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The holidays are coming up, and I know two things for certain: (1) My aunt will re-gift me an old book and pretend she bought it for me, and (2) someone will start an argument at the big family dinner. It’s usually good-natured bickering, but now and then, it gets heated—and sometimes I get pulled in. Even though we love each other, we can end up saying angry or hurtful things, and it takes time for everyone to calm down. Maybe you’ve been in a situation like that before.

When we find ourselves getting upset with someone, we have two choices. We could cut loose and vent our emotions, which is tempting and might feel satisfying at the time. But those feelings of relief won’t last long. In the end, you might hurt people’s feelings and deepen the conflict.

OK, so maybe we really have only one choice, or at least one good one—we can apply strategies to calm down, see our emotions clearly, and respond rather than react. As the great psychiatrist Victor Frankl wrote, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is the power to choose our response.”

In the video below, I share one method for calming down in the midst of a conflict. Give it a watch, then give it a try. Happy holidays.[/vc_column_text][vc_column_text][school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,counselingservices’] Get help or find out more

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Dirty coffee mugs are lodged in the windowsill, clothes litter the floor, and the ice cream you were planning to dig into after class is gone—again. Either someone broke into your space or you have a roommate, am I right?

Whether your life in your shared space is smooth and easy, filled with an occasional bit of trouble, or a near-daily battle of “this is not really happening,” we could all benefit from some tips on how to make (and keep) the peace with the people we live with. If you fall into that last category, you’re not alone. About half of all first-year college students struggle with roommate issues frequently or occasionally, according to 2009 research from the Higher Education Research Institute at the University of California, Los Angeles. And that’s significant—a stressful home situation can affect you in real ways.

• How you do in class: Roommate issues are more likely to prevent you from doing your best academic work than issues with drinking or homesickness, according to the American College Health Association National College Health Assessment (Fall 2016).

• How you feel: Your connection with your roommate helps shape your mental well-being and your ability to adjust at college, according to research published in 2014 in Journal of Student Affairs Research and Practice. College students who reported frequent roommate issues had higher stress levels than those who peacefully shared their spaces, according to a 2005 study in the Journal of American College Health. There’s also data showing that poor relationship dynamics can trigger an uptick in anxiety and depression, says Dr. Amy Canevello, an assistant professor at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte and a researcher on roommate relationships.

Some of the most common complaints among roommates are things we’ve all had to deal with at some point. OK, they’re also probably things we have all done at some point, including shirking basic responsibilities (like cleaning those crusty coffee mugs), snagging snacks, and showing a lack of respect for the space and the other person in it (like that time your girlfriend moved in for three weeks). Sound familiar?

So, rather than brushing things under the (unswept) rug, how can you set things up so you both feel comfortable bringing up what’s bugging you?[/vc_column_text][vc_column_text][/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]

Start it off the right way

Yes, there is a right way. It includes making and sticking with a plan from day one. Here’s how:[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”1. Get together to discuss the details” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]“Research in many contexts tells us that people will be more likely to abide by rules that they themselves develop,” says Dr. Linda Stamato, co-director of the Center for Negotiation and Conflict Resolution at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey. So get together and develop them. Make sure everyone chimes in on what they want for the space and agrees on the details, including what happens when rules turn into loose suggestions. Because they will.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”2. Put it on paper…or Google drive” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Living on campus? Your school might require that you sign a roommate agreement. Living in an apartment off campus? Yeah, you’re not off the hook either. Don’t shrug off the details here. Be clear about your expectations from the get-go. “You may think it’s obvious to clean a dish after you use it, and someone else may not. They may think it’s normal to leave a pile of dirty clothes in the corner, and someone else may find that disgusting. We are all human, so we probably will fall short on a few things once in a while, but it’s good to know that there is a standard set by each of you [that] can keep you accountable,” says Daniella C., a third-year graduate student at Emory University in Georgia and a former resident advisor.

• Sample roommate contract

• 25 questions to ask your future roommate

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”3. Commit to communicate” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Real talk: If you can figure out how to break down the awkward and talk about the stuff that bugs you early on, you’re setting yourself up for a roommate situation that works. Struggle with speaking up? Try jotting it down. “It could be helpful to make a list of your concerns that can be shared with a roommate,” says Dr. Michelle Jefferson, campus dean of students at Douglass Residential College at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey. Just be sure to have a plan for dealing with the concerns in person once they’ve been brought up.

What to do when stuff goes down

You nailed down the details, made the agreement, spoke up when things were on your mind—and there’s still a problem. We’ve all been there. So now what?

First, bring it up as quickly as possible. If you don’t talk about it, your frustration will fester, and that’s a loss for everyone. Here are some ways to approach it:[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Keep blame out of it” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Launching into a gripe session about everything your roommate has ever done wrong means they’ll probably tune you out ASAP. You’ll do better by framing a problem as something to solve together—start off by introducing the issue using “I” statements. When you start talking solutions, use “we” rather than “you.” Feeling that everyone is responsible for improving the relationship can help all of you be more responsive, Dr. Canevello says.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Listen better” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]It seems so much easier than it actually is. Active listening means concentrating on and processing what someone is saying without simultaneously prepping your comeback. Take time to understand their words rather than blurting out the response that you spent the last five minutes crafting, Dr. Canevello says. And remember that most of us have good intentions. Just because your roommate is falling short on dish duty doesn’t mean they’re trying to intentionally set you off. We’re all doing the best we can, and it helps to keep that in mind when you hear them out.

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Aim to understand” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]We overestimate our own contributions to keeping our living space clean (and peaceful) and simultaneously underestimate what our roommates do, according to behavioral economist Dr. Dan Ariely. And that can lead to some not-so-good feelings about the people you’re living with. Dr. Ariely explains that because we’re intimately familiar with the details of our own tasks (think about the smell of the moldy cheese you pulled out of the refrigerator drawer), we minimize the things that others do. And then we resent them for it. “The particulars of our own chores are clear to us, but we tend to view our partners’ labors only in terms of the outcomes. We discount their contributions because we understand them only superficially,” Dr. Ariely told the Wall Street Journal.

How can you fix it? Either change up your chores every now and then so you get acquainted with the details of their tasks or simply ask your roommates to share the gruesome details of their chores—step-by-step. Once you hear all about it, you may view them in a whole new light.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Come at it with compassion” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]OK, we’re not all going to love our roommates; it’s just life. But you can make a conscious choice to care about their well-being—and that can make a big difference in how you interact. “It changes how you construe problems and how you approach them,” Dr. Canevello says.

Roommates who had “compassionate goals,” or goals related to others’ well-being and happiness, were less stressed—and they gave and received greater support—than those whose goals focused on themselves, according to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2010).

What to do when it’s not getting better

Sometimes you just can’t solve this stuff on your own, and that’s where your RAs, counselors, staff, faculty, and others on your team come in. Reach out to them; they’re there for you, and they know how to help. Here’s what that might look like:[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”A third-party mediation situation” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]This could be an RA, a fellow student, a staff member, your dog. (Probably not that last one, though.) An unbiased third party can listen to problems and help construct resolutions. “Using mediators allows students to surface issues that they may be uncomfortable talking about directly with the person(s) with whom they are in conflict,” Stamato says.

“Roommate issues were one of the most common issues I dealt with while I was an RA,” says Samantha E., a fourth-year student at the University of North Dakota. “Almost all of my residents who ever came to me about these types of issues were able to resolve them and form a better relationship by talking it out.”

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Revisit your roommate contract” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Remember that? Surprise—it’s actually helpful. If yours included things such as watch Game of Thrones every night while devouring pizza, you might want to make some changes to address the stuff that keeps coming up. Talk to your RA, other staff members, or another third-party mediator about how to make it work this time around, and agree to reference it if issues come up in the future.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Know when it’s time to bow out” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23666699″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Sometimes, a living situation just can’t be resolved, and you need to find new accommodations. Live on campus? Talk to your RA or resident life office about how to amicably make the switch so that everyone can live happily ever after—just not together. Live elsewhere? Read through the terms of your lease and the consequences of breaking it. You may be able to sublet your room or pay a nominal fee, both of which can be a worthy exchange for peace of mind.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] [school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,counselingservices, studentsucess, studentsucess, helpdesk’] Get help or find out more [survey_plugin] Article sources[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

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How often are you baffled by someone’s refusal to share (or even see) your point of view? As a species, humans are not terribly effective at changing other people’s minds, a frustration that all of us have likely encountered online and in person, or maybe in class. Commonly, we react to the other person’s point of view rather than listening and responding thoughtfully. As a result, we often don’t hear others—and aren’t heard ourselves. Part of this is about human brain baggage: Psychological research has revealed the subconscious biases that make us resistant to unwelcome evidence. That said, it’s not hopeless. The following techniques can help us communicate more effectively—strengthening our relationships, reducing our stress, and setting us up for the Nobel Peace Prize (or at least a good grade for class participation).

1. Decide whether it’s worth the effort

Not every annoyance is worth a fight, according to Jonathan Herring and Leigh Thompson in Learn the Art of Logic and Persuasion (FT Press, 2013). If you argue about everything that bothers you, “you’re going to end up stressed out, frustrated, and damaging your relationship,” they write. Be selective with your arguing energies. If an issue is causing you emotional distress, that’s a clue that it may be worthwhile to talk it through.

2. Pick a good time

Instead of telling the person that you want to talk, ask if now (or later, or tomorrow) would be a good time. “When you ask someone if they want to talk, it makes them feel like you’re being considerate of them,” says Tracy Hornig, director of mediation at the Center for Resolutions, a nonprofit providing dispute resolution services in Pennsylvania.

3. Jot down your points

Write a letter to the person or notes for yourself. This can help you work out what to say and think about how it may come across. Realizing what not to say is useful too. For example, it’s OK to talk about the impact of abolishing taxes or outlawing guns, but don’t make assumptions about the other person’s intention—we commonly get this wrong.

4. Determine a backup plan

Decide beforehand that if you start to feel out of control, you’ll take time out. “One thing people do in conflict is react,” says Hornig. “When things are getting heated, the ability to get grounded is key.” Try listening to music, watching some funny videos, or talking with a supportive friend.

1. Reframe your frustration

It’s OK if you don’t manage to change someone’s mind. Humans are quirky creatures, and our quirks include a resistance to evidence that seems to threaten our own worldviews. “When your deepest convictions are challenged by contradictory evidence, your beliefs get stronger,” blogged David McRaney, author of You Are Not So Smart (Gotham, 2011)—a phenomenon known as the “backfire effect.” It’s OK to disengage from an argument and reconvene later (or not). Often, your time and energies can be used more productively elsewhere.

2. See what you can learn from it

Think about your experience through the lens of the five steps outlined in this article. We can all benefit from becoming better listeners, finding common ground, and seeing positive elements in positions that don’t work for us overall. We can gain a better sense of where someone is coming from without having to agree with their conclusions. Sometimes, we won’t see eye-to-eye no matter how hard we try, and it’s OK to agree to disagree. This isn’t necessarily about giving ground. These are skills that can help us personally and professionally throughout our lives. Arguments aren’t going away—we’ll all get plenty of opportunities to practice.

3. Use mechanisms for preventing future feuds

If your argument is with the people in your life, look for solutions that can satisfy all parties. For example, if you’re arguing with roommates over who should do the chores, you might not agree on whose turn it is, but you can probably all agree that the house should be kept clean—so suggest that you create a chore schedule to assign tasks and avoid future conflict. For a roommate agreement template, see Get help or find out more.

1. Use “I” statements

Statements that start with “I feel” or “I think” will help you avoid giving the impression that you’re blaming or accusing. “It’s hard for someone to tell you that what you’re feeling or what you think is wrong,” says Hornig. “After saying how you feel, explain why you feel that way.”

2. Pay attention to your language and tone

“Think about the words you’re choosing and how you’re responding, because it will affect how they respond,” says Hornig. Considered, thoughtful responses are more effective than quips, according to a 2016 study by researchers at Cornell University. Avoid insults and blameworthy phrases like, “You’re wrong” or “Just calm down.” (Probably no one in history has ever calmed down because they were told to.) This is where those “I” statements come in handy.

3. Don’t quote the person you’re arguing with

This can be hard to resist. But quoting the other person comes across as nitpicky. It can also be unfair, because we all use language casually sometimes. After all, these are conversations and comment threads, not legal briefings. If you’re homing in on their wording, you’re unlikely to influence their opinion, according to the 2016 Cornell study.

4. Address points that the other person didn’t

Say the other person isn’t impressed by the concept that same-sex marriage is about equal rights. Try talking instead about love and family. This strategy worked effectively for LGBTQ campaigners. In the 2016 Cornell study, online arguments were relatively effective when their points and themes were different from those of the original poster.

5. Use real-life examples and anecdotes

Abstract concepts, such as “justice” or “racism,” are less compelling than real-life examples, according to research. Similarly, we tend to find personal stories more affecting than statistics—although statistics can help show that the stories we’re telling aren’t unusual.

6. Team up

Arguments are more persuasive when they’re coming from a group, according to the 2016 study. That said, don’t make the other person feel targeted. Social dynamics are as relevant online as they are face-to-face. “There are lots of social group formation, hierarchies, and dynamic structures that can have considerable effects on how things move and evolve both online and consequently in the off-line world,” Dr. Taha Yasseri, a researcher at the Oxford Internet Institute in the UK, told the Washington Post.

5 steps to constructive conflict

1. Let the other person make their point

Really pay attention to what the other person is saying or writing. Let them finish their thoughts. “Active listening” includes concentrating on (and understanding) the other person’s position, instead of making assumptions about their intention and thinking about what you’ll say next. When it’s your turn to talk or comment, ask them to do the same.

2. Summarize their position

“What I heard you say was….” Aim to be clear, vivid, and fair. Ideally, the other person will wish they’d put it that way. This time-honored advice came from the late social psychologist Anatol Rapoport and was among his key rules for constructive arguing. Rapoport’s rules are the best way to avoid caricaturing and mocking your opponent, says the philosopher Daniel Dennett.

3. Mention any points of agreement

The other person will be more receptive if they know you recognize where your perspectives overlap, especially on points that don’t already have widespread acceptance. For example, we can all agree that life is fairer when everyone is able to reach their potential. What’s harder is agreeing on the best ways to make that happen. If you and the other person are in sync on parts of this, point that out.

4. Acknowledge what you have learned from your opponent

We can learn from each other even when we’re not in full agreement. Again, this is about demonstrating that you’ve considered their points and are approaching this in good faith. This approach makes your opponent more receptive to your dissent, as Dennett points out in Intuition Pumps and Other Tools for Public Thinking (Norton, 2013).

5. Then give your response

Only now should you venture into rebuttal, disagreement, or criticism. And yes, how you handle this matters. Some strategies may be familiar to you—others likely won’t.

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