9 ways to support a friend in an abusive relationship
Reading Time: 17 minutes Do you suspect your friend is in an abusive relationship? Here’s how you can help.
Reading Time: 17 minutes Do you suspect your friend is in an abusive relationship? Here’s how you can help.
Reading Time: 11 minutes Social events are an important part of the college experience. Whether you’re a host or a guest, here’s how to make your next gathering fun for everyone.
Reading Time: 10 minutes Studies of sexual assault consistently show a higher rate of victimization of people with disabilities compared to nondisabled people. The good news? You can get involved.
Reading Time: 13 minutes Is campus safety improving in terms of sexual assault? How can you talk to your partner about sex in a healthy, nonjudgmental way? Our sexual literacy experts answer these and other important questions.
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We all want campuses without sexual violence, but it can be hard to know where to start. In-the-moment strategies like bystander intervention are powerful tools to make our communities safer, but how can we proactively build cultures in which everyone feels safe and respected?
Sexual violence doesnât come out of nowhere: It emerges from everyday patterns of disrespect and pressure. In any culture that normalizes low-level disrespect, itâs harder to spot coercion and force. Whatâs low-level disrespect? Itâs when your female classmate is objectified because of the length of her skirt. Or that time your roommate hooked up with someone he wasnât really into because âthatâs what guys are supposed to do.â Itâs every time someone makes a rape jokeâand every time someone laughs. It contributes to a culture of disrespect, and a culture of disrespect provides camouflage for violence. It functions as âthe cultural scaffoldingâ of sexual assault, wrote Dr. Nicola Gavey, professor of psychology at the University of Auckland, in New Zealand, in her book Just Sex? The Cultural Scaffolding of Rape (Routledge, 2005).
In contrast, when we expect respect and mutuality, itâs much easier to spot behaviors that donât fit that norm. By challenging casual disrespect when we see itâand setting up conversations so that disrespect doesnât happen in the first placeâwe can build communities where everyone expects to be treated well.
This means that even small actions can have a big impact in building a safe, supportive campus culture. By ensuring that all of our conversations about romance, sex, and social life are respectful, we can help to dismantle âthe cultural scaffoldingâ of assault. And that starts with youâyour friends and your conversations. Hereâs how to make sure those convos are building the community you want.
Too often, our casual conversations set the expectation that everyone is doing the same things when it comes to romance and sex. If your crew gets together for brunch on Sunday, is everyone expected to share stories about hookups the night before? Conversations like this create âambient pressureâ: a feeling that you must act a certain way in order to fit in. Ambient pressure is a problem in its own right, and also makes interpersonal pressure easier by suggesting that peopleâs desires arenât important.
If your friends regularly have conversations like this, you can help shift them in a more positive direction. Start by asking better questions.
These questions reduce ambient pressure by removing some of the assumptions about what people are doing and how theyâre talking about it. Bonus points for making your conversations more interesting and less rom com. Â
Try sharing stories of times when things went well in unexpected or nontraditional ways, like when you met someone at a party and ended the night talking Shakespeare sonnets and downing pizza instead of hooking up. There are a number of dangerous myths about campus sexual culture, such as the false belief that everyone wants to be having more sex than theyâre currently having, that no one wants to get into anything serious because everyone is looking for hookups, that âcasualâ sexual encounters canât be intimate, and so on.
Sharing diverse experiences and stories is a powerful way of disrupting these myths and offering more positive alternatives. If you had a great Saturday night binge-watching House of Cards with your roommate, then say so!
Positive change involves people inspiring each otherâand that starts with telling different stories. In a study, college students who reported drinking heavily received info on how much their peers were actually drinking, and spoiler alert, it was less than they thought. Six weeks later, the heavy drinkers were consuming less alcohol and drinking less often, according to The Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (2000). This is an example of how social norms work: Expectations about how we should act actually affect how we do act. Once we realize that others are doing things differently, we adjust ourselves accordingly. This can work in your favor when it comes to convos about hookups: By demonstrating that there are many positive, respectful ways to be social, you can challenge social norms that give rise to pressure.
In order to build a culture that reflects your values, you first need to figure out what those are. âCommunities feel more connected and supportive when the people in them have a clear idea of what they want their culture to be like and are actively working toward that ideal,â wrote Chip Heath of Stanford University and Dan Heath of Duke University in Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard (Broadway Business, 2010), which examines individual, organizational, and social transformations.
Ask your communities (i.e., the clubs youâre in, the groups you belong to, and the friends you spend your time with) what they see as their shared goals. This doesnât have to be scary or even formal; having an awesome group of people to lean on is a legit goal. When weâre all focused on a positive valueâlike genuine friendship, interdependence, or mutual trustâitâs easier to ensure that everyone is treated well. âIdentifying shared community values is a critical step in building safe, supportive communities in which everyone can thrive,â says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in womenâs, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in Connecticut.
It also helps to think about what you want from any given interaction, whether itâs meeting up with a couple of friends at your place or hosting a party. When weâre actively thinking about what we want out of our social events, we can ensure that they reflect and support what matters to us.
By mindfully planning and attending events that reflect our values, we can create and support spaces without ambient pressure, and where interpersonal pressure stands out. Well-planned events with lots of options also mean more fun for the people coming and less stress for the people planning. Thatâs a win.
It all comes down to thisâa culture in which respect is the norm is our most effective protection against sexual assault. And respect starts small. By making subtle changes to our everyday conversations and in our everyday interactions, we can work together to build a community where everyone can thrive. So letâs do that.
[school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,counselingservices, healthservices, wellnesspromotion, titleix, suicideprevention, residentlife, campusministry, studentservices, studentlife, studentlife, titleix’] Get help or find out more
Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard: Chip Heath & Dan Heath
Broadway Business, 2010
Sexual empowerment webinars & info: Amy Jo Goddard
What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girlâs Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety:Â Jaclyn Friedman
Seal Press, 2011
Step Up! intervention program: University of Arizona
Communication and Consent Educators program: Yale University
Melanie Boyd, PhD, assistant dean of student affairs; lecturer in womenâs, gender, and sexuality studies, Yale University, Connecticut.
Armstrong, E. A., Hamilton, L., & England, P. (2010). Is hooking up bad for young women? Contexts, 9(3), 22â27.
Borsari, B., & Carey, K. B. (2000). Effects of a brief motivational intervention with college student drinkers. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 68(4), 728â733.
Carmody, M. (2005). Ethical erotics: Reconceptualizing anti-rape education. Sexualities, 8(4), 465â480.
Gavey, N. (2005). Just Sex? The Cultural Scaffolding of Rape. London and New York: Routledge.
Gavey, N., & Senn, C. Y. (2014). Sexuality and sexual violence. In D. L. Tolman & L. M. Diamond (Eds.) APA Handbook on Sexuality and Psychology: Vol. 1. Person-Based Approaches (pp. 339â382). Washington, DC: APA Press.
Heath, C., & Heath, D. (2010). Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. New York: Broadway Books.
Strang, E., & Peterson, Z. D. (2013). The relationships among perceived peer acceptance of sexual aggression, punishment certainty, and sexually aggressive behavior. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 28(18), 3369â3385.
Wade, L., & Heldman, C. (2012). Hooking up and opting out. In L. Carpenter & J. DeLamater (Eds.) Sex for Life: From Virginity to Viagra, How Sexuality Changes Throughout Our Lives, (pp. 129â145). New York: NYU Press.
Wetherill, R. R., Neal, D. J., & Fromme, K. (2010). Parents, peers, and sexual values influence sexual behavior during the transition to college. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(3), 682â694.
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Most of us have supported friends through difficult times, such as a break-up, academic pressure, or family issues. But how do we step up and provide support when friends and loved ones experience sexual assault and other forms of sexual violence? Especially when the person who experienced the assault is male?
Social pressure and stereotypes about gender can make it particularly challenging for men who’ve been assaulted to talk about their experiences. If one of your male friends or loved ones is assaulted, itâs important that you know youâre in a position to help.
Many of the challenges men face reflect social pressure: ideas that sexual assault makes them less masculine, that women canât assault men, or that âreal menâ donât talk about or get help for painful experiences. âSome men fear that they’ll be seen as less of a man,â says Dr. Jim Hopper, a researcher, therapist, and instructor at Harvard Medical School. âIf theyâre heterosexual, they may fear people will doubt their sexuality. And if theyâre gay or bisexual, they may blame the assault on their sexuality in a way that further stigmatizes their being gay or bisexual.â
A common belief is that sexual violence only affects women. In fact, many men have unwanted sexual experiences, as both children and adults. One in six men in the US is sexually assaulted before age 18, according to studies from the 1980s to the early 2000s. In 2015, seven percent of men reported being sexually assaulted while attending college, according to a study by the Washington Post and the Kaiser Family Foundation. Regardless of the targeted manâs sexual orientation, both men and women perpetrate these assaults, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (2013).
âSex, gender identity, and race can all influence how an experience like this affects someone, but itâs very important you have no presumption about what it feels like to your friendâso listen,â says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in womenâs, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in Connecticut.
Everyone is different. Peopleâs varying personalities and circumstances affect how they respond to an unwanted sexual experience and what we can do to help. For example, some people want lots of hugs, while some prefer verbal support. The most important thing is to relate to your friend in a way that can help him feel empowered and connected. As a friend, youâre in a great position to do this.
When a friend discloses an experience of violence, itâs normal to feel a wide range of emotions, such as shock, confusion, sadness, or anger. In the moment, keep the conversation focused on your friendâs emotions, not your own.
âMany people who experience sexual violence also experience some degree of self-blame,â says Dr. Boyd. âPartially, thatâs just what people do when something bad happens: We go over the events in our head, hunting for things we could have done differently. Itâs a way of regaining a sense of control. In the case of sexual violence, though, survivors also have to contend with victim-blaming patterns that run through our culture. So itâs important that friends help them push back against that. Be careful not to say or ask anything that might suggest blameâand affirm for your friend that he did the best he could in a difficult, complicated situation.â
As challenging an experience as a sexual assault may be, itâs not as though your friend has become an entirely different person. The âotheringâ of people who’ve been assaultedâtreating them differentlyâcan be just as dangerous as ignoring or minimizing unwanted sexual experiences, according to researchers Nicola Gavey and Johanna Schmidt (Violence Against Women, 2011). Avoid thinking of the assault as something that cuts your friend off from the rest of the world; in fact, itâs up to you to be supportive and counteract that.
Make sure to listen and focus on your friendâs feelings. âPay attention to their specific issues,â says Dr. Boyd.
Avoid pronouns that assume the gender of the perpetrator or that make other assumptions about the experience. âI think one of the most important issues is breaking down the stereotype that only women are abused,â said Lena*, a second-year undergraduate at Tarrant County College in Texas.
âAs a friend, you want to relate to them in a way that gives them power, including by giving them choices and respecting whatever choices they make on whatever timeline,â says Dr. Hopper.
âSupporting someone through the healing process can be stressful, hard, and exhausting. That’s why it’s important for supports to take of themselves,â says Bella Alarcon, a bilingual clinician at the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center who facilitates a support group for partners, friends, and family of people who’ve experienced sexual violence. Paying attention to your own needs isnât selfish. âIf you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, you’re not going to be able to support the survivor,â says Alarcon.
Be mindful of your own needs, and make sure that youâre getting support.
*Names changed
Strategies developed by the Communication and Consent Educator program at Yale University.
[school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,titleix, counselingservices, suicideprevention, titleix’] Get help or find out moreHow to support a male friend: 1in6
Helpline and many other resources: RAINN
Resources for survivors: Living Well
Help for survivors: National Sexual Assault Hotline and Online Hotline
LGBTQ hotline and meet-up groups: Trevor Project
Information and resources for LGBTQ survivors of violence: Anti-Violence Project
Men share their stories of dealing with sexual violence: The Bristlecone Project
Bella Alarcon, bilingual clinician, Boston Area Rape Crisis Center, Massachusetts.
Melanie Boyd, PhD, assistant dean in student affairs; lecturer in womenâs, gender, and sexuality studies, Yale University, Connecticut.
Jim Hopper, PhD, independent consultant and clinical instructor in psychology, Department of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Massachusetts.
1in6. (n.d.). Sorting it out for himself. Retrieved from https://1in6.org/family-and-friends/sorting-it-out-for-himself/
Abelson, M. J. (2014). Dangerous privilege: Trans men, masculinities, and changing perceptions of safety. Sociological Forum, 29(3), 549â570. https://doi.org/10.1111/socf.12103
Anderson, N., & Clement, S. (2015, June 12). Poll shows that 20 percent of women are sexually assaulted in college. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/sf/local/2015/06/12/1-in-5-women-say-they-were-violated/
Anderson, S. S., Hendrix, S., Anderson, N., & Brown, E. (2015, June 12). Male survivors of sex assaults often fear they wonât be taken seriously. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/male-victims-often-fear-they-wont-be-taken-seriously/2015/06/12/e780794a-f8fe-11e4-9030-b4732caefe81_story.html
Beres, M. A. (2014). Rethinking the concept of consent for anti-sexual violence activism and education. Feminism & Psychology, 24(3), 373â389.
Beres, M. A., Herold, E., & Maitland, S. B. (2004). Sexual consent behaviors in same-sex relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 33(5), 475â486.
Brenner, A. (2013). Transforming campus culture to prevent rape: The possibility and promise of restorative justice as a response to campus sexual violence. Harvard Journal of Law and Gender. Retrieved from https://harvardjlg.com/2013/10/transforming-campus-culture-to-prevent-rape-the-possibility-and-promise-of-restorative-justice-as-a-response-to-campus-sexual-violence/
Carmody, M. (2003). Sexual ethics and violence prevention. Social & Legal Studies, 12(2), 199â216. https://doi.org/10.1177/0964663903012002003
Catalano, S. (2013). Intimate partner violence: Attributes of victimization, 1993â2011. Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). Retrieved from https://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=4801
Colorado State University. (n.d.). A Guide for supporting survivors of sexual assault. Retreived from https://wgac.colostate.edu/supporting-survivors
Crome, S. (2006). Male survivors of sexual assault and rape. Australian Institute of Family Studies. Retrieved from https://aifs.gov.au/publications/male-survivors-sexual-assault-and-rape
Crome, S. A., & McCabe, M. P. (2001). Adult rape scripting within a victimological perspective. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 6(4), 395â413.
Davies, M., Gilston, J., & Rogers, P. (2012). Examining the relationship between male rape myth acceptance, female rape myth acceptance, victim blame, homophobia, gender roles, and ambivalent sexism. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 27(14), 2807â2823.
Davies, M., & Rogers, P. (2006). Perceptions of male victims in depicted sexual assaults: A review of the literature. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 11(4), 367â377.
Dube, S. R., Anda, R. F., Whitfield, C. L., Brown, D. W., et al. (2005). Long-term consequences of childhood sexual abuse by gender of victim. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 28(5), 430â438. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2005.01.015
Gavey, N., & Schmidt, J. (2011). âTrauma of rapeâ discourse: A double-edged template for everyday understandings of the impact of rape? Violence Against Women, 17(4), 433â456.
Gavey, N., Schmidt, J., Braun, V., Fenaughty, J., et al. (2009). Unsafe, unwanted: Sexual coercion as a barrier to safer sex among men who have sex with men. Journal of Health Psychology, 14(7), 1021â1026.
Graham, R. (2006). Male rape and the careful construction of the male victim. Social & Legal Studies, 15(2), 187â208.
Grand Rapids Community College. (n.d). Step-by-step. Retrieved from
https://www.grcc.edu/studentaffairs/sexualmisconduct/stepbystep
Harrell, M. C., Castaneda, L. W., Adelson, M., Gaillot, S., et al. (2009). A compendium of sexual assault research. RAND Corporation. Retrieved from https://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/technical_reports/2009/RAND_TR617.pdf
Hopper, J. W. (2015, June 23). Why many rape victims donât fight or yell. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2015/06/23/why-many-rape-victims-dont-fight-or-yell/
Kozlowska, K., Walker, P., McLean, L., & Carrive, P. (2015). Fear and the defense cascade: Clinical implications and management. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 23(4), 263â287.
Maine Coalition Against Sexual Violence. (n.d.). Sexual violence against LGBTQQI populations. Retrieved from https://www.mecasa.org/index.php/special-projects/lgbtqqi
Masters, N. T. (2010). âMy strength is not for hurtingâ: Menâs anti-rape websites and their construction of masculinity and male sexuality. Sexualities, 13(1), 33â46.
Monk-Turner, E., & Light, D. (2010). Male sexual assault and rape: Who seeks counseling? Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment, 22(3), 255â265.
Paulk, L. (2014, April 30). Sexual assault in the LGBT community. National Center for Lesbian Rights. Retrieved from https://www.nclrights.org/sexual-assault-in-the-lgbt-community/
RAND Office of Media Relations. (n.d.). Complete results from major survey of US military sexual assault, harassment released. Retrieved from https://www.rand.org/news/press/2015/05/01.html
Rothman, E. F., Exner, D., & Baughman, A. L. (2011). The prevalence of sexual assault against people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual in the United States: A systematic review. Trauma, Violence & Abuse, 12(2), 55â66.
Sleath, E., & Bull, R. (2010). Male rape victim and perpetrator blaming. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 25(6), 969â988.
Stanko, E. A., & Hobdell, K. (1993). Assault on men: Masculinity and male victimization. British Journal of Criminology, 33(3), 400â415.
Strauss, V. (2014, August 29). Does ârestorative justiceâ in campus sexual assault cases make sense? Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2014/08/29/does-restorative-justice-in-campus-sexual-assault-cases-make-sense/
Walters, M. L., Chen, J., & Breiding, M. J. (2013). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_sofindings.pdf
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Whether weâre taking an online class, catching up with friends, reading the news, checking our favorite Reddit thread, or watching videos of baby pandas sneezing, we all spend a lot of time online. Our online communities are full of opportunities for connection, sharing, and positivity, but sometimes we may encounter negativity and downright nastiness, to put it mildly.
We can all play a role in shaping online communities in which everyone can thrive. Disrespect and harassment are less likely when digital spaces reflect our values. For example, building supportive communities makes sexual harassment and violence less likely. Creating respectful spaces online is a critical part of these efforts. So how do we make the online communities we participate in feel more positive, especially in an era where we might feel particularly divided? And how do we respond when we see negative posts in a group page weâre in charge of? Or when we notice a hurtful comment in a community we participate in?
Whether you have a leadership role in an online space or youâre just a casual participant, thereâs plenty you can do to help keep things positive.
Hereâs how to use your role to create the online space you want
If you create, manage, or moderate an online space, you have a key role to play in building a supportive community. But being a member matters just as much. You get to model and shape the online community you participate in. Hereâs a four-step guide to making it workâno matter your role.
For leaders
Whether youâre starting a new group or taking over an existing one, start by reflecting on your goals.
Consider the following questions:
Itâs essential to define your goals even if your group is small and informal. For example: Imagine that you create a GroupMe for the people living on your res hall floor. The following goals could take the group in three very different directions and would call for different leadership:
For members
Goals matter for members too. In fact, knowing what they are and communicating them effectively sets the tone for the rest of the group. This doesnât have to be formal. Itâs about having a shared purpose.
Think about this: If you share a group chat with your friends from high school, whatâs your purpose for doing so? How can you make sure others are on board? Your personal goal might be to stay in touch while building stronger connections with everyone. What are some small steps you can take to reach this goal?
By actively engaging in the group in a positive way, youâre setting an example for other members. A significant body of research shows that when we believe our peers expect us to behave a certain way, weâre more likely to behave that way (this is called social norms theory). This means that when weâre positive and donât tolerate harmful behavior in an online setting, it sets the tone for others to follow suit.
For leaders
Explicitly communicate your expectations. People are surprisingly attentive to group guidelines. A 2016 analysis of the Reddit thread r/science (which has more than 13 million subscribers) found that posting page rules increased usersâ compliance with the rules and even increased the number of comments made by newcomers on certain posts.
âIt’s important that the standard be set right from the beginning that mistreatment of any kind will not be tolerated,â says Dr. Justin Patchin, professor of criminal science at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire and codirector of the Cyberbullying Research Center.
How you can put this into practice
Letâs say you take over the Facebook page of a campus multicultural center with several hundred members. How might you create guidelines for the group?
Itâs also important to create guidelines for informal groups. If you created a small Facebook group for your friends in the multicultural center, you could casually communicate your expectations. Try statements like:
For members
Point out behaviors that positively reinforce your group standards and support the community guidelinesâyou can keep it casual. This sets the expectation that people will interact in positive ways. Try out statements such as, âItâs awesome how we can disagree without things getting ugly.â
For leaders
Itâs easiest to take action at the first sign of disrespect or someone behaving outside of the group guidelines. Donât wait for problems to escalate before you step in.
Just like in social situations or in the classroom, you can practice bystander intervention by stepping in to address disrespect and prevent harm. In a 2015 study of adolescents and young adults, bystanders stepped in at similar rates when someone was being harassed online as they did when an incident happened in person (Journal of Youth and Adolescence). In fact, bystanders were most likely to step in when someone was being harassed both in person and online.
What this might look like
Imagine that you’re the moderator of an online study group. You all use the group to share study tips, ask questions, and set up times to work together. One day, the posts start to stray from the class material to people complaining about the course and insulting the professorâs looks. How do you handle it?
Try privately messaging the people involved, or leave a comment of your own. Assuming good intent can make these conversations easier. For example:
Private messages
Comments to redirect the group
For members
Itâs not just the leaderâs responsibility to uphold community standards; itâs on you as a community member to redirect group members who fall short of your goals. It can be as easy as asking a different question.
Hereâs how you might step in as a community member in the study group scenario:
For leaders
What can you do if serious disrespect, harassment, or hateful behavior emerges in an online space that you manage?
For example, imagine you’re managing a student publicationâs website. Debate in the comments section is usually respectful. One day, a regular commenter calls another a slur. Here are four options for how to intervene:
1) Delete the harmful content, and consider banning the commenter.
âDelete the person whose posts are negative. By proactively doing this, [you show] that [you] have had enough and will not engage in their negative and hurtful behaviors.â
âRoss Ellis, founder and CEO of STOMP Out Bullying, a national bullying and harassment prevention organization
âIf [people] see hurtful posts quickly removed and frequent violators banned, this will set the tone that online abuse is not allowed here.â
âDr. Patchin
2) Reach out to the people who were targeted.
Write to the targeted commenter. Let them know that you have deleted the content, you support them, and offer to direct them to university resources.
3) Report the incidentâif the targeted person wishes that you do so.
Consider reporting the behavior to a campus official, such as a dean. Check with the person who was targeted to ask for their permission first.
4) Reiterate your group expectations.
After you have dealt with the harm, work with other members of the publication team to refocus on your core goals.
For members
What if you see this happening in an online community youâre a part of? As an active member of the community, stepping in reinforces the standards of the whole group and sends the message that this behavior isnât tolerated here. Hereâs how to do it:
âAt the beginning of the year, we have a discussion about what’s appropriate to post and what isn’t. If something negative is posted, it’s removed, and we have a discussion with the person who posted.â
âJeanette A., fourth-year undergraduate, Kutztown University, Pennsylvania
âItâs not a controversial forum. We have rules, but we’re relaxed and work together in a group rather than talk about conflicting ideas.â
âEliot A., recent graduate, Metropolitan State University of Denver
âI monitor the page though my manager app that I’ve installed on my phone. I posted guidelines and must approve all comments and posts before they’re allowed to be posted. If someone complains about harassment or being messaged, I’ll check out the situation, take proper steps to stop it, and prevent it in the future.â
âAngel P., fourth-year undergraduate, Governors State University, Illinois
âAnything that’s posted that’s disrespectful is deleted and that person is warned through a personal message. If they continue, they’re removed from the page.â
âLeah H., third-year undergraduate, Northern Illinois University
Strategies developed by the Communication and Consent Educator program at Yale University.
[school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,counselingservices, studentservices’] Get help or find out more
Tips on writing community guidelines for social media groups: Vervely
A guide to building community in online courses: George Washington University
Bystander intervention: Yale University
Practical strategies for building digital community: Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Ross Ellis, founder and CEO of STOMP Out Bullying, a national bullying and harassment prevention organization.
Justin Patchin, PhD, professor of criminal science at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire and codirector of the Cyberbullying Research Center.
Awwad, H. (2017, June 1). Virtual abuse? How to build a positive online community. Student Health 101. Retrieved from https://publicsite.readsh101.net/virtual-abuse/
Banyard, V. L., Plante, E. G., & Moynihan, M. M. (2004). Bystander education: Bringing a broader community perspective to sexual violence prevention. Journal of Community Psychology, 32(1), 61â79.
Bazelon, E. (2013). Sticks and stones: Defeating the culture of bullying and rediscovering the power of character and empathy. Random House Incorporated.
Brody, N., & Vangelisti, A. L. (2016). Bystander intervention in cyberbullying. Communication Monographs, 83(1), 94â119.
Cheng, J., Bernstein, M., Danescu-Niculescu-Mizil, C., & Lescovec, J. (2017). Anyone can become a troll: Causes of trolling behavior in online discussions. CSCW â17: Proceedings of the 2017 ACM Conference on Computer Supported Cooperative Work and Social Computing, 1217â1230. Retrieved from https://dl.acm.org/citation.cfm?doid=2998181.2998213
Cialdini, R. B., Kallgren, C. A., & Reno, R. R. (1991). A focus theory of normative conduct: A theoretical refinement and reevaluation of the role of norms in human behavior. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 24, 201â234.
Jones, L. M., Mitchell, K. J., & Turner, H. A. (2015). Victim reports of bystander reactions to in-person and online peer harassment: A national survey of adolescents. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 44(12), 2308â2320.
LaMorte, W. W. (2016). Social norms theory. Boston University. Retrieved from https://sphweb.bumc.bu.edu/otlt/MPH-Modules/SB/BehavioralChangeTheories/BehavioralChangeTheories7.html
Lenhart, A., Madden, M., Smith, A., Purcell, K., et al. (2011). Teens, kindness and cruelty on social network sites: How American teens navigate the new world of âdigital citizenship.â Pew Internet & American Life Project.
Matias, J. N. (2016, October 8). Posting rules in online discussions prevents problems and increases participation. Civil Servant. Retrieved from https://civilservant.io/moderation_experiment_r_science_rule_posting.html
Perkins, H. W., Craig, D. W., & Perkins, J. M. (2011). Using social norms to reduce bullying: A research intervention among adolescents in five middle schools. Group Processes & Intergroup Relations, 14(5), 703â722.
Ren, Y., Kraut, R., Kiesler, S., & Resnick, P. (2012). Encouraging commitment in online communities. Building successful online communities: Evidence-based social design, 77â124.
Hereâs something most of us know, and the research backs up: Small actions make a big difference, especially when it comes to preventing sexual harassment and assault. If we see something that doesnât feel right, we can act. This is bystander intervention: stepping in to reinforce our community values and prevent harm when we see something that looks like disrespect or pressure. Many of us already do this, like when we disrupt a conversation that seems uncomfortable or speak up when people make hurtful comments.
Often, when we think about sexual misconduct and bystander intervention, weâre thinking about intervening in social situations, such as on the dance floor, at a party, or in a relationship. But what happens when you see this happening at your internship, on the job, or at your workplace?
While we might know that itâs equally important to take action in the workplace, we might not exactly know how to do it, especially if weâre dealing with uneven power dynamicsâlike a boss whoâs making crude comments to an employee or an established colleague taking advantage of a new intern. The good news? The basics, which you already know, work here too.
âThe skills and strategies that work in social contexts can often be applied to other settings, including professional contexts such as a summer internship or other job,â says Laura Santacrose, assistant director of the Skorton Center for Health Initiatives at Cornell University in New York, who developed Cornellâs âInterveneâ project, a bystander intervention initiative for students. The knowledge and confidence that weâve gained from intervening in other contexts make a difference. Knowing we have the skills to step in makes us more likely to do so, according to a 2014 study of college students in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence.
Besides reinforcing your own personal values, youâre also setting the bar high for the rest of the organization. And thatâs important. âEmployers hope to create an environment that is welcoming and inclusive for all employees. A safe and inclusive environment fosters teamwork among colleagues, greater workplace satisfaction, and higher levels of innovation and creativity on the job. Employees who are able to facilitate such an environment are highly valued by both their employers and by their clients,â says Jeanine Dames, director of the Office of Career Strategy at Yale University in Connecticut.
So how do you do it?
Whenever we intervene, itâs critical to consider the potential risks involved and to make a safe plan. The power dynamics between supervisors and employees may make it difficult to intervene directly, so consider subtle or indirect actions. âThere may be additional supports in a professional setting that will make an intervention easier [than in a social situation], including support from a human resources department,â says Santacrose.
Now that you know the basics, or at least can refer back to them, letâs get into some examples. Use the following scenarios to think about possible intervention strategies. What strategies would you choose?
Scenario 1: Inappropriate jokes
Imagine that you share an office space with several other summer interns. One of the interns, Taylor, often makes sexual jokes and suggestive comments. You and the other interns find the jokes annoying, but one of the interns, Sam, looks upset and starts to avoid the space.
Scenario 2: Unfair treatment
Imagine that you have a part-time campus job in a lab. The professor in charge of the lab chooses a graduate student, Riley, to lead a project. A few weeks ago, Riley asked one of your coworkers, Casey, out on a date. Casey said no. Since then, Riley seems to be treating Casey differently from the other lab members. Riley often dismisses Caseyâs comments in meetings and assigns all the menial jobs to Casey.
Scenario 3: Callouts on appearance
Imagine that you have a part-time job. Your supervisor makes small talk with employees as you arrive in the morning. Topics range from sports to the weather, but on several occasions, your supervisor has made comments about the appearance of one employee, Kai, such as, âYou look gorgeous today!â and âThat shirt looks great on you!â Your supervisor does not comment on other employeesâ appearances.
See? Your bystander skills just went pro. When you break it down like this, intervening becomes a little easier, which means your workplace can be just as supportive of a community as your campus is. So remember: Your bystander skills can work in any context, at any time.
Want more bystander info? Check out Cornell Universityâs bystander initiative, âIntervene.â This interactive training, useful for students of all kinds, offers concrete strategies for intervening in a wide range of social, academic, and professional settings.
Strategies developed by the Communication and Consent Educator program at Yale University.
[school_resource sh101resources=’no’ category=’mobileapp,healthservices, wellnesspromotion, counselingservices, titleix’] Get help or find out more
âInterveneâ video and resources on bystander intervention: Cornell University
Brochure on effective intervention strategies: Yale University
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Article sources
Jeanine Dames, JD, director of office of career strategy, Yale University, Connecticut.
Laura Santacrose, MPH, assistant director, Skorton Center for Health Initiatives, Cornell University, New York.
Banyard, V. L. (2011). Who will help prevent sexual violence: Creating an ecological model of bystander intervention. Psychology of Violence, 1(3), 216â229.
Banyard, V. L., Plante, E. G., & Moynihan, M. M. (2004). Bystander education: Bringing a broader community perspective to sexual violence prevention. Journal of Community Psychology, 32(1), 61â79.
Bennett, S., Banyard, V. L., & Garnhart, L. (2014). To act or not to act, that is the question? Barriers and facilitators of bystander intervention. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 29(3), 476â496.
Bowes-Sperry, L., & OâLeary-Kelly, A. M. (2005). To act or not to act: The dilemma faced by sexual harassment observers. Academy of Management Review, 30(2), 288â306.
Carmody, M. (2005). Ethical erotics: Reconceptualizing anti-rape education. Sexualities, 8(4), 465â480.
Garcia, S. M., Weaver, K., Moskowitz, G. B., & Darley, J. M. (2002). Crowded minds: The implicit bystander effect. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(4), 843â853.
McDonald, P., Charlesworth, S., & Graham, T. (2016). Action or inaction: Bystander intervention in workplace sexual harassment. International Journal of Human Resource Management, 27(5), 548â566.
McMahon, S., & Banyard, V. L. (2012). When can I help? A conceptual framework for the prevention of sexual violence through bystander intervention. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 13(1), 3â14.
Rayner, C., & Bowes-Sperry, L. (2008, June). Mobilizing bystanders to intervene in workplace bullying. In The 6th International Conference on Workplace Bullying.
Reading Time: 8 minutes When it comes to sexual encounters, we should strive not just for consent but enthusiastic consent. Learn the difference and why it’s worth holding out.
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We all want campuses without sexual violence, but it can be hard to know where to start. In-the-moment strategies like bystander intervention are powerful tools to make our communities safer, but how can we proactively build cultures in which everyone feels safe and respected?
Sexual violence doesnât come out of nowhere: It emerges from everyday patterns of disrespect and pressure. In any culture that normalizes low-level disrespect, itâs harder to spot coercion and force. Whatâs low-level disrespect? Itâs when your female classmate is objectified because of the length of her skirt. Or that time your roommate hooked up with someone he wasnât really into because âthatâs what guys are supposed to do.â Itâs every time someone makes a rape jokeâand every time someone laughs. It contributes to a culture of disrespect, and a culture of disrespect provides camouflage for violence. It functions as âthe cultural scaffoldingâ of sexual assault, wrote Dr. Nicola Gavey, professor of psychology at the University of Auckland, in New Zealand, in her book Just Sex? The Cultural Scaffolding of Rape (Routledge, 2005).
In contrast, when we expect respect and mutuality, itâs much easier to spot behaviors that donât fit that norm. By challenging casual disrespect when we see itâand setting up conversations so that disrespect doesnât happen in the first placeâwe can build communities where everyone expects to be treated well.
This means that even small actions can have a big impact in building a safe, supportive campus culture. By ensuring that all of our conversations about romance, sex, and social life are respectful, we can help to dismantle âthe cultural scaffoldingâ of assault. And that starts with youâyour friends and your conversations. Hereâs how to make sure those convos are building the community you want.
Too often, our casual conversations set the expectation that everyone is doing the same things when it comes to romance and sex. If your crew gets together for brunch on Sunday, is everyone expected to share stories about hookups the night before? Conversations like this create âambient pressureâ: a feeling that you must act a certain way in order to fit in. Ambient pressure is a problem in its own right, and also makes interpersonal pressure easier by suggesting that peopleâs desires arenât important.
If your friends regularly have conversations like this, you can help shift them in a more positive direction. Start by asking better questions.
These questions reduce ambient pressure by removing some of the assumptions about what people are doing and how theyâre talking about it. Bonus points for making your conversations more interesting and less rom com. Â
Try sharing stories of times when things went well in unexpected or nontraditional ways, like when you met someone at a party and ended the night talking Shakespeare sonnets and downing pizza instead of hooking up. There are a number of dangerous myths about campus sexual culture, such as the false belief that everyone wants to be having more sex than theyâre currently having, that no one wants to get into anything serious because everyone is looking for hookups, that âcasualâ sexual encounters canât be intimate, and so on.
Sharing diverse experiences and stories is a powerful way of disrupting these myths and offering more positive alternatives. If you had a great Saturday night binge-watching House of Cards with your roommate, then say so!
Positive change involves people inspiring each otherâand that starts with telling different stories. In a study, college students who reported drinking heavily received info on how much their peers were actually drinking, and spoiler alert, it was less than they thought. Six weeks later, the heavy drinkers were consuming less alcohol and drinking less often, according to The Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (2000). This is an example of how social norms work: Expectations about how we should act actually affect how we do act. Once we realize that others are doing things differently, we adjust ourselves accordingly. This can work in your favor when it comes to convos about hookups: By demonstrating that there are many positive, respectful ways to be social, you can challenge social norms that give rise to pressure.
In order to build a culture that reflects your values, you first need to figure out what those are. âCommunities feel more connected and supportive when the people in them have a clear idea of what they want their culture to be like and are actively working toward that ideal,â wrote Chip Heath of Stanford University and Dan Heath of Duke University in Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard (Broadway Business, 2010), which examines individual, organizational, and social transformations.
Ask your communities (i.e., the clubs youâre in, the groups you belong to, and the friends you spend your time with) what they see as their shared goals. This doesnât have to be scary or even formal; having an awesome group of people to lean on is a legit goal. When weâre all focused on a positive valueâlike genuine friendship, interdependence, or mutual trustâitâs easier to ensure that everyone is treated well. âIdentifying shared community values is a critical step in building safe, supportive communities in which everyone can thrive,â says Dr. Melanie Boyd, assistant dean of student affairs and lecturer in womenâs, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University in Connecticut.
It also helps to think about what you want from any given interaction, whether itâs meeting up with a couple of friends at your place or hosting a party. When weâre actively thinking about what we want out of our social events, we can ensure that they reflect and support what matters to us.
By mindfully planning and attending events that reflect our values, we can create and support spaces without ambient pressure, and where interpersonal pressure stands out. Well-planned events with lots of options also mean more fun for the people coming and less stress for the people planning. Thatâs a win.
It all comes down to thisâa culture in which respect is the norm is our most effective protection against sexual assault. And respect starts small. By making subtle changes to our everyday conversations and in our everyday interactions, we can work together to build a community where everyone can thrive. So letâs do that.
Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard: Chip Heath & Dan Heath
Broadway Business, 2010
Sexual empowerment webinars & info: Amy Jo Goddard
What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girlâs Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety:Â Jaclyn Friedman
Seal Press, 2011
Step Up! intervention program: University of Arizona
Communication and Consent Educators program: Yale University
Melanie Boyd, PhD, assistant dean of student affairs; lecturer in womenâs, gender, and sexuality studies, Yale University, Connecticut.
Armstrong, E. A., Hamilton, L., & England, P. (2010). Is hooking up bad for young women? Contexts, 9(3), 22â27.
Borsari, B., & Carey, K. B. (2000). Effects of a brief motivational intervention with college student drinkers. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 68(4), 728â733.
Carmody, M. (2005). Ethical erotics: Reconceptualizing anti-rape education. Sexualities, 8(4), 465â480.
Gavey, N. (2005). Just Sex? The Cultural Scaffolding of Rape. London and New York: Routledge.
Gavey, N., & Senn, C. Y. (2014). Sexuality and sexual violence. In D. L. Tolman & L. M. Diamond (Eds.) APA Handbook on Sexuality and Psychology: Vol. 1. Person-Based Approaches (pp. 339â382). Washington, DC: APA Press.
Heath, C., & Heath, D. (2010). Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. New York: Broadway Books.
Strang, E., & Peterson, Z. D. (2013). The relationships among perceived peer acceptance of sexual aggression, punishment certainty, and sexually aggressive behavior. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 28(18), 3369â3385.
Wade, L., & Heldman, C. (2012). Hooking up and opting out. In L. Carpenter & J. DeLamater (Eds.) Sex for Life: From Virginity to Viagra, How Sexuality Changes Throughout Our Lives, (pp. 129â145). New York: NYU Press.
Wetherill, R. R., Neal, D. J., & Fromme, K. (2010). Parents, peers, and sexual values influence sexual behavior during the transition to college. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(3), 682â694.
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No one wants to think that our friends or acquaintances might have been sexually assaulted or abused. Yet statistics suggest that we all know survivors, whether or not weâre aware of it. Sexual assault and abuse survivors who receive positive social support are less likely to develop post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, or substance abuse issues, research shows. âWhen a survivor of sexual violence chooses to disclose to a friend, this friend can help set the tone for the recovery process,â says Kelly Addington, founder of One Student, an advocacy organization addressing sexual assault in student communities. âFocusing on the survivor and how you can support them is much better than focusing on the attack.â
On campus: Consider discussing the situation with a counselor, Title IX coordinator, trusted dean, or RA. Before disclosing assault or abuse to campus faculty or staff, ask about the implications for confidentiality.
Find local advocacy and support: Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)
Live anonymous private consults: RAINN
Helping a friend after sexual assault: University of New Hampshire
Support a friend: Know Your IX
How to support a male friend: 1in6
Confidential chat: National Domestic Violence Hotline
LGBTQ support (call, chat, or text): Trevor Project
Legal advice for sexual assault survivors in school: School Violence Law
Programs and resources for addressing sexual violence: One Student
I believe you
It means a lot that you trusted me with this
You did not cause this
May I look for some resources that might help?
If you need someone to come with you, I will
Iâm here for you
Tell me as much or as little as you want
Iâll support whatever you choose to do
How do you want me to act when I see [the perpetrator]?
The decision about what to do next is yours
It wasnât your fault
What can I do to support you?
What would help you feel empowered and safe?
I wonât share this unless you ask me to*
*Or, if you are a mandated reporter, discuss up front the implications for confidentiality.
Iâm sorry this happened to you
How are you doing?
Want to hang out or do something fun?
âMuch of what he did was very subtle, but he also said things that were flattering but aimed to control me (âWe should get married;â âWe love each other so condoms arenât necessary, besides I havenât used one in yearsâ). After I got away, he stalked me via phone and email for two years. To this day, when I see someone who looks like him I tense up.
âPeople in my community said I was making the whole thing up. That was the hardest thing in the world. They invited him to come into spaces where I normally would be, so I had to always be on guard. It might not be the most dramatic story, but it lingers. There are people who I donât speak to because of how they dealt with those issues. There are places I still donât feel comfortable because I associate them with that time in my life.â
âGraduate student, Canadian university
âIt isnât your fault. It can happen to anyone. It happened to me. It helps to talk to someone you trust when it first happens. I wish I had.â
âFourth-year student, Ashford University (online)
âVictims of trauma and abuse have a tendency to blame themselves and downplay their experience because someone had it worse. It is important to realize that your pain and anger are valid.â
âThird-year undergraduate, Kwantlen Polytechnic University, British Columbia
âBeing a friend to someone, especially a victim, is the best thing one can do. Knowing when to take a step back, when to ask for help from someone more experienced, and finding the proper resources is the best way to help someone. There is always someone who can help.â
âSecond-year undergraduate, Suffolk University, Massachusetts
âDonât be ashamed to report the abuse and be vocal. Your voice establishes othersâ rights.â
âThird-year graduate student, University of Windsor, Ontario
âSome days I think I was sexually abused in my last relationship. I felt that he knew I didnât want to but went ahead anyway, knowing I wouldnât speak up or call him out on it. Other days I just think Iâm over-thinking it. Iâve never spoken out about it because Iâm not sure if it was my fault.â
âSecond-year undergraduate, Florida International University
âA previous sexual encounter with someone is not an all-access pass which excuses forceful or threatening behavior.â
âFirst-year graduate student, Ashford University (online)
âOut of my 5+ relationships there have only been two partners that completely respected my boundaries and asked for consent.â
âFourth-year undergraduate, University of Waterloo, Ontario
âAbout two months into the relationship, I was beginning to notice how controlling and emotionally manipulative he was. I was drinking at his house with him and some friends. After I drank too much, he became angry. He wanted to have sex with me. I told him I felt sick, saying over and over again that I did not want to. He got on top of me anyway and I was too intoxicated to push him off. I stayed with him for six more months. There were several instances of him pushing me to do things and have sex with him. I regret that I pretended that what he did was OK. I have learned to never stay silent about sexual abuse and assault.â
âSecond-year undergraduate, University of Central Arkansas
âLooking back on it, what my ex-boyfriend was doing was more subtle than coercion. He was very manipulative and I fell into the trap of wanting to please him all the time, which led to thinking I wanted to have sex with him, but after, I felt really icky. My subconscious was telling me to leave and that I didnât want to have sex with him, but I ignored it. I donât like thinking about it. I would tell anyone to listen to those thoughts and free yourself. Itâs OK if you let down the other person. You have to protect yourself.â
âFourth-year undergraduate, University of California, San Diego
âI told the guy that I felt awful. Rather than comfort me [when I was sick], he took my hand and put it on his penis. I told him that was ridiculous and made it clear I did not want him to come to [my campus apartment] any more. He called me a bitch and told me I was making everything about myself. It took him weeks to understand I had dumped him. He kept telling me to âthink about it,â as if my breaking up with him was not real. I never allowed him to see me again. I donât feel bad about dumping him in a text rather than making a scene in public or risking myself in my apartment.â
âFirst-year graduate student, Kutztown University of Pennsylvania
âA boyfriend forced me to have sex with him even after I had said no. He kept insisting and I was afraid of what would happen if I didnât give in. So I just did what he wanted. It happened on a Sunday and I ended the relationship on Monday. It took months to get rid of him fully, and he still haunts my dreams now and then. I never filed charges or reported it. [I felt] no one would believe it was rape. I still feel violated, and this happened years ago.â
âSecond-year undergraduate, Ashford University (online)
âI have a friend who felt obligated to comply with his sexual demands because they were dating. We had to pull her out of the situation ourselves.â
âThird-year undergraduate, Collin College, Texas
âMy boyfriend when I was younger had a bad temper and would hit walls or do really mean things. He was also fairly forceful in bed and made me feel guilty when I said no.â
âSecond-year graduate student, University of Washington
âIt is really frustrating to feel obligated to have sex with someone you love. When I am overwhelmed with tasks, my significant other does not recognize the hints I give him to back off. He had the audacity to act upset after I firmly said no, I would not interrupt my work to satisfy his urges. Later, after telling him I needed to sleep because I needed to be up in four hours, I finally just gave in. I love him, but it never feels good to be coerced into sex.â
âFirst-year student, Des Moines Area Community College, Iowa
âWe broke up over the course of a year, and we still had sex sometimes, as if we were still together. It was assumed that I was always comfortable with it, since they were the one wavering in our relationship and I was not. I wasnât all right with it, though. I did want it to work out eventually, and felt that meant maintaining intimacy through everything.â
âThird-year undergraduate, University of Victoria, British Columbia
âWhen I was married, my husband made it clear that if he wanted it and I didnât, his desire would rule, because it was my duty to meet his needs and any lack of desire was my problem. I quickly learned to dread sex. Now that we are divorced, Iâm worried that I will continue to view it as a negative experience.â
âThird-year undergraduate, Metropolitan State University of Denver, Colorado
âMy first relationship was when I was 14 years old. The boy was such a charmer and no one knew what was going on. The first three months he was sweet as can be, but then he changed. He said the reason our relationship was bad was because I wouldnât have sex with him. He did some sexual things against my will that are too painful to go into detail about. Because of him, I believed I was stupid, unlovable, and ugly.
âOne day he said that he was unhappy and it was my job to make him happy. So I said we were through. I lost friends because he said I lied and cried rape. I was bullied on social media. I have PTSD from the abuse. This past year I feel into a deep dark place. I wanted to kill myself. I realized I had been running from the pain and never dealt with it. I am on medicine now, and working with someone on my anxiety, PTSD, and depression. Everyday is a battle that I slowly am winning. I refuse to let the butthead continue hurting me. Those sexual assault videos always like to quote that â1 in 4â statistic; what many donât realize is for me that isnât just a statistic, itâs my life.â
âSecond-year graduate student, California State University, Stanislaus
âMy first husband beat and raped me and went to prison for it. I got addicted to opiates shortly after and lost my home. It took me years to come to terms with it. The most helpful thing was my comfort animal.â
âFourth-year undergraduate, Portland State University, Oregon
âI was in an emotionally abusive relationship. My sight was thwarted because I was in love; it was very confusing. I knew something was not right but couldnât place my finger on it. After this relationship, my subsequent relationships were unbalanced. I had lost the potential for innocence and trust. It was not until the birth of my now year-old daughter, and extensive therapy, that I have achieved a harmonious relationship. I am ecstatic!â
âSecond-year undergraduate, Berea College, Kentucky
In a recent survey by SH101, most stories of relationship abuse were reported by female students describing heterosexual relationships. This is the most common abuse dynamic, research shows. That said, relationship abuse can happen to anyone. This slideshow includes comments from students of varying genders and sexualities.