How to step in when you see someone experiencing unwanted pressure or harassment
Reading Time: 8 minutes Learn what you can do if you see someone experiencing unwanted pressure or harassment. Here are key strategies for bystander intervention.
Reading Time: 8 minutes Learn what you can do if you see someone experiencing unwanted pressure or harassment. Here are key strategies for bystander intervention.
Reading Time: 9 minutes Learn strategies for practicing consent, self-empowerment, and boundary setting.
Sexual assault remains a problem in higher ed. Among a random sample of New York undergrads, 22 percent reported experiencing at least one incident of sexual assault since entering college (PLoS ONE, 2017). Women and gender-nonconforming students reported at higher ratesâ28 percent and 38 percent, respectivelyâwhile 12.5 percent of college-aged males reported experiencing sexual assault. In a recent Student Health 101 poll, 63 percent of students said they were aware of sexual assaults happening among their peers.
So what can we do about it? Part of the problem is recognizing that most sexual assault doesnât look how we might expect it to. The US Department of Justice defines sexual assault as âany type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.â That can include:
âChanging the culture around consent and communication is one of the best ways to prevent sexual assault,â says Evan Walker-Wells, a former communication and consent educator at Yale University and the cofounder of Scalawag, a magazine and website covering Southern politics and culture.
Sexual assault among young adults is often associated with:
Self-empowerment means identifying and learning to honor our own needs and desires. Helping students become self-empowered can help them get the sandwich the way they ordered it, help their friends and partners have their back, help them speak up when somethingâs not working, and help them feel confident in walking away from things when they need to. A key to satisfying relationships and interactions is being aware of and honoring our own feelingsâwhich also helps us appreciate and honor othersâ feelings.
Faculty and staff can model thoughtful decision making, provide space for reflection, and introduce new ideas and norms. You can encourage dialogue, help find guest speakers, and incorporate these conversations and concepts into the classroom.
Student leaders help facilitate the environments in which their peers hang out, flirt, and sometimes hook up. By providing students with relevant training and resources on things like bystander intervention, sexual culture, and self-empowerment, you can help create an environment that’s less conducive to sexual assault and more conducive to thoughtful choices.
College plays a vital role in shaping narratives that students see and hear. Youâre well positioned to introduce positive examples of self-empowerment and mindful decision making (e.g., when instructors select reading material for class).
Students learn from their professors and school staff. Find everyday situations in which you can model polite boundary setting, make non-coercive requests, and affirm other peopleâs decision to say âno.â
Keep in mind that there are times when sexual pressure escalates into assault. No matter how good a person is at setting boundaries, itâs not always possible to stop that. A victim is never at fault for someone elseâs choice to assault. When students learn to trust their instincts, though, it can make it easier to spot red flags early on.
[school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’counselingservices,wellnesspromotion,titleix,studentlife’]GET HELP OR FIND OUT MOREQ&As about assertiveness: Minnesota State University
How to attain real personal empowerment: Psychology Today
Sex needs a new metaphor: Al Vernacchio’s TED Talks
Find local sexual assault services and other resources: Center for Changing Our Campus Culture
What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girlâs Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety, by Jaclyn Friedman
Seal Press, 2011
Diana Adams, JD, Esq., managing partner, Diana Adams Law & Mediation PLLC, New York City.
Jaclyn Friedman, author of What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girlâs Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety (Seal Press, 2011).
1in6. (n.d.). Sorting it out for himself. Retrieved from https://1in6.org/family-and-friends/sorting-it-out-for-himself/
Anderson, N., & Clement, S. (2015, June 12). Poll shows that 20 percent of women are sexually assaulted in college. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/sf/local/2015/06/12/1-in-5-women-say-they-were-violated/
Anderson, S. S., Steve Hendrix, N., & Brown, E. (2015, June 12). Male survivors of sex assaults often fear they wonât be taken seriously. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/male-victims-often-fear-they-wont-be-taken-seriously/2015/06/12/e780794a-f8fe-11e4-9030-b4732caefe81_story.html
Bazelon, E. (2014, October 21). Hooking up at an affirmative-consent campus? Itâs complicated. New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/26/magazine/hooking-up-at-an-affirmative-consent-campus-its-complicated.html
Beres, M. A. (2014). Rethinking the concept of consent for anti-sexual violence activism and education. Feminism & Psychology, 24(3), 373â389.
Beres, M. A., Herold, E., & Maitland, S. B. (2004). Sexual consent behaviors in same-sex relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 33(5), 475â486.
Berrington, L. (2015). Finding yourself: 7 steps to self-empowerment. Student Health 101, 10(8).
Blue Seat Studios. (2015). Tea consent. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
Boyd, M. (2015, December 17). The case for affirmative consent [blog post]. Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-boyd/the-case-for-affirmative-consent_b_6312476.html
Carmody, M. (2003). Sexual ethics and violence prevention. Social & Legal Studies, 12(2), 199â216. https://doi.org/10.1177/0964663903012002003
Catalano, S. (2013). Intimate partner violence: Attributes of victimization, 1993â2011. Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). Retrieved from https://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=4801
Crome, S. (2006). Male survivors of sexual assault and rape. Australian Institute of Family Studies. Retrieved from https://aifs.gov.au/publications/male-survivors-sexual-assault-and-rape
Culp-Ressler, T. (n.d.). What âaffirmative consentâ actually means. Retrieved from https://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/06/25/3453041/affirmative-consent-really-means/
Davies, M., Gilston, J., & Rogers, P. (2012). Examining the relationship between male rape myth acceptance, female rape myth acceptance, victim blame, homophobia, gender roles, and ambivalent sexism. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 27(14), 2807â2823.
Davies, M., & Rogers, P. (2006). Perceptions of male victims in depicted sexual assaults: A review of the literature. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 11(4), 367â377.
Dube, S. R., Anda, R. F., Whitfield, C. L., Brown, D. W., et al. (2005). Long-term consequences of childhood sexual abuse by gender of victim. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 28(5), 430â438. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2005.01.015
Friedman, J., & Valenti, J. (2008). Yes means yes: Visions of female sexual power and a world without rape. Seal Press.
Gavey, N., & Schmidt, J. (2011). âTrauma of rapeâ discourse: A double-edged template for everyday understandings of the impact of rape? Violence Against Women, 17(4), 433â456.
Gavey, N., Schmidt, J., Braun, V., Fenaughty, J., et al. (2009). Unsafe, unwanted: Sexual coercion as a barrier to safer sex among men who have sex with men. Journal of Health Psychology, 14(7), 1021â1026.
Graham, R. (2006). Male rape and the careful construction of the male victim. Social & Legal Studies, 15(2), 187â208.
Harrell, M. C., Castaneda, L. W., Adelson, M., Gaillot, S., et al. (2009). A compendium of sexual assault research. RAND Corporation. Retrieved from https://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/technical_reports/2009/RAND_TR617.pdf
Kann, L., McManus, T., Harris, W. A., Shanklin, S. L., et al. (2016, June 10). Youth risk behavior surveillanceâUnited States, 2015. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 65(6).
Maine Coalition Against Sexual Violence. (n.d.). Sexual violence against LGBTQQI populations. Retrieved from https://www.mecasa.org/index.php/special-projects/lgbtqqi
McDonough, K. (2014, September 5). Gloria Steinem on consent and sexual assault: âSince when is hearing âyesâ a turnoff?â Retrieved December 21, 2015, from https://www.salon.com/2014/09/05/gloria_steinem_on_consent_and_sexual_assault_since_when_is_hearing_yes_a_turnoff/
Paulk, L. (2014, April 30). Sexual assault in the LGBT community. National Center for Lesbian Rights. Retrieved from https://www.nclrights.org/sexual-assault-in-the-lgbt-community/
Rothman, E. F., Exner, D., & Baughman, A. L. (2011). The prevalence of sexual assault against people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual in the United States: A systematic review. Trauma, Violence & Abuse, 12(2), 55â66.
Savage, D. (2013). Dan Savage: Gay advice for straight couples. Retrieved from https://vimeo.com/68863993
US Department of Justice. (2016, April 1). Sexual assault. Retrieved from https://www.justice.gov/ovw/sexual-assault
Walters, M. L., Chen, J., & Breiding, M. J. (2013). The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey (NISVS): 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_sofindings.pdf
Wild, C. (2011, December 13). Dan Savage talks sex, love and clear communication. Retrieved from https://tulane.edu/news/newwave/121311_dan_savage.cfm
Yale CCEs. (n.d.). Myth of miscommunication workshops | Yale CCE Program. Retrieved from https://cce.yalecollege.yale.edu/myth-miscommunication-workshops
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Most of us have supported friends through difficult times, such as a break-up, academic pressure, or family issues. But how do we step up and provide support when friends and loved ones experience sexual assault and other forms of sexual violence? Especially when the person who experienced the assault is male?
Social pressure and stereotypes about gender can make it particularly challenging for men who’ve been assaulted to talk about their experiences. If one of your male friends or loved ones is assaulted, itâs important that you know youâre in a position to help.
Many of the challenges men face reflect social pressure: ideas that sexual assault makes them less masculine, that women canât assault men, or that âreal menâ donât talk about or get help for painful experiences. âSome men fear that they’ll be seen as less of a man,â says Dr. Jim Hopper, a researcher, therapist, and instructor at Harvard Medical School. âIf theyâre heterosexual, they may fear people will doubt their sexuality. And if theyâre gay or bisexual, they may blame the assault on their sexuality in a way that further stigmatizes their being gay or bisexual.â
A common belief is that sexual violence only affects women. In fact, many men have unwanted sexual experiences, as both children and adults. One in six men in the US is sexually assaulted before age 18, according to studies from the 1980s to the early 2000s. In 2015, seven percent of men reported being sexually assaulted while attending college, according to a study by the Washington Post and the Kaiser Family Foundation. Regardless of the targeted manâs sexual orientation, both men and women perpetrate these assaults, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (2013).
âSex, gender identity, and race can all influence how an experience like this affects someone, but itâs very important you have no presumption about what it feels like to your friendâso listen,â says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in womenâs, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in Connecticut.
Everyone is different. Peopleâs varying personalities and circumstances affect how they respond to an unwanted sexual experience and what we can do to help. For example, some people want lots of hugs, while some prefer verbal support. The most important thing is to relate to your friend in a way that can help him feel empowered and connected. As a friend, youâre in a great position to do this.
When a friend discloses an experience of violence, itâs normal to feel a wide range of emotions, such as shock, confusion, sadness, or anger. In the moment, keep the conversation focused on your friendâs emotions, not your own.
âMany people who experience sexual violence also experience some degree of self-blame,â says Dr. Boyd. âPartially, thatâs just what people do when something bad happens: We go over the events in our head, hunting for things we could have done differently. Itâs a way of regaining a sense of control. In the case of sexual violence, though, survivors also have to contend with victim-blaming patterns that run through our culture. So itâs important that friends help them push back against that. Be careful not to say or ask anything that might suggest blameâand affirm for your friend that he did the best he could in a difficult, complicated situation.â
As challenging an experience as a sexual assault may be, itâs not as though your friend has become an entirely different person. The âotheringâ of people who’ve been assaultedâtreating them differentlyâcan be just as dangerous as ignoring or minimizing unwanted sexual experiences, according to researchers Nicola Gavey and Johanna Schmidt (Violence Against Women, 2011). Avoid thinking of the assault as something that cuts your friend off from the rest of the world; in fact, itâs up to you to be supportive and counteract that.
Make sure to listen and focus on your friendâs feelings. âPay attention to their specific issues,â says Dr. Boyd.
Avoid pronouns that assume the gender of the perpetrator or that make other assumptions about the experience. âI think one of the most important issues is breaking down the stereotype that only women are abused,â said Lena*, a second-year undergraduate at Tarrant County College in Texas.
âAs a friend, you want to relate to them in a way that gives them power, including by giving them choices and respecting whatever choices they make on whatever timeline,â says Dr. Hopper.
âSupporting someone through the healing process can be stressful, hard, and exhausting. That’s why it’s important for supports to take of themselves,â says Bella Alarcon, a bilingual clinician at the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center who facilitates a support group for partners, friends, and family of people who’ve experienced sexual violence. Paying attention to your own needs isnât selfish. âIf you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, you’re not going to be able to support the survivor,â says Alarcon.
Be mindful of your own needs, and make sure that youâre getting support.
*Names changed
Strategies developed by the Communication and Consent Educator program at Yale University.
[school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,titleix, counselingservices, suicideprevention, titleix’] Get help or find out moreHow to support a male friend: 1in6
Helpline and many other resources: RAINN
Resources for survivors: Living Well
Help for survivors: National Sexual Assault Hotline and Online Hotline
LGBTQ hotline and meet-up groups: Trevor Project
Information and resources for LGBTQ survivors of violence: Anti-Violence Project
Men share their stories of dealing with sexual violence: The Bristlecone Project
Bella Alarcon, bilingual clinician, Boston Area Rape Crisis Center, Massachusetts.
Melanie Boyd, PhD, assistant dean in student affairs; lecturer in womenâs, gender, and sexuality studies, Yale University, Connecticut.
Jim Hopper, PhD, independent consultant and clinical instructor in psychology, Department of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Massachusetts.
1in6. (n.d.). Sorting it out for himself. Retrieved from https://1in6.org/family-and-friends/sorting-it-out-for-himself/
Abelson, M. J. (2014). Dangerous privilege: Trans men, masculinities, and changing perceptions of safety. Sociological Forum, 29(3), 549â570. https://doi.org/10.1111/socf.12103
Anderson, N., & Clement, S. (2015, June 12). Poll shows that 20 percent of women are sexually assaulted in college. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/sf/local/2015/06/12/1-in-5-women-say-they-were-violated/
Anderson, S. S., Hendrix, S., Anderson, N., & Brown, E. (2015, June 12). Male survivors of sex assaults often fear they wonât be taken seriously. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/male-victims-often-fear-they-wont-be-taken-seriously/2015/06/12/e780794a-f8fe-11e4-9030-b4732caefe81_story.html
Beres, M. A. (2014). Rethinking the concept of consent for anti-sexual violence activism and education. Feminism & Psychology, 24(3), 373â389.
Beres, M. A., Herold, E., & Maitland, S. B. (2004). Sexual consent behaviors in same-sex relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 33(5), 475â486.
Brenner, A. (2013). Transforming campus culture to prevent rape: The possibility and promise of restorative justice as a response to campus sexual violence. Harvard Journal of Law and Gender. Retrieved from https://harvardjlg.com/2013/10/transforming-campus-culture-to-prevent-rape-the-possibility-and-promise-of-restorative-justice-as-a-response-to-campus-sexual-violence/
Carmody, M. (2003). Sexual ethics and violence prevention. Social & Legal Studies, 12(2), 199â216. https://doi.org/10.1177/0964663903012002003
Catalano, S. (2013). Intimate partner violence: Attributes of victimization, 1993â2011. Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). Retrieved from https://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=4801
Colorado State University. (n.d.). A Guide for supporting survivors of sexual assault. Retreived from https://wgac.colostate.edu/supporting-survivors
Crome, S. (2006). Male survivors of sexual assault and rape. Australian Institute of Family Studies. Retrieved from https://aifs.gov.au/publications/male-survivors-sexual-assault-and-rape
Crome, S. A., & McCabe, M. P. (2001). Adult rape scripting within a victimological perspective. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 6(4), 395â413.
Davies, M., Gilston, J., & Rogers, P. (2012). Examining the relationship between male rape myth acceptance, female rape myth acceptance, victim blame, homophobia, gender roles, and ambivalent sexism. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 27(14), 2807â2823.
Davies, M., & Rogers, P. (2006). Perceptions of male victims in depicted sexual assaults: A review of the literature. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 11(4), 367â377.
Dube, S. R., Anda, R. F., Whitfield, C. L., Brown, D. W., et al. (2005). Long-term consequences of childhood sexual abuse by gender of victim. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 28(5), 430â438. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2005.01.015
Gavey, N., & Schmidt, J. (2011). âTrauma of rapeâ discourse: A double-edged template for everyday understandings of the impact of rape? Violence Against Women, 17(4), 433â456.
Gavey, N., Schmidt, J., Braun, V., Fenaughty, J., et al. (2009). Unsafe, unwanted: Sexual coercion as a barrier to safer sex among men who have sex with men. Journal of Health Psychology, 14(7), 1021â1026.
Graham, R. (2006). Male rape and the careful construction of the male victim. Social & Legal Studies, 15(2), 187â208.
Grand Rapids Community College. (n.d). Step-by-step. Retrieved from
https://www.grcc.edu/studentaffairs/sexualmisconduct/stepbystep
Harrell, M. C., Castaneda, L. W., Adelson, M., Gaillot, S., et al. (2009). A compendium of sexual assault research. RAND Corporation. Retrieved from https://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/technical_reports/2009/RAND_TR617.pdf
Hopper, J. W. (2015, June 23). Why many rape victims donât fight or yell. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2015/06/23/why-many-rape-victims-dont-fight-or-yell/
Kozlowska, K., Walker, P., McLean, L., & Carrive, P. (2015). Fear and the defense cascade: Clinical implications and management. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 23(4), 263â287.
Maine Coalition Against Sexual Violence. (n.d.). Sexual violence against LGBTQQI populations. Retrieved from https://www.mecasa.org/index.php/special-projects/lgbtqqi
Masters, N. T. (2010). âMy strength is not for hurtingâ: Menâs anti-rape websites and their construction of masculinity and male sexuality. Sexualities, 13(1), 33â46.
Monk-Turner, E., & Light, D. (2010). Male sexual assault and rape: Who seeks counseling? Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment, 22(3), 255â265.
Paulk, L. (2014, April 30). Sexual assault in the LGBT community. National Center for Lesbian Rights. Retrieved from https://www.nclrights.org/sexual-assault-in-the-lgbt-community/
RAND Office of Media Relations. (n.d.). Complete results from major survey of US military sexual assault, harassment released. Retrieved from https://www.rand.org/news/press/2015/05/01.html
Rothman, E. F., Exner, D., & Baughman, A. L. (2011). The prevalence of sexual assault against people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual in the United States: A systematic review. Trauma, Violence & Abuse, 12(2), 55â66.
Sleath, E., & Bull, R. (2010). Male rape victim and perpetrator blaming. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 25(6), 969â988.
Stanko, E. A., & Hobdell, K. (1993). Assault on men: Masculinity and male victimization. British Journal of Criminology, 33(3), 400â415.
Strauss, V. (2014, August 29). Does ârestorative justiceâ in campus sexual assault cases make sense? Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2014/08/29/does-restorative-justice-in-campus-sexual-assault-cases-make-sense/
Walters, M. L., Chen, J., & Breiding, M. J. (2013). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_sofindings.pdf
Weiss, K. G. (2010). Male sexual victimization examining menâs experiences of rape and sexual assault. Men and Masculinities, 12(3), 275â298.
Willis, D. G. (2009). Male-on-male rape of an adult man: A case review and implications for interventions. Journal of the American Psychiatric Nurses Association, 14(6), 454â461.
Murchison has a masterâs in public health from Yale University. As an undergraduate, he spent three years with Yaleâs sexual violence prevention program, Communication and Consent Educators. His masterâs thesis examines sexual assault risk factors affecting LGBTQ people and how to make our communities safer.
âTo prevent sexual violence, we have to understand how it happens, and while we know a bit about how sexual violence against straight, cisgender women tends to look, thereâs very little research on violence against LGBTQ students. As a result, most prevention efforts are designed for straight, cisgender women. Thereâs very little research telling us whether they serve LGBTQ students equally or at all.
âOverall, our data suggests that LGBTQ studentsâ unwanted sexual experiences (coercion or assault) are similar to what we know about heterosexual, cisgender womenâs. For instance, in the research we conducted, many of the perpetrators were friends, romantic partners, exes, or hookups, and coercion and alcohol incapacitation were more common tactics than physical force.
âHowever, students with more internalized homophobia were more likely to have experienced sexual assault and coercion, while students with a stronger sense of LGBTQ community were less likely to have had those experiences. We found that 82 percent of perpetrators were maleâsurprisingly, that number was similar regardless of the survivorâs gender.â[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”” collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Definitions: transgender, gender nonconforming, cisgender, & more” tab_id=”1501517848248-20319a59-2929″][vc_column_text]
This list is adapted from the Glossary of Terms published by the Human Rights Campaign. Terminology relating to gender and sexual identity is variable (e.g., a non-cisgender person may identify as transgender, gender non-conforming, non-binary, queer, or genderqueer). Always respect individualsâ preferences.
Asexual The person does not experience sexual attraction or desire for other people.
Bisexual The person is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender, or gender identity.
Cisgender A personâs gender identity aligns with the sex assigned to them at birth.
Gay The person is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to people of the same gender.
Gender identity A personâs innermost concept of self as male, female, a blend of both, or neither; how individuals perceive themselves, and what they call themselves.
Gender non-conforming The person does not behave in a way that conforms to the traditional expectations of their gender, or their gender expression does not fit neatly into a category; also termed ânon-binary.â
Genderqueer The person rejects static categories of gender and embraces a fluidity of gender identity (and often, though not always, sexual orientation); may see themselves as being both male and female, neither male nor female, or outside these categories.
Homophobia The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who are attracted to those of the same sex.
Lesbian The woman is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other women.
LGBT An acronym for âlesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender.â
Queer Fluid gender identity and/or sexual orientation; often used interchangeably with âLGBT.â
Transgender The personâs gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth; transgender people may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc.
Transphobia The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, transgender people.
[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”What’s the difference between transgender and gender non-conforming?” tab_id=”1501517848408-e2d2d6b7-881b”][vc_column_text]Gabe Murchison:âI use transgender to refer to people who identify with a different gender than they were assigned at birth. I use gender non-conforming to refer to people who consistently and noticeably express themselves outside of the norms for their gender.
âLike anyone else, a transgender person could be gender-conforming or non-conforming after they transition. Some transgender men dress and act in stereotypically masculine ways, while others are more feminine than the average man, and the same is true of transgender women.
âThere are also many transgender people who donât identify exclusively as men or women, but as neither, or a combination of both. I use the umbrella term ânon-binaryâ for these identities, because they are outside of the male-female âgender binary.â
âMany health researchers use the umbrella term âgender minoritiesâ to describe transgender and gender non-conforming people. In the study weâre discussing, I didnât ask participants about being gender non-conforming, so I can only talk about transgender studentsâ experiences. Other research has found that LGBTQ youth who are gender non-conforming have different experiences than those who are gender-conformingâfor instance, they are more likely to be bullied in school. Whether being gender non-conforming affects the likelihood of experiencing sexual violence is an important question for future research.â[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”What are internalized homophobia?” tab_id=”1501518105713-d4da6764-dbbc”][vc_column_text]
Gabe Murchison:
âLiving in a culture that stigmatizes one or more of your identitiesâyour race, status, sexual orientation, or many othersâcan affect your health negatively. One way is through internalized stigma: when you come to consciously or unconsciously believe the negative cultural ideas about yourself. Internalized homophobia is internalized stigma about being lesbian, gay, bisexual, or queer.
âAbsorbing negative beliefs about oneâs LGBTQ identity can cause a range of problems, like making someone more prone to depression or anxiety, or affecting their sexuality and relationships.
âFor instance, it appears that some abusers take advantage of internalized homophobia to control their partners. When we were planning our research, we thought that sexual aggressors could do something similar, and there was some qualitative research (interviews with LGBTQ people about their unwanted sexual experiences) backing that up.
âItâs important to note that internalized stigma is not something to be ashamed of. Itâs an almost unavoidable consequence of having any stigmatized identity, but most people find positive ways to cope with it.â
For research references, see Sources.
[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”What is internalized transphobia?” tab_id=”1501518269189-e120378c-3162″][vc_column_text]Internalized transphobia may occur at a higher rate than internalized homophobia, research suggests. In a 2016 study, transgender participants reported higher rates of discrimination, depression symptoms, and suicide attempts than cisgender LGB participants. Among transgender people, depression symptoms were associated with a lack of self-acceptance around identity, researchers wrote (Transgender Health).
Transgender, gender nonconforming, and genderqueer people experience pressure from multiple sources. âAccording to research, stressors include being bullied at school and work, reduced access to housing, loss of friends and family, physical violence, harassment and assault, and reduced medical access,â says Joleen Nevers, sexuality educator at the University of Connecticut.
Gabe Murchison:
âTrans students report facing more discrimination on campus than their cisgender LGBQ peers. Trans students deal with a number of challenges that donât affect cisgender LGB students, like difficulty accessing housing and restrooms that match their gender. School policies may have a serious impact: Transgender people denied access to these facilities are more likely to have attempted suicide.
âOn average, trans students also seem to have a weaker sense of community on campus, even though theyâre equally involved in groups and leadership activities.â
For research references, see Sources.
[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”What did researchers look at?” tab_id=”1501518383488-ecf469b6-af51″][vc_column_text]Gabe Murchison:
âWe surveyed about 700 LGBQ college students at hundreds of colleges and universities, using questions that measured their levels of internalized homophobia and their sense of LGBTQ community on campus. We also asked them about some things that are related to sexual violence risk among heterosexual women, including how many romantic and sexual partners theyâd had during college. Finally, we asked them about different types of unwanted sexual experiences they may have had, and about how and with whom those experiences happened. We used this data to look at three big questions:
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âTechnically, our study was about sexual orientation, not gender. However, many transgender students are also LGBQ. In my sample and another recent study by the Asssociation of American Universities, transgender students experienced the highest rates of sexual assault and coercion.
âTrans students report facing more discrimination on campus than non-trans LGBQ peers. Some students are even targeted for sexual assault because they are trans. On average, trans students also seem to have a weaker sense of community on campus. We donât know how transgender stigma on campus relates to sexual assault and coercion, but given the high rates of both discrimination and sexual violence, the question deserves more attention.â
âWe researched how feeling that you belong to a community affects the incidence of sexual assault. A strong sense of LGBTQ community is beneficial, potentially because it helps people deal with internalized homophobia and transphobia.
âThe peer education program I worked with in college is based on the idea that changing how students think about sexuality, sexual pressure, and even âgoing outâ can make sexually aggressive behavior harder to get away with and help all students feel more empowered.â
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âCampus programming sets the tone for LGBTQ students and straight, cisgender students,â says Gabe Murchison. The following approaches can help build an inclusive community, he says:
Gabe Murchison:
âItâs important to have friends who support your sexual orientation or the fact that youâre transgenderâbut that doesnât mean they have to be LGBTQ. Many LGBTQ students make their closest friends through athletics, Greek life, arts, religious organizations, or housing assignments. For some, most or all of those friends are straight and cisgender.
âSince LGBTQ people are just as diverse as any other group, itâs very likely that youâll meet like-minded LGBTQ friends throughout your life, even if you donât fit in with the LGBTQ students youâve met on campus.â
[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][vc_tta_section title=”What’s the rate of sexual assault and coercion among LGBTQ students?” tab_id=”1501518762964-180cae77-cd72″][vc_column_text]Gabe Murchison:
âThere are not a ton of data on LGBTQ undergraduates specifically. From what exists, it appears that:
For research references, see Sources.
ââQueerâ is how respondents self-identified. Thirteen percent of my sample described their sexual orientation as queer. The term has been adopted by the major US advocacy organizations and is used in some (not all) research on this population.â
[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]âSome students who wanted to make friends with other LGBTQ people felt like the only way to do that was to be part of a hookup scene. That led to them having consensual sex they didnât really want and sometimes made them targets for coercion. Also, some people talked about experiencing sexual aggression when they were newly out and thinking maybe that was normal or acceptable among LGBTQ peopleâbecause they didnât yet have many LGBTQ friends to discuss it with.â
Create nonsexual spaces and conversations
âWe decided that building a stronger sense of community could help. First, we got LGBTQ student leaders on board to help change the way people in their circles talked about hooking up, and also to be intentionally welcoming to younger students. Second, we started hosting LGBTQ events that were not at all sexualizedâlike a fantastic pie-baking event thatâs become an annual tradition. Third, we made sure that the more sexualized spaces were still low-pressure. For example, after an LGBTQ dance, we showed Mean Girls until 3 a.m. People loved it, and it showed that you can go out and dance without ending the night in someoneâs bed.â
Check in with friends and younger students
âChecking in is really valuable. If someone is in an intense relationship and youâre not sure if itâs good-intense or bad-intense, you can ask some open-ended questions like, âHow are things with Ryan?â Even if everything is fine, theyâll feel supported. Reaching out to younger or newly out students can be especially effective. They may be particularly vulnerable to sexual assault, or just plain loneliness.â
Pay attention to who seems left out
âSome students donât participate in the LGBTQ community because they feel excludedâmost visible LGBTQ social groups might be mostly white, mostly a particular gender, mostly secular. Also, not all LGBTQ communities are great at supporting transgender, non-binary, or bisexual students. Set an example by learning more about being bi- and trans-inclusive, and asking your friends to do the same.â
Gabe Murchison:
âDo your best not to assume someone is heterosexual or cisgender. My college had a dance where first-year students set up dates for the people they live with. Some people made a point of asking each suitemate about their gender preferences for the date. For some LGBQ people, that was the first time they felt comfortable coming out to the people they lived with.
âBe an advocate. Student affairs staff often take studentsâ opinions seriously. These staff can affect the decision-making process on issues that affect LGBTQ students, like funding an LGBTQ center or creating mixed-gender housing options. If you know LGBTQ students on your campus are advocating for this type of goal, you can write or talk to student affairs staff and explain why you feel itâs important.
âSpeak up. If an LGBTQ person (or anyone else) hears stigmatizing comments all the time, they may be too afraid or frustrated to address them. Try to respectfully but firmly shoot down any anti-LGBTQ remarks you hear.â
[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]Sexual assault is never the fault of the survivor. Become familiar with your campus and community resources. Campus resources for survivors of coercion and/or sexual assault include the counseling center, student health center, women’s center, and sexual assault center. Community resources include rape or sexual assault crisis centers and hotlines.
LGBTQ hotline and meetup groups: Trevor Project
How to support a male friend: 1in6
Help for survivors: National Sexual Assault Hotline and Online Hotline
1.800.656.HOPE
Guide for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse: Colorado State University
Find local services and other resources: NotAlone.gov
Student activists who are survivors of sexual violence: Know Your IX
National campus safety organization: Clery Center for Security on Campus
Sexual violence resources: National Sexual Violence Resource Center
Gabe Murchison, senior research manager, Human Rights Campaign. Murchison’s master’s thesis (not yet published) was advised by Melanie Boyd, PhD, assistant dean of student affairs at Yale University, and John Pachankis, PhD, associate professor of epidemiology at Yale School of Public Health.
Joleen Nevers, MA Ed, CHES, AASECT Certified Secondary Education, sexuality educator, health education coordinator, University of Connecticut.
Association of American Universities. (2015). AAU Campus Survey of Sexual Assault and Sexual Misconduct. Retrieved from https://www.aau.edu/Climate-Survey.aspx?id=16525
Bockting, W. O., Miner, M. H., Swinburne Romine, R. E., Hamilton, A., et al. (2013). Stigma, mental health, and resilience in an online sample of the US transgender population. American Journal of Public Health, 103(5), 943â951. Retrieved from https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/abs/10.2105/AJPH.2013.301241
Braun, V., Schmidt, J., Gavey, N., & Fenaughty, J. (2009). Sexual coercion among gay and bisexual men in Aotearoa/New Zealand. Journal of Homosexuality, 56(3), 336-360
Centers for Disease Control. (2010). National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: An overview of 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/cdc_nisvs_victimization_final-a.pdf
D’Augelli, A. R., Grossman, A. H., & Starks, M. T. (2006). Childhood gender atypicality, victimization, and PTSD among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 21(11), 1462â1482.
Dugan, J. P., Kusel, M., L., & Simounet, D. M. (2012). Transgender college students: An exploratory study of perceptions, engagement, and educational outcomes. Journal of College Student Development, 53(5), 719â736.
Edwards, K. M., Sylaska, K. M., Barry, J. E., Moynihan, M. M., et al. (2015). Physical dating violence, sexual violence, and unwanted pursuit victimization: A comparison of incidence rates among sexual-minority and heterosexual college students. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 30(4), 580-600.
Grant, J. M., Mottet, L. A., & Tanis, J. (2011). Injustice at every turn: A report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. Washington: National Center for Transgender Equality and National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. Retrieved from https://www.thetaskforce.org/static_html/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_full.pdf
Haas, A. P., & Rodgers, P. L. (2014). Suicide attempts among transgender and gender non-conforming adults: Findings of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention; Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law.
Hines, D. A., Armstrong, J. L., Reed, K. P., & Cameron, A. Y. (2012). Gender differences in sexual assault victimization among college students. Violence and Victims, 27(6), 922-940.
Karlsen, S., & Nazroo, J. Y. (2002). The relation between racial discrimination, social class, and health among ethnic minority groups. American Journal Public Health, 92(4), 624â631. Retrieved from https://www.aleciashepherd.com/writings/articles/other/Relation%20between%20racial%20discrimination%20social%20class.pdf
Martin, S. L., Fisher, B. S., Warner, T. D., Krebs, C. P., et al. (2011). Women’s sexual orientations and their experiences of sexual assault before and during university. Women’s Health Issues, 21(3), 199-205.
Menning, C. L., & Holtzman, M. (2013). Processes and patterns in gay, lesbian, and bisexual sexual assault: A multimethodological assessment. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 0886260513506056.
Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674â697. Retrieved from https://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=search.displayRecord&uid=2003-99991-002
Student Health 101 survey, February 2016.
Su, D., Irwin, J. A., Fisher, C., Ramos, A., et al. (2016). Mental health disparities within the LGBT population: A comparison between transgender and nontransgender individuals. Transgender Health, 1(1), 12â20. Retrieved from https://online.liebertpub.com/doi/full/10.1089/trgh.2015.0001
Williamson, I. R. (2000). Internalized homophobia and health issues affecting lesbians and gay men. Health Education Research, 15(1), 97â107. Retrieved from https://her.oxfordjournals.org/content/15/1/97.full
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What are we talking about when we talk about stalking? The word has become a reference to nosing around each otherâs Facebook timelinesâor to unhealthy but not persistent choices, like that one miserable weekend when you drove past your exâs place three times. Weâre not here to talk about those. Weâre talking about patterns of behaviors that cause substantial emotional distress to another person and may seriously compromise their sense of safety. Sometimes, these behaviors escalate to attempted sexual assault or other kinds of violence.
Stalking is more common on campuses than off, studies show. It is widely underreported and can affect anyone. âMost stalking is by men of women, but men can be stalked too,â says Detective Mark Kurkowski of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Departmentâs Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri. Students who are transgender, genderqueer, or gender nonconforming may be especially vulnerable, a 2015 survey suggests (AAU Climate Survey on Sexual Assault and Sexual Misconduct).
Although stalking is a crime in all 50 states, it is often missed or minimizedâeven by people whose lives are disrupted by it. See Studentsâ stories; Stalking it over (next page).
Most definitions of stalking come from the Violence Against Women Act and its 2013 reauthorization. âStalkingâ means engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to (A) fear for his or her safety or the safety of others, or (B) suffer substantial emotional distress.â
Two things are important about this, experts say:
What stalking may look like
This list of stalking behaviors comes from the Stalking Resource Center, a collaboration between the National Center for Victims of Crime and the US Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women. Stalking does not necessarily involve all of these behaviors.
We may not recognize stalking or be reluctant to label it.
Here are some of the reasons:
Don’t be that person: How to handle your obsessive thoughts
If you have engaged in stalking behaviors, you could benefit from developing your interpersonal and social skills.
You would likely also benefit from an emotional health evaluation. Stalking can overlap with conditions such as depression, substance abuse, and personality issues, which may be alleviated or managed through treatment and support.
Next steps
Therapy for obsessive thoughts and behaviors
Appropriate therapy for stalking-related issues involves you working individually with a clinician. The approach is guided by your mindset and the underlying issue (for example, whether you are struggling with rejection, social awkwardness, or delusional thinking). The therapeutic work may include:
Stalking-type behaviors can show up in students who are not yet well-adjusted to the dating environment of college. Behaviors such as excessive texting may not reflect malign intent or emotional illness. Students making this mistake are in many cases open to hearing from peers, an RA, or a staff or faculty member about how their behaviors are being perceived and experienced by others.
“I followed her social media closely and thought about her a lot. It was difficult to not call her (and I often did it late at night after drinking...which I regret). Taking better care of my own mental and physical self would have helped. Counseling would probably have helped too. It was a close friend who got me through all that.”
—Male third-year undergraduate, Johns Hopkins University, Maryland
“I was feeling lovesick after a breakup. Nothing malicious, but I found myself wanting to hang out in areas where they might be, and search for them online. Therapy helped, as did finding constructive ways to distract myself.”
—Female third-year undergraduate, Sonoma State University, California
“I have intentionally loitered or taken a certain route in hopes of running into a certain person. I could have managed my feelings more constructively by doing something more productive with my time, and accepting that the person was probably bored of our conversations.”
—Female fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario
“The first few times when you fall in love, you won’t know how to deal with these feelings. These are mistakes anyone can make, especially those who have deep ingrained trust issues.”
—Male, fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario
“I wanted to be closer friends with this person, and the thought of that person being happy with other people made a little sad. I have a ‘need to be needed’ so that may have influenced the desire to give that particular person lots of gifts. I didn’t do anything else. It was a valuable learning experience in terms of interpersonal relationships and how to manage them. It also allowed me to slightly empathize with those who are currently similar to that ‘Past-Me.’”
—Female fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario
Chances are your friend isn’t quoting the Violence Against Women Act. They may not even use the word “stalking.” Even so, it’s important to take seriously initial concerns about stalking behaviors, and to act early, says Detective Mark Kurkowski, of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department’s Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri. “Respond to stalking cases before [they involve] violent threats or [run to] years of stalking,” he says. Here’s how to do that:
Allow them to tell their story the way they want to tell it. Do not underestimate how powerful listening is.
“Allow them to tell their story the way they want to tell it,” says Jennifer Landhuis of the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. Do not underestimate how powerful listening is. “Sometimes the trauma will make them minimize what’s been happening, because they’re in the middle of it. That outside touchstone can make a big difference.”
All the methods they’ve tried have failed.
âĶ or what you think they should have done to make the stalking behavior stop. “By the time stalking victims are reaching out and telling people about what’s going on, all the methods they’ve tried have failed,” says Landhuis.
As their friend, you’ll have some idea of what other challenges they may be facing; the stalking might be one part of a difficult semester.
Your friend is your friend, not just a stalking victim. As their friend, you’ll have some idea what other challenges they may be facing; the stalking might be one part of a difficult semester. All the pressures and challenges in their life are important in how you think about helping. “Unless you try to consider everything they come to the table with, you might not be able to help,” says Landhuis.
Stalking resources are less familiar to most of us than sexual assault; options are available on and off campus.
Check out these 4 ways to harness the power of your social network.
Social networks are powerful. Here’s how to harness that power:
Safety plans and apps can help.
“In any stalking situation, you should be doing safety planning,” Det. Kurkowski says. Safety plans use what a victim knows about a stalker to reduce the risk of harm to themselves and those around them. For example, avoid places where the stalker tends to hang out; if the stalker shows up, have a safe exit plan ready. In addition, look for evaluated safety apps that can address your friend’s needs.
This is essential to any disciplinary process or police report.
“Documentation is key—whether it be text messages, emails, Facebook postings, whatever. Don’t erase anything, don’t delete anything, make sure there’s a way to prove that this happened over a period of time,” says Det. Kurkowski. Take screenshots of social media posts and learn how to download a copy of Facebook messages.
Avoid using language that minimizes how harmful and dangerous stalking can be.
Some victims minimize the behaviors that threaten their safety, or blame themselves. In that case, look at those behaviors: Is someone following them around, tracking them somehow, or not taking “no” for an answer? “Many people who don’t use the word ‘stalking’ will say, ‘That is happening to me,’” says Landhuis. “Help to educate your friend. What does stalking look like, what does it feel like, what does it sound like?”
Your school’s stalking policies may be included in its sexual harassment and assault policies.
Your Title IX office, public safety/security office, and/or counseling center can provide resources and support.
Comprehensive info and tools: Stalking Resource Center
Make a safety plan: Stalking Resource Center
Reduce your online exposure: SafeShepherd
Find help with technological abuse: Safety Net Project
Tools for tech safety and privacy: National Network to End Domestic Violence
Prevent and address online harassment: Speak Up & Stay Safe(r)
Mark Kurkowski, detective, Domestic Abuse Response Team, St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department, Missouri.
Jennifer Landhuis, director, Social Change, the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence.
Baum, K., Catalano, S., & Rand, M. (2009). Stalking victimization in the United States. Washington, DC: Bureau of Justice Statistics.
Bierregaard, B. (2000). An empirical study of stalking victimization. Violence and Victims, 15(4), 389–406.
Borchard, T. (2015). Some ideas to help stop obsessing. Psychcentral.com. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/11/11/some-ideas-to-help-stop-obsessing/
Breiding, M. J. , Smith, S. G., Basile, K. C., Walters, M. L., et al. (2014). Prevalence and characteristics of sexual violence, stalking, and intimate partner violence victimization–National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, United States, 2011. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 63(8), 1–18.
Clery Center. (n.d.). VAWA Amendments to Clery | Clery Center for Security on Campus. Retrieved from https://clerycenter.org/article/vawa-amendments-clery
Day, E. (2013, February 17.) The stalking cure: How to rehabilitate a stalker. The Guardian. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/feb/17/how-to-rehabilitate-a-stalker
Friedman, J., Sarkeesian, A., & Sherman, R. B. (2016). Speak Up & Stay Safe(r): – A Guide to Protecting Yourself From Online Harassment. FeministFrequency.com. Retrieved from
https://onlinesafety.feministfrequency.com/en/
Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. (n.d.). Our Gender Revolution Campaign | Engaging Voices. Retrieved from
https://www.idvsa.org/national-teen-dating-violence-awareness-prevention-month/
Knoll, J., & Resnick, P. J. (2007). Stalking intervention. Current Psychiatry, 6(5), 30–38. Retrieved from https://www.upstate.edu/psych/pdf/education/fellowships/stalking_intervention.pdf
MacKenzie, R. D., & James, D. V. (2011). Management and treatment of stalkers: Problems, options, and solutions. Behavioral Sciences and the Law. DOI: 10.1002/bsl.980.
Retrieved from https://www.fixatedthreat.com/perch/resources/mackenzie-james-2011-management-and-treatment.pdf
Meloy, J. R. (1997). The clinical risk management of stalking. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 51, 174–184.
Mohandie, K., Meloy, J. R., McGowan, M. G., & Williams, J. (2006). The RECON typology of stalking: Reliability and validity based upon a large sample of North American stalkers. Journal of Forensic Science, 51(1), 147–155.
Mullen, P., Mackenzie, R., & Ogloff, J.R, (2006). Assessing and managing the risks in the stalking situation. Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law, 34, 439–450.
Muller, R. T. (2013, June 22). In the mind of a stalker. PsychologyToday.com. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/talking-about-trauma/201306/in-the-mind-stalker
National Center for Victims of Crime. (n.d.-a). Stalking Resource Center. Retrieved from https://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center
National Center for Victims of Crime. (n.d.-b). Tips for Victims. Retrieved from https://www.victimsofcrime.org/docs/default-source/src/tips-for-victims-2015.pdf?sfvrsn=0
National Network to End Domestic Violence. (n.d.-a). Safety Net Project. Retrieved from https://nnedv.org/projects/safetynet.html
National Network to End Domestic Violence. (n.d.-b). TechSafety.org. Retrieved from https://techsafety.org/
Stalking Resource Center. (n.d.). The model stalking policy. Victimsofcrime.org. Retrieved from
https://www.victimsofcrime.org/docs/default-source/src/the-model-stalking-policy.pdf?sfvrsn=6
US Congress. (2013). Federal Register | Violence Against Women Act. Retrieved from https://www.federalregister.gov/articles/2014/10/20/2014-24284/violence-against-women-act
Victim Connect. (n.d.). Stalking. Retrieved from https://victimconnect.org/crime-resources/stalking/
Walters, M. L., Chen, J., & Breiding, M. J. (2013). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 Findings on Victimization by Sexual Orientation. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_sofindings.pdf
Zitek, B. (2002). What to do if you—or a patient—is a victim of stalking. Current Psychiatry, 1(3), 34–40.
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What makes a romantic or sexual encounter great? What do people want out of hookups? Everyone has their own answersâlike physical pleasure, feeling connected to their partner, or developing a relationship. One quality, though, is fundamental to all good encounters: mutual desire.
So how can you make your sexual experiences more like your fantasies?
âUnsexy sexâ refers to sexual encounters in which one or both partners are in it for unsexy reasonsâsuch as a sense of obligation, an urge to fit in, or a need to prove something. Good sex is based in genuine desireâthe difference between a reluctant yes and an exuberant yes!
In a sexual or romantic encounter, talking or expressing desire doesnât ruin the mood. Just the oppositeâthis can bring about some of the sexiest moments. These five steps will help you communicate in ways that deepen the pleasure or connection for you and your partner.
Trust your body language |
Why body language works
One of the most important things about communication is how basic it is. As two-year-olds, most of us learn to interpret agreement, refusal, and ambiguity. And we only get better at it over time. We’re very good at interpreting—and giving—signs. These may be in words, tone of voice, or body language.
What does that have to do with romance and sex? If you think you’re making it clear with your body, tone, or words that you do or don’t want something, the person you’re talking to or hooking up with can almost certainly tell.
Humans are highly skilled at understanding acceptance and rejection in sexual and non-sexual contexts, according to researchers. “There are indeed miscommunications in sexual activity (as in all of life), and those miscommunications can certainly get in the way of fulfilling, pleasurable experiences. But they do not cause rape or assault,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean in student affairs at Yale University.
Clarifying affirmative consent
Sometimes, people dismiss the idea of communicating about the different parts of a physical encounter as a series of awkward questions: “May I put my hand on your leg? What about on your belly?” But this denies how we communicate during sex. The vast majority of people pick up on and respond to their partners’ signals. And when people ask outright, it only opens partners up to talk about what they want. This is far from a series of clinical questions or doctor’s checklist.
So trust your body language—and think about how to use it to express what you want. Your might place your partner’s hand where you want to be touched. You might create more space between your bodies and take a moment to talk. You might get closer and talk a little less.
All communication skills can be impaired by alcohol and other substances. If you are unsure whether or not the other person (or you) is able to give consent, call a halt. Mutually enthusiastic sex can be rescheduled.
Some people have genuine difficulty interpreting nonverbal language and social cues. This has implications for establishing mutual sexual consent.
What to say to your partner if understanding body language is hard for you
“I don’t always pick up on body language, so if I misunderstand you, it’s not intentional. Please tell me directly what you want and what you don’t want.”
What to say to your partner if understanding body language is hard for them
“Let’s be direct, so we’re sure to understand each other. I’ll tell you what I want and what I don’t want. What do you want?”
How misunderstandings can happen
“This is mainly about the ability to read other people’s intentions and thoughts,” says Dr. Isabelle HÃĐnault, a sexologist and psychologist based in Montreal, Quebec. “Especially with individuals with Asperger syndrome or other autism conditions, they rarely act out with a negative intention. Any problems are most likely about misreading situations.”
+ Why consent is like a cup of tea
How to communicate clearly
When one or both people have difficulty interpreting body language and other nonverbal cues, “be very concrete, very explicit, very clear,” says Michael Glenn, a clinical social worker and sex educator based in Massachusetts. He recommends disclosing a relevant diagnosis. “I really believe that at this point in time, enough is known about Asperger’s. You may as well label it and discuss it more openly, and make it sound interesting.”
How to develop sexual communication skills
For people who struggle with interpreting social cues, intimate communication skills are best learned with support from a clinician, says Glenn: “They really need a professional who they can talk to in an ongoing way.” Therapists and their clients use role-playing and scripting to build skills. Pornography does not represent social norms or rules, and should not be used as a guide.
+ Seek support from Adult Services at the Asperger/Autism Network [AANE]
Talk about your desires (& theirs) |
Express your desire
Expressing desire is about showing your own enthusiasm—and it’s about shaping a hookup or encounter for the better. Whether you’re looking for pleasure, a feeling of connectedness, or something else, communication is essential. Expressing your own desire helps your partner understand what you’re looking for, and it’s a chance to talk or figure out together what you each want.
In a recent poll by Student Health 101, more than half the respondents (53 percent) said that what makes them feel most desired is their partner telling them “I care about you” or “I desire you.”
Ask what they want
Talking is key, whether you’re going for physical pleasure, trying new things, feeling connected, empowered, or sexy, or something else. “Furthering the conversation in a positive way is fun,” Twanna A. Hines, the sex writer behind the Funky Brown Chick blog and Twitter account, told Student Health 101. Try questions like these, she says: “What are you into? What’s the hottest thing you’ve ever tried?”
Enthusiastic consent
Sometimes this shared excitement is called enthusiastic consent. This is the idea that when people engage in sexual activity, it’s not simply that you both agree to do it—it is something you both actively want. Focusing on your partner’s enthusiasm and finding where your desires overlap makes any encounter better.
“The ideal is a genuinely mutual, engaged, connected encounter that’s working for both people,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, who runs programming designed to create a more positive sexual and romantic culture at Yale University.
Listen, don’t assume |
Listening is always better than assuming
Discussing your desires can feel intimidating. But remember—you are not a mind reader and neither is your partner. Every person comes into a sexual encounter with different goals and experiences. To get to shared desire and enthusiasm, it’s important to be attentive to your partner.
“Hooking up with someone from another country, you know there might be differences you don’t expect, so it’ll be important to communicate well,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean in student affairs at Yale University. “That’s likely to also be true of people whose values and experiences you think you already know.”
When it makes sense to be wary—and when it doesn’t
Listen to your partner. As you signal that you’re open to learning about their desires and what feels good to them, they should respond in kind. If they don’t—pay attention to that. And if your partner stops responding, check in and make sure they’re still OK with this. Remember: quality, not quantity.
Don’t worry about seeming inexperienced or wide-eyed. This kind of open communication will make an encounter more pleasurable, more mutual, more connected.
Talk about the basics ahead of time
Assumptions about what your partner might want are just as likely to prevent mutual engagement and pleasure. And while much communication around desire happens through body language, often things like whether to have sex, or how to do it, need to be talked through. Before you begin a sexual encounter, discuss consent, contraception, and sexually transmitted infections, says sex writer Twanna A. Hines. These conversations can help put people at ease.
To treat your partner as you would want to be treated, go into an encounter trying to understand what they’re looking for and how they want to get there.
Know what you want |
Know what you’re looking for
Thinking about what you want out of an encounter or relationship, and about how you express desire, can help you feel clearer and more confident to pursue what you want.
“The research shows that so many young people are dissatisfied with their sex lives because they don’t understand it’s about quality, not quantity,” Jaclyn Friedman, an activist and a survivor of sexual assault, told Student Health 101. “Let go of the idea that sex is an accomplishment, something to collect, a commodity that we trade in, something one person gives up and the other person gets.”
Prioritize two-way communication
It’s important to look for partners with whom you can communicate in ways that work for both of you. Just as you’ll want to signal that you’re open to hearing what their desires are, you should look for partners who make you feel you can share and discuss your desires with them.
People who don’t seem to pay attention to what you want, who disregard your feelings, are unlikely to be ideal partners. And if you can find someone who values pleasure, mutuality, and emotional connection in ways that you do, or make you think about how you value those things—even if it’s only a one-time thing—then you’re on your way to creating more ideal encounters.
“Unsexy sex” refers to sexual experiences that are consensual but not pleasurable or enthusiastic for everyone involved. The term comes from Dr. Nicola Gavey, professor of psychology at the University of Auckland, who researches the ways that cultural norms influence sexual behavior.
Take the pressure off: Dos & don’ts |
Know what sounds like pressure
In discussing with a partner what you want out of an encounter, it’s important that you don’t pressure them. After all, an ideal encounter is marked by mutual desire and enthusiasm.
Discuss the ground rules
Discuss ground rules: what you want to try, what you don’t want to try, what you might want to try, and maybe safe words as well. (See below.) “Asking open-ended questions—‘How do we have a lot of fun?’—communicates boundaries and seeks to provide pleasure for both parties,” says Twanna A. Hines of the Funky Brown Chick blog.
If you or they want to “give up control”
Exploring sexual roles involving dominance and submission, to whatever degree, plays on the idea that someone has given up control over their own body and desire. That idea is part of the game, but is not the reality. This kind of sexual encounter again relies on mutual agreement, clear expectations and boundaries, and safe words that signal when someone needs to stop or do something differently. Explicit communication and earned trust are essential. (A safe word is a word or phrase you would never otherwise use during sex; for example, “glitter bomb”. You agree in advance that it means “Stop right now and check in”.)
Don’t say |
Do say |
Tell me if anything I do makes you uncomfortable… |
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I’m going to… |
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Time for us to… |
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How students talk about consent
How has a partner (or past partners) let you know they want to have sex or hook up?
What does “enthusiastic consent” mean to you?
Source: Student Health 101 survey, December 2015
Sexual empowerment webinars & info: Amy Jo Goddard
What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame–Free Guide to Sex and Safety: Jaclyn Friedman
Seal Press, 2011
Be the change you want to see: Reid Mihalko
Brochures on sexual culture: Yale University
Find local sexual assault services and other resources: NotAlone.gov
Support with consent skills (contact Adult Services): Asperger/Autism Network [AANE]
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If you have ever attended an event designed to raise awareness of sexual assault and abuse, what did you think of it? Did you feel shocked or moved? Motivated to make your community safer? Or maybe it didnât work for you, and you wished it had been handled differently.
Events on this themeâlike Take Back the Night, Walk a Mile in Her Shoes, and the Clothesline Projectâare designed to build a more positive climate around relationship and gender issues. Many college campuses and other communities host an event like this every year. In a recent survey by Student Health 101, 76 percent of students who responded said they had helped organize at least one of these events or were open to doing so. Addressing any sensitive theme requires us to recognize and avoid certain pitfalls that could undermine the effectiveness of the message. These tactics will help you plan an inclusive and powerful event.
1. Plan early, plan often |
Find your people
Effective events don’t create themselves. Nor are they planned by just one person. Find allies who represent different communities within your campus. See 2. Find your allies.
Talk about your goals for the event
What are you looking to achieve? For example, you might aim to:
Talk about how you can meet your goals
Talk about how you can address your key themes
For example:
Should it be a Take Back the Night event, or another event?
Among sexual assault awareness events, Take Back the Night is the most well known “brand”. Consequently, some people may have certain expectations for what it should be. But planning a Take Back the Night event isn’t very different from planning any other event meant to discuss sexual culture and misconduct. As an organizer, it’s on you to figure out what those expectations are, and discuss them. What should change? What shouldn’t? Ultimately, what’s right for your campus?
+ Don’t skip the Take Back the Night planning manual
2. Find your allies |
When you create a more empowered culture on your college campus, everyone benefits. Your event will be far more effective if people from every corner of campus participate and help promote it. Invite other groups to plan and sponsor the event with you.
Look for allies who are:
Look for allies among different campus groups, organizations, and services:
The importance of inclusion and diversity
In a recent survey by Student Health 101, students recommended ways to make Take Back the Nights more successful. One of their most recurring themes was the importance of diversifying the participant lineup and broadening the audience.
“If I were organizing an event, I would definitely try to find a more diverse group of people to present.”
—Recent graduate, University of New Mexico
“I think the most effective message was the number of people that showed up.”
—Recent graduate, University of New Hampshire
“I would do a poll to see what people wanted to hear about most or who from before choosing the speaker.”
—First-year undergraduate, South Dakota School of Mines and Technology
“The most important thing I saw [at the event] was a community that actively believed in and helped women.”
—Second-year undergraduate, University of Miami, Florida
“I would try to have more outreach as well as include representation from all walks of life, including the LGBTQ community, to show that [sexual assault and misconduct] can happen all the time.”
—Fourth-year online undergraduate, State University of New York, Empire State College
3. Set the right tone |
What kind of tone and mood will help accomplish your goals?
Take Back the Night and similar events can take different moods. An event may be somber (for example, small-group discussions that facilitate spontaneous sharing about personal experiences), or loud (for example, dynamic speakers addressing a sizeable audience).
Include varying stories
Every event on this theme should focus on inclusiveness:
Plan a cohesive itinerary
Any single event can involve several activities. How will the line-up and order of these various elements affect your audience’s emotional experience?
Find an MC
At the event, you will need to make clear who’s helping to guide it. Your MC is not there to dominate the event, but to set the right tone and keep things going smoothly. Consider:
Anticipate and address possible ethical and legal implications
+ For guidance, see the TBTN Planning Manual.
Link to other campaigns and events
TBTN or similar events can be a great opportunity to plan other educational events and promote relevant messages on your campus.
“My school was really big on normalizing sex in the first few weeks, so that we could have a very open policy on campus. It was nice to hear that no matter what your opinions are on having sex you were going to be accepted.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Sarah Lawrence College, New York
Set the mood through a cohesive itinerary
“The event featured an improv group. The way they did things by trying to keep the mood light helped me learn about sexual assault prevention better.”
—First-year undergraduate, Johnson & Wales University, Rhode Island
“It’s a serious topic but it doesn’t have to be a talked about in an angry manner. Don’t spout a cause, try to have a conversation.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Portland State University, Oregon
“I think the least effective [element of the event] was using fear messages, because it made people more inclined to look away.”
—Second-year graduate student, California State University, San Bernardino
“It would have been more effective if it focused less on shaming sex and more on open communication and understanding.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Mount Wachusett Community College, Massachusetts
+ Why consent is like a cup of tea
Think about gender
“I was there to learn and to support an effort to eliminate sexual assault of all types, but I left early because I felt unwelcome. Men are [also] victims of sexual assault and domestic abuse [and it is] under-reported because of the stigma. To engage a broader audience, it makes sense to avoid implying that only women get to have ‘ownership’ of this issue and that men are the ones to blame for all of it.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Missouri University of Science and Technology
“Quit pathologizing [people] who are assaulted and start pathologizing people who assault. Sometimes I feel like women are being preached to that they need to do things differently, versus changing the system that allows some people to continue victimizing others.”
—Second-year graduate student, Western Illinois University
4. Present varied stories |
Some TBTNs are known for powerful accounts of sexual assault shared by their participants. The last thing you want, however, is for participants to feel their stories have to fit a certain mold. Setting an inclusive tone will ensure that more people feel comfortable sharing their varied stories.
Key speakers
As you think about your goals, you may want to approach some people ahead of time to be speakers at the event. Seeking out varied stories from diverse people can be a subtle way to create a more welcoming space—a crucial element of a positive campus climate in which everyone feels empowered. Speakers’ themes could include:
Diverse speakers and participants
Lots of different people have personal experience with sexual violence and want to end it. Survivors can be of any gender, sexual orientation, or age. Some may have been assaulted as children, others as adults. Ensure that your event includes and supports people who describe and address different kinds of experiences in different ways. Include men and transgender people.
Understand the power of stories
“Hearing survivors’ stories really made me want to be more involved in preventing sexual assault.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, University of West Georgia
“When they held the ‘rape is not a joke’ seminar they had students read their stories and tell their own stories. It worked. It was good! There was a shift in the audience, like people were starting to understand.”
—Fifth-year undergraduate, University of Wisconsin, Oshkosh
Think about gender
“The most effective message to me was a rally I went to when I was in community college before transferring. It mentioned how it’s not always woman who could be assaulted but can be a man as well. An actual guy came out to tell his story.”
—Fourth-year graduate student, Park University, Missouri
Include hopeful stories
“The guest speaker was a victim of domestic violence and hearing her story and that she is now helping other women escape their similar situations was very inspiring.”
—Third-year undergraduate, University of New Mexico
“I was able to step in other people’s shoes for a moment and try to see sexual assault events not as simply a place to talk about a taboo topic and a super-bad thing, but also as a way for people to share the healing that came after.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, California State University, San Marcos
Make it easier to share
“It was effective to hear survivor stories in a safe space. We were sitting in auditorium seats with the lights very low. Anyone could start sharing their stories without feeling like everyone’s eyes were on them.”
—Third-year graduate student, University of Delaware
5. Make it about more than speaking |
Personal stories are at the center of almost every TBTN or similar event. But they shouldn’t be the whole picture. Think of any good event that you’ve been to—even a talk about a serious subject. Was there food? Something to drink? Music? Did the event planners actively involve the audience? There’s no reason why your event shouldn’t have all these things. There are lots of models for successful events. It’s up to you and your fellow planners to figure out what’s right for your campus.
Some options include:
Wrap up
And don’t forget about ending the event! Help your audience wind down and feel hopeful. This could be another opportunity to bring in music, especially something that everyone can participate in. In addition, ensure that people who may need support know where to get it.
Make it interactive
“Events where I was participating rather than just spectating were most effective at teaching me new ideas and concepts. I remember this one event in which everyone was put in groups and we all shared our own experiences, laughed, cried, and bonded. I felt that was one of the most powerful learning moments in my life.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, California State University, San Marcos
Promote actionable strategies
“I think the most effective point I learned was how to be an effective bystander if I ever witnessed sexual assault. I feel it is useful because I will know what actions to take.”
—Third-year undergraduate, University of California, Los Angeles
“Focus on behavior and actions that do not support the ideas that possible assaulters may have. Create an environment where it is obvious that rape and such are not acceptable, [where people] step up when that seems to be a problem. That was the most effective [message] because I had never heard of the argument for culture before. Usually such events are about specific actions and preventing yourself from being harmed.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, Missouri University of Science and Technology
Find different ways to say it
“I went to the Clothesline Project and I thought that the personal messages that each victim wrote on each shirt were very powerful. Their stories affected me and seemed so real and awful.”
—Second-year graduate student, University of North Dakota
Wind down and wrap up
“The night would have been more effective if there was a debriefing after everyone shared their stories. Everyone who spoke was willing to be open and raw, so it is important to wrap up in a way that alleviated the heaviness. Take Back the Night should end in a way that is productive and hopeful of change.”
—Graduate student, University of Delaware
Provide resources for follow-up
“When I was in the Queer club the most positive thing was that we were able to understand and connect with one another through our life stories. [Downside:] It made you think to the point of more depression, and sometimes to the point that we should have a one-on-one talk.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Pasadena City College, California
6. If you want to keep it simple |
A costume-making party
Instead of people feeling like they have to put together a costume at the last minute for Halloween or some other event, and feeling uncomfortable in another sexy toga, you and friends can pool money to make costumes together. Felt, feathers, and paper can make a Robin Hood, iPhone, or any other number of easy costumes that people can feel comfortable and empowered in. Search online for costume ideas.
Consensual pizzas
Have you ever heard hooking up or sex described as being like eating a pizza? People decide together what toppings they’d like. They eat as much of eat pizza as they want. The pizza metaphor is less competitive and aggressive than the old metaphor that sex is like baseball (second base, home run, etc.). To host a consensual pizza-making event, stock up on pizza fixings, get access to an oven, and invite people to talk about consent. They’ll come for the food and stay for the conversation.
Athletic performance and sexual performance
On many college campuses, small groups of athletes are getting together to talk frankly about sex and sports. How do athlete-students think about balancing relationships, their sports, and their academics? How can events reported in the mainstream media be used to help build a supportive campus community?
“The [sexual violence prevention event] that was probably most effective was targeting athletes, due to some of the behaviors seen in professional players. They pushed for men to step up and act like men…Additionally, they talked about everyone’s responsibility to intervene if they suspect or see sexual assault occurring.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, Henderson State University, Arkansas
Event planning manual: Take Back the Night
Your guide to events: Take Back the Night
Why diverse stories matter: Good magazine
How to start a Clothesline Project: Clothesline Project
Organize to walk: Walk a Mile in Her Shoes
Addressing campus concerns: Know Your IX
Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard: Chip Heath & Dan Heath
Broadway Business, 2010
Step Up! intervention program: University of Arizona