Reading Time: 8 minutesLearn what you can do if you see someone experiencing unwanted pressure or harassment. Here are key strategies for bystander intervention.

Reading Time: 9 minutesLearn strategies for practicing consent, self-empowerment, and boundary setting.

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Sexual assault remains a problem in higher ed. Among a random sample of New York undergrads, 22 percent reported experiencing at least one incident of sexual assault since entering college (PLoS ONE, 2017). Women and gender-nonconforming students reported at higher rates—28 percent and 38 percent, respectively—while 12.5 percent of college-aged males reported experiencing sexual assault. In a recent Student Health 101 poll, 63 percent of students said they were aware of sexual assaults happening among their peers.

So what can we do about it? Part of the problem is recognizing that most sexual assault doesn’t look how we might expect it to. The US Department of Justice defines sexual assault as “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” That can include:

• Forcing or coercing someone to have sex or do any sexual act
• Penetrating a person’s body with any object without their consent
• Unwanted sexual touching
• Unwanted sexual comments
• Anything that forces someone to join in unwanted sexual contact or attention

“Changing the culture around consent and communication is one of the best ways to prevent sexual assault,” says Evan Walker-Wells, a former communication and consent educator at Yale University and the cofounder of Scalawag, a magazine and website covering Southern politics and culture.

Cultural norms around sexual assault

Sexual assault among young adults is often associated with:

• Social norms that make it harder to speak up in defense of oneself or others (e.g., a double standard that judges people differently for sexual activity).
• A party culture that links alcohol with expectations of sex or hooking up.

How do we change the culture? Start with self-empowerment

Self-empowerment means identifying and learning to honor our own needs and desires. Helping students become self-empowered can help them get the sandwich the way they ordered it, help their friends and partners have their back, help them speak up when something’s not working, and help them feel confident in walking away from things when they need to. A key to satisfying relationships and interactions is being aware of and honoring our own feelings—which also helps us appreciate and honor others’ feelings.

4 ways for school staff to support self-empowerment

1. Work with students to normalize conversations about sex and sexuality

Faculty and staff can model thoughtful decision making, provide space for reflection, and introduce new ideas and norms. You can encourage dialogue, help find guest speakers, and incorporate these conversations and concepts into the classroom.

2. Encourage student leaders who are building a more positive culture

Student leaders help facilitate the environments in which their peers hang out, flirt, and sometimes hook up. By providing students with relevant training and resources on things like bystander intervention, sexual culture, and self-empowerment, you can help create an environment that’s less conducive to sexual assault and more conducive to thoughtful choices.

3. Help spread positive and diverse narratives

College plays a vital role in shaping narratives that students see and hear. You’re well positioned to introduce positive examples of self-empowerment and mindful decision making (e.g., when instructors select reading material for class).

4. Model empowerment

Students learn from their professors and school staff. Find everyday situations in which you can model polite boundary setting, make non-coercive requests, and affirm other people’s decision to say “no.”

Keep in mind that there are times when sexual pressure escalates into assault. No matter how good a person is at setting boundaries, it’s not always possible to stop that. A victim is never at fault for someone else’s choice to assault. When students learn to trust their instincts, though, it can make it easier to spot red flags early on.

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Most of us have supported friends through difficult times, such as a break-up, academic pressure, or family issues. But how do we step up and provide support when friends and loved ones experience sexual assault and other forms of sexual violence? Especially when the person who experienced the assault is male?

Social pressure and stereotypes about gender can make it particularly challenging for men who’ve been assaulted to talk about their experiences. If one of your male friends or loved ones is assaulted, it’s important that you know you’re in a position to help.

Many of the challenges men face reflect social pressure: ideas that sexual assault makes them less masculine, that women can’t assault men, or that “real men” don’t talk about or get help for painful experiences. “Some men fear that they’ll be seen as less of a man,” says Dr. Jim Hopper, a researcher, therapist, and instructor at Harvard Medical School. “If they’re heterosexual, they may fear people will doubt their sexuality. And if they’re gay or bisexual, they may blame the assault on their sexuality in a way that further stigmatizes their being gay or bisexual.”

Addressing stereotypes

A common belief is that sexual violence only affects women. In fact, many men have unwanted sexual experiences, as both children and adults. One in six men in the US is sexually assaulted before age 18, according to studies from the 1980s to the early 2000s. In 2015, seven percent of men reported being sexually assaulted while attending college, according to a study by the Washington Post and the Kaiser Family Foundation. Regardless of the targeted man’s sexual orientation, both men and women perpetrate these assaults, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (2013).

“Sex, gender identity, and race can all influence how an experience like this affects someone, but it’s very important you have no presumption about what it feels like to your friend—so listen,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in Connecticut.

Talking to your friend about what happened

Everyone is different. People’s varying personalities and circumstances affect how they respond to an unwanted sexual experience and what we can do to help. For example, some people want lots of hugs, while some prefer verbal support. The most important thing is to relate to your friend in a way that can help him feel empowered and connected. As a friend, you’re in a great position to do this.

When a friend discloses an experience of violence, it’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions, such as shock, confusion, sadness, or anger. In the moment, keep the conversation focused on your friend’s emotions, not your own.

“Many people who experience sexual violence also experience some degree of self-blame,” says Dr. Boyd. “Partially, that’s just what people do when something bad happens: We go over the events in our head, hunting for things we could have done differently. It’s a way of regaining a sense of control. In the case of sexual violence, though, survivors also have to contend with victim-blaming patterns that run through our culture. So it’s important that friends help them push back against that. Be careful not to say or ask anything that might suggest blame—and affirm for your friend that he did the best he could in a difficult, complicated situation.”

Here are four ways you can be there for your friend

As challenging an experience as a sexual assault may be, it’s not as though your friend has become an entirely different person. The “othering” of people who’ve been assaulted—treating them differently—can be just as dangerous as ignoring or minimizing unwanted sexual experiences, according to researchers Nicola Gavey and Johanna Schmidt (Violence Against Women, 2011). Avoid thinking of the assault as something that cuts your friend off from the rest of the world; in fact, it’s up to you to be supportive and counteract that.

• Because of stereotypes about gender and sexual violence, male survivors may feel particularly othered: They might worry that people won’t take their experiences seriously, or that they’ll be viewed as weak. “It took me almost two years to come to terms with it, and I still feel like the few that I told sort of wrote it off because I’m a male,” said Chris*, a second-year undergraduate at the University of Kansas. To avoid othering, you can demonstrate that you take your friend’s experience seriously by using phrases like “that wasn’t okay” or “that sounds really messed up.”
• While it’s important to give your friend opportunities to talk about his experience of violence (if he chooses to), remember to maintain the other parts of your friendship too. It may be a relief to your friend to spend some time on normal activities that he enjoys. You can try statements like, “I’m happy to talk more about this if you want, but it’s also fine if you want to take a break from processing and go for a run together.”

Make sure to listen and focus on your friend’s feelings. “Pay attention to their specific issues,” says Dr. Boyd.

• Avoid pushing your own ideas. “Allow them to talk without being interrupted, and especially don’t put any more pressure on them (e.g., telling them that you think they need the police or a therapist),” says Tom*, a third-year undergraduate at Ripon College in Wisconsin. “Ask what you can do to help.”
• Don’t try to investigate the situation. It’s not important for you to find out exactly what happened or to delve into the details beyond what your friend wants to share.
• Avoid questions that might feel blaming (e.g., “Were you drunk?” or “Did you say no?”). “Being reminded that I wasn’t the one at fault felt reassuring,” said Taylor*, a second-year undergraduate at Wake Technical Community College in North Carolina.
• Don’t speculate about what you would have done in the situation (e.g., “If someone tried to do that to me, I’d fight them off”) or project emotions onto your friend (e.g., “You must feel like a whole different person”). Let your friend lead the conversation, and respect what he’s feeling.

Try statements like…

Avoid pronouns that assume the gender of the perpetrator or that make other assumptions about the experience. “I think one of the most important issues is breaking down the stereotype that only women are abused,” said Lena*, a second-year undergraduate at Tarrant County College in Texas.

• Make clear that you’re not making presumptions about your friend’s experience based on his identity. In particular, avoid assumptions about your friend’s sexual orientation or gender identity. “Drop in phrases or words that don’t put them on the spot but that signal your openness to hearing a more complex narrative, about, for example, ‘people of all genders,’” says Dr. Boyd. “Pay attention to what’s going on for the person in front of you.”
• It’s not your role to define the experience for your friend. Some people don’t use the word “rape” or “assault” to describe what may seem to you to be sexual violence, or relate to the terms “victim” or “survivor.” “You want them to feel like you’re connecting with their experience, not trying to impose your views or language on them,” says Dr. Hopper.

“As a friend, you want to relate to them in a way that gives them power, including by giving them choices and respecting whatever choices they make on whatever timeline,” says Dr. Hopper.

• Your friend might be interested in working with the police, pursuing disciplinary action, or working with other university resources. It’s up to him to decide. While it’s not your job to steer him to the police or school administrators, providing information about his options can be a great way to help. Figure out what resources your school has, such as hotlines, therapists, heath care providers, disciplinary processes, chaplains, or survivor advocates. “Since I was assaulted, I have learned that it wasn’t my fault and that therapy does help,” said Josh*, a second-year undergraduate at the College of the Desert in California.
• Talk with your friend about what makes him feel empowered and safe. Everyone’s different, so whether your friend feels like watching TV, working out, or flirting with someone at a party, you should ask and see how you can help. Sometimes people want to spend time on their own, sometimes people want to be social. It’s not your job to judge, but to be supportive. 

Look after yourself

“Supporting someone through the healing process can be stressful, hard, and exhausting. That’s why it’s important for supports to take of themselves,” says Bella Alarcon, a bilingual clinician at the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center who facilitates a support group for partners, friends, and family of people who’ve experienced sexual violence. Paying attention to your own needs isn’t selfish. “If you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, you’re not going to be able to support the survivor,” says Alarcon.

Be mindful of your own needs, and make sure that you’re getting support.

• “It’s okay to set limits and boundaries. If you need a break, it’s okay,” says Alarcon. If you’re finding a conversation with your friend overwhelming, say so. Try language like, “I really want to be here for you, but I’m finding it hard to handle this conversation. I want to be able to support you as well as I can, and I think I can do that better if I take a break for a few minutes.”
• Reach out to university resources for support. Consider speaking to a trusted mentor, a dean, a survivor advocate, or a health professional about how you’re doing. Respect your friend’s privacy by not sharing their story with peers or classmates.
• “Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself: Take a bath, go to the gym, have a cup of tea, go out with friends, have fun, have a good cry, take a deep breath, or get your own counseling,” says Alarcon.

*Names changed

Strategies developed by the Communication and Consent Educator program at Yale University.

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Reading Time: 10 minutes[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rate this article and enter to win
Gabe Murchison is senior research manager at Human Rights Campaign, the largest LGBTQ advocacy organization in the US. He focuses on research that “helps us understand the unique challenges that LGBTQ people deal with and the resources we have for tackling them.”

Murchison has a master’s in public health from Yale University. As an undergraduate, he spent three years with Yale’s sexual violence prevention program, Communication and Consent Educators. His master’s thesis examines sexual assault risk factors affecting LGBTQ people and how to make our communities safer.

Why did you do this research?

“To prevent sexual violence, we have to understand how it happens, and while we know a bit about how sexual violence against straight, cisgender women tends to look, there’s very little research on violence against LGBTQ students. As a result, most prevention efforts are designed for straight, cisgender women. There’s very little research telling us whether they serve LGBTQ students equally or at all.

“Overall, our data suggests that LGBTQ students’ unwanted sexual experiences (coercion or assault) are similar to what we know about heterosexual, cisgender women’s. For instance, in the research we conducted, many of the perpetrators were friends, romantic partners, exes, or hookups, and coercion and alcohol incapacitation were more common tactics than physical force.

“However, students with more internalized homophobia were more likely to have experienced sexual assault and coercion, while students with a stronger sense of LGBTQ community were less likely to have had those experiences. We found that 82 percent of perpetrators were male—surprisingly, that number was similar regardless of the survivor’s gender.”[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”” collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Definitions: transgender, gender nonconforming, cisgender, & more” tab_id=”1501517848248-20319a59-2929″][vc_column_text]

This list is adapted from the Glossary of Terms published by the Human Rights Campaign. Terminology relating to gender and sexual identity is variable (e.g., a non-cisgender person may identify as transgender, gender non-conforming, non-binary, queer, or genderqueer). Always respect individuals’ preferences.

Asexual The person does not experience sexual attraction or desire for other people.

Bisexual The person is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender, or gender identity.

Cisgender A person’s gender identity aligns with the sex assigned to them at birth.

Gay The person is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to people of the same gender.

Gender identity A person’s innermost concept of self as male, female, a blend of both, or neither; how individuals perceive themselves, and what they call themselves.

Gender non-conforming The person does not behave in a way that conforms to the traditional expectations of their gender, or their gender expression does not fit neatly into a category; also termed “non-binary.”

Genderqueer The person rejects static categories of gender and embraces a fluidity of gender identity (and often, though not always, sexual orientation); may see themselves as being both male and female, neither male nor female, or outside these categories.

Homophobia The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who are attracted to those of the same sex.

Lesbian The woman is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other women.

LGBT An acronym for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender.”

Queer Fluid gender identity and/or sexual orientation; often used interchangeably with “LGBT.”

Transgender The person’s gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth; transgender people may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc.

Transphobia The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, transgender people.

Full glossary HERE 

[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”What’s the difference between transgender and gender non-conforming?” tab_id=”1501517848408-e2d2d6b7-881b”][vc_column_text]Gabe Murchison:

“I use transgender to refer to people who identify with a different gender than they were assigned at birth. I use gender non-conforming to refer to people who consistently and noticeably express themselves outside of the norms for their gender.

“Like anyone else, a transgender person could be gender-conforming or non-conforming after they transition. Some transgender men dress and act in stereotypically masculine ways, while others are more feminine than the average man, and the same is true of transgender women.

“There are also many transgender people who don’t identify exclusively as men or women, but as neither, or a combination of both. I use the umbrella term ‘non-binary’ for these identities, because they are outside of the male-female ‘gender binary.’

“Many health researchers use the umbrella term ‘gender minorities’ to describe transgender and gender non-conforming people. In the study we’re discussing, I didn’t ask participants about being gender non-conforming, so I can only talk about transgender students’ experiences.  Other research has found that LGBTQ youth who are gender non-conforming have different experiences than those who are gender-conforming—for instance, they are more likely to be bullied in school. Whether being gender non-conforming affects the likelihood of experiencing sexual violence is an important question for future research.”[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”What are internalized homophobia?” tab_id=”1501518105713-d4da6764-dbbc”][vc_column_text]

Gabe Murchison:
“Living in a culture that stigmatizes one or more of your identities—your race, status, sexual orientation, or many others—can affect your health negatively. One way is through internalized stigma: when you come to consciously or unconsciously believe the negative cultural ideas about yourself. Internalized homophobia is internalized stigma about being lesbian, gay, bisexual, or queer.

“Absorbing negative beliefs about one’s LGBTQ identity can cause a range of problems, like making someone more prone to depression or anxiety, or affecting their sexuality and relationships.

“For instance, it appears that some abusers take advantage of internalized homophobia to control their partners. When we were planning our research, we thought that sexual aggressors could do something similar, and there was some qualitative research (interviews with LGBTQ people about their unwanted sexual experiences) backing that up.

“It’s important to note that internalized stigma is not something to be ashamed of. It’s an almost unavoidable consequence of having any stigmatized identity, but most people find positive ways to cope with it.”

For research references, see Sources.

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Internalized transphobia may occur at a higher rate than internalized homophobia, research suggests. In a 2016 study, transgender participants reported higher rates of discrimination, depression symptoms, and suicide attempts than cisgender LGB participants. Among transgender people, depression symptoms were associated with a lack of self-acceptance around identity, researchers wrote (Transgender Health).

Transgender, gender nonconforming, and genderqueer people experience pressure from multiple sources. “According to research, stressors include being bullied at school and work, reduced access to housing, loss of friends and family, physical violence, harassment and assault, and reduced medical access,” says Joleen Nevers, sexuality educator at the University of Connecticut.

Gabe Murchison:
“Trans students report facing more discrimination on campus than their cisgender LGBQ peers. Trans students deal with a number of challenges that don’t affect cisgender LGB students, like difficulty accessing housing and restrooms that match their gender. School policies may have a serious impact: Transgender people denied access to these facilities are more likely to have attempted suicide.

“On average, trans students also seem to have a weaker sense of community on campus, even though they’re equally involved in groups and leadership activities.”

For research references, see Sources.

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Gabe Murchison:
“We surveyed about 700 LGBQ college students at hundreds of colleges and universities, using questions that measured their levels of internalized homophobia and their sense of LGBTQ community on campus. We also asked them about some things that are related to sexual violence risk among heterosexual women, including how many romantic and sexual partners they’d had during college. Finally, we asked them about different types of unwanted sexual experiences they may have had, and about how and with whom those experiences happened. We used this data to look at three big questions:

1. “First, is sexual violence against LGBTQ undergraduates basically similar to what heterosexual, cisgender women tend to experience? While those women’s experiences vary, common themes include assault while incapacitated by alcohol or drugs; assault or coercion by a dating partner; and initially consensual hookups that end in assault. I guessed that LGBTQ students would report similar experiences, but many people assume that ‘hate crime’ attacks play a big role, so it was an open question.
2. “Second, do LGBTQ students have unique experiences that affect their risk of sexual violence?
3. “Third, we knew very little about gender: Do LBQ women tend to be assaulted by men, women, or both? What about GBQ men? And what about people with a non-binary gender? That would help us understand whether this violence tends to take place within LGBTQ relationships or communities, or whether it’s mostly perpetrated by heterosexuals.”

 

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How different is trans students’ experience?

“Technically, our study was about sexual orientation, not gender. However, many transgender students are also LGBQ. In my sample and another recent study by the Asssociation of American Universities, transgender students experienced the highest rates of sexual assault and coercion.

“Trans students report facing more discrimination on campus than non-trans LGBQ peers. Some students are even targeted for sexual assault because they are trans. On average, trans students also seem to have a weaker sense of community on campus. We don’t know how transgender stigma on campus relates to sexual assault and coercion, but given the high rates of both discrimination and sexual violence, the question deserves more attention.”

How can we support LGBTQ students?

 

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“Campus programming sets the tone for LGBTQ students and straight, cisgender students,” says Gabe Murchison. The following approaches can help build an inclusive community, he says:

• Health services should use inclusive language—like “students who need a Pap test” instead of “women who need a Pap test,” since some transgender students will need that service as well.
• All programming should include LGBTQ students among its examples.
• Health, sexuality, and sexual violence workshops should feature characters with gender-neutral names and point out that both consensual sex and sexual violence can occur in any gender combination.

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Gabe Murchison:
“It’s important to have friends who support your sexual orientation or the fact that you’re transgender—but that doesn’t mean they have to be LGBTQ. Many LGBTQ students make their closest friends through athletics, Greek life, arts, religious organizations, or housing assignments. For some, most or all of those friends are straight and cisgender.

“Since LGBTQ people are just as diverse as any other group, it’s very likely that you’ll meet like-minded LGBTQ friends throughout your life, even if you don’t fit in with the LGBTQ students you’ve met on campus.”

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Gabe Murchison:
“There are not a ton of data on LGBTQ undergraduates specifically. From what exists, it appears that:

• “Gay, bi, and queer men are at higher risk than other men (but still at lower risk than women).
• “Lesbian, bi, and queer women seem to be at similar or slightly higher risk compared to other women.
• “Transgender students, particularly those with non-binary gender identities (not exclusively male or female), seem to be at higher risk than cisgender students.”

For research references, see Sources.

“‘Queer’ is how respondents self-identified. Thirteen percent of my sample described their sexual orientation as queer. The term has been adopted by the major US advocacy organizations and is used in some (not all) research on this population.”

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What cultural problems did you identify in your peer work?

“Some students who wanted to make friends with other LGBTQ people felt like the only way to do that was to be part of a hookup scene. That led to them having consensual sex they didn’t really want and sometimes made them targets for coercion. Also, some people talked about experiencing sexual aggression when they were newly out and thinking maybe that was normal or acceptable among LGBTQ people—because they didn’t yet have many LGBTQ friends to discuss it with.”

How did you aim to build a safer culture?

Create nonsexual spaces and conversations
“We decided that building a stronger sense of community could help. First, we got LGBTQ student leaders on board to help change the way people in their circles talked about hooking up, and also to be intentionally welcoming to younger students. Second, we started hosting LGBTQ events that were not at all sexualized—like a fantastic pie-baking event that’s become an annual tradition. Third, we made sure that the more sexualized spaces were still low-pressure. For example, after an LGBTQ dance, we showed Mean Girls until 3 a.m. People loved it, and it showed that you can go out and dance without ending the night in someone’s bed.”

How can all students reach out to LGBTQ peers?

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Gabe Murchison:
“Do your best not to assume someone is heterosexual or cisgender. My college had a dance where first-year students set up dates for the people they live with. Some people made a point of asking each suitemate about their gender preferences for the date. For some LGBQ people, that was the first time they felt comfortable coming out to the people they lived with.

“Be an advocate. Student affairs staff often take students’ opinions seriously. These staff can affect the decision-making process on issues that affect LGBTQ students, like funding an LGBTQ center or creating mixed-gender housing options. If you know LGBTQ students on your campus are advocating for this type of goal, you can write or talk to student affairs staff and explain why you feel it’s important.

“Speak up. If an LGBTQ person (or anyone else) hears stigmatizing comments all the time, they may be too afraid or frustrated to address them. Try to respectfully but firmly shoot down any anti-LGBTQ remarks you hear.”

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What are we talking about when we talk about stalking? The word has become a reference to nosing around each other’s Facebook timelines—or to unhealthy but not persistent choices, like that one miserable weekend when you drove past your ex’s place three times. We’re not here to talk about those. We’re talking about patterns of behaviors that cause substantial emotional distress to another person and may seriously compromise their sense of safety. Sometimes, these behaviors escalate to attempted sexual assault or other kinds of violence.

Stalking is more common on campuses than off, studies show. It is widely underreported and can affect anyone. “Most stalking is by men of women, but men can be stalked too,” says Detective Mark Kurkowski of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department’s Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri. Students who are transgender, genderqueer, or gender nonconforming may be especially vulnerable, a 2015 survey suggests (AAU Climate Survey on Sexual Assault and Sexual Misconduct).

Although stalking is a crime in all 50 states, it is often missed or minimized—even by people whose lives are disrupted by it. See Students’ stories; Stalking it over (next page).

Would you recognize stalking?

Most definitions of stalking come from the Violence Against Women Act and its 2013 reauthorization. “Stalking’ means engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to (A) fear for his or her safety or the safety of others, or (B) suffer substantial emotional distress.”

Two things are important about this, experts say:

1. Stalking is a “course” of conduct; a pattern of unwanted behaviors. It may include persistent texts and calls, online harassment, physically or digitally tracking or following the targeted person, and more.
2. This legal standard judges the effects of stalking—a person’s fear for their safety or substantial emotional distress. People sometimes get caught up on the question of what constitutes “substantial emotional distress,” says Jennifer Landhuis, director of social change at the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. “Does substantial emotional distress mean they have to go to counseling? No, it could be changing how they go to classes, feeling like they have to look over their shoulder—that kind of stuff.”

What stalking may look like

Why stalking can be difficult to spot Who's being stalked and by whom What to do if your obsessive thoughts about someone else are driving your behavior

8 ways to help a friend who’s being stalked

Chances are your friend isn’t quoting the Violence Against Women Act. They may not even use the word “stalking.” Even so, it’s important to take seriously initial concerns about stalking behaviors, and to act early, says Detective Mark Kurkowski, of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department’s Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri. “Respond to stalking cases before [they involve] violent threats or [run to] years of stalking,” he says. Here’s how to do that:

1. Listen to your friend’s story and believe it

Allow them to tell their story the way they want to tell it. Do not underestimate how powerful listening is.

“Allow them to tell their story the way they want to tell it,” says Jennifer Landhuis of the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. Do not underestimate how powerful listening is. “Sometimes the trauma will make them minimize what’s been happening, because they’re in the middle of it. That outside touchstone can make a big difference.”

2. Recognize that you are not in a position to say what they should do

All the methods they’ve tried have failed.

… or what you think they should have done to make the stalking behavior stop. “By the time stalking victims are reaching out and telling people about what’s going on, all the methods they’ve tried have failed,” says Landhuis.

3. Consider their full context and situation

As their friend, you’ll have some idea of what other challenges they may be facing; the stalking might be one part of a difficult semester.

Your friend is your friend, not just a stalking victim. As their friend, you’ll have some idea what other challenges they may be facing; the stalking might be one part of a difficult semester. All the pressures and challenges in their life are important in how you think about helping. “Unless you try to consider everything they come to the table with, you might not be able to help,” says Landhuis.

4. Help them explore their options and access to resources

Stalking resources are less familiar to most of us than sexual assault; options are available on and off campus.

• Although many of us are learning what resources exist for people affected by sexual assault and domestic violence, stalking resources are less well known.

• If the victim or others is (or feels) threatened with violence, call the police. “Whenever you have a credible threat, law enforcement should be involved,” says Det. Kurkowski.

• Check out the reporting, advocate support, and counseling options on campus. A good place to start is your campus counseling center or public safety/security office. Even if the stalking is also reported to the police, the school has responsibilities under Title IX. Look for a campus advocate, such as a residence assistant or someone in school administration, like the Title IX office. Your job as a friend may be finding which advocate on campus is best equipped to help. Advocates on campus can help in various ways:

• Accessing accommodations, such as getting the person being stalked into a different residence hall or classes
• Taking action through the school’s disciplinary process, and/or going to the police, with a view to interventions such as no contact orders. “Sometimes campus stalking codes are stricter than state law, and the university can hold the offender accountable in a number of ways, like suspension,” says Det. Kurkowski. “And just because you’re going to talk to someone about it doesn’t mean it’s going to get reported to law enforcement.” (Before reporting to a campus authority, ask about the school’s policies and procedures for involving local law enforcement.)

5. Activate your friend network

Check out these 4 ways to harness the power of your social network.

Social networks are powerful. Here’s how to harness that power:

• When someone who’s been stalked talks to a friend, they may find someone who’s been through the same thing and knows what to do, says Det. Kurkowski.

• If you know people who are friends with the stalker, they might be able to help. Landhuis says, “You can absolutely engage whatever peer group might have influence on the person who’s conducting the behavior.”

• Help protect the victim’s privacy. It’s not realistic to ask your friend to get off social media, but you can be very aware of how you use your own. “What kinds of information is the victim or their friends sharing?” asks Landhuis. “Often a stalker finds out where a victim is because the victim’s friends have posted on social media that they’re going out.” To strip online posts of automatic location information, search “how to disable geotagging on [phone make/model].”

• Actively support your friend’s safety when you’re together. If you’re heading to a bar with your friend who’s been stalked, ask your crew, “How are we going to keep an eye on them? What kinds of bystander supports are going to keep our friend feeling safe?”

6. Make a safety plan and check out safety apps

Safety plans and apps can help.

“In any stalking situation, you should be doing safety planning,” Det. Kurkowski says. Safety plans use what a victim knows about a stalker to reduce the risk of harm to themselves and those around them. For example, avoid places where the stalker tends to hang out; if the stalker shows up, have a safe exit plan ready. In addition, look for evaluated safety apps that can address your friend’s needs.

7. Document the pattern of stalking

This is essential to any disciplinary process or police report.

“Documentation is key—whether it be text messages, emails, Facebook postings, whatever. Don’t erase anything, don’t delete anything, make sure there’s a way to prove that this happened over a period of time,” says Det. Kurkowski. Take screenshots of social media posts and learn how to download a copy of Facebook messages.

8. Help others understand what stalking is

Avoid using language that minimizes how harmful and dangerous stalking can be.

Some victims minimize the behaviors that threaten their safety, or blame themselves. In that case, look at those behaviors: Is someone following them around, tracking them somehow, or not taking “no” for an answer? “Many people who don’t use the word ‘stalking’ will say, ‘That is happening to me,’” says Landhuis. “Help to educate your friend. What does stalking look like, what does it feel like, what does it sound like?”

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What makes a romantic or sexual encounter great? What do people want out of hookups? Everyone has their own answers—like physical pleasure, feeling connected to their partner, or developing a relationship. One quality, though, is fundamental to all good encounters: mutual desire.

So how can you make your sexual experiences more like your fantasies?

• By emphasizing desire and what you both truly want
• By focusing on quality, not quantity

“Unsexy sex” refers to sexual encounters in which one or both partners are in it for unsexy reasons—such as a sense of obligation, an urge to fit in, or a need to prove something. Good sex is based in genuine desire—the difference between a reluctant yes and an exuberant yes!

In a sexual or romantic encounter, talking or expressing desire doesn’t ruin the mood. Just the opposite—this can bring about some of the sexiest moments. These five steps will help you communicate in ways that deepen the pleasure or connection for you and your partner.

Trust your body language (+ clarifying affirmative consent)

Why body language works
One of the most important things about communication is how basic it is. As two-year-olds, most of us learn to interpret agreement, refusal, and ambiguity. And we only get better at it over time. We’re very good at interpreting—and giving—signs. These may be in words, tone of voice, or body language.

What does that have to do with romance and sex? If you think you’re making it clear with your body, tone, or words that you do or don’t want something, the person you’re talking to or hooking up with can almost certainly tell.

Humans are highly skilled at understanding acceptance and rejection in sexual and non-sexual contexts, according to researchers. “There are indeed miscommunications in sexual activity (as in all of life), and those miscommunications can certainly get in the way of fulfilling, pleasurable experiences. But they do not cause rape or assault,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean in student affairs at Yale University.

Clarifying affirmative consent
Sometimes, people dismiss the idea of communicating about the different parts of a physical encounter as a series of awkward questions: “May I put my hand on your leg? What about on your belly?” But this denies how we communicate during sex. The vast majority of people pick up on and respond to their partners’ signals. And when people ask outright, it only opens partners up to talk about what they want. This is far from a series of clinical questions or doctor’s checklist.

So trust your body language—and think about how to use it to express what you want. Your might place your partner’s hand where you want to be touched. You might create more space between your bodies and take a moment to talk. You might get closer and talk a little less.

All communication skills can be impaired by alcohol and other substances. If you are unsure whether or not the other person (or you) is able to give consent, call a halt. Mutually enthusiastic sex can be rescheduled.

What if understanding nonverbal language doesn’t come easily?

Some people have genuine difficulty interpreting nonverbal language and social cues. This has implications for establishing mutual sexual consent.

What to say to your partner if understanding body language is hard for you
“I don’t always pick up on body language, so if I misunderstand you, it’s not intentional. Please tell me directly what you want and what you don’t want.”

What to say to your partner if understanding body language is hard for them
“Let’s be direct, so we’re sure to understand each other. I’ll tell you what I want and what I don’t want. What do you want?”

How misunderstandings can happen
“This is mainly about the ability to read other people’s intentions and thoughts,” says Dr. Isabelle Hénault, a sexologist and psychologist based in Montreal, Quebec. “Especially with individuals with Asperger syndrome or other autism conditions, they rarely act out with a negative intention. Any problems are most likely about misreading situations.”

+ Why consent is like a cup of tea

Get help developing sexual communication skills

How to communicate clearly 
When one or both people have difficulty interpreting body language and other nonverbal cues, “be very concrete, very explicit, very clear,” says Michael Glenn, a clinical social worker and sex educator based in Massachusetts. He recommends disclosing a relevant diagnosis. “I really believe that at this point in time, enough is known about Asperger’s. You may as well label it and discuss it more openly, and make it sound interesting.”

How to develop sexual communication skills 
For people who struggle with interpreting social cues, intimate communication skills are best learned with support from a clinician, says Glenn: “They really need a professional who they can talk to in an ongoing way.” Therapists and their clients use role-playing and scripting to build skills. Pornography does not represent social norms or rules, and should not be used as a guide.

+ Seek support from Adult Services at the Asperger/Autism Network [AANE]

Talk about your desires (& theirs)

Express your desire
Expressing desire is about showing your own enthusiasm—and it’s about shaping a hookup or encounter for the better. Whether you’re looking for pleasure, a feeling of connectedness, or something else, communication is essential. Expressing your own desire helps your partner understand what you’re looking for, and it’s a chance to talk or figure out together what you each want.

In a recent poll by Student Health 101, more than half the respondents (53 percent) said that what makes them feel most desired is their partner telling them “I care about you” or “I desire you.”

Ask what they want
Talking is key, whether you’re going for physical pleasure, trying new things, feeling connected, empowered, or sexy, or something else. “Furthering the conversation in a positive way is fun,” Twanna A. Hines, the sex writer behind the Funky Brown Chick blog and Twitter account, told Student Health 101. Try questions like these, she says: “What are you into? What’s the hottest thing you’ve ever tried?”

Enthusiastic consent
Sometimes this shared excitement is called enthusiastic consent. This is the idea that when people engage in sexual activity, it’s not simply that you both agree to do it—it is something you both actively want. Focusing on your partner’s enthusiasm and finding where your desires overlap makes any encounter better.

“The ideal is a genuinely mutual, engaged, connected encounter that’s working for both people,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, who runs programming designed to create a more positive sexual and romantic culture at Yale University.

Listen, don’t assume

Listening is always better than assuming
Discussing your desires can feel intimidating. But remember—you are not a mind reader and neither is your partner. Every person comes into a sexual encounter with different goals and experiences. To get to shared desire and enthusiasm, it’s important to be attentive to your partner.

“Hooking up with someone from another country, you know there might be differences you don’t expect, so it’ll be important to communicate well,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean in student affairs at Yale University. “That’s likely to also be true of people whose values and experiences you think you already know.”

When it makes sense to be wary—and when it doesn’t
Listen to your partner. As you signal that you’re open to learning about their desires and what feels good to them, they should respond in kind. If they don’t—pay attention to that. And if your partner stops responding, check in and make sure they’re still OK with this. Remember: quality, not quantity.

Don’t worry about seeming inexperienced or wide-eyed. This kind of open communication will make an encounter more pleasurable, more mutual, more connected.

Talk about the basics ahead of time
Assumptions about what your partner might want are just as likely to prevent mutual engagement and pleasure. And while much communication around desire happens through body language, often things like whether to have sex, or how to do it, need to be talked through. Before you begin a sexual encounter, discuss consent, contraception, and sexually transmitted infections, says sex writer Twanna A. Hines. These conversations can help put people at ease.

To treat your partner as you would want to be treated, go into an encounter trying to understand what they’re looking for and how they want to get there.

Know what you want

Know what you’re looking for
Thinking about what you want out of an encounter or relationship, and about how you express desire, can help you feel clearer and more confident to pursue what you want.

“The research shows that so many young people are dissatisfied with their sex lives because they don’t understand it’s about quality, not quantity,” Jaclyn Friedman, an activist and a survivor of sexual assault, told Student Health 101. “Let go of the idea that sex is an accomplishment, something to collect, a commodity that we trade in, something one person gives up and the other person gets.”

Prioritize two-way communication
It’s important to look for partners with whom you can communicate in ways that work for both of you. Just as you’ll want to signal that you’re open to hearing what their desires are, you should look for partners who make you feel you can share and discuss your desires with them.

People who don’t seem to pay attention to what you want, who disregard your feelings, are unlikely to be ideal partners. And if you can find someone who values pleasure, mutuality, and emotional connection in ways that you do, or make you think about how you value those things—even if it’s only a one-time thing—then you’re on your way to creating more ideal encounters.

“Unsexy sex” refers to sexual experiences that are consensual but not pleasurable or enthusiastic for everyone involved. The term comes from Dr. Nicola Gavey, professor of psychology at the University of Auckland, who researches the ways that cultural norms influence sexual behavior.

Take the pressure off: Dos & don’ts

Ground rules

Know what sounds like pressure
In discussing with a partner what you want out of an encounter, it’s important that you don’t pressure them. After all, an ideal encounter is marked by mutual desire and enthusiasm.

Discuss the ground rules
Discuss ground rules: what you want to try, what you don’t want to try, what you might want to try, and maybe safe words as well. (See below.) “Asking open-ended questions—‘How do we have a lot of fun?’—communicates boundaries and seeks to provide pleasure for both parties,” says Twanna A. Hines of the Funky Brown Chick blog.

If you or they want to “give up control”
Exploring sexual roles involving dominance and submission, to whatever degree, plays on the idea that someone has given up control over their own body and desire. That idea is part of the game, but is not the reality. This kind of sexual encounter again relies on mutual agreement, clear expectations and boundaries, and safe words that signal when someone needs to stop or do something differently. Explicit communication and earned trust are essential. (A safe word is a word or phrase you would never otherwise use during sex; for example, “glitter bomb”. You agree in advance that it means “Stop right now and check in”.)

Don’t say	Do say
Tell me if anything I do makes you uncomfortable…	Is it okay if I…? What do you want out of tonight?
I’m going to…	What if we tried…? I’d like to do X – would you like that?
Time for us to…	Does this feel good? How can we have a lot of fun?

How students talk about consent

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If you have ever attended an event designed to raise awareness of sexual assault and abuse, what did you think of it? Did you feel shocked or moved? Motivated to make your community safer? Or maybe it didn’t work for you, and you wished it had been handled differently.

Events on this theme—like Take Back the Night, Walk a Mile in Her Shoes, and the Clothesline Project—are designed to build a more positive climate around relationship and gender issues. Many college campuses and other communities host an event like this every year. In a recent survey by Student Health 101, 76 percent of students who responded said they had helped organize at least one of these events or were open to doing so. Addressing any sensitive theme requires us to recognize and avoid certain pitfalls that could undermine the effectiveness of the message. These tactics will help you plan an inclusive and powerful event.

1. Plan early, plan often

More information about planning early

2. Find your allies

More information about finding allies

3. Set the right tone

More information about setting the right tone

4. Present varied stories

More information about presenting stories

5. Make it about more than speaking

More information about making it about more

6. If you want to keep it simple

More information about keeping it simple

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