can be long-termâand support is available” tab_id=”1497277226835-ae0c011f-745e”][vc_column_text]
Trauma can be long-termâand support is available
âMy first relationship was when I was 14 years old. The boy was such a charmer and no one knew what was going on. The first three months he was sweet as can be, but then he changed. He said the reason our relationship was bad was because I wouldnât have sex with him. He did some sexual things against my will that are too painful to go into detail about. Because of him, I believed I was stupid, unlovable, and ugly.
âOne day he said that he was unhappy and it was my job to make him happy. So I said we were through. I lost friends because he said I lied and cried rape. I was bullied on social media. I have PTSD from the abuse. This past year I feel into a deep dark place. I wanted to kill myself. I realized I had been running from the pain and never dealt with it. I am on medicine now, and working with someone on my anxiety, PTSD, and depression. Everyday is a battle that I slowly am winning. I refuse to let the butthead continue hurting me. Those sexual assault videos always like to quote that â1 in 4â statistic; what many donât realize is for me that isnât just a statistic, itâs my life.â
âSecond-year graduate student, California State University, Stanislaus[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”Keep going and seek helpâhappiness is possible” tab_id=”1497277227945-4650bb50-4ae4″][vc_column_text]
Keep going and seek helpâhappiness is possible
âMy first husband beat and raped me and went to prison for it. I got addicted to opiates shortly after and lost my home. It took me years to come to terms with it. The most helpful thing was my comfort animal.â
âFourth-year undergraduate, Portland State University, Oregon
âI was in an emotionally abusive relationship. My sight was thwarted because I was in love; it was very confusing. I knew something was not right but couldnât place my finger on it. After this relationship, my subsequent relationships were unbalanced. I had lost the potential for innocence and trust. It was not until the birth of my now year-old daughter, and extensive therapy, that I have achieved a harmonious relationship. I am ecstatic!â
âSecond-year undergraduate, Berea College, Kentucky
In a recent survey by SH101, most stories of relationship abuse were reported by female students describing heterosexual relationships. This is the most common abuse dynamic, research shows. That said, relationship abuse can happen to anyone. This slideshow includes comments from students of varying genders and sexualities.[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_pageable][vc_column_text]The frequency and health impact of sexual assault by partners
Abuse of all types can affect people in relationships of any sexual orientation or gender-identity. The research on sexual assault and coercion within relationships is limited. Existing studies focus primarily on women experiencing abuse in heterosexual relationships.
Trained advocates 24/7: National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Help for deaf callers: National Domestic Violence Hotline
Video phone 1-855-812-1001
TTY 1-800-787-3224
Multiple organizations and resources: WNYC
Chat, call, or text for help: Love Is Respect
Learn about dating violence: Break the Cycle
Help a friend: Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness
Campus resources & info: Red Flag Campaign
Steps for abusers: University of Oregon
Advocate against campus assault and harassment: Know Your IX
Hana Awwad and Evan Walker-Wells contributed to this article.
Casey Corcoran, program director, Futures Without Violence.
Dana Cuomo, coordinator of victim advocacy services, University of Washington.
Gabe Murchison, senior research manager, Human Rights Campaign.
Rachel Pain, PhD, professor, Department of Geography; co-director, Centre for Social Justice and Community Action; Durham University, UK.
Anderson, D. K., & Saunders, D. G. (2003). Leaving an abusive partner: An empirical review of predictors, the process of leaving, and psychological well-being. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 4(2), 163â191.
Barnett, O. W. (2000). Why battered women do not leave, part 1: External inhibiting factors within society. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 1(4), 343â372.
Barnett, O. W. (2001). Why battered women do not leave, part 2: External inhibiting factorsâsocial support and internal inhibiting factors. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 2(1), 3â35.
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