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What are we talking about when we talk about stalking? The word has become a reference to nosing around each otherâs Facebook timelinesâor to unhealthy but not persistent choices, like that one miserable weekend when you drove past your exâs place three times. Weâre not here to talk about those. Weâre talking about patterns of behaviors that cause substantial emotional distress to another person and may seriously compromise their sense of safety. Sometimes, these behaviors escalate to attempted sexual assault or other kinds of violence.
Stalking is more common on campuses than off, studies show. It is widely underreported and can affect anyone. âMost stalking is by men of women, but men can be stalked too,â says Detective Mark Kurkowski of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Departmentâs Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri. Students who are transgender, genderqueer, or gender nonconforming may be especially vulnerable, a 2015 survey suggests (AAU Climate Survey on Sexual Assault and Sexual Misconduct).
Although stalking is a crime in all 50 states, it is often missed or minimizedâeven by people whose lives are disrupted by it. See Studentsâ stories; Stalking it over (next page).
Most definitions of stalking come from the Violence Against Women Act and its 2013 reauthorization. âStalkingâ means engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to (A) fear for his or her safety or the safety of others, or (B) suffer substantial emotional distress.â
Two things are important about this, experts say:
What stalking may look like
This list of stalking behaviors comes from the Stalking Resource Center, a collaboration between the National Center for Victims of Crime and the US Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women. Stalking does not necessarily involve all of these behaviors.
We may not recognize stalking or be reluctant to label it.
Here are some of the reasons:
Don’t be that person: How to handle your obsessive thoughts
If you have engaged in stalking behaviors, you could benefit from developing your interpersonal and social skills.
You would likely also benefit from an emotional health evaluation. Stalking can overlap with conditions such as depression, substance abuse, and personality issues, which may be alleviated or managed through treatment and support.
Next steps
Therapy for obsessive thoughts and behaviors
Appropriate therapy for stalking-related issues involves you working individually with a clinician. The approach is guided by your mindset and the underlying issue (for example, whether you are struggling with rejection, social awkwardness, or delusional thinking). The therapeutic work may include:
Stalking-type behaviors can show up in students who are not yet well-adjusted to the dating environment of college. Behaviors such as excessive texting may not reflect malign intent or emotional illness. Students making this mistake are in many cases open to hearing from peers, an RA, or a staff or faculty member about how their behaviors are being perceived and experienced by others.
“I followed her social media closely and thought about her a lot. It was difficult to not call her (and I often did it late at night after drinking...which I regret). Taking better care of my own mental and physical self would have helped. Counseling would probably have helped too. It was a close friend who got me through all that.”
—Male third-year undergraduate, Johns Hopkins University, Maryland
“I was feeling lovesick after a breakup. Nothing malicious, but I found myself wanting to hang out in areas where they might be, and search for them online. Therapy helped, as did finding constructive ways to distract myself.”
—Female third-year undergraduate, Sonoma State University, California
“I have intentionally loitered or taken a certain route in hopes of running into a certain person. I could have managed my feelings more constructively by doing something more productive with my time, and accepting that the person was probably bored of our conversations.”
—Female fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario
“The first few times when you fall in love, you won’t know how to deal with these feelings. These are mistakes anyone can make, especially those who have deep ingrained trust issues.”
—Male, fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario
“I wanted to be closer friends with this person, and the thought of that person being happy with other people made a little sad. I have a ‘need to be needed’ so that may have influenced the desire to give that particular person lots of gifts. I didn’t do anything else. It was a valuable learning experience in terms of interpersonal relationships and how to manage them. It also allowed me to slightly empathize with those who are currently similar to that ‘Past-Me.’”
—Female fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario
Chances are your friend isn’t quoting the Violence Against Women Act. They may not even use the word “stalking.” Even so, it’s important to take seriously initial concerns about stalking behaviors, and to act early, says Detective Mark Kurkowski, of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department’s Domestic Abuse Response Team, Missouri. “Respond to stalking cases before [they involve] violent threats or [run to] years of stalking,” he says. Here’s how to do that:
Allow them to tell their story the way they want to tell it. Do not underestimate how powerful listening is.
“Allow them to tell their story the way they want to tell it,” says Jennifer Landhuis of the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence. Do not underestimate how powerful listening is. “Sometimes the trauma will make them minimize what’s been happening, because they’re in the middle of it. That outside touchstone can make a big difference.”
All the methods they’ve tried have failed.
âĶ or what you think they should have done to make the stalking behavior stop. “By the time stalking victims are reaching out and telling people about what’s going on, all the methods they’ve tried have failed,” says Landhuis.
As their friend, you’ll have some idea of what other challenges they may be facing; the stalking might be one part of a difficult semester.
Your friend is your friend, not just a stalking victim. As their friend, you’ll have some idea what other challenges they may be facing; the stalking might be one part of a difficult semester. All the pressures and challenges in their life are important in how you think about helping. “Unless you try to consider everything they come to the table with, you might not be able to help,” says Landhuis.
Stalking resources are less familiar to most of us than sexual assault; options are available on and off campus.
Check out these 4 ways to harness the power of your social network.
Social networks are powerful. Here’s how to harness that power:
Safety plans and apps can help.
“In any stalking situation, you should be doing safety planning,” Det. Kurkowski says. Safety plans use what a victim knows about a stalker to reduce the risk of harm to themselves and those around them. For example, avoid places where the stalker tends to hang out; if the stalker shows up, have a safe exit plan ready. In addition, look for evaluated safety apps that can address your friend’s needs.
This is essential to any disciplinary process or police report.
“Documentation is key—whether it be text messages, emails, Facebook postings, whatever. Don’t erase anything, don’t delete anything, make sure there’s a way to prove that this happened over a period of time,” says Det. Kurkowski. Take screenshots of social media posts and learn how to download a copy of Facebook messages.
Avoid using language that minimizes how harmful and dangerous stalking can be.
Some victims minimize the behaviors that threaten their safety, or blame themselves. In that case, look at those behaviors: Is someone following them around, tracking them somehow, or not taking “no” for an answer? “Many people who don’t use the word ‘stalking’ will say, ‘That is happening to me,’” says Landhuis. “Help to educate your friend. What does stalking look like, what does it feel like, what does it sound like?”
Your school’s stalking policies may be included in its sexual harassment and assault policies.
Your Title IX office, public safety/security office, and/or counseling center can provide resources and support.
Comprehensive info and tools: Stalking Resource Center
Make a safety plan: Stalking Resource Center
Reduce your online exposure: SafeShepherd
Find help with technological abuse: Safety Net Project
Tools for tech safety and privacy: National Network to End Domestic Violence
Prevent and address online harassment: Speak Up & Stay Safe(r)
Mark Kurkowski, detective, Domestic Abuse Response Team, St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department, Missouri.
Jennifer Landhuis, director, Social Change, the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence.
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