Reading Time: 8 minutes Learn what you can do if you see someone experiencing unwanted pressure or harassment. Here are key strategies for bystander intervention.

4 ways to practice consent and self-empowerment in everyday life

by Evan Walker-Wells0 Comments

Reading Time: 9 minutes Learn strategies for practicing consent, self-empowerment, and boundary setting.

05 SepStudent Advocate

Encouraging students to practice consent and self-empowerment

by Evan Walker-Wells0 Comments

Reading Time: 5 minutes

Sexual assault remains a problem in higher ed. Among a random sample of New York undergrads, 22 percent reported experiencing at least one incident of sexual assault since entering college (PLoS ONE, 2017). Women and gender-nonconforming students reported at higher rates—28 percent and 38 percent, respectively—while 12.5 percent of college-aged males reported experiencing sexual assault. In a recent Student Health 101 poll, 63 percent of students said they were aware of sexual assaults happening among their peers.

So what can we do about it? Part of the problem is recognizing that most sexual assault doesn’t look how we might expect it to. The US Department of Justice defines sexual assault as “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” That can include:

Forcing or coercing someone to have sex or do any sexual act
Penetrating a person’s body with any object without their consent
Unwanted sexual touching
Unwanted sexual comments
Anything that forces someone to join in unwanted sexual contact or attention

“Changing the culture around consent and communication is one of the best ways to prevent sexual assault,” says Evan Walker-Wells, a former communication and consent educator at Yale University and the cofounder of Scalawag, a magazine and website covering Southern politics and culture.

Cultural norms around sexual assault

Sexual assault among young adults is often associated with:

Social norms that make it harder to speak up in defense of oneself or others (e.g., a double standard that judges people differently for sexual activity).
A party culture that links alcohol with expectations of sex or hooking up.

How do we change the culture? Start with self-empowerment

Self-empowerment means identifying and learning to honor our own needs and desires. Helping students become self-empowered can help them get the sandwich the way they ordered it, help their friends and partners have their back, help them speak up when something’s not working, and help them feel confident in walking away from things when they need to. A key to satisfying relationships and interactions is being aware of and honoring our own feelings—which also helps us appreciate and honor others’ feelings.

4 ways for school staff to support self-empowerment

1. Work with students to normalize conversations about sex and sexuality

Faculty and staff can model thoughtful decision making, provide space for reflection, and introduce new ideas and norms. You can encourage dialogue, help find guest speakers, and incorporate these conversations and concepts into the classroom.

2. Encourage student leaders who are building a more positive culture

Student leaders help facilitate the environments in which their peers hang out, flirt, and sometimes hook up. By providing students with relevant training and resources on things like bystander intervention, sexual culture, and self-empowerment, you can help create an environment that’s less conducive to sexual assault and more conducive to thoughtful choices.

3. Help spread positive and diverse narratives

College plays a vital role in shaping narratives that students see and hear. You’re well positioned to introduce positive examples of self-empowerment and mindful decision making (e.g., when instructors select reading material for class).

4. Model empowerment

Students learn from their professors and school staff. Find everyday situations in which you can model polite boundary setting, make non-coercive requests, and affirm other people’s decision to say “no.”

Keep in mind that there are times when sexual pressure escalates into assault. No matter how good a person is at setting boundaries, it’s not always possible to stop that. A victim is never at fault for someone else’s choice to assault. When students learn to trust their instincts, though, it can make it easier to spot red flags early on.

[school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’counselingservices,wellnesspromotion,titleix,studentlife’]GET HELP OR FIND OUT MORE

Q&As about assertiveness: Minnesota State University

How to attain real personal empowerment: Psychology Today

Sex needs a new metaphor: Al Vernacchio’s TED Talks

Find local sexual assault services and other resources: Center for Changing Our Campus Culture

What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety, by Jaclyn Friedman
Seal Press, 2011

Article sources

Diana Adams, JD, Esq., managing partner, Diana Adams Law & Mediation PLLC, New York City.

Jaclyn Friedman, author of What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety (Seal Press, 2011).

1in6. (n.d.). Sorting it out for himself. Retrieved from https://1in6.org/family-and-friends/sorting-it-out-for-himself/

Anderson, N., & Clement, S. (2015, June 12). Poll shows that 20 percent of women are sexually assaulted in college. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/sf/local/2015/06/12/1-in-5-women-say-they-were-violated/

Anderson, S. S., Steve Hendrix, N., & Brown, E. (2015, June 12). Male survivors of sex assaults often fear they won’t be taken seriously. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/male-victims-often-fear-they-wont-be-taken-seriously/2015/06/12/e780794a-f8fe-11e4-9030-b4732caefe81_story.html

Bazelon, E. (2014, October 21). Hooking up at an affirmative-consent campus? It’s complicated. New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/26/magazine/hooking-up-at-an-affirmative-consent-campus-its-complicated.html

Beres, M. A. (2014). Rethinking the concept of consent for anti-sexual violence activism and education. Feminism & Psychology, 24(3), 373–389.

Beres, M. A., Herold, E., & Maitland, S. B. (2004). Sexual consent behaviors in same-sex relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 33(5), 475–486.

Berrington, L. (2015). Finding yourself: 7 steps to self-empowerment. Student Health 101, 10(8).

Blue Seat Studios. (2015). Tea consent. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

Boyd, M. (2015, December 17). The case for affirmative consent [blog post]. Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-boyd/the-case-for-affirmative-consent_b_6312476.html

Carmody, M. (2003). Sexual ethics and violence prevention. Social & Legal Studies, 12(2), 199–216. https://doi.org/10.1177/0964663903012002003

Catalano, S. (2013). Intimate partner violence: Attributes of victimization, 1993–2011. Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). Retrieved from https://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=4801

Crome, S. (2006). Male survivors of sexual assault and rape. Australian Institute of Family Studies. Retrieved from https://aifs.gov.au/publications/male-survivors-sexual-assault-and-rape

Culp-Ressler, T. (n.d.). What “affirmative consent” actually means. Retrieved from https://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/06/25/3453041/affirmative-consent-really-means/

Davies, M., Gilston, J., & Rogers, P. (2012). Examining the relationship between male rape myth acceptance, female rape myth acceptance, victim blame, homophobia, gender roles, and ambivalent sexism. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 27(14), 2807–2823.

Davies, M., & Rogers, P. (2006). Perceptions of male victims in depicted sexual assaults: A review of the literature. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 11(4), 367–377.

Dube, S. R., Anda, R. F., Whitfield, C. L., Brown, D. W., et al. (2005). Long-term consequences of childhood sexual abuse by gender of victim. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 28(5), 430–438. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2005.01.015

Friedman, J., & Valenti, J. (2008). Yes means yes: Visions of female sexual power and a world without rape. Seal Press.

Gavey, N., & Schmidt, J. (2011). “Trauma of rape” discourse: A double-edged template for everyday understandings of the impact of rape? Violence Against Women, 17(4), 433–456.

Gavey, N., Schmidt, J., Braun, V., Fenaughty, J., et al. (2009). Unsafe, unwanted: Sexual coercion as a barrier to safer sex among men who have sex with men. Journal of Health Psychology, 14(7), 1021–1026.

Graham, R. (2006). Male rape and the careful construction of the male victim. Social & Legal Studies, 15(2), 187–208.

Harrell, M. C., Castaneda, L. W., Adelson, M., Gaillot, S., et al. (2009). A compendium of sexual assault research. RAND Corporation. Retrieved from https://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/technical_reports/2009/RAND_TR617.pdf

Kann, L., McManus, T., Harris, W. A., Shanklin, S. L., et al. (2016, June 10). Youth risk behavior surveillance—United States, 2015. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 65(6).

Maine Coalition Against Sexual Violence. (n.d.). Sexual violence against LGBTQQI populations. Retrieved from https://www.mecasa.org/index.php/special-projects/lgbtqqi

McDonough, K. (2014, September 5). Gloria Steinem on consent and sexual assault: “Since when is hearing ‘yes’ a turnoff?” Retrieved December 21, 2015, from https://www.salon.com/2014/09/05/gloria_steinem_on_consent_and_sexual_assault_since_when_is_hearing_yes_a_turnoff/

Paulk, L. (2014, April 30). Sexual assault in the LGBT community. National Center for Lesbian Rights. Retrieved from https://www.nclrights.org/sexual-assault-in-the-lgbt-community/

Rothman, E. F., Exner, D., & Baughman, A. L. (2011). The prevalence of sexual assault against people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual in the United States: A systematic review. Trauma, Violence & Abuse, 12(2), 55–66.

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US Department of Justice. (2016, April 1). Sexual assault. Retrieved from https://www.justice.gov/ovw/sexual-assault

Walters, M. L., Chen, J., & Breiding, M. J. (2013). The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey (NISVS): 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_sofindings.pdf

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Yale CCEs. (n.d.). Myth of miscommunication workshops | Yale CCE Program. Retrieved from https://cce.yalecollege.yale.edu/myth-miscommunication-workshops

01 JanFeaturedLGBTQ+Sexual assault and harassmentSexual culture

Strategies for supporting men who’ve experienced sexual violence

by Evan Walker-Wells0 Comments

Reading Time: 10 minutes

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Most of us have supported friends through difficult times, such as a break-up, academic pressure, or family issues. But how do we step up and provide support when friends and loved ones experience sexual assault and other forms of sexual violence? Especially when the person who experienced the assault is male?

Social pressure and stereotypes about gender can make it particularly challenging for men who’ve been assaulted to talk about their experiences. If one of your male friends or loved ones is assaulted, it’s important that you know you’re in a position to help.

Many of the challenges men face reflect social pressure: ideas that sexual assault makes them less masculine, that women can’t assault men, or that “real men” don’t talk about or get help for painful experiences. “Some men fear that they’ll be seen as less of a man,” says Dr. Jim Hopper, a researcher, therapist, and instructor at Harvard Medical School. “If they’re heterosexual, they may fear people will doubt their sexuality. And if they’re gay or bisexual, they may blame the assault on their sexuality in a way that further stigmatizes their being gay or bisexual.”

Addressing stereotypes

A common belief is that sexual violence only affects women. In fact, many men have unwanted sexual experiences, as both children and adults. One in six men in the US is sexually assaulted before age 18, according to studies from the 1980s to the early 2000s. In 2015, seven percent of men reported being sexually assaulted while attending college, according to a study by the Washington Post and the Kaiser Family Foundation. Regardless of the targeted man’s sexual orientation, both men and women perpetrate these assaults, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (2013).

“Sex, gender identity, and race can all influence how an experience like this affects someone, but it’s very important you have no presumption about what it feels like to your friend—so listen,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in Connecticut.

Talking to your friend about what happened

Everyone is different. People’s varying personalities and circumstances affect how they respond to an unwanted sexual experience and what we can do to help. For example, some people want lots of hugs, while some prefer verbal support. The most important thing is to relate to your friend in a way that can help him feel empowered and connected. As a friend, you’re in a great position to do this.

When a friend discloses an experience of violence, it’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions, such as shock, confusion, sadness, or anger. In the moment, keep the conversation focused on your friend’s emotions, not your own.

“Many people who experience sexual violence also experience some degree of self-blame,” says Dr. Boyd. “Partially, that’s just what people do when something bad happens: We go over the events in our head, hunting for things we could have done differently. It’s a way of regaining a sense of control. In the case of sexual violence, though, survivors also have to contend with victim-blaming patterns that run through our culture. So it’s important that friends help them push back against that. Be careful not to say or ask anything that might suggest blame—and affirm for your friend that he did the best he could in a difficult, complicated situation.”

Here are four ways you can be there for your friend

1. Be careful not to “other” him

As challenging an experience as a sexual assault may be, it’s not as though your friend has become an entirely different person. The “othering” of people who’ve been assaulted—treating them differently—can be just as dangerous as ignoring or minimizing unwanted sexual experiences, according to researchers Nicola Gavey and Johanna Schmidt (Violence Against Women, 2011). Avoid thinking of the assault as something that cuts your friend off from the rest of the world; in fact, it’s up to you to be supportive and counteract that.

Because of stereotypes about gender and sexual violence, male survivors may feel particularly othered: They might worry that people won’t take their experiences seriously, or that they’ll be viewed as weak. “It took me almost two years to come to terms with it, and I still feel like the few that I told sort of wrote it off because I’m a male,” said Chris*, a second-year undergraduate at the University of Kansas. To avoid othering, you can demonstrate that you take your friend’s experience seriously by using phrases like “that wasn’t okay” or “that sounds really messed up.”
While it’s important to give your friend opportunities to talk about his experience of violence (if he chooses to), remember to maintain the other parts of your friendship too. It may be a relief to your friend to spend some time on normal activities that he enjoys. You can try statements like, “I’m happy to talk more about this if you want, but it’s also fine if you want to take a break from processing and go for a run together.”

Friend consoling sad guy

2. Truly listen and ask questions

Make sure to listen and focus on your friend’s feelings. “Pay attention to their specific issues,” says Dr. Boyd.

Avoid pushing your own ideas. “Allow them to talk without being interrupted, and especially don’t put any more pressure on them (e.g., telling them that you think they need the police or a therapist),” says Tom*, a third-year undergraduate at Ripon College in Wisconsin. “Ask what you can do to help.”
Don’t try to investigate the situation. It’s not important for you to find out exactly what happened or to delve into the details beyond what your friend wants to share.
Avoid questions that might feel blaming (e.g., “Were you drunk?” or “Did you say no?”). “Being reminded that I wasn’t the one at fault felt reassuring,” said Taylor*, a second-year undergraduate at Wake Technical Community College in North Carolina.
Don’t speculate about what you would have done in the situation (e.g., “If someone tried to do that to me, I’d fight them off”) or project emotions onto your friend (e.g., “You must feel like a whole different person”). Let your friend lead the conversation, and respect what he’s feeling.

Try statements like…

It means a lot that you trusted me with that. What can I do to help? Do you think you’d like to talk to a crisis center or a counselor on campus? It wasn’t your fault. What would be an empowering/fun/relaxing thing to do? I’m here for you.

3. Be thoughtful about your language

Avoid pronouns that assume the gender of the perpetrator or that make other assumptions about the experience. “I think one of the most important issues is breaking down the stereotype that only women are abused,” said Lena*, a second-year undergraduate at Tarrant County College in Texas.

Make clear that you’re not making presumptions about your friend’s experience based on his identity. In particular, avoid assumptions about your friend’s sexual orientation or gender identity. “Drop in phrases or words that don’t put them on the spot but that signal your openness to hearing a more complex narrative, about, for example, ‘people of all genders,’” says Dr. Boyd. “Pay attention to what’s going on for the person in front of you.”
It’s not your role to define the experience for your friend. Some people don’t use the word “rape” or “assault” to describe what may seem to you to be sexual violence, or relate to the terms “victim” or “survivor.” “You want them to feel like you’re connecting with their experience, not trying to impose your views or language on them,” says Dr. Hopper.

4. Give him choices

“As a friend, you want to relate to them in a way that gives them power, including by giving them choices and respecting whatever choices they make on whatever timeline,” says Dr. Hopper.

Your friend might be interested in working with the police, pursuing disciplinary action, or working with other university resources. It’s up to him to decide. While it’s not your job to steer him to the police or school administrators, providing information about his options can be a great way to help. Figure out what resources your school has, such as hotlines, therapists, heath care providers, disciplinary processes, chaplains, or survivor advocates. “Since I was assaulted, I have learned that it wasn’t my fault and that therapy does help,” said Josh*, a second-year undergraduate at the College of the Desert in California.
Talk with your friend about what makes him feel empowered and safe. Everyone’s different, so whether your friend feels like watching TV, working out, or flirting with someone at a party, you should ask and see how you can help. Sometimes people want to spend time on their own, sometimes people want to be social. It’s not your job to judge, but to be supportive.

Look after yourself

“Supporting someone through the healing process can be stressful, hard, and exhausting. That’s why it’s important for supports to take of themselves,” says Bella Alarcon, a bilingual clinician at the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center who facilitates a support group for partners, friends, and family of people who’ve experienced sexual violence. Paying attention to your own needs isn’t selfish. “If you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, you’re not going to be able to support the survivor,” says Alarcon.

Be mindful of your own needs, and make sure that you’re getting support.

“It’s okay to set limits and boundaries. If you need a break, it’s okay,” says Alarcon. If you’re finding a conversation with your friend overwhelming, say so. Try language like, “I really want to be here for you, but I’m finding it hard to handle this conversation. I want to be able to support you as well as I can, and I think I can do that better if I take a break for a few minutes.”
Reach out to university resources for support. Consider speaking to a trusted mentor, a dean, a survivor advocate, or a health professional about how you’re doing. Respect your friend’s privacy by not sharing their story with peers or classmates.
“Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself: Take a bath, go to the gym, have a cup of tea, go out with friends, have fun, have a good cry, take a deep breath, or get your own counseling,” says Alarcon.

*Names changed

Strategies developed by the Communication and Consent Educator program at Yale University.

[school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,titleix, counselingservices, suicideprevention, titleix’] Get help or find out more

How to support a male friend: 1in6

Helpline and many other resources: RAINN

Resources for survivors: Living Well

Help for survivors: National Sexual Assault Hotline and Online Hotline

LGBTQ hotline and meet-up groups: Trevor Project

Information for transgender, genderqueer, and gender non-conforming survivors of sexual violence: FORGE

Information and resources for LGBTQ survivors of violence: Anti-Violence Project

Men share their stories of dealing with sexual violence: The Bristlecone Project

[survey_plugin] Article sources

Bella Alarcon, bilingual clinician, Boston Area Rape Crisis Center, Massachusetts.

Melanie Boyd, PhD, assistant dean in student affairs; lecturer in women’s, gender, and sexuality studies, Yale University, Connecticut.

Jim Hopper, PhD, independent consultant and clinical instructor in psychology, Department of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Massachusetts.

1in6. (n.d.). Sorting it out for himself. Retrieved from https://1in6.org/family-and-friends/sorting-it-out-for-himself/

Abelson, M. J. (2014). Dangerous privilege: Trans men, masculinities, and changing perceptions of safety. Sociological Forum, 29(3), 549–570. https://doi.org/10.1111/socf.12103

Anderson, S. S., Hendrix, S., Anderson, N., & Brown, E. (2015, June 12). Male survivors of sex assaults often fear they won’t be taken seriously. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/male-victims-often-fear-they-wont-be-taken-seriously/2015/06/12/e780794a-f8fe-11e4-9030-b4732caefe81_story.html

Beres, M. A. (2014). Rethinking the concept of consent for anti-sexual violence activism and education. Feminism & Psychology, 24(3), 373–389.

Beres, M. A., Herold, E., & Maitland, S. B. (2004). Sexual consent behaviors in same-sex relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 33(5), 475–486.

Brenner, A. (2013). Transforming campus culture to prevent rape: The possibility and promise of restorative justice as a response to campus sexual violence. Harvard Journal of Law and Gender. Retrieved from https://harvardjlg.com/2013/10/transforming-campus-culture-to-prevent-rape-the-possibility-and-promise-of-restorative-justice-as-a-response-to-campus-sexual-violence/

Carmody, M. (2003). Sexual ethics and violence prevention. Social & Legal Studies, 12(2), 199–216. https://doi.org/10.1177/0964663903012002003

Catalano, S. (2013). Intimate partner violence: Attributes of victimization, 1993–2011. Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). Retrieved from https://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=4801

Colorado State University. (n.d.). A Guide for supporting survivors of sexual assault. Retreived from https://wgac.colostate.edu/supporting-survivors

Crome, S. (2006). Male survivors of sexual assault and rape. Australian Institute of Family Studies. Retrieved from https://aifs.gov.au/publications/male-survivors-sexual-assault-and-rape

Crome, S. A., & McCabe, M. P. (2001). Adult rape scripting within a victimological perspective. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 6(4), 395–413.

Davies, M., & Rogers, P. (2006). Perceptions of male victims in depicted sexual assaults: A review of the literature. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 11(4), 367–377.

Dube, S. R., Anda, R. F., Whitfield, C. L., Brown, D. W., et al. (2005). Long-term consequences of childhood sexual abuse by gender of victim. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 28(5), 430–438. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2005.01.015

Gavey, N., & Schmidt, J. (2011). “Trauma of rape” discourse: A double-edged template for everyday understandings of the impact of rape? Violence Against Women, 17(4), 433–456.

Graham, R. (2006). Male rape and the careful construction of the male victim. Social & Legal Studies, 15(2), 187–208.

Grand Rapids Community College. (n.d). Step-by-step. Retrieved from
https://www.grcc.edu/studentaffairs/sexualmisconduct/stepbystep

Harrell, M. C., Castaneda, L. W., Adelson, M., Gaillot, S., et al. (2009). A compendium of sexual assault research. RAND Corporation. Retrieved from https://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/technical_reports/2009/RAND_TR617.pdf

Hopper, J. W. (2015, June 23). Why many rape victims don’t fight or yell. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2015/06/23/why-many-rape-victims-dont-fight-or-yell/

Kozlowska, K., Walker, P., McLean, L., & Carrive, P. (2015). Fear and the defense cascade: Clinical implications and management. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 23(4), 263–287.

Maine Coalition Against Sexual Violence. (n.d.). Sexual violence against LGBTQQI populations. Retrieved from https://www.mecasa.org/index.php/special-projects/lgbtqqi

Masters, N. T. (2010). “My strength is not for hurting”: Men’s anti-rape websites and their construction of masculinity and male sexuality. Sexualities, 13(1), 33–46.

Monk-Turner, E., & Light, D. (2010). Male sexual assault and rape: Who seeks counseling? Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment, 22(3), 255–265.

Paulk, L. (2014, April 30). Sexual assault in the LGBT community. National Center for Lesbian Rights. Retrieved from https://www.nclrights.org/sexual-assault-in-the-lgbt-community/

RAND Office of Media Relations. (n.d.). Complete results from major survey of US military sexual assault, harassment released. Retrieved from https://www.rand.org/news/press/2015/05/01.html

Sleath, E., & Bull, R. (2010). Male rape victim and perpetrator blaming. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 25(6), 969–988.

Stanko, E. A., & Hobdell, K. (1993). Assault on men: Masculinity and male victimization. British Journal of Criminology, 33(3), 400–415.

Strauss, V. (2014, August 29). Does “restorative justice” in campus sexual assault cases make sense? Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2014/08/29/does-restorative-justice-in-campus-sexual-assault-cases-make-sense/

Walters, M. L., Chen, J., & Breiding, M. J. (2013). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_sofindings.pdf

Weiss, K. G. (2010). Male sexual victimization examining men’s experiences of rape and sexual assault. Men and Masculinities, 12(3), 275–298.

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01 FebFeaturedLGBTQ+Sexual assault and harassmentSexual culture

Sexual violence in LGBTQ communities: How we can help prevent it

by Evan Walker-Wells0 Comments

Reading Time: 10 minutes

Rate this article and enter to win
Gabe Murchison is senior research manager at Human Rights Campaign, the largest LGBTQ advocacy organization in the US. He focuses on research that “helps us understand the unique challenges that LGBTQ people deal with and the resources we have for tackling them.”

Murchison has a master’s in public health from Yale University. As an undergraduate, he spent three years with Yale’s sexual violence prevention program, Communication and Consent Educators. His master’s thesis examines sexual assault risk factors affecting LGBTQ people and how to make our communities safer.

Why did you do this research?

“To prevent sexual violence, we have to understand how it happens, and while we know a bit about how sexual violence against straight, cisgender women tends to look, there’s very little research on violence against LGBTQ students. As a result, most prevention efforts are designed for straight, cisgender women. There’s very little research telling us whether they serve LGBTQ students equally or at all.

“Overall, our data suggests that LGBTQ students’ unwanted sexual experiences (coercion or assault) are similar to what we know about heterosexual, cisgender women’s. For instance, in the research we conducted, many of the perpetrators were friends, romantic partners, exes, or hookups, and coercion and alcohol incapacitation were more common tactics than physical force.

“However, students with more internalized homophobia were more likely to have experienced sexual assault and coercion, while students with a stronger sense of LGBTQ community were less likely to have had those experiences. We found that 82 percent of perpetrators were male—surprisingly, that number was similar regardless of the survivor’s gender.”

Definitions: transgender, gender nonconforming, cisgender, & more

This list is adapted from the Glossary of Terms published by the Human Rights Campaign. Terminology relating to gender and sexual identity is variable (e.g., a non-cisgender person may identify as transgender, gender non-conforming, non-binary, queer, or genderqueer). Always respect individuals’ preferences.

Asexual The person does not experience sexual attraction or desire for other people.

Bisexual The person is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender, or gender identity.

Cisgender A person’s gender identity aligns with the sex assigned to them at birth.

Gay The person is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to people of the same gender.

Gender identity A person’s innermost concept of self as male, female, a blend of both, or neither; how individuals perceive themselves, and what they call themselves.

Gender non-conforming The person does not behave in a way that conforms to the traditional expectations of their gender, or their gender expression does not fit neatly into a category; also termed “non-binary.”

Genderqueer The person rejects static categories of gender and embraces a fluidity of gender identity (and often, though not always, sexual orientation); may see themselves as being both male and female, neither male nor female, or outside these categories.

Homophobia The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who are attracted to those of the same sex.

Lesbian The woman is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other women.

LGBT An acronym for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender.”

Queer Fluid gender identity and/or sexual orientation; often used interchangeably with “LGBT.”

Transgender The person’s gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth; transgender people may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc.

Transphobia The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, transgender people.

Full glossary HERE

What's the difference between transgender and gender non-conforming?

Gabe Murchison:

“I use transgender to refer to people who identify with a different gender than they were assigned at birth. I use gender non-conforming to refer to people who consistently and noticeably express themselves outside of the norms for their gender.

“Like anyone else, a transgender person could be gender-conforming or non-conforming after they transition. Some transgender men dress and act in stereotypically masculine ways, while others are more feminine than the average man, and the same is true of transgender women.

“There are also many transgender people who don’t identify exclusively as men or women, but as neither, or a combination of both. I use the umbrella term ‘non-binary’ for these identities, because they are outside of the male-female ‘gender binary.’

“Many health researchers use the umbrella term ‘gender minorities’ to describe transgender and gender non-conforming people. In the study we’re discussing, I didn’t ask participants about being gender non-conforming, so I can only talk about transgender students’ experiences. Other research has found that LGBTQ youth who are gender non-conforming have different experiences than those who are gender-conforming—for instance, they are more likely to be bullied in school. Whether being gender non-conforming affects the likelihood of experiencing sexual violence is an important question for future research.”

What are internalized homophobia?

Gabe Murchison:
“Living in a culture that stigmatizes one or more of your identities—your race, status, sexual orientation, or many others—can affect your health negatively. One way is through internalized stigma: when you come to consciously or unconsciously believe the negative cultural ideas about yourself. Internalized homophobia is internalized stigma about being lesbian, gay, bisexual, or queer.

“Absorbing negative beliefs about one’s LGBTQ identity can cause a range of problems, like making someone more prone to depression or anxiety, or affecting their sexuality and relationships.

“For instance, it appears that some abusers take advantage of internalized homophobia to control their partners. When we were planning our research, we thought that sexual aggressors could do something similar, and there was some qualitative research (interviews with LGBTQ people about their unwanted sexual experiences) backing that up.

“It’s important to note that internalized stigma is not something to be ashamed of. It’s an almost unavoidable consequence of having any stigmatized identity, but most people find positive ways to cope with it.”

For research references, see Sources.

What is internalized transphobia?

Internalized transphobia may occur at a higher rate than internalized homophobia, research suggests. In a 2016 study, transgender participants reported higher rates of discrimination, depression symptoms, and suicide attempts than cisgender LGB participants. Among transgender people, depression symptoms were associated with a lack of self-acceptance around identity, researchers wrote (Transgender Health).

Transgender, gender nonconforming, and genderqueer people experience pressure from multiple sources. “According to research, stressors include being bullied at school and work, reduced access to housing, loss of friends and family, physical violence, harassment and assault, and reduced medical access,” says Joleen Nevers, sexuality educator at the University of Connecticut.

Gabe Murchison:
“Trans students report facing more discrimination on campus than their cisgender LGBQ peers. Trans students deal with a number of challenges that don’t affect cisgender LGB students, like difficulty accessing housing and restrooms that match their gender. School policies may have a serious impact: Transgender people denied access to these facilities are more likely to have attempted suicide.

“On average, trans students also seem to have a weaker sense of community on campus, even though they’re equally involved in groups and leadership activities.”

For research references, see Sources.

What did researchers look at?

Gabe Murchison:
“We surveyed about 700 LGBQ college students at hundreds of colleges and universities, using questions that measured their levels of internalized homophobia and their sense of LGBTQ community on campus. We also asked them about some things that are related to sexual violence risk among heterosexual women, including how many romantic and sexual partners they’d had during college. Finally, we asked them about different types of unwanted sexual experiences they may have had, and about how and with whom those experiences happened. We used this data to look at three big questions:

“First, is sexual violence against LGBTQ undergraduates basically similar to what heterosexual, cisgender women tend to experience? While those women’s experiences vary, common themes include assault while incapacitated by alcohol or drugs; assault or coercion by a dating partner; and initially consensual hookups that end in assault. I guessed that LGBTQ students would report similar experiences, but many people assume that ‘hate crime’ attacks play a big role, so it was an open question.
“Second, do LGBTQ students have unique experiences that affect their risk of sexual violence?
“Third, we knew very little about gender: Do LBQ women tend to be assaulted by men, women, or both? What about GBQ men? And what about people with a non-binary gender? That would help us understand whether this violence tends to take place within LGBTQ relationships or communities, or whether it’s mostly perpetrated by heterosexuals.”

How different is trans students’ experience?

“Technically, our study was about sexual orientation, not gender. However, many transgender students are also LGBQ. In my sample and another recent study by the Asssociation of American Universities, transgender students experienced the highest rates of sexual assault and coercion.

“Trans students report facing more discrimination on campus than non-trans LGBQ peers. Some students are even targeted for sexual assault because they are trans. On average, trans students also seem to have a weaker sense of community on campus. We don’t know how transgender stigma on campus relates to sexual assault and coercion, but given the high rates of both discrimination and sexual violence, the question deserves more attention.”

How can we support LGBTQ students?

“We researched how feeling that you belong to a community affects the incidence of sexual assault. A strong sense of LGBTQ community is beneficial, potentially because it helps people deal with internalized homophobia and transphobia.

“The peer education program I worked with in college is based on the idea that changing how students think about sexuality, sexual pressure, and even ‘going out’ can make sexually aggressive behavior harder to get away with and help all students feel more empowered.”

How can schools help?

“Campus programming sets the tone for LGBTQ students and straight, cisgender students,” says Gabe Murchison. The following approaches can help build an inclusive community, he says:

Health services should use inclusive language—like “students who need a Pap test” instead of “women who need a Pap test,” since some transgender students will need that service as well.
All programming should include LGBTQ students among its examples.
Health, sexuality, and sexual violence workshops should feature characters with gender-neutral names and point out that both consensual sex and sexual violence can occur in any gender combination.

What if there isn't a strong LGBTQ community?

Gabe Murchison:
“It’s important to have friends who support your sexual orientation or the fact that you’re transgender—but that doesn’t mean they have to be LGBTQ. Many LGBTQ students make their closest friends through athletics, Greek life, arts, religious organizations, or housing assignments. For some, most or all of those friends are straight and cisgender.

“Since LGBTQ people are just as diverse as any other group, it’s very likely that you’ll meet like-minded LGBTQ friends throughout your life, even if you don’t fit in with the LGBTQ students you’ve met on campus.”

What's the rate of sexual assault and coercion among LGBTQ students?

Gabe Murchison:
“There are not a ton of data on LGBTQ undergraduates specifically. From what exists, it appears that:

“Gay, bi, and queer men are at higher risk than other men (but still at lower risk than women).
“Lesbian, bi, and queer women seem to be at similar or slightly higher risk compared to other women.
“Transgender students, particularly those with non-binary gender identities (not exclusively male or female), seem to be at higher risk than cisgender students.”

For research references, see Sources.

“‘Queer’ is how respondents self-identified. Thirteen percent of my sample described their sexual orientation as queer. The term has been adopted by the major US advocacy organizations and is used in some (not all) research on this population.”

What cultural problems did you identify in your peer work?

“Some students who wanted to make friends with other LGBTQ people felt like the only way to do that was to be part of a hookup scene. That led to them having consensual sex they didn’t really want and sometimes made them targets for coercion. Also, some people talked about experiencing sexual aggression when they were newly out and thinking maybe that was normal or acceptable among LGBTQ people—because they didn’t yet have many LGBTQ friends to discuss it with.”

How did you aim to build a safer culture?

Create nonsexual spaces and conversations
“We decided that building a stronger sense of community could help. First, we got LGBTQ student leaders on board to help change the way people in their circles talked about hooking up, and also to be intentionally welcoming to younger students. Second, we started hosting LGBTQ events that were not at all sexualized—like a fantastic pie-baking event that’s become an annual tradition. Third, we made sure that the more sexualized spaces were still low-pressure. For example, after an LGBTQ dance, we showed Mean Girls until 3 a.m. People loved it, and it showed that you can go out and dance without ending the night in someone’s bed.”

How can all students reach out to LGBTQ peers?

Check in with friends and younger students
“Checking in is really valuable. If someone is in an intense relationship and you’re not sure if it’s good-intense or bad-intense, you can ask some open-ended questions like, ‘How are things with Ryan?’ Even if everything is fine, they’ll feel supported. Reaching out to younger or newly out students can be especially effective. They may be particularly vulnerable to sexual assault, or just plain loneliness.”

Pay attention to who seems left out
“Some students don’t participate in the LGBTQ community because they feel excluded—most visible LGBTQ social groups might be mostly white, mostly a particular gender, mostly secular. Also, not all LGBTQ communities are great at supporting transgender, non-binary, or bisexual students. Set an example by learning more about being bi- and trans-inclusive, and asking your friends to do the same.”

More ways for students to be allies to LGBTQ peers?

Gabe Murchison:
“Do your best not to assume someone is heterosexual or cisgender. My college had a dance where first-year students set up dates for the people they live with. Some people made a point of asking each suitemate about their gender preferences for the date. For some LGBQ people, that was the first time they felt comfortable coming out to the people they lived with.

“Be an advocate. Student affairs staff often take students’ opinions seriously. These staff can affect the decision-making process on issues that affect LGBTQ students, like funding an LGBTQ center or creating mixed-gender housing options. If you know LGBTQ students on your campus are advocating for this type of goal, you can write or talk to student affairs staff and explain why you feel it’s important.

“Speak up. If an LGBTQ person (or anyone else) hears stigmatizing comments all the time, they may be too afraid or frustrated to address them. Try to respectfully but firmly shoot down any anti-LGBTQ remarks you hear.”

Get help or find out more

Sexual assault is never the fault of the survivor. Become familiar with your campus and community resources. Campus resources for survivors of coercion and/or sexual assault include the counseling center, student health center, women’s center, and sexual assault center. Community resources include rape or sexual assault crisis centers and hotlines.

LGBTQ hotline and meetup groups: Trevor Project

How to support a male friend: 1in6

Help for survivors: National Sexual Assault Hotline and Online Hotline
1.800.656.HOPE

Guide for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse: Colorado State University

Find local services and other resources: NotAlone.gov

Student activists who are survivors of sexual violence: Know Your IX

National campus safety organization: Clery Center for Security on Campus

Sexual violence resources: National Sexual Violence Resource Center

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Article sources

Gabe Murchison, senior research manager, Human Rights Campaign. Murchison’s master’s thesis (not yet published) was advised by Melanie Boyd, PhD, assistant dean of student affairs at Yale University, and John Pachankis, PhD, associate professor of epidemiology at Yale School of Public Health.

Joleen Nevers, MA Ed, CHES, AASECT Certified Secondary Education, sexuality educator, health education coordinator, University of Connecticut.

Association of American Universities. (2015). AAU Campus Survey of Sexual Assault and Sexual Misconduct. Retrieved from https://www.aau.edu/Climate-Survey.aspx?id=16525

Bockting, W. O., Miner, M. H., Swinburne Romine, R. E., Hamilton, A., et al. (2013). Stigma, mental health, and resilience in an online sample of the US transgender population. American Journal of Public Health, 103(5), 943–951. Retrieved from https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/abs/10.2105/AJPH.2013.301241

Braun, V., Schmidt, J., Gavey, N., & Fenaughty, J. (2009). Sexual coercion among gay and bisexual men in Aotearoa/New Zealand. Journal of Homosexuality, 56(3), 336-360

Centers for Disease Control. (2010). National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: An overview of 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/cdc_nisvs_victimization_final-a.pdf

D’Augelli, A. R., Grossman, A. H., & Starks, M. T. (2006). Childhood gender atypicality, victimization, and PTSD among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 21(11), 1462–1482.

Dugan, J. P., Kusel, M., L., & Simounet, D. M. (2012). Transgender college students: An exploratory study of perceptions, engagement, and educational outcomes. Journal of College Student Development, 53(5), 719–736.

Edwards, K. M., Sylaska, K. M., Barry, J. E., Moynihan, M. M., et al. (2015). Physical dating violence, sexual violence, and unwanted pursuit victimization: A comparison of incidence rates among sexual-minority and heterosexual college students. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 30(4), 580-600.

Grant, J. M., Mottet, L. A., & Tanis, J. (2011). Injustice at every turn: A report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. Washington: National Center for Transgender Equality and National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. Retrieved from https://www.thetaskforce.org/static_html/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_full.pdf

Haas, A. P., & Rodgers, P. L. (2014). Suicide attempts among transgender and gender non-conforming adults: Findings of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention; Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law.

Hines, D. A., Armstrong, J. L., Reed, K. P., & Cameron, A. Y. (2012). Gender differences in sexual assault victimization among college students. Violence and Victims, 27(6), 922-940.

Karlsen, S., & Nazroo, J. Y. (2002). The relation between racial discrimination, social class, and health among ethnic minority groups. American Journal Public Health, 92(4), 624–631. Retrieved from https://www.aleciashepherd.com/writings/articles/other/Relation%20between%20racial%20discrimination%20social%20class.pdf

Martin, S. L., Fisher, B. S., Warner, T. D., Krebs, C. P., et al. (2011). Women’s sexual orientations and their experiences of sexual assault before and during university. Women’s Health Issues, 21(3), 199-205.

Menning, C. L., & Holtzman, M. (2013). Processes and patterns in gay, lesbian, and bisexual sexual assault: A multimethodological assessment. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 0886260513506056.

Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674–697. Retrieved from https://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=search.displayRecord&uid=2003-99991-002

Student Health 101 survey, February 2016.

Su, D., Irwin, J. A., Fisher, C., Ramos, A., et al. (2016). Mental health disparities within the LGBT population: A comparison between transgender and nontransgender individuals. Transgender Health, 1(1), 12–20. Retrieved from https://online.liebertpub.com/doi/full/10.1089/trgh.2015.0001

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01 NovCommunicationFeaturedFriendshipsMental healthMindRelationshipsSexual assault and harassment

Being stalked? 8 ways to help a friend

by Evan Walker-Wells0 Comments

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What are we talking about when we talk about stalking? The word has become a reference to nosing around each other’s Facebook timelines—or to unhealthy but not persistent choices, like that one miserable weekend when you drove past your ex’s place three times. We’re not here to talk about those. We’re talking about patterns of behaviors that cause substantial emotional distress to another person and may seriously compromise their sense of safety. Sometimes, these behaviors escalate to attempted sexual assault or other kinds of violence.

Stalking is more common on campuses than off, studies show. It is widely underreported and can affect anyone. “Most stalking is by men of women, but men can be stalked too,” says Detective Mark Kurkowski of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department’s Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri. Students who are transgender, genderqueer, or gender nonconforming may be especially vulnerable, a 2015 survey suggests (AAU Climate Survey on Sexual Assault and Sexual Misconduct).

Although stalking is a crime in all 50 states, it is often missed or minimized—even by people whose lives are disrupted by it. See Students’ stories; Stalking it over (next page).

Would you recognize stalking?

Most definitions of stalking come from the Violence Against Women Act and its 2013 reauthorization. “Stalking’ means engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to (A) fear for his or her safety or the safety of others, or (B) suffer substantial emotional distress.”

Two things are important about this, experts say:

Stalking is a “course” of conduct; a pattern of unwanted behaviors. It may include persistent texts and calls, online harassment, physically or digitally tracking or following the targeted person, and more.
This legal standard judges the effects of stalking—a person’s fear for their safety or substantial emotional distress. People sometimes get caught up on the question of what constitutes “substantial emotional distress,” says Jennifer Landhuis, director of social change at the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. “Does substantial emotional distress mean they have to go to counseling? No, it could be changing how they go to classes, feeling like they have to look over their shoulder—that kind of stuff.”

What stalking may look like

This list of stalking behaviors comes from the Stalking Resource Center, a collaboration between the National Center for Victims of Crime and the US Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women. Stalking does not necessarily involve all of these behaviors.

Follow you and show up wherever you are
Send unwanted gifts, letters, cards, or emails
Damage your home, car, or other property
Monitor your phone calls or computer use
Use technology to track you
Drive by or hang out at your home, school, or work
Threaten to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets
Find out about you via public records, online searches, contacting your friends or family, and other methods
Posting information about you or spreading rumors about you online or in public
Other actions that control, track, or frighten you

Why stalking can be difficult to spot

We may not recognize stalking or be reluctant to label it.
Here are some of the reasons:

Stalking may criminalize otherwise noncriminal behaviors
It may be difficult to understand why someone is frightened by the gifts they are receiving.
Stalking involves actions that may have a specific but not apparent meaning
The implicit threat in some actions may be understood only by the offender and victim. Those actions could include going into the targeted person’s home or room in their absence and moving things around.
Some stalking-type feelings and behaviors are normal
“Normal brain development continues till you’re 25, so some of that behavior that happens in pursuit of a dating relationship is typical,” says Jennifer Landhuis, the director of social change at the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. “That can get confusing when you’re asking whether you’re following someone, whether you’re texting them too much. How do we decide when it passes the line and goes into stalking? That depends on the person who’s experiencing it. Is that behavior scary?”
Stalking often intersects with other abuses
When stalking intersects with intimate partner abuse or sexual violence, it is more easily missed, says Detective Mark Kurkowski of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department’s Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri.

Who's being stalked and by whom

People aged 18–24 experience the highest rates of being stalked (Bureau of Justice, 2009).
In a 2015 study of sexual misconduct on campuses, the undergraduates most likely to have been stalked while in college were transgender, gender nonconforming, and genderqueer (12 percent) (AAU Climate Survey on Sexual Assault and Sexual Misconduct). Four percent of students overall, and seven percent of female undergraduates, reported that they had been stalked in college.
In another study of college students, one in four women (25 percent) and one in ten men (11 percent) had been stalked at some point in their lives (Violence and Victims, 2000).
Most victims know their stalker: In the 2015 college survey, 40 percent said their stalker was a friend or acquaintance, and 24 percent said it was someone they had dated or a former sexual partner.
Stalkers who are the current or former partners of their victim are more likely to physically approach the victim, are more insulting and threatening, are more likely to use a weapon, are more likely to escalate quickly, and are more likely to reoffend (Journal of Forensic Science, 2006).

What to do if your obsessive thoughts about someone else are driving your behavior

Don’t be that person: How to handle your obsessive thoughts

Therapeutic approaches

If you have engaged in stalking behaviors, you could benefit from developing your interpersonal and social skills.

You would likely also benefit from an emotional health evaluation. Stalking can overlap with conditions such as depression, substance abuse, and personality issues, which may be alleviated or managed through treatment and support.

Next steps

Make an appointment with your campus counseling center or a therapist based in the community; request help finding a counselor who has expertise in obsessive thoughts and behaviors
Try a support group, such as Co-Dependents Anonymous
If you have addiction issues, ask at your counseling center about relevant resources
Confide in a close friend or mentor, if possible: Ask them to help you keep things in perspective, steer you away from recurring thoughts, and fill your time with other activities
Seek out distractions: sign up for a team, club, or extracurricular

+ Co-Dependents Anonymous

Therapy for obsessive thoughts and behaviors
Appropriate therapy for stalking-related issues involves you working individually with a clinician. The approach is guided by your mindset and the underlying issue (for example, whether you are struggling with rejection, social awkwardness, or delusional thinking). The therapeutic work may include:

A mental health assessment and treatment if indicated (for example, medication may help with false beliefs)
Cognitive behavioral therapy and/or motivational interviewing to build more realistic perceptions and empathic perspectives (for example, understanding how your behavior affects the other person)
Programming to enhance your interpersonal and social skills, such as expanding social activities

Looking back: what I did, why I did it, how I stopped

Stalking-type behaviors can show up in students who are not yet well-adjusted to the dating environment of college. Behaviors such as excessive texting may not reflect malign intent or emotional illness. Students making this mistake are in many cases open to hearing from peers, an RA, or a staff or faculty member about how their behaviors are being perceived and experienced by others.

“I followed her social media closely and thought about her a lot. It was difficult to not call her (and I often did it late at night after drinking...which I regret). Taking better care of my own mental and physical self would have helped. Counseling would probably have helped too. It was a close friend who got me through all that.”
—Male third-year undergraduate, Johns Hopkins University, Maryland

“I was feeling lovesick after a breakup. Nothing malicious, but I found myself wanting to hang out in areas where they might be, and search for them online. Therapy helped, as did finding constructive ways to distract myself.”
—Female third-year undergraduate, Sonoma State University, California

“I have intentionally loitered or taken a certain route in hopes of running into a certain person. I could have managed my feelings more constructively by doing something more productive with my time, and accepting that the person was probably bored of our conversations.”
—Female fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario

“The first few times when you fall in love, you won’t know how to deal with these feelings. These are mistakes anyone can make, especially those who have deep ingrained trust issues.”
—Male, fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario

“I wanted to be closer friends with this person, and the thought of that person being happy with other people made a little sad. I have a ‘need to be needed’ so that may have influenced the desire to give that particular person lots of gifts. I didn’t do anything else. It was a valuable learning experience in terms of interpersonal relationships and how to manage them. It also allowed me to slightly empathize with those who are currently similar to that ‘Past-Me.’”
—Female fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario

8 ways to help a friend who’s being stalked

Chances are your friend isn’t quoting the Violence Against Women Act. They may not even use the word “stalking.” Even so, it’s important to take seriously initial concerns about stalking behaviors, and to act early, says Detective Mark Kurkowski, of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department’s Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri. “Respond to stalking cases before [they involve] violent threats or [run to] years of stalking,” he says. Here’s how to do that:

1. Listen to your friend’s story and believe it

Allow them to tell their story the way they want to tell it. Do not underestimate how powerful listening is.

“Allow them to tell their story the way they want to tell it,” says Jennifer Landhuis of the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. Do not underestimate how powerful listening is. “Sometimes the trauma will make them minimize what’s been happening, because they’re in the middle of it. That outside touchstone can make a big difference.”

2. Recognize that you are not in a position to say what they should do

All the methods they’ve tried have failed.

… or what you think they should have done to make the stalking behavior stop. “By the time stalking victims are reaching out and telling people about what’s going on, all the methods they’ve tried have failed,” says Landhuis.

3. Consider their full context and situation

As their friend, you’ll have some idea of what other challenges they may be facing; the stalking might be one part of a difficult semester.

Your friend is your friend, not just a stalking victim. As their friend, you’ll have some idea what other challenges they may be facing; the stalking might be one part of a difficult semester. All the pressures and challenges in their life are important in how you think about helping. “Unless you try to consider everything they come to the table with, you might not be able to help,” says Landhuis.

4. Help them explore their options and access to resources

Stalking resources are less familiar to most of us than sexual assault; options are available on and off campus.

Although many of us are learning what resources exist for people affected by sexual assault and domestic violence, stalking resources are less well known.

If the victim or others is (or feels) threatened with violence, call the police. “Whenever you have a credible threat, law enforcement should be involved,” says Det. Kurkowski.

Check out the reporting, advocate support, and counseling options on campus. A good place to start is your campus counseling center or public safety/security office. Even if the stalking is also reported to the police, the school has responsibilities under Title IX. Look for a campus advocate, such as a residence assistant or someone in school administration, like the Title IX office. Your job as a friend may be finding which advocate on campus is best equipped to help. Advocates on campus can help in various ways:

Accessing accommodations, such as getting the person being stalked into a different residence hall or classes
Taking action through the school’s disciplinary process, and/or going to the police, with a view to interventions such as no contact orders. “Sometimes campus stalking codes are stricter than state law, and the university can hold the offender accountable in a number of ways, like suspension,” says Det. Kurkowski. “And just because you’re going to talk to someone about it doesn’t mean it’s going to get reported to law enforcement.” (Before reporting to a campus authority, ask about the school’s policies and procedures for involving local law enforcement.)

5. Activate your friend network

Check out these 4 ways to harness the power of your social network.

Social networks are powerful. Here’s how to harness that power:

When someone who’s been stalked talks to a friend, they may find someone who’s been through the same thing and knows what to do, says Det. Kurkowski.

If you know people who are friends with the stalker, they might be able to help. Landhuis says, “You can absolutely engage whatever peer group might have influence on the person who’s conducting the behavior.”

Help protect the victim’s privacy. It’s not realistic to ask your friend to get off social media, but you can be very aware of how you use your own. “What kinds of information is the victim or their friends sharing?” asks Landhuis. “Often a stalker finds out where a victim is because the victim’s friends have posted on social media that they’re going out.” To strip online posts of automatic location information, search “how to disable geotagging on [phone make/model].”

Actively support your friend’s safety when you’re together. If you’re heading to a bar with your friend who’s been stalked, ask your crew, “How are we going to keep an eye on them? What kinds of bystander supports are going to keep our friend feeling safe?”

6. Make a safety plan and check out safety apps

Safety plans and apps can help.

“In any stalking situation, you should be doing safety planning,” Det. Kurkowski says. Safety plans use what a victim knows about a stalker to reduce the risk of harm to themselves and those around them. For example, avoid places where the stalker tends to hang out; if the stalker shows up, have a safe exit plan ready. In addition, look for evaluated safety apps that can address your friend’s needs.

7. Document the pattern of stalking

This is essential to any disciplinary process or police report.

“Documentation is key—whether it be text messages, emails, Facebook postings, whatever. Don’t erase anything, don’t delete anything, make sure there’s a way to prove that this happened over a period of time,” says Det. Kurkowski. Take screenshots of social media posts and learn how to download a copy of Facebook messages.

8. Help others understand what stalking is

Avoid using language that minimizes how harmful and dangerous stalking can be.

Some victims minimize the behaviors that threaten their safety, or blame themselves. In that case, look at those behaviors: Is someone following them around, tracking them somehow, or not taking “no” for an answer? “Many people who don’t use the word ‘stalking’ will say, ‘That is happening to me,’” says Landhuis. “Help to educate your friend. What does stalking look like, what does it feel like, what does it sound like?”

Get help or find out more

Your school’s stalking policies may be included in its sexual harassment and assault policies.
Your Title IX office, public safety/security office, and/or counseling center can provide resources and support.

Comprehensive info and tools: Stalking Resource Center

Make a safety plan: Stalking Resource Center

Reduce your online exposure: SafeShepherd

Find help with technological abuse: Safety Net Project

Tools for tech safety and privacy: National Network to End Domestic Violence

Prevent and address online harassment: Speak Up & Stay Safe(r)

Spot the early red flags: WebMD

How to stop obsessing: PsychCentral

[survey_plugin] Article sources

Mark Kurkowski, detective, Domestic Abuse Response Team, St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department, Missouri.

Jennifer Landhuis, director, Social Change, the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence.

Baum, K., Catalano, S., & Rand, M. (2009). Stalking victimization in the United States. Washington, DC: Bureau of Justice Statistics.

Bierregaard, B. (2000). An empirical study of stalking victimization. Violence and Victims, 15(4), 389–406.

Borchard, T. (2015). Some ideas to help stop obsessing. Psychcentral.com. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/11/11/some-ideas-to-help-stop-obsessing/

Breiding, M. J. , Smith, S. G., Basile, K. C., Walters, M. L., et al. (2014). Prevalence and characteristics of sexual violence, stalking, and intimate partner violence victimization–National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, United States, 2011. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 63(8), 1–18.

Clery Center. (n.d.). VAWA Amendments to Clery | Clery Center for Security on Campus. Retrieved from https://clerycenter.org/article/vawa-amendments-clery

Day, E. (2013, February 17.) The stalking cure: How to rehabilitate a stalker. The Guardian. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/feb/17/how-to-rehabilitate-a-stalker

Friedman, J., Sarkeesian, A., & Sherman, R. B. (2016). Speak Up & Stay Safe(r): – A Guide to Protecting Yourself From Online Harassment. FeministFrequency.com. Retrieved from
https://onlinesafety.feministfrequency.com/en/

Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. (n.d.). Our Gender Revolution Campaign | Engaging Voices. Retrieved from
https://www.idvsa.org/national-teen-dating-violence-awareness-prevention-month/

Knoll, J., & Resnick, P. J. (2007). Stalking intervention. Current Psychiatry, 6(5), 30–38. Retrieved from https://www.upstate.edu/psych/pdf/education/fellowships/stalking_intervention.pdf

MacKenzie, R. D., & James, D. V. (2011). Management and treatment of stalkers: Problems, options, and solutions. Behavioral Sciences and the Law. DOI: 10.1002/bsl.980.
Retrieved from https://www.fixatedthreat.com/perch/resources/mackenzie-james-2011-management-and-treatment.pdf

Meloy, J. R. (1997). The clinical risk management of stalking. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 51, 174–184.

Mohandie, K., Meloy, J. R., McGowan, M. G., & Williams, J. (2006). The RECON typology of stalking: Reliability and validity based upon a large sample of North American stalkers. Journal of Forensic Science, 51(1), 147–155.

Mullen, P., Mackenzie, R., & Ogloff, J.R, (2006). Assessing and managing the risks in the stalking situation. Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law, 34, 439–450.

Muller, R. T. (2013, June 22). In the mind of a stalker. PsychologyToday.com. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/talking-about-trauma/201306/in-the-mind-stalker

National Center for Victims of Crime. (n.d.-a). Stalking Resource Center. Retrieved from https://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center

National Center for Victims of Crime. (n.d.-b). Tips for Victims. Retrieved from https://www.victimsofcrime.org/docs/default-source/src/tips-for-victims-2015.pdf?sfvrsn=0

National Network to End Domestic Violence. (n.d.-a). Safety Net Project. Retrieved from https://nnedv.org/projects/safetynet.html

National Network to End Domestic Violence. (n.d.-b). TechSafety.org. Retrieved from https://techsafety.org/

Stalking Resource Center. (n.d.). The model stalking policy. Victimsofcrime.org. Retrieved from
https://www.victimsofcrime.org/docs/default-source/src/the-model-stalking-policy.pdf?sfvrsn=6

US Congress. (2013). Federal Register | Violence Against Women Act. Retrieved from https://www.federalregister.gov/articles/2014/10/20/2014-24284/violence-against-women-act

Victim Connect. (n.d.). Stalking. Retrieved from https://victimconnect.org/crime-resources/stalking/

Walters, M. L., Chen, J., & Breiding, M. J. (2013). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 Findings on Victimization by Sexual Orientation. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_sofindings.pdf

Zitek, B. (2002). What to do if you—or a patient—is a victim of stalking. Current Psychiatry, 1(3), 34–40.

01 AprCommunicationFeaturedRelationshipsRomantic relationshipsSexual cultureSexual health

Let’s talk about sex: How to share what you both want

by Evan Walker-Wells0 Comments

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What makes a romantic or sexual encounter great? What do people want out of hookups? Everyone has their own answers—like physical pleasure, feeling connected to their partner, or developing a relationship. One quality, though, is fundamental to all good encounters: mutual desire.

So how can you make your sexual experiences more like your fantasies?

By emphasizing desire and what you both truly want
By focusing on quality, not quantity

“Unsexy sex” refers to sexual encounters in which one or both partners are in it for unsexy reasons—such as a sense of obligation, an urge to fit in, or a need to prove something. Good sex is based in genuine desire—the difference between a reluctant yes and an exuberant yes!

In a sexual or romantic encounter, talking or expressing desire doesn’t ruin the mood. Just the opposite—this can bring about some of the sexiest moments. These five steps will help you communicate in ways that deepen the pleasure or connection for you and your partner.

Trust your body language
(+ clarifying affirmative consent)

Why body language works
One of the most important things about communication is how basic it is. As two-year-olds, most of us learn to interpret agreement, refusal, and ambiguity. And we only get better at it over time. We’re very good at interpreting—and giving—signs. These may be in words, tone of voice, or body language.

What does that have to do with romance and sex? If you think you’re making it clear with your body, tone, or words that you do or don’t want something, the person you’re talking to or hooking up with can almost certainly tell.

Humans are highly skilled at understanding acceptance and rejection in sexual and non-sexual contexts, according to researchers. “There are indeed miscommunications in sexual activity (as in all of life), and those miscommunications can certainly get in the way of fulfilling, pleasurable experiences. But they do not cause rape or assault,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean in student affairs at Yale University.

Clarifying affirmative consent
Sometimes, people dismiss the idea of communicating about the different parts of a physical encounter as a series of awkward questions: “May I put my hand on your leg? What about on your belly?” But this denies how we communicate during sex. The vast majority of people pick up on and respond to their partners’ signals. And when people ask outright, it only opens partners up to talk about what they want. This is far from a series of clinical questions or doctor’s checklist.

So trust your body language—and think about how to use it to express what you want. Your might place your partner’s hand where you want to be touched. You might create more space between your bodies and take a moment to talk. You might get closer and talk a little less.

All communication skills can be impaired by alcohol and other substances. If you are unsure whether or not the other person (or you) is able to give consent, call a halt. Mutually enthusiastic sex can be rescheduled.

What if understanding nonverbal language doesn’t come easily?

Some people have genuine difficulty interpreting nonverbal language and social cues. This has implications for establishing mutual sexual consent.

What to say to your partner if understanding body language is hard for you
“I don’t always pick up on body language, so if I misunderstand you, it’s not intentional. Please tell me directly what you want and what you don’t want.”

What to say to your partner if understanding body language is hard for them
“Let’s be direct, so we’re sure to understand each other. I’ll tell you what I want and what I don’t want. What do you want?”

How misunderstandings can happen
“This is mainly about the ability to read other people’s intentions and thoughts,” says Dr. Isabelle Hénault, a sexologist and psychologist based in Montreal, Quebec. “Especially with individuals with Asperger syndrome or other autism conditions, they rarely act out with a negative intention. Any problems are most likely about misreading situations.”

+ Why consent is like a cup of tea

Get help developing sexual communication skills

How to communicate clearly
When one or both people have difficulty interpreting body language and other nonverbal cues, “be very concrete, very explicit, very clear,” says Michael Glenn, a clinical social worker and sex educator based in Massachusetts. He recommends disclosing a relevant diagnosis. “I really believe that at this point in time, enough is known about Asperger’s. You may as well label it and discuss it more openly, and make it sound interesting.”

How to develop sexual communication skills
For people who struggle with interpreting social cues, intimate communication skills are best learned with support from a clinician, says Glenn: “They really need a professional who they can talk to in an ongoing way.” Therapists and their clients use role-playing and scripting to build skills. Pornography does not represent social norms or rules, and should not be used as a guide.

+ Seek support from Adult Services at the Asperger/Autism Network [AANE]

Talk about your desires (& theirs)

Express your desire
Expressing desire is about showing your own enthusiasm—and it’s about shaping a hookup or encounter for the better. Whether you’re looking for pleasure, a feeling of connectedness, or something else, communication is essential. Expressing your own desire helps your partner understand what you’re looking for, and it’s a chance to talk or figure out together what you each want.

In a recent poll by Student Health 101, more than half the respondents (53 percent) said that what makes them feel most desired is their partner telling them “I care about you” or “I desire you.”

Ask what they want
Talking is key, whether you’re going for physical pleasure, trying new things, feeling connected, empowered, or sexy, or something else. “Furthering the conversation in a positive way is fun,” Twanna A. Hines, the sex writer behind the Funky Brown Chick blog and Twitter account, told Student Health 101. Try questions like these, she says: “What are you into? What’s the hottest thing you’ve ever tried?”

Enthusiastic consent
Sometimes this shared excitement is called enthusiastic consent. This is the idea that when people engage in sexual activity, it’s not simply that you both agree to do it—it is something you both actively want. Focusing on your partner’s enthusiasm and finding where your desires overlap makes any encounter better.

“The ideal is a genuinely mutual, engaged, connected encounter that’s working for both people,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, who runs programming designed to create a more positive sexual and romantic culture at Yale University.

Listen, don’t assume

Listening is always better than assuming
Discussing your desires can feel intimidating. But remember—you are not a mind reader and neither is your partner. Every person comes into a sexual encounter with different goals and experiences. To get to shared desire and enthusiasm, it’s important to be attentive to your partner.

“Hooking up with someone from another country, you know there might be differences you don’t expect, so it’ll be important to communicate well,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean in student affairs at Yale University. “That’s likely to also be true of people whose values and experiences you think you already know.”

When it makes sense to be wary—and when it doesn’t
Listen to your partner. As you signal that you’re open to learning about their desires and what feels good to them, they should respond in kind. If they don’t—pay attention to that. And if your partner stops responding, check in and make sure they’re still OK with this. Remember: quality, not quantity.

Don’t worry about seeming inexperienced or wide-eyed. This kind of open communication will make an encounter more pleasurable, more mutual, more connected.

Talk about the basics ahead of time
Assumptions about what your partner might want are just as likely to prevent mutual engagement and pleasure. And while much communication around desire happens through body language, often things like whether to have sex, or how to do it, need to be talked through. Before you begin a sexual encounter, discuss consent, contraception, and sexually transmitted infections, says sex writer Twanna A. Hines. These conversations can help put people at ease.

To treat your partner as you would want to be treated, go into an encounter trying to understand what they’re looking for and how they want to get there.

Know what you want

Know what you’re looking for
Thinking about what you want out of an encounter or relationship, and about how you express desire, can help you feel clearer and more confident to pursue what you want.

“The research shows that so many young people are dissatisfied with their sex lives because they don’t understand it’s about quality, not quantity,” Jaclyn Friedman, an activist and a survivor of sexual assault, told Student Health 101. “Let go of the idea that sex is an accomplishment, something to collect, a commodity that we trade in, something one person gives up and the other person gets.”

Prioritize two-way communication
It’s important to look for partners with whom you can communicate in ways that work for both of you. Just as you’ll want to signal that you’re open to hearing what their desires are, you should look for partners who make you feel you can share and discuss your desires with them.

People who don’t seem to pay attention to what you want, who disregard your feelings, are unlikely to be ideal partners. And if you can find someone who values pleasure, mutuality, and emotional connection in ways that you do, or make you think about how you value those things—even if it’s only a one-time thing—then you’re on your way to creating more ideal encounters.

“Unsexy sex” refers to sexual experiences that are consensual but not pleasurable or enthusiastic for everyone involved. The term comes from Dr. Nicola Gavey, professor of psychology at the University of Auckland, who researches the ways that cultural norms influence sexual behavior.

Take the pressure off: Dos & don’ts

Ground rules

Know what sounds like pressure
In discussing with a partner what you want out of an encounter, it’s important that you don’t pressure them. After all, an ideal encounter is marked by mutual desire and enthusiasm.

Discuss the ground rules
Discuss ground rules: what you want to try, what you don’t want to try, what you might want to try, and maybe safe words as well. (See below.) “Asking open-ended questions—‘How do we have a lot of fun?’—communicates boundaries and seeks to provide pleasure for both parties,” says Twanna A. Hines of the Funky Brown Chick blog.

If you or they want to “give up control”
Exploring sexual roles involving dominance and submission, to whatever degree, plays on the idea that someone has given up control over their own body and desire. That idea is part of the game, but is not the reality. This kind of sexual encounter again relies on mutual agreement, clear expectations and boundaries, and safe words that signal when someone needs to stop or do something differently. Explicit communication and earned trust are essential. (A safe word is a word or phrase you would never otherwise use during sex; for example, “glitter bomb”. You agree in advance that it means “Stop right now and check in”.)

Don’t say	Do say
Tell me if anything I do makes you uncomfortable…	Is it okay if I…? What do you want out of tonight?
I’m going to…	What if we tried…? I’d like to do X – would you like that?
Time for us to…	Does this feel good? How can we have a lot of fun?

How students talk about consent

How has a partner (or past partners) let you know they want to have sex or hook up?

“Directly; for example, ‘Do you wanna [insert sexual activity] now?’”
“The look.”
“My [girlfriend] always went straight to the point.”
“Body language.”
“Said to get the condom.”
“They let you know by talking about it ahead of time, almost ‘planning’ it but not exactly. And in that moment, asking you and then following through.”
“By kissing, cuddling, and telling me directly.”

What does “enthusiastic consent” mean to you?

“omg yes take me now”
“Both parties really want to engage in sexual contact. It means they are both asking if it is OK and they are both showing that it is clearly what they want. The word ‘yes’ is crucial here.”
“I think it means that not only do you and your partner agree on a particular sex act, but you are both excited about engaging in it.”
“It means that ongoing communication happens between both parties before/during/after sex, and that anyone can say no to anything at any time without repercussions.”
“Clear, continuous positive engagement in whatever sexual activity is going on (not necessarily verbal).”
“‘Do you want to have sex?’ ‘Heck yeah!’”

Source: Student Health 101 survey, December 2015

Get help or find out more

Sexual empowerment webinars & info: Amy Jo Goddard

What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame–Free Guide to Sex and Safety: Jaclyn Friedman
Seal Press, 2011

Be the change you want to see: Reid Mihalko

Brochures on sexual culture: Yale University

Find local sexual assault services and other resources: NotAlone.gov

Support with consent skills (contact Adult Services): Asperger/Autism Network [AANE]

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01 MarFeaturedSexual assault and harassmentSexual culture

How to take back the night in 6 steps

by Evan Walker-Wells0 Comments

Reading Time: < 1 minute

Rate this article and enter to win
If you have ever attended an event designed to raise awareness of sexual assault and abuse, what did you think of it? Did you feel shocked or moved? Motivated to make your community safer? Or maybe it didn’t work for you, and you wished it had been handled differently.

Events on this theme—like Take Back the Night, Walk a Mile in Her Shoes, and the Clothesline Project—are designed to build a more positive climate around relationship and gender issues. Many college campuses and other communities host an event like this every year. In a recent survey by Student Health 101, 76 percent of students who responded said they had helped organize at least one of these events or were open to doing so. Addressing any sensitive theme requires us to recognize and avoid certain pitfalls that could undermine the effectiveness of the message. These tactics will help you plan an inclusive and powerful event.

1. Plan early, plan often

More information about planning early

Find your people
Effective events don’t create themselves. Nor are they planned by just one person. Find allies who represent different communities within your campus. See 2. Find your allies.

Talk about your goals for the event
What are you looking to achieve? For example, you might aim to:

Recognize and empower survivors of abuse and assault.
Memorialize or protest specific incidents of assault.
Reach people who have never engaged with this issue before.
Get more people involved in a campus or community program or policy.
Work with administrators to develop campus policy.
Build connections and unity among people who might not normally find each other.

Talk about how you can meet your goals

What key messages are you aiming to convey?
In what ways can you deliver those messages?
Who does your ideal audience include?
How can you engage, inspire, and empower your audience?

Talk about how you can address your key themes
For example:

Create a space in which people feel comfortable talking about their experience of sexual assault or related issues they see in your campus community.
Hold a workshop on sexual empowerment: What this looks like and how to get it.
Brainstorm about how to work as a community to create more positive sexual and social dynamics.
Discuss and rally around proposed changes at your college or university that align with the goals of your event.
Create a more social event in which diverse people feel comfortable and safe together.

Should it be a Take Back the Night event, or another event?
Among sexual assault awareness events, Take Back the Night is the most well known “brand”. Consequently, some people may have certain expectations for what it should be. But planning a Take Back the Night event isn’t very different from planning any other event meant to discuss sexual culture and misconduct. As an organizer, it’s on you to figure out what those expectations are, and discuss them. What should change? What shouldn’t? Ultimately, what’s right for your campus?

+ Don’t skip the Take Back the Night planning manual

+ Organize to Walk a Mile in Her Shoes

+ Organize a Slutwalk

+ Start a Clothesline Project

2. Find your allies

More information about finding allies

When you create a more empowered culture on your college campus, everyone benefits. Your event will be far more effective if people from every corner of campus participate and help promote it. Invite other groups to plan and sponsor the event with you.

Look for allies who are:

United by a common desire to create an empowering event
Able to help broaden your audience (for example, by telling an unexpected story, performing music, or involving groups who haven’t been part of this before)
Willing to take on different parts of the planning. What do you and the other organizers need help with?

Look for allies among different campus groups, organizations, and services:

Greek organizations, including social, honor, academic, and service organizations
Campus women’s centers and gender centers
LGBTQ+ groups
Groups representing ethnically and racially diverse students
Cultural houses and centers
Religious and faith-based groups
Residential groups, including RAs, peer educators, and international students
Athletics clubs and teams
Arts-based groups (e.g., drama, visual arts, music)
Campus staff and faculty, such as counselors, victim advocates, or Title IX administrators
Community organizations and services, including high schools

Students’ stories

The importance of inclusion and diversity

In a recent survey by Student Health 101, students recommended ways to make Take Back the Nights more successful. One of their most recurring themes was the importance of diversifying the participant lineup and broadening the audience.

“If I were organizing an event, I would definitely try to find a more diverse group of people to present.”
—Recent graduate, University of New Mexico

“I think the most effective message was the number of people that showed up.”
—Recent graduate, University of New Hampshire

“I would do a poll to see what people wanted to hear about most or who from before choosing the speaker.”
—First-year undergraduate, South Dakota School of Mines and Technology

“The most important thing I saw [at the event] was a community that actively believed in and helped women.”
—Second-year undergraduate, University of Miami, Florida

“I would try to have more outreach as well as include representation from all walks of life, including the LGBTQ community, to show that [sexual assault and misconduct] can happen all the time.”
—Fourth-year online undergraduate, State University of New York, Empire State College

3. Set the right tone

More information about setting the right tone

What kind of tone and mood will help accomplish your goals?
Take Back the Night and similar events can take different moods. An event may be somber (for example, small-group discussions that facilitate spontaneous sharing about personal experiences), or loud (for example, dynamic speakers addressing a sizeable audience).

Include varying stories
Every event on this theme should focus on inclusiveness:

State explicitly early and often that sexual assault and harassment affect many different kinds of people and do not necessarily conform to a familiar narrative.
Everyone whose life has been affected by sexual misconduct has their own story. Your event will become more powerful when different people share different stories.

Plan a cohesive itinerary
Any single event can involve several activities. How will the line-up and order of these various elements affect your audience’s emotional experience?

Find an MC
At the event, you will need to make clear who’s helping to guide it. Your MC is not there to dominate the event, but to set the right tone and keep things going smoothly. Consider:

Who would establish that inclusive tone and messaging?
Who can deal with things not going according to plan?
Who might think about how the order of speakers or subjects could open up the event to certain conversations? These themes might include intimate partner violence, catcalling, people becoming sexually active after bad experiences, or what’s important in your campus community.

Anticipate and address possible ethical and legal implications

Your speakers should be ready and able to convey their experience and message in an effective way. There is always the possibility of unsupportive responses from the audience.
All organizers should be aware of potential legal liabilities, confidentiality issues, and risk management issues. These can be effectively managed.

Ask speakers not to share the names or identifying features of alleged perpetrators.
Talk with your Title IX Coordinator in advance about what happens if a participant discloses an assault. Some faculty and staff are obligated in some circumstances to report possible incidents of sexual assault, and they may attend your event.
Consider your policy on filming or recording the event. It’s not unreasonable to ask people to turn off their cell phones.
Talk with your fellow organizers about possible media coverage. If it’s fellow students who are reporting for a campus publication, it might be easy to set up ground rules with them ahead of time.

+ For guidance, see the TBTN Planning Manual.

Link to other campaigns and events
TBTN or similar events can be a great opportunity to plan other educational events and promote relevant messages on your campus.

“My school was really big on normalizing sex in the first few weeks, so that we could have a very open policy on campus. It was nice to hear that no matter what your opinions are on having sex you were going to be accepted.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Sarah Lawrence College, New York

Set the mood through a cohesive itinerary

“The event featured an improv group. The way they did things by trying to keep the mood light helped me learn about sexual assault prevention better.”
—First-year undergraduate, Johnson & Wales University, Rhode Island

“It’s a serious topic but it doesn’t have to be a talked about in an angry manner. Don’t spout a cause, try to have a conversation.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Portland State University, Oregon

“I think the least effective [element of the event] was using fear messages, because it made people more inclined to look away.”
—Second-year graduate student, California State University, San Bernardino

“It would have been more effective if it focused less on shaming sex and more on open communication and understanding.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Mount Wachusett Community College, Massachusetts

+ Why consent is like a cup of tea

Think about gender

“I was there to learn and to support an effort to eliminate sexual assault of all types, but I left early because I felt unwelcome. Men are [also] victims of sexual assault and domestic abuse [and it is] under-reported because of the stigma. To engage a broader audience, it makes sense to avoid implying that only women get to have ‘ownership’ of this issue and that men are the ones to blame for all of it.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Missouri University of Science and Technology

“Quit pathologizing [people] who are assaulted and start pathologizing people who assault. Sometimes I feel like women are being preached to that they need to do things differently, versus changing the system that allows some people to continue victimizing others.”
—Second-year graduate student, Western Illinois University

4. Present varied stories

More information about presenting stories

Some TBTNs are known for powerful accounts of sexual assault shared by their participants. The last thing you want, however, is for participants to feel their stories have to fit a certain mold. Setting an inclusive tone will ensure that more people feel comfortable sharing their varied stories.

Key speakers
As you think about your goals, you may want to approach some people ahead of time to be speakers at the event. Seeking out varied stories from diverse people can be a subtle way to create a more welcoming space—a crucial element of a positive campus climate in which everyone feels empowered. Speakers’ themes could include:

Difficult experiences: stories of intimate partner violence or abuse, nonconsensual sexual acts, childhood experiences, harassment, and so on
Empowerment: how they got out of a bad relationship or survived a sexual assault
Recovery: what activities, messages, and resources helped them feel like themselves

Diverse speakers and participants
Lots of different people have personal experience with sexual violence and want to end it. Survivors can be of any gender, sexual orientation, or age. Some may have been assaulted as children, others as adults. Ensure that your event includes and supports people who describe and address different kinds of experiences in different ways. Include men and transgender people.

Understand the power of stories
“Hearing survivors’ stories really made me want to be more involved in preventing sexual assault.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, University of West Georgia

“When they held the ‘rape is not a joke’ seminar they had students read their stories and tell their own stories. It worked. It was good! There was a shift in the audience, like people were starting to understand.”
—Fifth-year undergraduate, University of Wisconsin, Oshkosh

Think about gender
“The most effective message to me was a rally I went to when I was in community college before transferring. It mentioned how it’s not always woman who could be assaulted but can be a man as well. An actual guy came out to tell his story.”
—Fourth-year graduate student, Park University, Missouri

Include hopeful stories
“The guest speaker was a victim of domestic violence and hearing her story and that she is now helping other women escape their similar situations was very inspiring.”
—Third-year undergraduate, University of New Mexico

“I was able to step in other people’s shoes for a moment and try to see sexual assault events not as simply a place to talk about a taboo topic and a super-bad thing, but also as a way for people to share the healing that came after.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, California State University, San Marcos

Make it easier to share
“It was effective to hear survivor stories in a safe space. We were sitting in auditorium seats with the lights very low. Anyone could start sharing their stories without feeling like everyone’s eyes were on them.”
—Third-year graduate student, University of Delaware

5. Make it about more than speaking

More information about making it about more

Personal stories are at the center of almost every TBTN or similar event. But they shouldn’t be the whole picture. Think of any good event that you’ve been to—even a talk about a serious subject. Was there food? Something to drink? Music? Did the event planners actively involve the audience? There’s no reason why your event shouldn’t have all these things. There are lots of models for successful events. It’s up to you and your fellow planners to figure out what’s right for your campus.

Some options include:

A speak-out with music between every few speakers
A march followed by snacks to encourage people to stay for conversation
Conversation in a comfortable room where people can share their stories over hot chocolate
Creative projects that address the themes in fresh or surprising ways (such as the Clothesline Project, which uses a display of clothing to push back on the myth that victims of sexual assault are responsible because of what they wear or say or do)
Workshops or teach-ins on being an effective bystander or supporting a friend

Wrap up
And don’t forget about ending the event! Help your audience wind down and feel hopeful. This could be another opportunity to bring in music, especially something that everyone can participate in. In addition, ensure that people who may need support know where to get it.

Make it interactive
“Events where I was participating rather than just spectating were most effective at teaching me new ideas and concepts. I remember this one event in which everyone was put in groups and we all shared our own experiences, laughed, cried, and bonded. I felt that was one of the most powerful learning moments in my life.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, California State University, San Marcos

Promote actionable strategies
“I think the most effective point I learned was how to be an effective bystander if I ever witnessed sexual assault. I feel it is useful because I will know what actions to take.”
—Third-year undergraduate, University of California, Los Angeles

“Focus on behavior and actions that do not support the ideas that possible assaulters may have. Create an environment where it is obvious that rape and such are not acceptable, [where people] step up when that seems to be a problem. That was the most effective [message] because I had never heard of the argument for culture before. Usually such events are about specific actions and preventing yourself from being harmed.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, Missouri University of Science and Technology

Find different ways to say it
“I went to the Clothesline Project and I thought that the personal messages that each victim wrote on each shirt were very powerful. Their stories affected me and seemed so real and awful.”
—Second-year graduate student, University of North Dakota

Wind down and wrap up
“The night would have been more effective if there was a debriefing after everyone shared their stories. Everyone who spoke was willing to be open and raw, so it is important to wrap up in a way that alleviated the heaviness. Take Back the Night should end in a way that is productive and hopeful of change.”
—Graduate student, University of Delaware

Provide resources for follow-up
“When I was in the Queer club the most positive thing was that we were able to understand and connect with one another through our life stories. [Downside:] It made you think to the point of more depression, and sometimes to the point that we should have a one-on-one talk.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Pasadena City College, California

6. If you want to keep it simple

More information about keeping it simple

A costume-making party
Instead of people feeling like they have to put together a costume at the last minute for Halloween or some other event, and feeling uncomfortable in another sexy toga, you and friends can pool money to make costumes together. Felt, feathers, and paper can make a Robin Hood, iPhone, or any other number of easy costumes that people can feel comfortable and empowered in. Search online for costume ideas.

Consensual pizzas
Have you ever heard hooking up or sex described as being like eating a pizza? People decide together what toppings they’d like. They eat as much of eat pizza as they want. The pizza metaphor is less competitive and aggressive than the old metaphor that sex is like baseball (second base, home run, etc.). To host a consensual pizza-making event, stock up on pizza fixings, get access to an oven, and invite people to talk about consent. They’ll come for the food and stay for the conversation.

+ Why sex is like pizza

Athletic performance and sexual performance
On many college campuses, small groups of athletes are getting together to talk frankly about sex and sports. How do athlete-students think about balancing relationships, their sports, and their academics? How can events reported in the mainstream media be used to help build a supportive campus community?

“The [sexual violence prevention event] that was probably most effective was targeting athletes, due to some of the behaviors seen in professional players. They pushed for men to step up and act like men…Additionally, they talked about everyone’s responsibility to intervene if they suspect or see sexual assault occurring.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, Henderson State University, Arkansas

Get help or find out more

Event planning manual: Take Back the Night

Your guide to events: Take Back the Night

Why diverse stories matter: Good magazine

How to start a Clothesline Project: Clothesline Project

Organize to walk: Walk a Mile in Her Shoes

Hold a Slutwalk: Slutwalk

Addressing campus concerns: Know Your IX

Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard: Chip Heath & Dan Heath
Broadway Business, 2010

Step Up! intervention program: University of Arizona

Brochures on sexual culture: Yale University

Find local services and other resources: NotAlone.gov

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Cultural norms around sexual assault

How do we change the culture? Start with self-empowerment

4 ways for school staff to support self-empowerment

1. Work with students to normalize conversations about sex and sexuality

2. Encourage student leaders who are building a more positive culture

3. Help spread positive and diverse narratives

4. Model empowerment

Addressing stereotypes

Talking to your friend about what happened

Here are four ways you can be there for your friend

Try statements like…

Look after yourself

Why did you do this research?

How different is trans students’ experience?

How can we support LGBTQ students?

What cultural problems did you identify in your peer work?

How did you aim to build a safer culture?

How can all students reach out to LGBTQ peers?

Would you recognize stalking?

Therapeutic approaches

Looking back: what I did, why I did it, how I stopped

8 ways to help a friend who’s being stalked

1. Listen to your friend’s story and believe it

2. Recognize that you are not in a position to say what they should do

3. Consider their full context and situation

4. Help them explore their options and access to resources

5. Activate your friend network

6. Make a safety plan and check out safety apps

7. Document the pattern of stalking

8. Help others understand what stalking is

Trust your body language(+ clarifying affirmative consent)

What if understanding nonverbal language doesn’t come easily?

Get help developing sexual communication skills

Talk about your desires (& theirs)

Listen, don’t assume

Know what you want

Take the pressure off: Dos & don’ts

Ground rules

1. Plan early, plan often

2. Find your allies

Students’ stories

3. Set the right tone

4. Present varied stories

5. Make it about more than speaking

6. If you want to keep it simple

(508) 836-9550

Trust your body language
(+ clarifying affirmative consent)