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We all want campuses without sexual violence, but it can be hard to know where to start. In-the-moment strategies like bystander intervention are powerful tools to make our communities safer, but how can we proactively build cultures in which everyone feels safe and respected?

Sexual violence doesn’t come out of nowhere: It emerges from everyday patterns of disrespect and pressure. In any culture that normalizes low-level disrespect, it’s harder to spot coercion and force. What’s low-level disrespect? It’s when your female classmate is objectified because of the length of her skirt. Or that time your roommate hooked up with someone he wasn’t really into because “that’s what guys are supposed to do.” It’s every time someone makes a rape joke—and every time someone laughs. It contributes to a culture of disrespect, and a culture of disrespect provides camouflage for violence. It functions as “the cultural scaffolding” of sexual assault, wrote Dr. Nicola Gavey, professor of psychology at the University of Auckland, in New Zealand, in her book Just Sex? The Cultural Scaffolding of Rape (Routledge, 2005).

In contrast, when we expect respect and mutuality, it’s much easier to spot behaviors that don’t fit that norm. By challenging casual disrespect when we see it—and setting up conversations so that disrespect doesn’t happen in the first place—we can build communities where everyone expects to be treated well.

This means that even small actions can have a big impact in building a safe, supportive campus culture. By ensuring that all of our conversations about romance, sex, and social life are respectful, we can help to dismantle “the cultural scaffolding” of assault. And that starts with you—your friends and your conversations. Here’s how to make sure those convos are building the community you want.

Ask better questions

Too often, our casual conversations set the expectation that everyone is doing the same things when it comes to romance and sex. If your crew gets together for brunch on Sunday, is everyone expected to share stories about hookups the night before? Conversations like this create “ambient pressure”: a feeling that you must act a certain way in order to fit in. Ambient pressure is a problem in its own right, and also makes interpersonal pressure easier by suggesting that people’s desires aren’t important.

If your friends regularly have conversations like this, you can help shift them in a more positive direction. Start by asking better questions.

These questions reduce ambient pressure by removing some of the assumptions about what people are doing and how they’re talking about it. Bonus points for making your conversations more interesting and less rom com.   

Tell different stories

Try sharing stories of times when things went well in unexpected or nontraditional ways, like when you met someone at a party and ended the night talking Shakespeare sonnets and downing pizza instead of hooking up. There are a number of dangerous myths about campus sexual culture, such as the false belief that everyone wants to be having more sex than they’re currently having, that no one wants to get into anything serious because everyone is looking for hookups, that “casual” sexual encounters can’t be intimate, and so on.

Sharing diverse experiences and stories is a powerful way of disrupting these myths and offering more positive alternatives. If you had a great Saturday night binge-watching House of Cards with your roommate, then say so!

Positive change involves people inspiring each other—and that starts with telling different stories. In a study, college students who reported drinking heavily received info on how much their peers were actually drinking, and spoiler alert, it was less than they thought. Six weeks later, the heavy drinkers were consuming less alcohol and drinking less often, according to The Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (2000). This is an example of how social norms work: Expectations about how we should act actually affect how we do act. Once we realize that others are doing things differently, we adjust ourselves accordingly. This can work in your favor when it comes to convos about hookups: By demonstrating that there are many positive, respectful ways to be social, you can challenge social norms that give rise to pressure.

Figure out what matters to you—and live it

In order to build a culture that reflects your values, you first need to figure out what those are. “Communities feel more connected and supportive when the people in them have a clear idea of what they want their culture to be like and are actively working toward that ideal,” wrote Chip Heath of Stanford University and Dan Heath of Duke University in Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard (Broadway Business, 2010), which examines individual, organizational, and social transformations.

Ask your communities (i.e., the clubs you’re in, the groups you belong to, and the friends you spend your time with) what they see as their shared goals. This doesn’t have to be scary or even formal; having an awesome group of people to lean on is a legit goal. When we’re all focused on a positive value—like genuine friendship, interdependence, or mutual trust—it’s easier to ensure that everyone is treated well. “Identifying shared community values is a critical step in building safe, supportive communities in which everyone can thrive,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in Connecticut.

Think about what you want from your interactions

It also helps to think about what you want from any given interaction, whether it’s meeting up with a couple of friends at your place or hosting a party. When we’re actively thinking about what we want out of our social events, we can ensure that they reflect and support what matters to us.

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• Why are you hosting this event or going to this hangout? What do you want from it?
• What are you hoping to get out of it? What are you hoping others will get out of it? Do you want to meet new friends, to relax with a small group, or to try something new?
• What vibe do you want? Intimate, classy, chill, or something else?
• Now that the big stuff is sorted, how will you make sure your goals are met? Think about everything from the theme to the space, music, food and drinks, invites, etc.
• What options are there? What choices do you or others have about what to wear, drink, and do?

By mindfully planning and attending events that reflect our values, we can create and support spaces without ambient pressure, and where interpersonal pressure stands out. Well-planned events with lots of options also mean more fun for the people coming and less stress for the people planning. That’s a win.

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The power of small change

It all comes down to this—a culture in which respect is the norm is our most effective protection against sexual assault. And respect starts small. By making subtle changes to our everyday conversations and in our everyday interactions, we can work together to build a community where everyone can thrive. So let’s do that.

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Most of us have supported friends through difficult times, such as a break-up, academic pressure, or family issues. But how do we step up and provide support when friends and loved ones experience sexual assault and other forms of sexual violence? Especially when the person who experienced the assault is male?

Social pressure and stereotypes about gender can make it particularly challenging for men who’ve been assaulted to talk about their experiences. If one of your male friends or loved ones is assaulted, it’s important that you know you’re in a position to help.

Many of the challenges men face reflect social pressure: ideas that sexual assault makes them less masculine, that women can’t assault men, or that “real men” don’t talk about or get help for painful experiences. “Some men fear that they’ll be seen as less of a man,” says Dr. Jim Hopper, a researcher, therapist, and instructor at Harvard Medical School. “If they’re heterosexual, they may fear people will doubt their sexuality. And if they’re gay or bisexual, they may blame the assault on their sexuality in a way that further stigmatizes their being gay or bisexual.”

Addressing stereotypes

A common belief is that sexual violence only affects women. In fact, many men have unwanted sexual experiences, as both children and adults. One in six men in the US is sexually assaulted before age 18, according to studies from the 1980s to the early 2000s. In 2015, seven percent of men reported being sexually assaulted while attending college, according to a study by the Washington Post and the Kaiser Family Foundation. Regardless of the targeted man’s sexual orientation, both men and women perpetrate these assaults, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (2013).

“Sex, gender identity, and race can all influence how an experience like this affects someone, but it’s very important you have no presumption about what it feels like to your friend—so listen,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in Connecticut.

Talking to your friend about what happened

Everyone is different. People’s varying personalities and circumstances affect how they respond to an unwanted sexual experience and what we can do to help. For example, some people want lots of hugs, while some prefer verbal support. The most important thing is to relate to your friend in a way that can help him feel empowered and connected. As a friend, you’re in a great position to do this.

When a friend discloses an experience of violence, it’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions, such as shock, confusion, sadness, or anger. In the moment, keep the conversation focused on your friend’s emotions, not your own.

“Many people who experience sexual violence also experience some degree of self-blame,” says Dr. Boyd. “Partially, that’s just what people do when something bad happens: We go over the events in our head, hunting for things we could have done differently. It’s a way of regaining a sense of control. In the case of sexual violence, though, survivors also have to contend with victim-blaming patterns that run through our culture. So it’s important that friends help them push back against that. Be careful not to say or ask anything that might suggest blame—and affirm for your friend that he did the best he could in a difficult, complicated situation.”

Here are four ways you can be there for your friend

As challenging an experience as a sexual assault may be, it’s not as though your friend has become an entirely different person. The “othering” of people who’ve been assaulted—treating them differently—can be just as dangerous as ignoring or minimizing unwanted sexual experiences, according to researchers Nicola Gavey and Johanna Schmidt (Violence Against Women, 2011). Avoid thinking of the assault as something that cuts your friend off from the rest of the world; in fact, it’s up to you to be supportive and counteract that.

• Because of stereotypes about gender and sexual violence, male survivors may feel particularly othered: They might worry that people won’t take their experiences seriously, or that they’ll be viewed as weak. “It took me almost two years to come to terms with it, and I still feel like the few that I told sort of wrote it off because I’m a male,” said Chris*, a second-year undergraduate at the University of Kansas. To avoid othering, you can demonstrate that you take your friend’s experience seriously by using phrases like “that wasn’t okay” or “that sounds really messed up.”
• While it’s important to give your friend opportunities to talk about his experience of violence (if he chooses to), remember to maintain the other parts of your friendship too. It may be a relief to your friend to spend some time on normal activities that he enjoys. You can try statements like, “I’m happy to talk more about this if you want, but it’s also fine if you want to take a break from processing and go for a run together.”

Make sure to listen and focus on your friend’s feelings. “Pay attention to their specific issues,” says Dr. Boyd.

• Avoid pushing your own ideas. “Allow them to talk without being interrupted, and especially don’t put any more pressure on them (e.g., telling them that you think they need the police or a therapist),” says Tom*, a third-year undergraduate at Ripon College in Wisconsin. “Ask what you can do to help.”
• Don’t try to investigate the situation. It’s not important for you to find out exactly what happened or to delve into the details beyond what your friend wants to share.
• Avoid questions that might feel blaming (e.g., “Were you drunk?” or “Did you say no?”). “Being reminded that I wasn’t the one at fault felt reassuring,” said Taylor*, a second-year undergraduate at Wake Technical Community College in North Carolina.
• Don’t speculate about what you would have done in the situation (e.g., “If someone tried to do that to me, I’d fight them off”) or project emotions onto your friend (e.g., “You must feel like a whole different person”). Let your friend lead the conversation, and respect what he’s feeling.

Try statements like…

Avoid pronouns that assume the gender of the perpetrator or that make other assumptions about the experience. “I think one of the most important issues is breaking down the stereotype that only women are abused,” said Lena*, a second-year undergraduate at Tarrant County College in Texas.

• Make clear that you’re not making presumptions about your friend’s experience based on his identity. In particular, avoid assumptions about your friend’s sexual orientation or gender identity. “Drop in phrases or words that don’t put them on the spot but that signal your openness to hearing a more complex narrative, about, for example, ‘people of all genders,’” says Dr. Boyd. “Pay attention to what’s going on for the person in front of you.”
• It’s not your role to define the experience for your friend. Some people don’t use the word “rape” or “assault” to describe what may seem to you to be sexual violence, or relate to the terms “victim” or “survivor.” “You want them to feel like you’re connecting with their experience, not trying to impose your views or language on them,” says Dr. Hopper.

“As a friend, you want to relate to them in a way that gives them power, including by giving them choices and respecting whatever choices they make on whatever timeline,” says Dr. Hopper.

• Your friend might be interested in working with the police, pursuing disciplinary action, or working with other university resources. It’s up to him to decide. While it’s not your job to steer him to the police or school administrators, providing information about his options can be a great way to help. Figure out what resources your school has, such as hotlines, therapists, heath care providers, disciplinary processes, chaplains, or survivor advocates. “Since I was assaulted, I have learned that it wasn’t my fault and that therapy does help,” said Josh*, a second-year undergraduate at the College of the Desert in California.
• Talk with your friend about what makes him feel empowered and safe. Everyone’s different, so whether your friend feels like watching TV, working out, or flirting with someone at a party, you should ask and see how you can help. Sometimes people want to spend time on their own, sometimes people want to be social. It’s not your job to judge, but to be supportive. 

Look after yourself

“Supporting someone through the healing process can be stressful, hard, and exhausting. That’s why it’s important for supports to take of themselves,” says Bella Alarcon, a bilingual clinician at the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center who facilitates a support group for partners, friends, and family of people who’ve experienced sexual violence. Paying attention to your own needs isn’t selfish. “If you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, you’re not going to be able to support the survivor,” says Alarcon.

Be mindful of your own needs, and make sure that you’re getting support.

• “It’s okay to set limits and boundaries. If you need a break, it’s okay,” says Alarcon. If you’re finding a conversation with your friend overwhelming, say so. Try language like, “I really want to be here for you, but I’m finding it hard to handle this conversation. I want to be able to support you as well as I can, and I think I can do that better if I take a break for a few minutes.”
• Reach out to university resources for support. Consider speaking to a trusted mentor, a dean, a survivor advocate, or a health professional about how you’re doing. Respect your friend’s privacy by not sharing their story with peers or classmates.
• “Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself: Take a bath, go to the gym, have a cup of tea, go out with friends, have fun, have a good cry, take a deep breath, or get your own counseling,” says Alarcon.

*Names changed

Strategies developed by the Communication and Consent Educator program at Yale University.

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Whether we’re taking an online class, catching up with friends, reading the news, checking our favorite Reddit thread, or watching videos of baby pandas sneezing, we all spend a lot of time online. Our online communities are full of opportunities for connection, sharing, and positivity, but sometimes we may encounter negativity and downright nastiness, to put it mildly.

We can all play a role in shaping online communities in which everyone can thrive. Disrespect and harassment are less likely when digital spaces reflect our values. For example, building supportive communities makes sexual harassment and violence less likely. Creating respectful spaces online is a critical part of these efforts. So how do we make the online communities we participate in feel more positive, especially in an era where we might feel particularly divided? And how do we respond when we see negative posts in a group page we’re in charge of? Or when we notice a hurtful comment in a community we participate in?

Whether you have a leadership role in an online space or you’re just a casual participant, there’s plenty you can do to help keep things positive.

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Here’s how to use your role to create the online space you want” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234442675{margin-bottom: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]If you create, manage, or moderate an online space, you have a key role to play in building a supportive community. But being a member matters just as much. You get to model and shape the online community you participate in. Here’s a four-step guide to making it work—no matter your role.

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”For leaders” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234454477{margin-bottom: 5px !important;margin-left: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]

Whether you’re starting a new group or taking over an existing one, start by reflecting on your goals.

Consider the following questions:

• If this group is new, why are you starting it? If you’re taking over an existing page, what are the group’s shared goals?
• How do you want members to experience the group?
• What would be the best possible version of this group?

It’s essential to define your goals even if your group is small and informal. For example: Imagine that you create a GroupMe for the people living on your res hall floor. The following goals could take the group in three very different directions and would call for different leadership:

• Planning large parties for everyone in the hall
• Upholding community standards (e.g., reminding people to be quiet during finals)
• Meeting new people

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”For members” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234464675{margin-bottom: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]Goals matter for members too. In fact, knowing what they are and communicating them effectively sets the tone for the rest of the group. This doesn’t have to be formal. It’s about having a shared purpose.

Think about this: If you share a group chat with your friends from high school, what’s your purpose for doing so? How can you make sure others are on board? Your personal goal might be to stay in touch while building stronger connections with everyone. What are some small steps you can take to reach this goal?

• Model what you’re looking for by offering it first: Share updates about your life and ask others to do the same.
• Open participation: Invite other people to participate and pull quiet, shy, or disengaged people into the conversation.
• Make concrete plans: Suggest group activities or meet-ups.

By actively engaging in the group in a positive way, you’re setting an example for other members. A significant body of research shows that when we believe our peers expect us to behave a certain way, we’re more likely to behave that way (this is called social norms theory). This means that when we’re positive and don’t tolerate harmful behavior in an online setting, it sets the tone for others to follow suit.

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”For leaders” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234475379{margin-bottom: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]Explicitly communicate your expectations. People are surprisingly attentive to group guidelines. A 2016 analysis of the Reddit thread r/science (which has more than 13 million subscribers) found that posting page rules increased users’ compliance with the rules and even increased the number of comments made by newcomers on certain posts.

“It’s important that the standard be set right from the beginning that mistreatment of any kind will not be tolerated,” says Dr. Justin Patchin, professor of criminal science at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire and codirector of the Cyberbullying Research Center.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”How you can put this into practice” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234484675{margin-bottom: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]Let’s say you take over the Facebook page of a campus multicultural center with several hundred members. How might you create guidelines for the group?

It’s also important to create guidelines for informal groups. If you created a small Facebook group for your friends in the multicultural center, you could casually communicate your expectations. Try statements like:

• “Let’s use this group to stay in touch over the summer!”
• “If anyone has questions about this group, I’m happy to help out.”

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”For members” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234496144{margin-bottom: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]Point out behaviors that positively reinforce your group standards and support the community guidelines—you can keep it casual. This sets the expectation that people will interact in positive ways. Try out statements such as, “It’s awesome how we can disagree without things getting ugly.”

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”For leaders” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234505058{margin-bottom: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]It’s easiest to take action at the first sign of disrespect or someone behaving outside of the group guidelines. Don’t wait for problems to escalate before you step in.

Just like in social situations or in the classroom, you can practice bystander intervention by stepping in to address disrespect and prevent harm. In a 2015 study of adolescents and young adults, bystanders stepped in at similar rates when someone was being harassed online as they did when an incident happened in person (Journal of Youth and Adolescence). In fact, bystanders were most likely to step in when someone was being harassed both in person and online.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”What this might look like” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234515980{margin-bottom: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]Imagine that you’re the moderator of an online study group. You all use the group to share study tips, ask questions, and set up times to work together. One day, the posts start to stray from the class material to people complaining about the course and insulting the professor’s looks. How do you handle it?

Try privately messaging the people involved, or leave a comment of your own. Assuming good intent can make these conversations easier. For example:

Private messages

• “You probably don’t mean any harm, but your comments came off negatively.”
• “Please refer to the community guidelines.”

Comments to redirect the group

• “We have that big test coming up, so let’s focus and be prepared.”
• “Let’s stick to the focus of this group.”

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”For members” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234527350{margin-bottom: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]It’s not just the leader’s responsibility to uphold community standards; it’s on you as a community member to redirect group members who fall short of your goals. It can be as easy as asking a different question.

Here’s how you might step in as a community member in the study group scenario:

• Distract the group with a question that relates to the original goal (e.g., post a question about the homework).
• Redirect the group: “We have to get through this critical analysis, so let’s focus and be prepared.”
• Find an ally: Talk to a friend in the group about the behavior and come up with a plan for approaching it as a team.
• Go undercover: Anonymously post a comment saying the behavior is unacceptable.
• Ask for help: Ask a moderator to reiterate the group values—or establish them if there aren’t any.

[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”For leaders” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234539080{margin-bottom: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]What can you do if serious disrespect, harassment, or hateful behavior emerges in an online space that you manage?

For example, imagine you’re managing a student publication’s website. Debate in the comments section is usually respectful. One day, a regular commenter calls another a slur. Here are four options for how to intervene:

1) Delete the harmful content, and consider banning the commenter.

“Delete the person whose posts are negative. By proactively doing this, [you show] that [you] have had enough and will not engage in their negative and hurtful behaviors.”
—Ross Ellis, founder and CEO of STOMP Out Bullying, a national bullying and harassment prevention organization

“If [people] see hurtful posts quickly removed and frequent violators banned, this will set the tone that online abuse is not allowed here.”
—Dr. Patchin

2) Reach out to the people who were targeted.

Write to the targeted commenter. Let them know that you have deleted the content, you support them, and offer to direct them to university resources.

3) Report the incident—if the targeted person wishes that you do so.

Consider reporting the behavior to a campus official, such as a dean. Check with the person who was targeted to ask for their permission first.

4) Reiterate your group expectations.

After you have dealt with the harm, work with other members of the publication team to refocus on your core goals.[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”For members” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left|color:%23004666″ google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1507234548276{margin-bottom: 5px !important;}”][vc_column_text]What if you see this happening in an online community you’re a part of? As an active member of the community, stepping in reinforces the standards of the whole group and sends the message that this behavior isn’t tolerated here. Here’s how to do it:

• If the behavior affects someone you know, privately reach out and express support. Try language such as, “That was messed up. Is there anything I can do?”
• Consider contributing some positive words. Offering encouragement and support is a simple way to mitigate the effect of online harassment. Manners (good and bad) are contagious. Modeling civility and constructive commentary online can potentially dissuade others from trolling, according to a 2017 study by researchers at Cornell University.
• Ask before you act on someone else’s behalf. If you want to confront the aggressor or request an apology on behalf of the person who has been wronged, this isn’t a decision to make alone. Work with the targeted person and respect their wishes about how to proceed. They might prefer to not confront the aggressor or to report the issue to the relevant site directly. Except for situations of acute danger, don’t take action on their behalf if you haven’t been asked to do so.

“At the beginning of the year, we have a discussion about what’s appropriate to post and what isn’t. If something negative is posted, it’s removed, and we have a discussion with the person who posted.”
—Jeanette A., fourth-year undergraduate, Kutztown University, Pennsylvania

“It’s not a controversial forum. We have rules, but we’re relaxed and work together in a group rather than talk about conflicting ideas.”
—Eliot A., recent graduate, Metropolitan State University of Denver

“I monitor the page though my manager app that I’ve installed on my phone. I posted guidelines and must approve all comments and posts before they’re allowed to be posted. If someone complains about harassment or being messaged, I’ll check out the situation, take proper steps to stop it, and prevent it in the future.”
—Angel P., fourth-year undergraduate, Governors State University, Illinois

“Anything that’s posted that’s disrespectful is deleted and that person is warned through a personal message. If they continue, they’re removed from the page.”
—Leah H., third-year undergraduate, Northern Illinois University[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

Strategies developed by the Communication and Consent Educator program at Yale University.

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[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Here’s something most of us know, and the research backs up: Small actions make a big difference, especially when it comes to preventing sexual harassment and assault. If we see something that doesn’t feel right, we can act. This is bystander intervention: stepping in to reinforce our community values and prevent harm when we see something that looks like disrespect or pressure. Many of us already do this, like when we disrupt a conversation that seems uncomfortable or speak up when people make hurtful comments.

Often, when we think about sexual misconduct and bystander intervention, we’re thinking about intervening in social situations, such as on the dance floor, at a party, or in a relationship. But what happens when you see this happening at your internship, on the job, or at your workplace?

While we might know that it’s equally important to take action in the workplace, we might not exactly know how to do it, especially if we’re dealing with uneven power dynamics—like a boss who’s making crude comments to an employee or an established colleague taking advantage of a new intern. The good news? The basics, which you already know, work here too.

“The skills and strategies that work in social contexts can often be applied to other settings, including professional contexts such as a summer internship or other job,” says Laura Santacrose, assistant director of the Skorton Center for Health Initiatives at Cornell University in New York, who developed Cornell’s “Intervene” project, a bystander intervention initiative for students. The knowledge and confidence that we’ve gained from intervening in other contexts make a difference. Knowing we have the skills to step in makes us more likely to do so, according to a 2014 study of college students in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence.

Besides reinforcing your own personal values, you’re also setting the bar high for the rest of the organization. And that’s important. “Employers hope to create an environment that is welcoming and inclusive for all employees. A safe and inclusive environment fosters teamwork among colleagues, greater workplace satisfaction, and higher levels of innovation and creativity on the job. Employees who are able to facilitate such an environment are highly valued by both their employers and by their clients,” says Jeanine Dames, director of the Office of Career Strategy at Yale University in Connecticut.

So how do you do it?

Before you start, consider risk

Whenever we intervene, it’s critical to consider the potential risks involved and to make a safe plan. The power dynamics between supervisors and employees may make it difficult to intervene directly, so consider subtle or indirect actions. “There may be additional supports in a professional setting that will make an intervention easier [than in a social situation], including support from a human resources department,” says Santacrose.

Start here: Stepping in on the job

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• Overhear a sexist comment about the new hire’s cleavage? See a colleague’s uncomfortable face when he interacts with his overly handsy boss? Pay attention to the patterns.
• Ask yourself: How might this situation impact the individuals involved? The department or team? The broader community of the organization or company?

• Trust your instincts. It’s OK to decide to do something even if you aren’t sure there’s a problem.
• Remember that “doing something” might be shooting a quick email to human resources (HR) or chatting briefly with your coworkers to see if they’re noticing it too. Ask your fellow employees or supervisors what they’re seeing or how they might deal with the situation. HR representatives may be particularly helpful. It’s their job to make sure that the workplace is safe and respectful, so they want to know when something seems off.

• There are usually multiple ways to intervene. Play to your strengths. Not sure what those are? Take our bystander quiz here to learn more about your stepping-in style. Remember that interventions don’t have to be dramatic to be effective.
• Pay attention to power dynamics. If you are worried about the consequences of intervening, consider confidentially reporting the problem to HR.

• After you’ve intervened, follow up with the person being targeted or your colleagues.
• Think about what the organization could do to make positive outcomes more likely in the future. What structural changes would help? Can you review company policies and suggest updates? Are there employee training options that can help set community standards? Make suggestions and be willing to help put them into place if it’s an option.

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How would you respond?

Now that you know the basics, or at least can refer back to them, let’s get into some examples. Use the following scenarios to think about possible intervention strategies. What strategies would you choose?[/vc_column_text][vc_custom_heading text=”Scenario 1: Inappropriate jokes
” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left” google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Imagine that you share an office space with several other summer interns. One of the interns, Taylor, often makes sexual jokes and suggestive comments. You and the other interns find the jokes annoying, but one of the interns, Sam, looks upset and starts to avoid the space.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” color=”blue” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true” css=”.vc_custom_1505257761599{border-bottom-width: 20px !important;padding-bottom: 20px !important;}”][vc_tta_section title=”Potential impacts of this behavior ” tab_id=”1504052666707-487f2eae-0de4″][vc_column_text]

• Taylor is distracting everyone from work.
• Sam might worry that others think Taylor’s jokes are OK.
• Sam’s job performance could suffer.
• Other interns’ job performance could suffer.
• Taylor might continue this behavior in other workplaces, which could continue to hurt people—and damage Taylor’s job prospects.

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• Don’t laugh at the jokes. An awkward silence can speak volumes.
• Privately check in with Taylor. “You probably mean well, but those jokes make you seem unprofessional.”
• Privately check in with Sam. “You seemed a little bit uncomfortable with Taylor’s jokes. Are you OK?”
• Talk to a supervisor. Suggest that supervisors discuss appropriate workplace conduct with new interns now and in the future.
• Consider structural changes that can prevent this problem from happening again. Proactively start positive, professional conversations in the shared workspace. This sets a good example and minimizes chances for inappropriate conversations to begin.
• Student story: “I politely interrupted the situation by asking a work-related question to cause a distraction and interruption. Then I privately talked to my co-worker at a later time.”
  —Rebecca B., fourth-year undergraduate, Rochester Community and Technical College, Minnesota

[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_custom_heading text=”Scenario 2: Unfair treatment
” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left” google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Imagine that you have a part-time campus job in a lab. The professor in charge of the lab chooses a graduate student, Riley, to lead a project. A few weeks ago, Riley asked one of your coworkers, Casey, out on a date. Casey said no. Since then, Riley seems to be treating Casey differently from the other lab members. Riley often dismisses Casey’s comments in meetings and assigns all the menial jobs to Casey.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” color=”blue” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true” css=”.vc_custom_1505257813391{border-bottom-width: 20px !important;padding-bottom: 20px !important;}”][vc_tta_section title=”Potential impacts of this behavior” tab_id=”1504052753249-e585b76c-21e9″]

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• The professor might think that Casey is not a good employee.
• The rest of the lab members are missing out on Casey’s contributions.
• Other lab members might feel like they must always agree with Riley or face retaliation.
• Riley is behaving unprofessionally, which could hurt Riley’s future job prospects.

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• Validate Casey’s contributions. If Riley dismisses one of Casey’s comments, say, “I actually thought that was a really good point.” Similarly, volunteer to do the menial jobs yourself.
• Check in with Casey. Tell Casey that you’ve noticed the problem and are available to help. Providing emotional support after an incident of harassment is the most common kind of workplace bystander intervention, according to a 2016 study in the International Journal of Human Resources Management.
• Express your concerns with the professor supervising the lab.
• Consider reaching out to an official such as a Title IX coordinator or HR representative.
• Propose structural changes to ensure everyone’s voices are heard and menial jobs are fairly distributed. For example, you could suggest that everyone takes turns performing the less-desirable tasks using a chart that’s visible in the lab.
• Student story: “I told my manager right away. The manager handled it from there.”
  —Kassandra J., first-year graduate student, Texas Woman’s University

[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_custom_heading text=”Scenario 3: Callouts on appearance
” font_container=”tag:p|font_size:20|text_align:left” google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%20Condensed%3A300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal”][vc_column_text]Imagine that you have a part-time job. Your supervisor makes small talk with employees as you arrive in the morning. Topics range from sports to the weather, but on several occasions, your supervisor has made comments about the appearance of one employee, Kai, such as, “You look gorgeous today!” and “That shirt looks great on you!” Your supervisor does not comment on other employees’ appearances.[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” color=”blue” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true” css=”.vc_custom_1505257821057{border-bottom-width: 20px !important;padding-bottom: 20px !important;}”][vc_tta_section title=”Potential impacts of this behavior” tab_id=”1504052838430-8b2d08cc-2ef1″][vc_column_text]

• This behavior creates a workplace that emphasizes people’s appearance, perhaps implying that their looks matter more than their ideas.
• Kai may feel uncomfortable at work and worry about what the manager expects.
• Other employees might worry that they will be treated differently based on appearance too.

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• Check in with Kai and express concern about the comments.
• Subtly steer conversations back to appropriate topics.
• Speak to another employee and ask for advice.
• Talk to an HR representative. They may be able to take action without revealing your identity.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_tta_section][/vc_tta_accordion][vc_column_text]See? Your bystander skills just went pro. When you break it down like this, intervening becomes a little easier, which means your workplace can be just as supportive of a community as your campus is. So remember: Your bystander skills can work in any context, at any time.

Want more bystander info? Check out Cornell University’s bystander initiative, “Intervene.” This interactive training, useful for students of all kinds, offers concrete strategies for intervening in a wide range of social, academic, and professional settings.

Strategies developed by the Communication and Consent Educator program at Yale University. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

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When it comes to sexual encounters, we should strive not just for consent but enthusiastic consent. Learn the difference and why it’s worth holding out.

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We all want campuses without sexual violence, but it can be hard to know where to start. In-the-moment strategies like bystander intervention are powerful tools to make our communities safer, but how can we proactively build cultures in which everyone feels safe and respected?

Sexual violence doesn’t come out of nowhere: It emerges from everyday patterns of disrespect and pressure. In any culture that normalizes low-level disrespect, it’s harder to spot coercion and force. What’s low-level disrespect? It’s when your female classmate is objectified because of the length of her skirt. Or that time your roommate hooked up with someone he wasn’t really into because “that’s what guys are supposed to do.” It’s every time someone makes a rape joke—and every time someone laughs. It contributes to a culture of disrespect, and a culture of disrespect provides camouflage for violence. It functions as “the cultural scaffolding” of sexual assault, wrote Dr. Nicola Gavey, professor of psychology at the University of Auckland, in New Zealand, in her book Just Sex? The Cultural Scaffolding of Rape (Routledge, 2005).

In contrast, when we expect respect and mutuality, it’s much easier to spot behaviors that don’t fit that norm. By challenging casual disrespect when we see it—and setting up conversations so that disrespect doesn’t happen in the first place—we can build communities where everyone expects to be treated well.

This means that even small actions can have a big impact in building a safe, supportive campus culture. By ensuring that all of our conversations about romance, sex, and social life are respectful, we can help to dismantle “the cultural scaffolding” of assault. And that starts with you—your friends and your conversations. Here’s how to make sure those convos are building the community you want.

Ask better questions

Too often, our casual conversations set the expectation that everyone is doing the same things when it comes to romance and sex. If your crew gets together for brunch on Sunday, is everyone expected to share stories about hookups the night before? Conversations like this create “ambient pressure”: a feeling that you must act a certain way in order to fit in. Ambient pressure is a problem in its own right, and also makes interpersonal pressure easier by suggesting that people’s desires aren’t important.

If your friends regularly have conversations like this, you can help shift them in a more positive direction. Start by asking better questions.

These questions reduce ambient pressure by removing some of the assumptions about what people are doing and how they’re talking about it. Bonus points for making your conversations more interesting and less rom com.   

Tell different stories

Try sharing stories of times when things went well in unexpected or nontraditional ways, like when you met someone at a party and ended the night talking Shakespeare sonnets and downing pizza instead of hooking up. There are a number of dangerous myths about campus sexual culture, such as the false belief that everyone wants to be having more sex than they’re currently having, that no one wants to get into anything serious because everyone is looking for hookups, that “casual” sexual encounters can’t be intimate, and so on.

Sharing diverse experiences and stories is a powerful way of disrupting these myths and offering more positive alternatives. If you had a great Saturday night binge-watching House of Cards with your roommate, then say so!

Positive change involves people inspiring each other—and that starts with telling different stories. In a study, college students who reported drinking heavily received info on how much their peers were actually drinking, and spoiler alert, it was less than they thought. Six weeks later, the heavy drinkers were consuming less alcohol and drinking less often, according to The Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (2000). This is an example of how social norms work: Expectations about how we should act actually affect how we do act. Once we realize that others are doing things differently, we adjust ourselves accordingly. This can work in your favor when it comes to convos about hookups: By demonstrating that there are many positive, respectful ways to be social, you can challenge social norms that give rise to pressure.

Figure out what matters to you—and live it

In order to build a culture that reflects your values, you first need to figure out what those are. “Communities feel more connected and supportive when the people in them have a clear idea of what they want their culture to be like and are actively working toward that ideal,” wrote Chip Heath of Stanford University and Dan Heath of Duke University in Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard (Broadway Business, 2010), which examines individual, organizational, and social transformations.

Ask your communities (i.e., the clubs you’re in, the groups you belong to, and the friends you spend your time with) what they see as their shared goals. This doesn’t have to be scary or even formal; having an awesome group of people to lean on is a legit goal. When we’re all focused on a positive value—like genuine friendship, interdependence, or mutual trust—it’s easier to ensure that everyone is treated well. “Identifying shared community values is a critical step in building safe, supportive communities in which everyone can thrive,” says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in Connecticut.

Think about what you want from your interactions

It also helps to think about what you want from any given interaction, whether it’s meeting up with a couple of friends at your place or hosting a party. When we’re actively thinking about what we want out of our social events, we can ensure that they reflect and support what matters to us.

[/vc_column_text][vc_tta_accordion shape=”square” color=”black” c_icon=”chevron” active_section=”0″ collapsible_all=”true”][vc_tta_section title=”Here are some ways to think about it” tab_id=”1499398764384-b02eadec-5acf”][vc_column_text]

• Why are you hosting this event or going to this hangout? What do you want from it?
• What are you hoping to get out of it? What are you hoping others will get out of it? Do you want to meet new friends, to relax with a small group, or to try something new?
• What vibe do you want? Intimate, classy, chill, or something else?
• Now that the big stuff is sorted, how will you make sure your goals are met? Think about everything from the theme to the space, music, food and drinks, invites, etc.
• What options are there? What choices do you or others have about what to wear, drink, and do?

By mindfully planning and attending events that reflect our values, we can create and support spaces without ambient pressure, and where interpersonal pressure stands out. Well-planned events with lots of options also mean more fun for the people coming and less stress for the people planning. That’s a win.

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The power of small change

It all comes down to this—a culture in which respect is the norm is our most effective protection against sexual assault. And respect starts small. By making subtle changes to our everyday conversations and in our everyday interactions, we can work together to build a community where everyone can thrive. So let’s do that.

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No one wants to think that our friends or acquaintances might have been sexually assaulted or abused. Yet statistics suggest that we all know survivors, whether or not we’re aware of it. Sexual assault and abuse survivors who receive positive social support are less likely to develop post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, or substance abuse issues, research shows. “When a survivor of sexual violence chooses to disclose to a friend, this friend can help set the tone for the recovery process,” says Kelly Addington, founder of One Student, an advocacy organization addressing sexual assault in student communities. “Focusing on the survivor and how you can support them is much better than focusing on the attack.”

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Here’s why social support matters

“Much of what he did was very subtle, but he also said things that were flattering but aimed to control me (‘We should get married;’ ‘We love each other so condoms aren’t necessary, besides I haven’t used one in years’). After I got away, he stalked me via phone and email for two years. To this day, when I see someone who looks like him I tense up.

“People in my community said I was making the whole thing up. That was the hardest thing in the world. They invited him to come into spaces where I normally would be, so I had to always be on guard. It might not be the most dramatic story, but it lingers. There are people who I don’t speak to because of how they dealt with those issues. There are places I still don’t feel comfortable because I associate them with that time in my life.”
—Graduate student, Canadian university

Talking to someone is huge

“It isn’t your fault. It can happen to anyone. It happened to me. It helps to talk to someone you trust when it first happens. I wish I had.”
—Fourth-year student, Ashford University (online)

“Victims of trauma and abuse have a tendency to blame themselves and downplay their experience because someone had it worse. It is important to realize that your pain and anger are valid.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Kwantlen Polytechnic University, British Columbia

“Being a friend to someone, especially a victim, is the best thing one can do. Knowing when to take a step back, when to ask for help from someone more experienced, and finding the proper resources is the best way to help someone. There is always someone who can help.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Suffolk University, Massachusetts

“Don’t be ashamed to report the abuse and be vocal. Your voice establishes others’ rights.”
—Third-year graduate student, University of Windsor, Ontario

Quality partners value mutual enthusiastic consent

“Some days I think I was sexually abused in my last relationship. I felt that he knew I didn’t want to but went ahead anyway, knowing I wouldn’t speak up or call him out on it. Other days I just think I’m over-thinking it. I’ve never spoken out about it because I’m not sure if it was my fault.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Florida International University

“A previous sexual encounter with someone is not an all-access pass which excuses forceful or threatening behavior.”
—First-year graduate student, Ashford University (online)

“Out of my 5+ relationships there have only been two partners that completely respected my boundaries and asked for consent.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario

Recognizing abusive behaviors can be a process

“About two months into the relationship, I was beginning to notice how controlling and emotionally manipulative he was. I was drinking at his house with him and some friends. After I drank too much, he became angry. He wanted to have sex with me. I told him I felt sick, saying over and over again that I did not want to. He got on top of me anyway and I was too intoxicated to push him off. I stayed with him for six more months. There were several instances of him pushing me to do things and have sex with him. I regret that I pretended that what he did was OK. I have learned to never stay silent about sexual abuse and assault.”
—Second-year undergraduate, University of Central Arkansas

“Looking back on it, what my ex-boyfriend was doing was more subtle than coercion. He was very manipulative and I fell into the trap of wanting to please him all the time, which led to thinking I wanted to have sex with him, but after, I felt really icky. My subconscious was telling me to leave and that I didn’t want to have sex with him, but I ignored it. I don’t like thinking about it. I would tell anyone to listen to those thoughts and free yourself. It’s OK if you let down the other person. You have to protect yourself.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, University of California, San Diego

Ending an abusive relationship can be a process, too

“I told the guy that I felt awful. Rather than comfort me [when I was sick], he took my hand and put it on his penis. I told him that was ridiculous and made it clear I did not want him to come to [my campus apartment] any more. He called me a bitch and told me I was making everything about myself. It took him weeks to understand I had dumped him. He kept telling me to ‘think about it,’ as if my breaking up with him was not real. I never allowed him to see me again. I don’t feel bad about dumping him in a text rather than making a scene in public or risking myself in my apartment.”
—First-year graduate student, Kutztown University of Pennsylvania

“A boyfriend forced me to have sex with him even after I had said no. He kept insisting and I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t give in. So I just did what he wanted. It happened on a Sunday and I ended the relationship on Monday. It took months to get rid of him fully, and he still haunts my dreams now and then. I never filed charges or reported it. [I felt] no one would believe it was rape. I still feel violated, and this happened years ago.”
—Second-year undergraduate, Ashford University (online)

When intimacy feels like an obligation—red flag

“I have a friend who felt obligated to comply with his sexual demands because they were dating. We had to pull her out of the situation ourselves.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Collin College, Texas

“My boyfriend when I was younger had a bad temper and would hit walls or do really mean things. He was also fairly forceful in bed and made me feel guilty when I said no.”
—Second-year graduate student, University of Washington

“It is really frustrating to feel obligated to have sex with someone you love. When I am overwhelmed with tasks, my significant other does not recognize the hints I give him to back off. He had the audacity to act upset after I firmly said no, I would not interrupt my work to satisfy his urges. Later, after telling him I needed to sleep because I needed to be up in four hours, I finally just gave in. I love him, but it never feels good to be coerced into sex.”
—First-year student, Des Moines Area Community College, Iowa

Intimacy is not about pressure or proof

“We broke up over the course of a year, and we still had sex sometimes, as if we were still together. It was assumed that I was always comfortable with it, since they were the one wavering in our relationship and I was not. I wasn’t all right with it, though. I did want it to work out eventually, and felt that meant maintaining intimacy through everything.”
—Third-year undergraduate, University of Victoria, British Columbia

“When I was married, my husband made it clear that if he wanted it and I didn’t, his desire would rule, because it was my duty to meet his needs and any lack of desire was my problem. I quickly learned to dread sex. Now that we are divorced, I’m worried that I will continue to view it as a negative experience.”
—Third-year undergraduate, Metropolitan State University of Denver, Colorado

Trauma can be long-term—and support is available

“My first relationship was when I was 14 years old. The boy was such a charmer and no one knew what was going on. The first three months he was sweet as can be, but then he changed. He said the reason our relationship was bad was because I wouldn’t have sex with him. He did some sexual things against my will that are too painful to go into detail about. Because of him, I believed I was stupid, unlovable, and ugly.

“One day he said that he was unhappy and it was my job to make him happy. So I said we were through. I lost friends because he said I lied and cried rape. I was bullied on social media. I have PTSD from the abuse. This past year I feel into a deep dark place. I wanted to kill myself. I realized I had been running from the pain and never dealt with it. I am on medicine now, and working with someone on my anxiety, PTSD, and depression. Everyday is a battle that I slowly am winning. I refuse to let the butthead continue hurting me. Those sexual assault videos always like to quote that ‘1 in 4’ statistic; what many don’t realize is for me that isn’t just a statistic, it’s my life.”
—Second-year graduate student, California State University, Stanislaus

Keep going and seek help—happiness is possible

“My first husband beat and raped me and went to prison for it. I got addicted to opiates shortly after and lost my home. It took me years to come to terms with it. The most helpful thing was my comfort animal.”
—Fourth-year undergraduate, Portland State University, Oregon

“I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. My sight was thwarted because I was in love; it was very confusing. I knew something was not right but couldn’t place my finger on it. After this relationship, my subsequent relationships were unbalanced. I had lost the potential for innocence and trust. It was not until the birth of my now year-old daughter, and extensive therapy, that I have achieved a harmonious relationship. I am ecstatic!”
—Second-year undergraduate, Berea College, Kentucky

In a recent survey by SH101, most stories of relationship abuse were reported by female students describing heterosexual relationships. This is the most common abuse dynamic, research shows. That said, relationship abuse can happen to anyone. This slideshow includes comments from students of varying genders and sexualities.